Persphyni: I am Determined

15

I remained moving in the trees, finally resting to sit on one just above the girl as she peered around it. Her eyes on the blonde who sat sketching something by the water.

I noticed Clarke's pant leg was rolled up as she sat letting it dry. I wasn't exactly sure how or when she found the paper and graphite but at least she is able to enjoy doing something she hasn't been able to do in a long time.

A crack sounded below me and I watched as Clarke paused discreetly. Her head turning slightly in the direction of our tree.

The little girl gasped quietly and ducked behind the trunk as I held back a laugh. This was a disaster.

How are we the last three people left on top of the earth? An artist, a child, and a warrior.

Clarke tore the page from her book and set it down on the rock. Clearly having a plan, I watched as she began to limp away. Once Clarke was out of sight the little girl ran down the rocks curious to see what was left.

She grabbed the sketch and I saw her smile at the drawing. The little girl stood and held the paper close to her chest as she looked in the direction of where Clarke had left. The smile still on her face.

Nice move, Clarke.

_______•*•*•*•_______

I followed the girl back towards the village and watched as she ran back inside the same building. Only this time she came out with a familiar bag on her back.

She took a deep breath and slowly began to walk towards the building Clarke and I had stayed in last night. The girl dropped the bag off on the porch, knocked, then ran away.

This time I didn't follow her.

I watched the door open as Clarke hobbled forward to grab the bag her eyes scanning the area with a small smile.

"I think she's starting to like you." Clarke's eyes snapped up to where I sat dangling my legs over the branch. A smirk on my face as she rolled her eyes.

"Being that it's only us three, it only make sense we tried to live together." She responded as she set her bag inside the room.

"Never said we shouldn't. I just think it's funny that one little drawing is all it took."

"If only it was that easy." I nodded in agreement. That little girl was something else. I think getting the bag back was the least of our worries.

Now we had to actually make friends. You all know how well that goes for me.

_______•*•*•*•________

I spent the next few weeks observing. Watching as Clarke did small things to help the little girl, the little girl doing the same. But not once did they speak nor did they see each other. It was weird.

I still couldn't sleep. Every night I found myself either up a tree or on the roof of a building staring up at the sky. The dark blanket with small, bright stitches covered me in familiarity.

I found safety in the night. The stories of the stars familiar and unchanging as each day they vanished then reappeared come nightfall. The night was quiet.

The night was my domain.

I would stare at the night sky for hours on end. Moving between the stars as I let memories and wishes dance around in my head. And every time I neared sleep, I would fall prey to my own darkness. My own fears.

Meeting Bellamy may have been aligned in the stars, but falling this hard for him or anyone else for that matter should have been forbidden.

I was afraid to love.

I am afraid of love and all that comes with.

No matter how much I cared, how much I protected, how much I sacrificed, I was terrified. I knew that if someone died because I was too weak, then I would never be able to forgive myself.

I was also afraid of forgiveness.

At the end of the day, I know what is right and what is wrong. But the line is often blurred when my life or someone I care about is in danger.

On the Ark, I didn't sweat knowing people were dying at my hands. Not after I realized that I would have to face a fate worse than death. On earth, I tried to become better, and I did. But I couldn't change that much.

The killer is apart of me. And will always be.

But so is the soul. So is the passion. The determination.

I will not be deterred from my course.

No matter how many sleepless nights I encounter. When I need to, I will rest. When I am allowed to, that rest will not be plagued by dreams.

When that day comes, I will be more than ready.

I picked up my pencil and opened to a blank page.

I hope you're sleeping better than I am. Clearly being in this little safe haven isn't good enough. Clarke talked to you again today. Still no response. I guess Raven's still having trouble reaching the ground with all the radiation in the air. At least I hope that's the case. For Clarke's sake. I'm not too sure if she's going to keep calling you through the walkie. But, no matter how annoying, if that's her reason for waking up, then no judgement.

Clarke's finally made enough progress to where I think I can leave in the morning to go get solar panels without worrying that the girl is going to attack the recovering blonde. In fact, the girl is more likely to help Clarke walk then attack her.

But that's what my day will consist of tomorrow. Trying to Raven-it-up by fixing the hunk of metal. Wish me luck. I miss being able to be around you.

In time, Bell.
Pers

The younger me would have thrown up at the sentiment. Maybe gasped because this stuff only happens in books. But it was real. At least it was to me.