Aiyla | Uyanış Büyük Selçuklu

Chapter 120

I glanced around my chamber, checking to see if any specs of dust were occupying certain places.

The next day after the marriage happened, I had banned all the ladies guarding the corridor that led to the room. I even dismissed the ones near the door. Now that I am thinking back, that was when my paranoid self began to surface. Seferiye Hatun had tried her best to reason with me but ended up respecting my wishes.

Only Maryam was able to come in and out as she pleased. Anyone who entered my room only entered it if I was present or if Maryam was here. My mind always kept me scared enough that I thought the worst of everyone near me. At certain times, as I put my head on the pillow, my mind drifts off anxiously, making me wonder if someone meddled in my room without my awareness.

I looked at the roses I picked, waiting for me to touch them again; sitting down, I arranged them nicely.

Maryam not coming back with any news ate me up in anxiety. She had been gone for quite some time now. Getting up, I left my chamber. I was searching for Maryam's whereabouts, only to end up bumping right into her.

Maryam was before me with a bunch of roses, "I picked your favorite." She spoke up.

Nodding at her briefly after I glanced at the direction she came from, "Any news?" I examined the roses she had with her, "I already have roses that I just finished arranging, Maryam." I gestured to the flowers that occupied her hands.

"I know, but they make you happy, so I brought more to you. Also, I didn't find any news." She replied. Maryam broke into a smile, "You can never go wrong with having too many roses."

Nodding at the end at her reply before ushering her, "Let's go."

She followed me and put down the roses as soon as we made it back to the room.

Seeming worried about me, she asked me, "Is something bothering you, Aiyla Hatun?"

"Nothing is bothering me. I'm just tired."

"Maybe resting will help."

"I'm sick of resting!" I snapped at her.

Realizing the shift in my tone, I took a deep breath, closing my eyes briefly to gather my thoughts.

Maryam remained quiet. I looked around the room and then at her, "Maryam, go rest or do something. I really do not care what you do, but I just want to be alone right now. So leave."

Pain engulfed my body, I wanted to scream in pain, but I couldn't bring myself to shout. I wanted to be alone so no one could see the misery I was going through.

Maryam remained frozen in her spot as she looked at me.

"Did you not hear me?!" I shouted. My left palm began to bleed from my fingernails that were curled up. This current pain could not be described with words. It just would not make sense to someone that was not experiencing themselves.

"As you say. I'm in the palace just like you wanted. If you need anything, then let me know."

I nodded as she left.

The room felt cold, and I felt cold along with it.

The fire burning was not burning enough to warm up my cold wounds. The flames only added to the flames that were burning within me. I was not sure what would make me feel better anymore. Not even this room that had become a safe place for me made me feel safe anymore.

I felt exposed. Greatly exposed to the point that not even the clothes I was wearing helped conceal me.

I felt vulnerable. Exposed in my own room.

In the place where I sought comfort all this time, the room which witnessed my pain, fear, and tears.

The first time I stepped into it, I felt like I was meant to be in here as if it was always meant to be owned by me. Owned? Who was I kidding? Everything I thought I owned, even my beloved people, has slipped away from me in some type of form. Some by death, others by distance, while others by unexplainable reasons.

Mother.

Aslan.

Even Başulu Ana has slipped away in terms of distance. She was back in the tribe while I was here. My own best friend from childhood has been slipping away. He seems only to want to be plunged into battle after battle.

The shift in him has happened ever since he was saved earlier on. I felt the change within him when I went to his check up on him before leaving with Tapar that day. But I did not dare question Sencer about it, and I probably won't ever question him.

Among the ones I have mentioned just now, Elçin Hatun is also added to that list. She has slipped all the way back to Anatolia. Even Hazan Hatun, who has become dear to me, would be staying soon in Selemzar and not remain in Isfahan.

My eyes made their way towards where the bed was. I remembered how hurt I was on my wedding night while I sat at the edge of that very bed.

Getting up, I looked at myself in the mirror. I could not let Tapar slip away from me either... I refuse to let him go in any type of way.

Lifting my hand, I placed it on my heart gently, "I will not allow for your owner to slip away. I promise you."

I sighed as I turned to grab clothes and place them on the bed. Peeking inside the washroom, I got everything ready for myself. I never allowed any of the hatuns to assist me in anything.

Calling Maryam now, just to get everything ready for me after I basically told her to leave me alone, did not seem right.

The aroma of mixed scents flooded the bath area. My body was still wrapped in a towel as I glanced at my shoulder in the mirror to see the wound not visible anymore unless you squinted your eyes. I smiled to myself, paying attention to Hazan Hatun's skills had paid off a bit; at least I could make the same ointment and clean my own wounds. But I am far from ever being talented in that field.

The thought of me being a physician or healer is definitely impossible. I would probably harm lives instead of help in healing them.

Thinking about the ointment made me remember when my mother always wanted to show me how to mix certain herbs, but I always escaped each time, running off. I laughed at the memories as I refrained from crying. It made me realize how much time I could have spent with her, even if I was not interested in learning such things.

My mother had enjoyed collecting herbs and studying them, she made certain products, and from that, she made money to support us both. It was one of the ways she made a profit.

After my short-lived laughter, a frown took over my face at the thought of my mother.

Disappointment washed coldly over me. It has been long since I watered her grave. The more upsetting part is that I do not even know when I will have the next chance to visit her grave.

Sighing deeply, I took the moum paste and tended to my body.

Why are beautiful things so painful?

Damn it. Not even love can be beautiful without some type of pain.

I was exhaling intensely after I finished the last area.

Turning my head quickly to clean up after myself made some of the strands of my wrapped up hair fall down; inhaling the strands of my washed hair made me smile. The scent seemed to be snatching me into a different realm.

Changing into the clothes, I prepared for myself; I tried my hair quickly to the best of my capability. Running my fingers through my hair a couple of times before I braided it gave me a sense of joy, but I stopped wasting time and wrapped it up.

Moisturizing my hands and neck with delicacy as I tried to keep them as smooth as possible, but hearing a knock from the locked door, made me stop.

I dropped the small bottle and rushed to answer the door. My heart was fluttering like a butterfly as my hand reached the door.