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"It's time to leave again. Time to forget you ever existed. And time to forget you ever loved me. "
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Everything is alright, I swear everything is alright.
It's alright that I'm getting constant praise, it's alright that I'm okay with Eret hugging me, it's alright that I'm suddenly okay with talking about my emotions to him.
It's alright that he sleeps in bed with me every night, it's alright that his room is basically mine too now, it's alright that I don't feel comfortable without knowing where he is, and it's definitely alright that he makes my face flush.
It's alright.
"Tor, I was thinking about adopting Fundy."
I was leaning against him on our couch, somewhat watching the fire as I read. My legs resting over his, and his arm wrapped around my waist tugging me close. It was a comfortable silence, Eret looking over my shoulder and occasionally reading along with me; pointing at a sentence and asking for more explanation. Jokingly scolding me for flipping the pages too fast for him to read all the words. The castle was nice, having all of these things back.
And then he shattered it.
And I despised the way I liked the idea, I despised the way he was touching me, I despised the way I was happy, I despised the way that I was so comfortable with this.
Nothing is alright.
I hate that I've let him get this close.
I hate that I've allowed myself to feel this way.
The Grim Reaper cannot feel this way towards someone.
And so I closed my book with vigor, not bothering to keep the page.
Eret's concerned voice was shrouded in fuzz as my thoughts began collapsing on themselves. Confusion riddled with emotions clashing, feelings I hadn't experienced in over a decade; and things I never wanted to feel again. Warning lights flashing- no, screaming that I'm stupid, Ive let myself be carefree for far too long.
You've let yourself be happy again.
You've let yourself laugh again.
You've let someone have power over you again.
You've given part of yourself to someone again.
I went to stand up and Eret grabbed my wrist.
The touch burned, and it somehow felt warm and inviting; and at the same time pins and needles stabbing into my wrist.
Absolutely nothing was okay.
I snapped my wrist away from his hold; it almost felt like a sin to do so.
But- but that's fine. My existence must be a sin at this point; what's another to the list?
"Torva talk to me!" Eret managed to scream above the ringing in my ears, the fuzz clogging my brain and the emotions creating a harsh wind I couldn't quite pick up on.
It was when he snapped me back I realized I was hyperventilating.
I do not hyperventilate, that means I feel upset.
The Grim Reaper does not feel upset.
I'm the Grim Reaper.
"I don't see how it's a bad idea." Eret said, placing a hand on my shoulder.
He took a step back when I flinched from the touch.
What the fuck is happening to me? Why am I feeling this way? Why do I like him. Why do I feel safe with someone? I don't have roots, I don't have somewhere I've ever actually considered home before this. Everything else has just been a 'base'.
I liked it that way.
Why do I like it this way too?
This isn't allowed, this can't be allowed.
If I gave up on this apathetic aggressive persona; who would I be? I wouldn't know how to live.
And yet I've been living just fine, better in fact; a small voice in my brain said.
"Torva what's happening? Please talk to me."
I felt sick.
I felt myself walking away without much thought, Eret not bothering to grab me; probably learning from my previous reaction. It's like I was floating, no effort going into my movement. I didn't speak, I couldn't make out words being shouted to me. And I didn't comprehend anything until the touch of a cold brass doorknob snapped me to reality.
I was at the front door.
I looked at the spruce, now hearing Eret desperately asking where I was going, what he did, what he can fix.
How can I explain that it's everything that I didn't do?
And so with what felt like all the force in the world; I opened the door and walked out.
Maybe, just maybe if I take some time; I can just let this fade. Right? I can keep Eret close, keep a friend, and let these feelings of whatever I'm experiencing fade. Let myself grow partially numb once more, let myself forget of whatever the fuck this is.
And so I left.
I wasn't planning on staying away overnight I think, it's honestly up for debate. I'm doing this on a whim, my brain suddenly deciding it's time I revert. I've gone far too emotional and far too attached for far too long.
You don't have friends, you have allies.
You don't like people that much; not as much as you like him.
You don't have a home.
You don't cry.
I let out a shaken sigh and walked blindly, just sort this out, come back to the castle, go to your own room; forget what you're feeling.
It only took a few minutes of walking for it to pick up to a sprint, and it only took a few minutes of that to end up in a nearby forest. Leaves crunching underfoot, ignoring the fact that the sun was going down and shrouding everything in shadow.
I cursed my feet for a moment because of course they led me here. It's like my body naturally wanted to come to this stupid flower forest, the small clearing full of various flora.
Where we had our picnic during the first war.
The bright colors were fading a bit from the colder weather, and were covered in shadow from the now rising moon.
My eyes caught sight of a small gathering of carnations, I walked over to the beautiful plants; doing my best to avoid the others.
Since when have you cared for plants?
You've grown weak.
Stop caring.
I kneeled down in front of the gathering, reaching for a striped carnation. I delicately ran my fingers across the tips of the petals; the center of them being a white and the tops being a deep red. I always liked striped carnations, I forgot the meaning of them; but I knew each carnation represented a different form of love. I had probably stumbled across it in a book.
You can't feel love anyway.
It's just a stupid flower.
Give up already.
Just leave honestly.
It's okay to care you know.
Be quiet.
Shut up.
Next to the striped flowers were yellow ones, yellow carnations were always striking to me. They were so bright, never failing to catch someone's eye.
I betrayed the undisturbed forest, picking a striped carnation by the stem. I held the now dying flora close, hugging it close to my chest. At least I can have a flower.
I fell back into the gathering of carnations, back against the grass and fallen petals. I could feel my hair spread out behind me, and rested my hands against my chest holding the flower. At first glance I realized I could have probably looked dead.
It was peaceful, my thoughts carefully slowing down from the panic. My brain coming to terms that I must again revert back into my old headspace.
Why my thoughts decided I must let go of my deep connection to Eret? I couldn't really place.
My best guess is that I was growing far too attached to him, so attached that I couldn't place a word on it.
Maybe adoration fit.
I could hear soft crickets around me, only a few. I could assume the rest died from the rapidly changing seasons.
I let my eyes close, and began sorting through my wonderments one by one.
I didn't make much progress.
At least, not until I heard slow and quiet steps approaching. I guessed they were trying to sneak up on me, that means they aren't a mob; mobs aren't intelligent enough to do that.
"I can hear you." I spoke up, hearing the footsteps slow.
"Im not shocked."
It was Skeppy.
I opened a single eye, seeing blue tipped hair in the corner of my vision.
The short man walked up to me, beginning to walk through flowers with little to no care. "Don't step on the carnations." I ordered, Skeppy nodding and taking a seat next to me, laying back so we were side by side.
"What do you want, Skep?" I turned my head to the man, his eyes opening wide at the title. I didn't bother correcting myself. Though my brain immediately barraged me for using a nickname with someone.
"I want to know why you ran away from Eret." He replied, reaching for my hand.
I snapped it away from his hold.
"Talk to me."
"That's only the third time I've heard that today."
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, looking up at the moon. It was almost full tonight.
"Let us help you." Skeppy insisted, not tearing his eyes away from the stars above.
"I can't let you all help me. So just go. I don't even need help." I fiddled with the flower in my palms, knowing how at any second I could destroy it with one movement. It was strange holding such a delicate object.
"You can't? Or don't want us to?"
I stayed silent. The only noises heard being our unsynced breathing and chirping of the woods.
"Do you know how terrified Eret was? He messaged me and Bad over half an hour ago, they're both looking for you right now."
"Then they're idiotic."
"Do you actually believe that, or are your defenses telling you to say it?"
Silence fell again, and when he reached for my hand I didn't try to stop him, the flower now resting in my right palm and his small hand in my left.
"You're scared." Skeppy spoke up, awkward silence breaking for a few moments.
"The Grim Reaper doesn't get scared."
"Everybody gets scared."
And once again the silence settled around us, waiting to be sliced in two.
"Do you feel like you aren't allowed to be scared?"
"I don't want a fucking therapist."
"You need someone to talk to."
The short exchanges between us cut deeper than I appreciated, tore apart what I was thinking more than I appreciated.
"I'm going to say something, and I'm going to ask you to answer completely honestly."
"Fuck you."
"Did you panic because you were scared of how comfortable you were with Eret, and how the possibility of him adopting didn't bother you?"
I moved my arm holding the striped carnation over my eyes, letting my face be covered with my right arm; voided skin touching the pale. I didn't like the question, I hated it in-fact.
I hated how it was true.
Weak.
Letting your emotions go again.
You aren't supposed to feel this way.
The flowers are nice.
He's protecting us.
A few pricks of appreciation popped up before being drowned in insults.
"Torva."
I removed my arm from my eyes, turning to look at the black haired man, bright blues sticking out among the flowers and shadow. I couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes.
"You're scared."
"I'm not."
"You love him."
And then everything stopped.
Because no I didn't love him. How fucking stupid can Skeppy be?
"How fucking stupid are you? I can't love. That's basic knowledge at this point. Have you ever picked up a book about myths in your life?" The words were degrading and harsh, I couldn't bring myself to regret them.
"That's what they are Torva, myths."
I shut my mouth for a few moments, hoping he'd continue speaking so I didn't have to.
"You're letting myths control you Torva, letting things other people decided for you take control. You decide who you are; not a title."
"I hate you." I didn't mean it.
"I know." Please don't let him think I actually hate him.
Skeppy grabbed his communicator from his back pocket, typing something I couldn't read. It was probably him notifying the other men he found me.
"I don't love him."
"Okay."
This was frustrating. This was really frustrating.
"We're all proud of how much you've healed, you know. Feeling isn't a bad thing Torva, it isn't weak."
"It's fragile, it's feeble, it's a point of weakness, it's puny, it's every word for idiocy you can think of." I firmly believed that, I always have. Emotion is a way for people to get to you.
"I'd argue feeling emotions is one of the strongest things a person can do, to keep fighting and to move forward through setbacks. Being numb is weak, it's just running from the most difficult thing anybody can experience." The way he said it was monotone, like what he was saying wasn't challenging my very existence; the beliefs I've had for years on end.
"I can't stand you."
"You say that because you don't like how I'm telling the truth. How I'm fighting everything you know."
I hate that he was completely right.
"I ruined everything, didn't I?" I asked, holding his hand just a bit tighter.
"The response you have was probably entirely normal for your situation. Over this year you've been fighting against when you conditioned yourself to know, it stacked up, it broke, and you ran." Since when was Skeppy responsible, and since when was he able to analyze my very existence. Because apparently he's completely fine with ruining my very philosophy in the span of an hour.
"That doesn't answer my question."
"Because I don't know. Maybe Eret's mad, maybe he won't forgive you, that's up to him. You were a dick you know. You've been a dick." I winced at the harsh words, looking away from him and back up at the moon.
"I'm just telling the truth, hate me all you want. You've left him multiple times now, come back to him accepting you with no hesitation. He's told me how you've rejected him once now. And now after everything is okay between you two; things get a little too serious for you to handle and you book it."
This quickly turned from kind help from a father figure, into an aggressive lecture. And he was right, I did kind of hate him right now. I hated how he was making my world turn upside down, I hated how he was challenging everything I knew.
I hated how he was right.
"It's not alright. Nothing is alright. It's like- I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. Do you- do you know how strange it is suddenly having a home? Having someone? It was so nice at first; but now it's just confusing. It's all wrong; everything is all wrong."
"You just are conditioned to think it's all wrong, you grew up thinking this was the idea of wrong. Think about it for a second, lay down here with me, and think. Is this actually wrong Torva? Is having someone you love wrong? Is it wrong to be happy? Or do you feel this way because of how you were raised?"
And so I laid there, and I looked up at the moon, and I held my carnation. And I thought. Why was I doing this? I couldn't really know. I didn't have to humor him, but I was anyway.
Was this wrong? Definitely. No doubt about it.
Exactly!
It's all wrong.
You don't love anybody, we can't love!
Would it be wrong if you grew up differently?
One of those thoughts made me back up for a moment. Would this be wrong if I grew up with a different outlook? If I grew up normally, if I never went numb, if I didn't mature and go off at a young age; would this be wrong?
I don't know.
I can't know.
This is an issue of having no empathy. I can't do these activities. I can't imagine myself in 'someone else's shoes'. I really can't; it's just how I was born.
"Skeppy, I can't."
"Why not?"
"I don't have empathy, I can't- I can't imagine myself in someone else's situation." I felt pitiful, not able to do something for myself.
"Okay, so I'll answer for you. If you grew up without the trauma, without ever going emotionally dead; you wouldn't be here right now. Because your brain wouldn't have reacted in that way, due to slowly healing yourself; you're unused to feeling this way. You got overloaded, got scared, and then ran. You wouldn't have experienced that if you never lost them in the first place. As a result, you wouldn't feel as if it was wrong, because it would be normal for you."
I furrowed my brows for a few moments, letting everything sink in. "I don't like this."
"I understand."
"Could we, could we stay out here a bit longer?"
Skeppy didn't respond at first, opening his communicator and once again typing.
"Of course."
Silence fell, this time comfortable. Carnations dotted around both our forms and we laid in the night, not minding the possibility of a mob approaching.
I was left to put back together my dissected thoughts, hopefully in a way that wasn't disastrous.
Maybe Skeppy could help me do that.
Stop being stupid, he's not right.
Shut up.
Be quiet.
Maybe we aren't right.
Sssssshhhhh.
I saw how the sky above us was clear, a view of the stars was perfect from here. I guess it was a nice place to rethink almost everything I thought I knew.
I laughed a bit at the absurdity of the situation.
I ran my thumb along the stem of the carnation a few times and sighed, the laughter short lived.
I don't love him.