[If you don't follow me or if you aren't in the discord you probably didn't know this, but I was on hiatus due to finals. I am a junior in highschool so I was in test hell for a few weeks there, though I have returned! So the regular upload schedule of a chapter or more a week will resume!]
[TW! After effects of sexual assault, thoughts of self hatred, self harm.]
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"Trust is inherently strenuous to build, yet so easily shattered."
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I think actually walking out the castle gates was the most difficult part of the exchange. A new morning was boring down on the earth, and sunlight was streaming through trees as I made my way to the Nether portal.
With no plausible plans of returning anytime soon.
We know I would visit at some point inevitably, but without the relationship tying me to these lands, I have no real reason to stay. I have Ranboo, sure, but the kiddo has his own house in the Arctic. I mean at this point I'm asking the Gods to give me patience, or an untraceable weapon.
Either way, every second I hated the Nether more. Yes, perhaps my best friend has direct genetic ties here, that does not change the fact I despise it with a burning passion. Ironic.
I was wearing my uniform again, luckily Eret had washed and patched what had been cut through. I wonder how many times he's had to do that to my clothes. Being crafty with clothing and having your former partner constantly get into combat is a good match.
In my bag I also had a winter coat, I wasn't trying to walk the couple miles to the cabins from the Nether portal without a coat. Especially after being in warmth for months, not so much as touching snow. It would be a drastic change, that much is for sure.
Maybe if I focused on the temperature change, I could ignore the other changes moulding and taking shape around me. Building up like the tops of a castle teetering on a thread, leaning over my frame and shadowing on the ground for miles.
A ghast screamed, sounding distraught as it's face morphed into something full of sorrow and pain. I couldn't help but wonder if they were truly saddened or if that's just how they looked.
I don't know who fixed the pathing in the Nether, but either way there was now a giant hole halfway into one due to the ghast. I brought out my scythe, holding it in front of me readied. The ghast screeched once more, a fireball whipping through the air. This was a stupid maneuver, risky and possible deadly, but I was confident in my reaction time.
I slammed the netherite forward right as I felt sweltering heat rush across my form. There was a clang and a heavy pressure against my body, and when my vision cleared I could see the creature turn to smoke. A single ghast tear falling into the lava below.
I exhaled slowly, cringing as hot air entered my lungs. The lingering smell of ash and white hot heat making me cringe. The Nether smells like death.
I saw a grouping of piglin in the corner of my eye, and I knew the gold on my body was enough to fend them off, yet they still made my heart race. The ears and tusks, general features and build, far too similar to Tech.
Now I'm thinking even the sight of him worries me.
I started walking a bit faster to that portal.
Suddenly the Nether was too much, too much of everything. Too much heat, radiating from everywhere and enveloping my body. It wasn't comforting anymore, it didn't remind me of Tech's hugs in the middle of a blizzard, it reminded me of a nauseating fever. Not to mention the stagnant air, dry and unmoving, yet everything was making noise and chaotic. The bubbling of lava, screams of ghasts, magma cubes with piglin. It seems like everything was too quiet and too loud at the same time.
I stumbled blindly into the portal, not bothering to prepare myself for the temperature change. I wanted out, I needed to get to safety, home. Fuck I didn't have a home anymore. Everything was great, I had everything and anything, and now I'm here.
Even when I lost that cabin, that safety net, I had the Egg. I knew it was horrible, but that didn't change the fact that I missed it maybe a bit too much after it was ripped from under my feet.
I fell forward out of the swirling purple portal. When my hands hit the ground, I could see the deep black contrast the white snow. My tail drooped against the material too, twitching due to the cold.
I slowly stood up digging my jacket out of my bag, already feeling the cold seeping into my bones. It stung, and I could feel the joints in my fingers begin to lock up almost immediately. I did something I've grown good at to avoid the pain, ignoring it. I could see my breaths leave my mouth, the freezing temperatures making them visible as I shivered. Up ahead I could clearly see a beacon, surrounding it three houses, one illuminated to show people were inside.
I grabbed my communicator with stiff hands, mindlessly jabbing my pointer finger to call the Angel.
I shakily held the device up to my ear, and surprisingly there wasn't so much as a ring before the call went through. "Nerd, you okay?"
Not the person I was hoping for in particular, but it's better than nothing. "Yeah, yeah just cold. I'm a bit away from your cabin, can you hand the communicator to Phil? I meant to call him, my hands are all stiff."
I heard muffled voices before I could hear Phil's voice staticky over the other end. "You need Techno or I to come grab you, mate? It's really cold around this time of year."
"Nah, just have the fireplace going so I can sit in front of it when I get to Tech's. I can see you both are inside." I exhaled shakily, still trudging through icy snow. "It went well with Eret."
It was becoming difficult to form words as I spoke to Phil. "Oh, so you two are still together then?" I heard more muffled chatter, I raised an eyebrow and sighed.
"No, I broke things off. It was all so sudden, but it went smoothly." I could see some wolves rolling around in the snow, tongues lolling out and tails wagging. "I'm just tired, and there's this other thing-"
The call cut out, we were too close. I was on the front porch, shaking, staring at the spruce door. I gulped, and before I could even reach for the handle the door flung open. There stood the blood god, golden jewelry gracing his form and brushed pink hair cascading down his shoulders. He was wearing a white button up, the few top buttons undone and untucked from his slacks. His form almost reached the top of the doorframe.
A feeling bubbled up under my skin, but it was quickly swallowed up with fear. I couldn't breathe, and I took a step back instinctively only to almost slip on ice down the stairs. He reached for my hand, grabbing me so I wouldn't fall, pure instinct took over now even more than before. I squirmed out of his hold, stumbling backward after I got out. Phil rushed out of the front door, wings spreading to help his balance as he grabbed me and weakly flapped tattered wings, taking us safely to the bottom of the staircase and back in the snow. "Mate? What was that about?" The words muffled as he continued speaking, a ringing in my ears ruining my other senses. From over Phil's shoulder I could see Technoblade towering over us both, face twisted in guilt and concern.
Freezing and shaking hands gripped onto a dark green tunic, and the Angel's wings curled around me to shield us from the thundering winds. "I just- Tech-"
He shushed me almost immediately, slowly beginning to lead me back up the wooden stairs. "I understand, crow. Let's go inside and get you to the fire."
"Tia?" A deeper voice rang out, and Phil looked to the Blood God.
The blond sighed, "Torva, and don't talk to her right now. I'm sure you know plenty about trauma responses."
Oh.
I entered the cabin, Phil still at my side as he led me to the fire. I could feel him grab my jacket and scythe, leaning the weapon against the door and handing the jacket off to Tech to hang up.
Was that what this was? A trauma response? My nose wrinkled at the thought, something like trauma dictating me. I didn't want that, I'm certain I didn't have that. I'm the goddamn Grim Reaper. Fucking- my best friend didn't give me some kind of messed up instinct.
I was sat in front of the dancing flames, and I heard the door close from across the room. More muffled whispers were heard, yet I couldn't make out a single word. "Torva, would you be more comfortable if we went to my house without Techno?" I felt a hand on my shoulder, immediately recognizing it as Phil's. Though after I comprehended the question, it confused me. Why wouldn't I be comfortable with Tech? Why am I panicking knowing full well he's behind me right now, standing behind the couch and waiting for my answer?
The couch.
I'm leaning against it right now in front of the flames, and now I leaned forward so I wasn't touching the fabric. I turned around out of probable panic, breath quickening as I stared at it. Technoblade cleared his throat, "I'll get rid of this one, get a new couch."
I looked off to the side, staring down the hallway up ahead. "I can stay here."
Phil sighed, letting go of my shoulder and standing up, wings puffing a bit before calming down as he sighed. "Torva, I'm going to cut to the chase very quickly as to distract you, I'll be honest." Phil went into the kitchen as I held out my hands to the fire, feeling quickly returning to the digits. "We're starting a syndicate."
Tech cleared his throat, sitting down on the couch behind me. I felt his leg brush up against my side, I immediately moved forward while I heard him shift as a response so he was on the opposite end of the couch. I think Phil chose to ignore the exchange. "Do you have any cigarettes?" I broke the topic of the syndicate, feeling my foot start to tap.
"I'm not letting you smoke, it took a year to get you off those shits when you were like sixteen." Phil was putting tea bags in mugs, eyebrows furrowed as he looked to me.
"Look, it's how I'm coping right now just fucking give me a pack I know you have them from Wil." I snapped, looking to the Angel. I know that was really out of character, but I was absolutely done with this situation. "Then we can talk about the syndicate when I don't want to take a swan dive off a goddamn cliff."
Phil's wings puffed up again, feathers ruffling as he looked more taken aback than angry. "Torva first of all." He walked out of the kitchen, leaving the tea to steep and make ground toward me. "If you need coping mechanisms it's not going to be smoking, I'm not giving you cigarettes and if you are that desperate I won't hesitate to make you walk the ten miles to the town south of here. In below freezing temperatures which you are overly sensitive to." He pinched the bridge of his nose, "secondly, don't bring Wil into this. Ghostbur could come around any second knowing the thing is always wandering." He walked back to the kitchen now, wings slowly relaxing once more. "Finally, if you are genuinely having thoughts like that. We can go see Puffy and talk about suicidal tendencies. Believe me, I know how much you've been through in the past couple months, and it would make sense that you are feeling unhealthy ways."
He returned from the kitchen, placing a mug in my hands and giving the other to Tech who I knew was still behind me. "Sorry." A gruff voice muttered it, and Phil froze.
"It's not the time to be having this conversation, Techno. We talked about this." The blond deadpanned to the pinkette, sitting down in the arm chair next to the couch. "Now we-"
"Now we talk about the syndicate for a fuckin' healthy topic, I know Phil." I could hear that the Piglins teeth were bared, I could hear that he was getting angry. "Look! I know I caused this and I've come to horrid terms with it over a month ago! Why can't I-"
Phil stood up once more, the poor man having to do that plenty of times already since I came into the cabin. "Because she hasn't come to terms with it! Fucking look at her, mate! When your- your best friend has to have practical panics because of something you did that means you fucked up!"
I put down my tea, running a hand through my hair. "I'm right here." I spoke it softly, neither man hearing me over whatever argument they are having at this given time. I spoke up to counteract this. "I'm right here!" I turned around, seeing the blond gripping the pinkette's shirt. Both of their faces were contorted in anger. "Look, I don't fucking want to talk about it alright? Do me a favor and get rid of that goddamn couch sometime today-" I pointed at the grey piece of furniture, cringing. "And tell me about this syndicate."
Technoblade huffed and Phil sighed yet again. Both men sat down fully, tension trying it's best to ease its way out of our bodies. "You got it, mate."
"Thank you." I replied simply, curling my tail over my lap. The use of the appendage was confusing but had come easy.
"We're making an anarchist syndicate." Technoblade began, hunching over and resting his forearms on his knees. "We already have people in mind to seek out, but Niki and you are at the top of the list." He reached over to the coffee table, next to where he had placed his cup of tea. He grabbed a leather bound book, handing it to me and taking extra care for our fingers to not brush in the exchange.
I opened the first page, skimming over expertly written letters forged in ink. I could only assume this was one copy of many. "We found some kind of stronghold, thousands of years old is my guess. Whoever lived on his land made it, but it's underground and a damn good base if converted." Phil was slowly calming down from the previous exchange; in seems in general the topic switch was helping everyone unwind. "So, want to join the syndicate?"
I flipped through the rest of the pages, sighing as I closed the book. "We'd have code names, I'd be Protesilaus." Technoblade began, some barely noticeable joy seeping in as he spoke. I think he really liked this idea. "Phil is gonna be Zephyrus, and we've been talkin' to Niki about joinin' already. She's still decidin' but would probably be Nemesis."
I smiled, because Gods maybe my situation was shitty right now. Maybe I just went through a breakup with a man I loved, and maybe my best friend had morphed into some feared individual in my eyes. Maybe I was recovering from demonic genetic changes due to a danger response.
But this was new.
This was exciting.
It gave me something to focus on other than the nicotine and the thoughts I should probably be terrified of.
"Cronus." I muttered it, the men falling quiet.
"What?" Phil asked softly, probably not fully hearing me.
"My name will be Cronus."
❧
Phil's hand was intertwined with my own as we walked through damp and overgrown tunnels. The place was made of stone brick, and it smelled like earth and salt. Probably due to the fact that part of this place was most definitely underneath the Arctic ocean.
"Phil and I found it by accident, it partially leads underneath an abandoned igloo." Tech was walking up ahead, which was probably a combination of wanting to protect us and also so I didn't have to worry about him being in my blind spot. Almost immediately after I agreed on joining the syndicate I was dragged through the raging blizzard to these stone tunnels. As we walked through we were relighting torches Phil and Tech had previously hung on the walls.
Phil glanced behind us, probably slightly paranoid. "And you have no idea at all who made it? Phil haven't you been alive for many millennia?" I looked to the Angel, the man as dumbfounded as Tech and I.
"I mean, there were so many colonies from the old world I have no idea which one created this. There were thousands of groups of people, and none of them really left any proper writing behind, it was before there were universal written languages." Phil brushed aside some moss resting on a door, yet began to walk by the room. It seems they memorized where to go. "So we can't translate any writing or identify its origin."
"What's that room?" I stopped, tugging him back and pointing at the door he just brushed the plant life off of.
"I think the library actually, though like I said nothing in there will be readable to us." Phil explained easily, and Tech waited for us to finish the conversation. "There's a lot of bookshelves in there."
I opened the door, just glancing inside. All of the books seemed to be untouched, dusted over and coated in cobweb. I hummed curiously before closing the door with a creak. "I wonder if people lived here."
Tech opened an iron door, holding it open for Phil and I. "I doubt it was a permanent livin' space. There aren't any farms or signs of food at all, I'd say it was some kind of religious congregational buildin'." Tech began, and yeah I could see that. "There aren't even any sleepin' quarters, and in general it's fairly cramped. Seems like the definition of a small worship formation, maybe only higher ups could enter or somethin'. It doesn't seem like a church because I don't think many people could enter."
I made a sound of realization, smiling a bit. This reminded me too much of the past, just casual conversation without underlying worry. "So you think only priest like people could enter, people supposedly 'closer' to the God they are worshipping. Hence the smaller size and expensive items, yet no sleeping quarters."
Tech laughed, adjusting the crown atop his head. "Bingo." He sighed, opening yet another door for Phil and I. "Gods I missed this."
When I entered this door a large wide corridor was in front of me. And at the end there was a tan and green toned circle, hollow and with carved holes in the center of each elaborate design. I was speechless, letting go of Phil's hand and walking ahead of the two men.
There was a small staircase leading up to the formation, which seemed to almost be floating above a small pit of lava. "Woah." I breathed the word, running my hand over one of the objects. They were all connected, and seemingly exact intricate copies of one another. "What the hell are these made of?"
Phil came into my line of vision, shrugging and looking at the strangely colored creations. "We have no idea, can't find any records of something like it. And we can't identify any of the materials it's made out of."
Tech walked up next, making me break eye contact and focus back on the formation. Until I saw him lift a netherite pickaxe and raise it above the thing. I panicked, not wanting to see it broken. "Wait-!" It made contact with the strange material, only to clang off without leaving so much as a dent. It was strange, it looked so delicate yet netherite didn't so much as chip it. "Wha-"
"Indestructible, Phil and I tried to take a piece for examination weeks ago." The piglin hybrid seemed nothing short of frustrated, hooking the pickaxe back on his belt and crossing his arms.
As I stared more at the designs, I looked up and glanced around the room. There were small pits of lava on either side, with iron bars surrounding them perhaps to avoid injury. I gritted my teeth, suddenly having a slight headache. "I can't- I can't explain it but-" I began, words falling short as I took steps backwards off of the staircase, somehow not falling even though the stairs were horribly steep. "It's familiar somehow, isn't it?" I looked to the two men, both looking concerned and glancing to each other.
"What do you mean, nerd?" Tech ushered me on to speak, and yet proper words couldn't find my tongue.
"I- it's-" I placed my hand on one of the stone walls, the grooves of the brick finding home at my fingertips. "It's like it's supposed to be a memory, you know? Do you ever feel that? Like there's supposed to be something there yet it's just a hole? Like a puzzle piece that's missing, yet never existed in the first place." I laughed a bit, turning back around to the men.
Phil had a hand over his mouth, eyes closed in thought.
"It's strange, because, how could I miss something if it never existed? You feel that sometimes too, right?" I looked to them hopefully, and Tech looked blankly back at me.
"No, no we don't." Tech spoke slowly and I was kind of taken aback.
"Huh, guess it's just me then."
I continued walking around the room, running my dark hands over the textured tan part of the object. "We want to make it into a table." Phil mentioned, making all three of us burst into laughter.
"Ah yes, an ancient and indestructible object, probably used in worship, is now reduced to an anarchist organizations table." My words were joking and sarcastic, and I saw how we were all smiling.
It almost was normal. If not for the weight of horns on my head and tattered wings on Phil's back. If not for the indescribable constantly guilty expression on Tech's face.
We would be normal.
"I missed this." I didn't bother filtering the words, letting them slip from my lips with next to no hesitation.
"Well," Tech took one last look around, a wide smile on his face still undermining the guilt clawing away at his mind. "Welcome to the syndicate."
❧
It was something nostalgic and something to fear. That's what I realized far too late.
I was 'home' yet honestly I don't know if I could ever deem these cabins home anymore. It's like memories and ghosts wandered the halls in a way I hated.
When I walked down the hallway after returning from the ancient buildings, all I could hear was a ghost of Eret's laughter. All I could see was that fateful moment of me putting on my shoes in a rush, an argument that was stupid and life changing.
That strange feeling when your heart drops because you know your life will never be the same was draped over my cabin like a blanket.
Thoughts of 'what if' and 'could this change' found a life in my head as I did something as simple as open my bathroom door.
I just wanted to get ready to sleep, in a cold bed, alone. That was something I couldn't get used to, I was certain.
I had my pajamas on already, I had cringed when I had to sort through Eret's old clothes to get to my own. He was so intertwined in my life I couldn't help but wonder if it was even possible to pick up every piece he left. It's like our lives were momentarily threaded together, I don't know how I'd ever untangle us.
I grabbed my hairbrush, a familiar item yet something I hadn't touched in months. It's like the house had become a shell, something I'd have to live in all over again to give it the feeling of 'home'. It just didn't feel like mine anymore.
I went to brush my hair, and was met with a set of midnight horns. It made my breath hitch and my face contort into something of anger and annoyance.
I wanted to grab my dagger and just press into one of them, fucking cut into it until I could break them off. Leave them blunt stumps that I could cover with my hair. Do the same with my tail, just slice it off at the base so I didn't have to think about it.
I didn't come to from those thoughts until my hands were gripping the sink and hot tears were sliding down my cheeks. Why did things have to keep changing?
My mouth tasted like salt now, something I had become grossly accustomed to.
I breathed in slowly, looking back at the mirror. I forced my body to stop shaking, to grab my hairbrush and avoid the black bone.
The second I left that bathroom and sat down on my cold bed, I realized I couldn't do this. I didn't even have to lay down to know I couldn't.
It was stupid, I know that. It was stupid to not even put on a jacket and shoes. It was stupid to just walk out my front door and go across the shared porch. It was stupid to open Tech's front door with a key I knew was under his door mat.
It was absolutely idiotic to make my way up a ladder and hallway I memorized.
And to knock on his bedroom door.
There was pure terror in the back of my mind, making me tremble as I opened the bedroom door and stepped inside. He wasn't even asleep.
He looked nothing short of surprised, with glasses resting on his nose and a book in his palms. The room was dark except for a small lamp for reading, illuminating his form and novel. He was shirtless and wearing emerald colored pajama pants, contrasting the pink of his hair. I could see all of his golden rings laid out perfectly on his bedside table next to the lamp with his earrings.
One still remained on his thumb and another on his pinkie finger. I chose to ignore the way my heart lurched knowing those were the ones with Phil and I's names. There was another on his ring finger I didn't know the origins of, when I asked he would just say it looked nice so he kept it.
"Nerd?" His voice was rough, it was maybe four in the morning and he probably hadn't spoken since we all split up to sleep after returning. "Does Phil know you're here? Did he not pick up his communicator? What's going on?" Various questions left his mouth, I just took a few steps forward so I was at his bed side. He looked to the clock, "it's four in the morning."
"I know I'm being stupid okay? Just-" I watched him close his book, placing it by the lamp and golden jewelry wordlessly. "I can't be alone right now, and I know this is stupid because of- everything."
I sat down on the edge of his bed, feeling it lurch under my weight. "You should go. This isn't safe."
"Are you planning on hurting me?"
"Of course not, I'd rather die."
"Then what isn't safe?"
He blinked a few times, my mouth going dry. "I don't know, just, Phil says-"
I rolled my eyes, cutting him off. "Phil is sweet, and I'm sure he knows what he's doing, but that doesn't change the fact that you're my lifeline."
His expression changed in surprise before becoming monotone once more. "I am?"
"Of course you are."
He placed his hand on mine, thumb brushing over my knuckles lightly. Enough to make me shiver at the contact. "You're cold."
"I didn't put on a jacket."
He laughed a bit at that, taking off his glasses with his free hand and putting them on top of the novel. The cover was vermillion with gold detailing, a beautiful thing. "Of course you didn't. When have you ever taken care of yourself."
"I could say the same to you, you know."
"That's why we have each other." For these few moments it just felt like us. It was a warm room, but not stuffy, just enveloping. We were both speaking quietly whether we realized it or not, voices hushed and delicate despite the fact that there was no reason for them to be. "Why did you come here exactly?"
"I didn't know where else to go, I'll never know where else to go." The words didn't have much thought in them, but they held weight as if they did. He sat up straight, no longer leaning against the headboard of the bed.
"Do you want to spend the night? Are you okay with that?"
I let myself move forward, letting go of his hand and falling against his chest. My forehead was resting against bare skin, feeling heat radiate from his body. "Just one night, just hold me. I don't care if it isn't a smart idea."
His hand slipped underneath the back of my shirt, a calloused hand brushing against the blackened skin. He rubbed his palm in circles, reaching to the bedside lamp and turning it off with a click. He then used his free hand to pull me fully down as he shifted so he was laying down on the velvety covers.
He waited for me to move so I was under the duvet, tugging me close so I was flush against his body. "Just one night." He repeated it softly, lips brushing against my ear as he curled against me once more. Large hands were splayed across my back, with pink hair brushing against my shoulders.
I let my own hands hug around his torso, feeling him shiver because of how cold they were in comparison to his own body. They would warm up soon anyway.
We were both drowning in mistakes and emotions we couldn't understand, but at least we were drowning together.
We both knew it wouldn't be just one night.