[[忘羡 | WangXian 3]] : Our Flesh And Bones

Daytime. 🔞

Lan Wangji told him everything, shortly, matter-of-factly. They were sitting across the table, facing each other and eating silently, rather lunch than breakfast. Wei Wuxian was frowning; he wasn't so much worried about Lan Wangji's tale of the last days – this had been dealt with, but rather his heart was breaking for his husband. 

Lan Zhan was extremely upset. He knew that he hadn't heard the full story, his stubborn husband was always driving him mad this way – he would protect him at any cost, and the cost sometimes was too precious. He felt he hadn't heard all of it, and was waiting for Hanguang-Jun to be ready to go on.

They were staring into each other's eyes, almost without blinking. Lan Wangji was wondering how to start – Wei Wuxian hadn't spoken a single word. He sighed and murmured:

- What's wrong with us, Wei Ying? Because something is terribly wrong.

Wei Ying looked at him sorrowfully.

- I miss you terribly. Lan Zhan... That's all. I miss you while you're sleeping. I miss you while you're working... I miss you even now, when I can reach out and touch you... Do you understand? My heart misses you...my soul yearns for you... my body thirsts for you...  -  he said miserably.

- Wei Ying... we cannot spend our lives in bed. Don't you agree?

- I know. I am telling you how I feel. Every time I feel your touch, every time you look at me... I cannot help it. Every single time I feel your warmth close to me... you ignite a fire, Lan Zhan... I am burning alive.

Wei Wuxian parted his lips. A single tear fell on the table.

- I always mean, I have always meant every single word I have ever spoken to you. All of them are true. I love you more than life. I love you more than I could ever bear. When we are apart, my heart is constantly breaking; my body is falling apart. In my dreams I'm dying all the time...

Lan Zhan looked away. There were too many feelings in his soul, and he was drowning, lost and not knowing what to decide and how to act.

- Come. – he stood up and offered Wei Ying his hand. – We can talk more comfortably. You need to rest.

Gaping, Wei Wuxian let him take him by the hand and lead him back to their room. He wasn't sure what was coming next, but he felt sad. It must have been horrible for Lan Zhan for him to be so dejected. He thought that they would still be sitting on the opposite sides of the low table in the room, he thought Lan Zhan needed some time away from him... But his husband never let go of his hand, and, sitting down, he dragged him down too, letting him sink in his embrace yet once again. Wei Wuxian closed his eyes and sighed deeply – nothing was better than this. Nothing could ever compare.

- I have missed you too, Wei Ying... - he murmured. – But this is serious. At this very moment, our own son does not know whether we are still alive... Can you imagine this? How did we allow this to happen?

Lan Zhan looked carefully into the sad night-sky eyes. He had thought that Wei Ying would have the answers, but he only sensed fathomless sadness coming from him; he was lost too. He went on:

- It's all my fault... I should have seen the signs... I was too blinded by my love for you. Forgive me, Wei Ying... It was me who put us all in danger... I should have known better...

- Forgive you? For loving me? For making love to me? - Wei Ying brushed his tears away, almost angry. – Do you even hear yourself, what are you asking me to forgive, Lan Zhan?

- I love you too much, my heart... It is too much... -  Hanguang-Jun said sadly.

- Nothing to forgive. You are my half. – Wei Ying caressed his face gently, hating to see those beautiful golden eyes so full of tears. – You should have let me go, Lan Zhan... My half of the golden core calls back to yours... it yearns to go back... To be one. To be whole again.

- I am not sorry. – Lan Zhan growled. – The resentful energy would have suffocated you otherwise... You were dying, Wei Ying! How could I possibly let you die?! – he cried, hugging him tighter.

Wei Ying hid his face in his husband's neck, caressing his hair now, trying to calm him down. Nothing ever scared him in the world – apart from anything bad happening to his loved one.

- All things in nature yearn to go back to their original state, my love. – Wei Ying murmured. – We cheated Fate.

- I am not sorry. – Lan Wangji sobbed. – I am not. I will never be. I am not sorry.

Wei Ying smiled, but said nothing; he loved him so much that his heart ached.

- Why do you want to die, Wei Ying? Why do you want to leave me? Don't you know that I cannot possibly live on without you? How can I?!?  –  he asked, desperate for at least some logic, some answers.

Wei Wuxian shook his head, taking his face in both his hands and kissing his forehead, as if he was a small child asking a silly question.

- You can never understand, Lan Zhan. And I thank the Gods every day that it is so. Death lives in me. I feel it, cold and black inside me... - Wei Ying took his eyes off him and his gaze wandered in the distance, unseeing. – The only thing that chases Death away is you... Your heat, the fire you rekindle in me every day. I only feel alive when you are in me, when I can be one with you – the loved one that gives me meaning. A reason to live. A love that is perfect, flawless, rich and intense, divine. You are the most important thing, Lan Zhan... I cannot live without you...

He looked up. Lan Wangji's face was burning.


- I am so in love with you, Wei Ying...
- I am so in love with you, Lan Zhan...