He was my Smoke,

Chapter Thirty eight - Because I'm your fiancée, that's why-

Chapter Thirty eight:

I tried blinking my eyes open from my slumber and realized I was still alive. Disappointment filled me; I didn’t want to fight any more but my body was too strong to let go, my heart was too strong to stop beating; however I need to die.

I wish to die

My throat was dead, dry and rough; merely breathing made it ache. My fingers were numb, if they’re cut off; I doubt I’ll feel it. My eyes didn’t bother to try and blink open because deep down I knew I would be let down.

The laughter around me was mute and nothing was heard- or I’m the one who lost all sense of hearing.

When you’re dying slowly, having nothing to do but stare at your helpless darkness filling you in bit by bit, you tend to turn to god. And if you didn’t believe in god, you’ll wish to believe in any superior power that could ease the fear or the worry or the unexplainable curiosity of what’s going to come.

I couldn’t speak and I couldn’t fight but I was able to relive every memory, every tear I ever shed and every laugh that made my eyes twitch. I lived my life to the fullest, fought for what I believed in- even though I just discovered I was led to believe in it and it wasn’t springing from my own heart- I fell in love, I was too close to throwing away the game of getting into girls’ pants for the one girl I truly love.

If I wasn’t so drained of life, I would have smiled.

My life wasn’t wasted; I lived it- for real.

~

“Natalie,” I whispered roughly beside Natalie’s ear. She had her arm around Dean’s waist as he snuggled against her in their sleep. I envied them but it wasn’t controlling me. two of my favorite people were happy and in some way, knowing they were happy made me happy.

Natalie shifted slightly upon my voice and then stilled. I rolled my eyes and pushed her slightly. her head jerked upwards and she stared both directions before eying me attentively,” what?” she croaked sleepily.

I smirked at her and asked her to follow me. she did what I said; just because I told her I bought brownies- which was a complete lie.

She entered Abraham’s room that I was sleeping in the night before and looked around to have her shoulders falling in comprehension,

“You tricked me!” she stated and I chuckled before biting my lip,

“Natalie I don’t want you to come with me,”

Her sleepy eyes frowned and sleep was eradicated as she took a forward step towards me,” what?”

I nodded,” If I die, I die for love. If you die, you’ll die for what?”

She raised an eyebrow,” love,”

I shook my head,” Please Lil’s, I don’t want you to lose your life, I mean you had cancer! You lived through it and it’s just not fair to die after going through all that shit,”

She smiled and held my hand,” Roya, if I’m meant to die, I’ll die. It doesn’t matter from cancer, the gangs or a badly cooked brownie—“I frowned at her and she stuck her tongue out,”—besides, you said it yourself, I lived through cancer, do you think a few gangsters with huge guns and big bodies will scare me? Hell no,”

I chuckled and pulled her to me to hug her,” You’re my best friend, that’s all I can say”

She rubbed my back,” when we survive today, you won’t say those words again,”