Persphyni: I am Determined

28

I slowly ate the cooked fish and berries as Clarke stared at me. Her eyes flicking from my cleaned and wrapped hand to my eyes as I stared directly at her. Knowing if I looked away or refused to make eye contact she would know something was up.

I was going to try to play everything down. But judging from her piercing gaze I wasn't going to be able to do it very well. I may be able to lie my ass off, but Clarke could see into my mind sometimes.

"Fucking mind reader." I grumbled out loud to both her surprise and mine.

"Alright, spill." Her gaze narrows as she crosses her arms. The lasers in her eyes piercing me in a demanding stare.

I set the handmade utensils down and wiped my lips with my long sleeve. Taking a slow sip of water under her glare.

"Look, I just cut my hand. It really wasn't a big deal." Liar.

"You may believe that but this is the second time within a week you've sliced yourself along that scar. It's the same one you would use to draw your war paint. But you haven't used it for that. You've just cut it open and let it bleed without taking care of it." I just sat silently letting her continue. "Your eye bags are darker and you have less energy when you work with Madi. You aren't getting enough rest. It isn't just me who sees you're hurting. Madi has picked up on it. She asked about you the entire day. And before she went to bed she asked me to find you. She knew something was wrong. And then I find you with this." She tapped the top of my hand where the white wrap sat.

"What do you want me to say? I haven't been sleeping well? I have angry thoughts? I hate not being in control of my brain? That there's days I want to take a leap off the cliff edge?" I choked on my breath as I let everything slowly pour out. "It's so dark, I can't find myself. Who I am, who I was- it's just gone. I have these swings where I don't want to deal with my darkness anymore. But I know I have to fight. That I'm not a quitter, I'm a survivor. A fighter, a warrior. But there's days I wish I wasn't. I'm so tired but I can't sleep." Her hand gently rested over my left hand as I clenched it in anger.

"Pers." But I didn't let her start talking. I needed to get this off my chest.

"I can't help but feel it's partly due to a guilty conscience about leaving the bunker. The other for leaving Bellamy. I know it had to happen, but now I have questions. I don't understand what is happening. And not knowing what is going on scares me. I'm the strong one, the brave one, the tough one, the badass, the prepared one, the protector, the stone-cold bitch who always has a plan of attack and can beat anything. But right now all I am is tired and scared. And shit, I'm struggling to beat this. And... and," My breath hitched. "I've deeply and madly fallen. I love him. And I never fucking told him." A tear slid down my face.

"I fucking love him and I never got to tell him. What if I had died, then he'd never know how much he means to me. What if he never makes it back down and we never get the comms system to work, he'd never know. And it's all because I was too scared to tell him. He changed my life, Clarke. Hell, you all did." I sniffed as I held my head in my right hand. My left still held in Clarke's grasp.

"Pers. Trust me, he knows. You may not have spoken the words to him, but actions speak louder than words. He knows. He knows." She took a breathe before moving to wrap me in a hug. "And as for everything else. It's okay to not always be strong. It shows you're human. You can't be an invincible superhero all the time okay? It wouldn't be fair to us normal folk." I laughed through my sniffles as I brought my hands around her to hug her back.

"What you are going through is difficult. But I know you can get though it. Because you are strong and you've overcome so many obstacles in life. This is just to keep you on your toes. Think of this as a way to become even stronger. And I'll be here for you if you ever need me. You're not alone. It's okay to ask for help or advice or just talk about whatever is on your mind. That vulnerability will help balance the weight that you hold on your shoulders, Ms. Atlys." I laughed again. Squeezing her tightly as she hugged me back.

"Thank you, Clarke."

"Anytime, Pers."

We stood in silence for a few more seconds before another body collided with ours. An arm wrapped around my hips as a head wrested on my waist.

"Hey, Madi." I laughed lightly as she squeezed me.

"I love you Pers. Please don't leave me. Us." I smiled as I released Clarke enough to kneel down and pull the young girl into my arms.

"Never. I pinky promise."

_______•*•*•*•______

How funny that it's the first ever pinky promise I break.

"I'm sorry, Madi."