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"I know now, forgiveness is the greatest gift to ever receive.
I'm still waiting for that gift."
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❧Technoblade❧
"Stupid."
"E."
"Blood for the blood god!"
"I miss her."
"Idiot."
"Go kill Schlatt."
"Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid."
"Probably with Eret. He wouldn't betray her anyway."
"I'm sorry."
"Miss her."
"/rainbowchat."
I yelled slamming my fist into a tree. The wood splintered creating a horrid splitting noise. I looked down seeing blood now leaking from my right hand. That was stupid of me. If anything the voices just got louder from the sight of the vermilion liquid. I am the Blood God after all.
"Shut up chat!" I screamed gripping my hair. I couldn't stand it anymore. Normally the voices would be far more quiet than now. Sure they got riled up during fights but nothing was even happening anymore.
They haven't allowed me to even sleep since Torva left. I still had that cloak hanging up in my base. What's worse is that normally the voices, which I deemed chat, would be supportive of me at least. Calling me a god, demanding blood which of course I never minded supplying.
But now it was a constant stream of degrading and insults. And it seems it just got louder every day now. I would be lying if I said I wasn't counting the days. It's almost been a week and the signs of war are just increasing. More people appearing saying they support us, gods we practically have the entire server on our side.
But not Torva.
Maybe we don't deserve her anyway.
I can scream and train to let my anger out all I want. But I can't even disagree with the voices anymore, because they are all right. All damn right.
"I know I fucked up okay?!" I screamed again, my vocal cords hurting from the constant yelling over the days. I didn't yell often but when I did I surely paid for it later. My throat wasn't able to handle the volume but here I was anyway.
Every damn day I expected to find her at Pogtopia or something. A stupid sliver of hope trying anything to keep my dignity. Every day closer and closer to just giving in.
I didn't apologize, fuck I've never apologized except maybe to Phil. But here I am absolutely miserable and running on practically no sleep. My hair fell over my shoulders as I dropped to the ground. The braid fell out so I just dealt with having it down. I was horrid at braiding it myself, I never bothered to learn and when Torva did try to teach me I couldn't do it. I relied on her for simple tasks like that.
I came to the empty woods to train not to have a full scale breakdown over not having my Reaper.
I guess I shouldn't use the term 'my' anymore. She left, and it was valid. I fucked up that bad.
It was so stupid, no I was so stupid. I completely let the voices take over and I just let her cry.
I made her cry.
I slammed my fist into the ground. I was just on my knees staring into the grass.
I took some deep breathes only to scoff and yell one last time before the volume made my voice fizzle out. All the birds in the area were probably gone now, having been scared away.
She was probably with Eret. And damn that made the wound sting that much more. Of course I have no right to be jealous or angry. We aren't together romantically. But I can't help but feel pissed at myself that I made her run to another guy. Someone she met after I sent her away in the first place.
Of course she needed that journey, she needed that realization. But I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want to break her and I didn't want to make her hate me.
Gods she probably hates me.
I don't think I could live with that. I, a god, had allowed someone to have this much power over me. And honestly, I would be lying if I said I was upset over that. Her and Phil have so much over me and I just let them.
And now I lost her.
I was so close to snapping.
"Apologize."
"Sorry."
"Miss her."
"Hurts."
"Blood for the blood god."
"IDIOT."
"DUMBASS."
"E."
"SAY SORRY."
"SAY SORRY."
I winced at the volume of the screams. I have no choice. I really don't.
I was about to throw in the towel and really go to Eret's castle. Oh my gods I can't believe this.
I guess I wouldn't train today.
I was fully dressed to do so, thinking idiotically that maybe it would calm down the voices.
I sighed and stood up, I've gone longer without sleep than this. And I don't think I can function if the voices get any louder.
I walked back to Pogtopia, I would get dressed and throw away my dignity. Bruh, if Eret saw me pour my heart out and apologize to Torva this would be so much worse. I can't stand apologizing to one person as it is.
Did she tell Eret what I did? Did she have to go vent to him? Was I a topic she had to vent about?
I can't stand the thought that I made her cry let alone need to vent to someone. Gods what if she had a panic attack? She had one recently and I was barely able to handle that without breaking down too.
When I entered Pogtopia I heard Tommy yell.
He scrambled up the stairs. "Big M that you?!" Tommy screeched and his face dropped when he saw that it was just me.
"Oh. I wonder when she's coming back." Tommy grumbled with a sad smile. Neither of the men know exactly what happened between me and Torva. And Tommy's excited expression when he heard somebody enter the ravine made me wince every time.
All anybody knows is that we got into a heated argument. And believe me my twin has interviewed me about the situation one too many times. Tommy won't stop pestering me either. Even Niki won't let up saying how if she finds out I hurt the girl she won't forgive me.
"Bruh I'm sure Torva Messor is fine." I put on my usual sarcastic tone. I was a god, someone to be feared, I refuse to seem all sad and guilty.
"She better be! Big M is all tough and strong, I don't know what you did but I'm sure you were a real jerk Blade!" Tommy was in general mad at me lately. Wilbur used her leaving as a card to use against Tommy.
Even if everybody was on our side now he kept telling the blond nobody cared about them anymore. How even the Grim Reaper left them.
I wonder if she still used the name I helped her choose. Torva Messor, I can remember the day we sat down thinking of a new name. Did she hate me so much that she went back to using Tia?
We both agreed Tia didn't fit her any longer. Tia is the goddess of peaceful death in a branch of mythology neither of us are particularly interested in. So Grim Reaper in Latin, after the tale of Cronus, seemed much more fitting.
I went down into Pogtopia and quickly made my way to my room. I didn't want to have to talk with any of the newer residents.
I locked the door and sighed.
I was doing this. I had to go through with this. I just need to apologize and ruin my dignity and get it over with.
She'd accept my apology right? Shit I didn't take that into account.
"Bruh." I slammed my head backwards into the door out of pure annoyance, immediately regretting doing so as a jolt of pain went down my body.
I just grabbed my cape and proper clothes. I didn't train in the ensemble due to overheating, and in general it's difficult with the heavy cape. I tend to throw it off of my body before battles anyway, as much as I wouldn't admit it- it is just for show since it looks cool.
Torva has her cloak for actual purpose. Black makes it easier to blend in, and she's more of a limber type of fighter. Preferring to catch targets off guard to begin fights. The color allows her to do so.
I really can't go more than five minutes without thinking of her.
I'm utterly hopeless.
I just grabbed my clothes and got dressed. I'm done with this, and the sooner I can apologize and either get rejected or accepted back into her life; the quicker I can stop having this disaster of a practically obsession.
I brushed through my hair to the best of my ability. Trying to work through knots. I always get distracted while doing simple tasks like this. Either getting sidetracked and forgetting, or taking breaks in between and then also forgetting.
I bolted for the stairs out of Pogtopia. I remembered the way to Eret's castle quite clearly. She's either there or Bad's, and I think she isn't comfortable living with the half-demon full time just yet. So my best bet is Eret much to my own dismay.
The voices were quite amused.
I managed to make it out without too many hang ups.
Okay Technoblade, cardinal directions, where's the sun. I looked up and around, okay, so south.
I ran off, just get this done fast. Less embarrassment and worry. Less screaming in my head.
Get it over with Techno.
"POG!!"
"Lmao nerd."
"Grim reaper?!"
"L"
"E?"
"YOOOO!"
I winced as the voices got louder. I really need to hurry this up.
But, yet when I arrived at the front of the castle. My heart rate picked up. Oh my gods I was doing this, this was happening. It was right there.
I have enough time to leave right? I can just go? Do it another day?
There's no due date on when to apologize to your best friend of eight years right? I don't have a time limit? If there was I'd probably wait until the last day. This kind of stress is not appreciated in the slightest.
But it's my fault. This is all my fault and I hate that with a burning passion. How stupid could I have been to listen to Schlatt. Let Schlatt call me a friend and order me around. I was played like a card and I let him use me.
Out of everybody why did I let it be Schlatt.
I walked past a gorgeous fountain, stones placed meticulously. Large cobblestone towers with rainbow stained glass. On top of the castle small statues built by I think Badboyhalo. Torva told me how he made a lot of them for everybody.
Eret was holding a rainbow flag, and his signature glasses and crown on the statues face. Next to him was Torva, red hair sticking out and a small scythe in her hands like Eret's flag.
I smiled, seeing the additions. Bad really did like his little sister. She deserved it, she deserved the world. And she deserved to know I wouldn't make that idiotic mistake again.
With newfound confidence I strode forward to the spruce doors. Large and doornknockers taunting me.
One knock. One move of the hand.
Maybe I could leave. I could leave. I should leave.
As I went to turn around and go it's like my hand moved on it's own. Of course it didn't but it's like a part of me knew to not be stupid.
And a large clang sounded as the doorknocker hit the wood.
The door creaked open after a minute, and on the other side was a tall brunette. A crown sitting on his head and he was looking behind him laughing.
"It's probably Niki Tor! Cmon just wait a second you're so impatient!" He laughed and turned to look at me.
And his face dropped in shock, because I well, I was definitely not Niki.
I gulped. "I uh- hm- I'm- I should just go this was a mistake." I laughed awkwardly. Him answering the door was the last thing I wanted.
I pointed behind me and went to turn around once more, but he grabbed my wrist.
"No. You aren't leaving. I did not console that girl through so many breakdowns over your dumbass for you to chicken out and leave. Come inside and don't fuck this up you hear me?" Suddenly Eret seemed that much scarier. But his words just made me far more guilty over this whole situation.
I just nodded and he let go of my wrist. He opened the door and let me inside.
"Hurt her again and I swear I'll find someway to get your Dad out here to beat your ass." Eret shoved me forward and I gulped. He was surprisingly terrifying when like this.
"Tor I'll be in my room with the door closed! It will be unlocked if something goes wrong!" Eret shot me one last glare before running off down a hallway. Presumably to his bedroom.
"Goes wrong? What do you mea-" Her words were cut off as she looked around and saw me. Behind her was a picnic basket, being packed.
I heard small panicked stutters, I had her cloak in my backpack behind me if this went well. And something else I had been working on.
The 'if' is what scared me. I wished this was a sure thing, that's she would come back to me definitely.
"Uh- hey." I took a few steps forward, I looked at her frame and just wanted to pull her in a hug. That's all I wanted.
Her outfit surprised me. Because the last thing I expected Torva to be wearing was a soft lilac. But strangely I liked it. And I don't think I've ever seen the girl wear jeans. Yet here she was with a tucked in short sleeve lilac top, and some high-waisted blue jeans.
She seemed to have kept those same combat boots though.
I liked it. Seeing her in such a casual outfit.
She looked away from me fumbling with her hands.
"I uh- oh I'm already bad at this." My panic rose as I began the conversation.
I put on a mask of a cocky and confident god. It's easy to play a role. But the truth was I was considerably antisocial and honestly quite awkward. Just Phil and Torva were the only ones to ever really see me like this.
I took a deep steadying breath. "I'm sorry. I know it isn't enough. It might never be. Because I'm stupid and I'm bad at this. And honestly I can't stand the fact that I'm even doin' this right now because it shouldn't have happened." I was right in-front of her now. She wasn't making any effort to go. Dash for Eret's room.
The silence was choking.
"I miss you. And it's my fault. I'm admitting it okay? I'm a dick and a dumbass or whatever you want to call me, just know my own mind has been sayin' far worse." I sadly laughed because it was honestly true.
She looked up at me and I saw a small smile curl at her lips. She's been getting better at expressing her emotions like that.
"You have every right to not accept this apology. I can just leave you alone. What you went through is horrible, and I totally disregarded that for my own selfish bloodlust. And as your God, no your best friend, your partner. I'm really fucking sorry."
I was completely fumbling over my words. I was standing there awkwardly with my hands pressed against eachother. I winced as the voices got louder waiting for a response.
"Please say somethin' I'm dying here."
She took a big gulp of air and exhaled slowly. Obviously trying to piece things together.
I was silently begging she would accept it, wanting so badly to just scoop her up in my arms. She was so tiny and small compared to me even if she was quite tall in general. I liked it because I could hug her easier. Physical contact wasn't my forte but I found she was an exception.
"I missed you too Techno, but you have to understand you betrayed me. And- god you tried to order me to come with you after that. How do I know it won't happen again?" The words shattered me a bit. Because she was right, she has no reason to believe me.
"Because I can't afford to lose you. Not as an asset or strength reason, because I need you. You make me happy and I can't go through my day without thinkin' about you in some way multiple times. Just brushing my hair in the mornings require you. I'm missin' something, no someone without you." I hated how desperate I sounded, cringing at my own words as they slipped out of my mouth without a filter.
I expected yet another retort from her. Which was honestly expected.
Torva holds a damn good grudge. Always has. She has grudges for people from years ago. And I did far worse than many of them.
She took a step forward and I half expected to be slapped. Instead she delicately laid her head against my chest and wrapped her arms under my cape and around my torso.
I initially stuttered at the sudden contact. But decided I should probably appreciate it. I possibly too forcefully wrapped my arms around the girl and placed my chin on top of her head. It felt good to have the warmth in my arms again.
"I'm just really sorry nerd."
I heard a soft laugh from her so I hugged her just a bit tighter. I didn't want to suffocate the poor girl.
"I guess I missed you too. I'll stay here for a few more days though I think. But- I'll help you finish taking down Manburg. I think Eret's gonna help too. I'll be your partner again but, it's gonna take a bit more time to really forgive and forget and all. Whatever that saying is." The words were semi-muffled but I caught them. And after they were said I felt the voices quiet down to a mere hum once more.
I sighed in relief, suddenly realizing how loud they were after silence hit like a truck. I felt my legs give out a bit before I readjusted.
"Voices that loud recently?" She said pulling away and looking amused.
"Yeah they wouldn't stop screamin' it was honestly just painful." I brought a hand up and gripped my head. The silence was so nice now, like calm cold water.
She laughed and ran a hand through my hair. Probably noticing it wasn't braided. That touch could melt me. I looked at her hands and became confused.
How come there's black at her fingertips?
I grabbed her hand and looked at it. Did she stain her fingers doing something?
"Oh yeah. That's kinda just there now actually. It's a part demon thing." The words were so causal for a thing like this.
"How?"
"Well apparently when half-demons bottle up anger, it expresses itself via demon traits. So now I have some cool fangs and random black marks on my fingers." She laughed but I became concerned. Did this happen because of me? Did I cause this?
How can I feel so horrid even after apologizing? I'm really bad at this aren't I?
"Oh. Did I cause the uh- black markings thing?" I cringed again when she nodded. Now I felt that much more stupid.
I grabbed her again into a hug determined to somehow show her I'm even more sorry than I can express with words.
"You look good in purple." I don't know why I let it slipped. I spoke without much thought at all. But I felt her hold on me tighten, so I could only assume I said something correct.
I pulled away. I decided I might as well do the last step I planned out. It's gone just fine so far I think at least.
I took off my backpack and she watched curiously. "I uh- hope you don't mind I have a few things for ya."
I first pulled out the cloak. I heard her laugh before taking the fabric. A weight was lifted off my chest as she did. It was proof that she was my right hand woman.
Then I grabbed a small box. One thing I prided myself on was my ability to weld things. Specifically gold.
I don't know why but my piglin genes act up with the stuff. That's probably why I'm always wearing some. I have my ears pierced in multiple places with gold earrings and various gems. Rings too.
I know Torva has her ears pierced. But she doesn't wear anything in them but some silver studs.
"I uh- you still have your ears pierced?" I probably sounded so extremely awkward and I despised it.
"Yeah why? I just keep some studs in." She was clasping the cape on. The black fit the outfit. I eyed my name embroidered in the corner.
"Here." I carefully handed her a small box.
She opened it and picked up two earrings. They were gold and at the ends there were a small ruby on each earring. I liked giving gifts to her and Phil, there was a new thing I'd bring them every couple weeks. Something to work on and do.
And I guess I decided I wanted her to wear gold too. Maybe I'm more piglin than I give myself credit for.
"They're gorgeous." Now that made me feel unimaginable pride. She put the jewelry back down and reached up, taking out the small silver circles previously worn.
The earrings were golden hooks attached to a gold chain. And at the end a ruby, which were honestly quite rare but barely used for anything. She easily put them on and looked back at me.
"Thank you. For the apology and earrings. They both mean a lot."
I couldn't help but smile seeing the earrings being worn. She walked down a hallway, like she had memorized the castle. Well she probably has.
I heard a yell and both her and Eret walked out. "Hey Tech do you know where Niki is? She at Pogtopia?" Torva asked kindly.
I nodded. "She's at Pogtopia. Both her and Tubbo moved in after the festival." It was a huge change having so many new people there and coming in and out. Even Quackity occasionally showed up.
Eret nodded. "You need to pick up stuff there anyway right? Might as well grab her for the picnic while there." Eret gestured to the basket and I raised an eyebrow.
"Oh yeah sorry Tech, I'd hang out but me, Eret, and Niki have a picnic planned actually."
Sure I was happy she was branching out, making friends and doing things other than training. When we met her she had nobody and didn't know how to even socialize. It was so many steps forward and I was proud.
But I couldn't help but feel jealous Phil and I weren't the only people in her life anymore.
"Do you want to join us?" Eret asked and I was taken aback. I didn't assume Eret liked me in the slightest. He was cautious around me. But also he seemed pleased I fixed what occurred between me and Torva.
"Heh?- I'm not really a picnic guy sorry. Can't sit still for long." Torva laughed at my response and nodded to Eret.
"He was barely able to eat dinner with me and Phil because he had to sit down for so long to do so. Had to get up and do something halfway through." I huffed in annoyance knowing it was true. I had to always be doing something. A project to fixate on.
"Ah okay! Well we can walk to Pogtopia with you to get Niki. Thanks for clearing everything up between you two."
"Yeah, glad it's cleared up." I smiled at Torva who was looking out a window. Distracted and not knowing how destroyed I was by her simple absence.