[[忘羡 | WangXian 3]] : Our Flesh And Bones

Useless.🔞 [TW]

That same night they made love slowly and in absolute silence. 

Wei Wuxian was too weak, and could barely walk after the dinner, but he lay on his belly and let Hanguang-Jun take him, take care of him. Lan Zhan was pushing into him slowly, carefully, as if afraid to break him. Wei Ying hid his face in the sheets, feeling every inch of skin, every small sigh, every deep breath his husband was taking – his senses were sharp as never before and he was feeling every muscle on Lan Wangji's body, every touch, every kiss, only a hundredfold clearer. 

Neither came that time, and when finally Lan Zhan wanted to pull out, he grabbed his arm and squeezed it hard:

- Stay. Stay inside me. Sleep with me.

Lan Zhan said nothing, but turned to the side, pulling his lover closer, and stayed like that, connected, all night. He held him tight in his embrace so fiercely that Wei Ying thought this was also how it must have been for his husband before, how he must have felt, when they first slept together. Back then, Lan Zhan would hold him so tight during the night that he feared he would suffocate him, killing him in his arms, in his sleep.

Neither of them fell asleep at first – Wei Wuxian could hear him breathe in his hair, his body still tense, Lan Zhan's hands pressing him to himself too harshly. 

He didn't mind. He needed it. He needed to feel he was not alone.

- I love you... Please, rest, Wei Ying...

He said nothing. The very thought that something might happen to Lan Wangji, or his sons, was devastating. His mind could not even process it. Lan Zhan was stronger than him – he had survived through his death, he had never lost his faith in him. But the loss in Wei Wuxian's life was so much, so monstrous, so excruciating, that he knew, he knew himself, he knew he would not survive. All his power was useless, all his magic... 

What good was it all if he could not protect the ones he loved?

He wasn't sure if Hanguang-Jun had fallen asleep, but nevertheless, he slowly took his hand and brought it to his face. It was always so nice to feel his fingers on his skin... He kissed each finger, gently, carefully, sighing deeply, missing him... 

Again he wondered how he could miss him so heartbreakingly much, even when he was lying next to him, even when he was inside him. There was an abyss hidden in him that could not be filled, or erased. Not even Hanguang-Jun's core was enough, not even all his vast love for him.

Lan Zhan was not sleeping; he felt Wei Ying's lips on his hand, and let him kiss away, but when he was finished, he moved his hand and caressed his cheek, his hair, his shoulder. He placed many small kisses on his neck, trying to reassure him, calm him down, lull him to sleep. 

His heart was bleeding – he knew that at that moment Wei Wuxian felt incredibly alone, and lonely. His arms around him weren't enough, his lips on his skin weren't enough, his body inside him even wasn't enough. He felt helpless, but didn't give up.

He loved him too much.