Reflections - TWD

115. Not you, not me, not Isabella.

⚠️TW: implied thoughts of suicide ⚠️

Carol, Daryl, Michonne, Isabella and Freddie and a couple of others all set on their way to the border. Isabella kept a small pocket knife in her back pocket, they wouldn't see it. It was just incase she needed to use it to protect herself or anyone around her. Or maybe, if the walkers hadn't finished the job on Theo.

Isabella didn't know how she was so filled with hatred. She never was. She never felt this hateful towards Negan, even when he took away two of the people she loved the most. She never resented walkers this way after they ripped Carl from his life, so why did she hate the whisperers so much?

Isabella ran a hand across her forehead and let out a shaky breath. Freddie put a comforting hand on her shoulder, but he reeked of whiskey. Everyone knew it. Nobody wanted to talk about it.

"We'll be fine."

Isabella shook her head. "You shouldn't have come. You can barely walk in a straight line."

"So, what? I'm supposed to just stop doing everything because I like to have a few drinks now?" Freddie argued. Isabella didn't want an argument, but if it was the only way to get through to Freddie, she'd do it.

"That's not what I'm saying," she shook her head, "you're not doing well, I get that. I just- I just don't want you in danger, that's all."

Freddie softened his voice slightly. "It's the only way I get through the day, Belly. Otherwise I can't breathe and I can't sleep, I start crying," his voice turned to more of a whisper as he looked to the floor. "Boys aren't supposed to cry."

Isabella craned her neck slightly to get a better look at Freddie's face. "Who the hell told you that?"

Freddie just kept on looking down and Isabella then knew that this wasn't something someone had just told Freddie, it had been with him for years.

"Oh," Isabella whispered.

Freddie pressed his lips together. "Ever since Carol stopped wanting to be my mom, I started thinking about him more. It's stupid. He's been dead for nearly 10 years, but I can't stop."

Isabella nodded. She understood, more than anybody. "Carol still wants to be your mom. She's just hurting, like you are."

"I know," Freddie almost sniffled then he looked up to the sky, "can we not talk about this?"

Isabella took a deep breath in and let out a quiet sigh. "Yeah. Okay."

•

The sight of the border made Isabella feel sick to her stomach. She could remember all the heads on the sticks like it was yesterday. She could name them from the first to the last of who was on there. She'd seen it enough times in her sleep.

Daryl put his crossbow on the floor and Michonne put down her sword. Carol dropped her bow and arrow and then Freddie his gun. Isabella debated taking the knife out of her pocket, but she didn't.

Carol was staring at the foot of the stick where Henry's head was once placed.

"You all right?" Daryl asked her.

"I...need a minute," Carol nodded. Freddie looked over at her, he wanted nothing more than to run up to her and tell her how it was okay, how she still had him. But he knew that he couldn't.

Daryl nodded and took a few steps away, over to Isabella. "What 'bout you?"

"Huh?" Isabella turned to him.