BTS Angsts

Kim Seokjin - Shattered

<Jin Pov>
The bell rang, indicating that recess break was over. I stood up slowly and began walking to my locker. All the boys walked in front of me in pairs. Jimin with Jungkook. Hoseok with Suga. Namjoon with Taehyung. I walked behind them with my head down, only just enough that I could still see where I was going. Being the oldest meant that I was in a different class to all of them, and although they weren't in the same class, being on the same building floor made it easier for them to talk - meaning their bond was much closer. Once we reached their floor, I turned to go up the stairs but hesitated for a moment. Normally at least one of them would say goodbye to me, and I hoped that I wouldn't be forgotten just like all the other times. I sighed when I realised that they'd probably been too immersed in their conversations to notice my existence and began to trudge up the stairs. "Why am I even around them when they don't notice me?" I mumbled to myself, as I avoided all the gazes from other classmates and walked to my next class.

<Jungkook Pov>
"And I swear Jungkook the burgers were this huge! You should've skipped practice and come with us!" I listened to Taehyung's enthusiastic explanation of burgers and laughed when he whined like a baby. "I'll come next time , I promise!" I said and he grinned before running off to his locker and grabbing his books for next class. I turned around to say goodbye to Jin hyung but became disappointed when I saw him already walking up the stairs. He had been very quiet and down lately but he always told us that he was okay. But I knew deep down that he wasn't, and he was only telling us that because he's the oldest hyung. I scratched my head as I sat down at my desk and waited for the teacher. I figured that I'd talk to Jin hyung later just to see what was going on.

- Time Skip -

<Jin Pov>
When lunch break rolled around I quickly ate my lunch at my locker before grabbing my textbooks and walking quickly to the library. I didn't feel like hanging around with the boys if I was just going to be forgotten, so I might as well do something productive and get my homework done. Once I got to the library I shoved my earphones in and blasted my music to block out my surroundings. Immersing myself in my work, I didn't pay attention to what was happening around me and put all of my efforts into some math formulas and an english essay. I continued to work until my hand cramped up that I leaned back in my chair and sighed. Would the boys be concerned that I wasn't there? I thought, but shook of the question and got back to my work.

<Jungkook Pov>
"Aye Kookie let's buy ice cream!" Jimin said, dragging me along with him to the cafeteria. "Okay! Oh yeah, have you seen Jin hyung?" I asked, trying to hide the concern in my voice. "Hmm...no I haven't. Don't worry, he's probably just caught up in class or something." Jimin assured me and I nodded numbly before letting him drag me to the cafeteria and buy some ice cream. Once we all bought our foods, we walked to one of the tables and began to eat. The cool taste of the ice cream exploded in my mouth and I grinned at the satisfaction. "Its good, yeah?" Jimin asked and I nodded with a smile. "Can I have some?~" Taehyung asked but Jimin shook his head. "Go buy your own" Jimin teased and poked his tongue out. Taehyung sighed before getting up and buying his own ice cream. I glanced at my watch. Lunch was nearing its end and there had still been no sign of Jin hyung. I bit my lip in concern and looked down, thinking of what would've happened. He did well in all his classes so it was unlikely for him to stay back. "Kookie, what's wrong?" Hoseok asked and I looked up. "N-nothing. I'm gonna go find Jin hyung." I said in a rush before quickly getting up and walking out of the cafeteria before Hoseok could say anything else. I searched around the whole school and even ran into one of Jin hyung's favourite teachers who said he hadn't seen him. Before I could look anywhere else, the bell rang and I made my way back to class. Jimin met up with me on the way and we went back to class together. "Don't worry about Jin hyung, I'm sure he's fine!" Jimin said, patting me on the back. I nodded and cracked a smile, but I knew something was wrong.

<Jin Pov>
When lunch ended, I went back to class and sat through 2 hours of science which drained the life out of me. The sound of the bell was music to my ears and I jumped out of my seat to get to my locker. Grabbing my backpack, I smiled in delight at how light it was because I'd done all my homework during lunch break. I took out my phone before shoving my earphones in and blasting my music for the whole walk home. It wasn't long, but I let myself walk slowly to enjoy the cool summer breeze. Once I got home, I went to my room and pulled out my phone from my pocket to see that I'd received a message from Jungkook.

Kookie: hey hyung! where were you at lunch today?
- received 1 minute ago -

I stared at the screen for a moment, contemplating whether or not to reply. I sighed after a moment before swiping up, typing a message back, and hitting send.

To Kookie:
PinkJin: I had some work to do^

Jungkook replied back within seconds and my heart pounded in my chest as I knew what he would ask.

Kookie: hmm...alright
- received just now -

Kookie: are you okay?
- received just now -

I quickly typed back a response before crashing down on my bed and taking in a deep breath. Jungkook was always the one who asked about my concerns and worries, but he was the maknae and I didn't way to put such a burden on him.

PinkJin: I'm fine.
sent

Kookie: no you're not
- received just now -

I raised an eyebrow at Jungkook being so direct. Yes, I wasn't okay - but I didn't want Jungkook to know that.

PinkJin: Jungkook, I'm okay.
sent

Kookie: Don't lie to me hyung
- received just now -

PinkJin: I'm not.
sent

PinkJin: I have to go now Jungkook. I'll see you tomorrow.

After hitting send, I ignored the fact that Jungkook was blowing up my phone with more messages and got up, locking myself in the bathroom. I slumped against the door and let my tears flow down my cheeks. I cried. Not only because I felt forgotten, but because I hated myself for who I was. Me. Seokjin. The oldest hyung who couldn't even take care of himself. That's who I was and I hated it. I hugged my knees and put my head down to muffle my sobs. I hated myself for being so broken. Getting up off the floor, I was scared to look at my reflection. But even when I caught a glimpse of myself, I found it hard to look away. I brought my fist up to the mirror and punched it hard, not caring about the shards of glass that rained down near my feet. I was ashamed of myself. I'd never seen someone look so broken. So shattered. Other than myself at this point. I, Kim Seokjin was a broken soul. With red eyes and a painful heart, I looked at the glass around me and let more tears flow. Just like the glass beneath my feet, my soul was completely and utterly;

shattered.