Imagines with Niall Horan

73. Your child writes a letter

Dear baby girl in Mom's stomach,

Before you come out and totally screw up my world as I know it, I thought I'd give you some helpful hints on how to be a Horan and how to not piss your brother off. So, here are the Commandments of the Horan Family:

You are only allowed to have a dirty diaper when Mom, Dad, Gram & Gramps, or your uncles are around. I may be your big brother, but I am way too badass to change diapers. On top of that, I do not wish to see or smell the vile things that come out of your body. I've had too many experiences to know that dirty diapers and me are not best friends.

If food in the fridge is yours, label it. If there is food in the fridge that is unlabeled, ask your big brother before you eat it. See, it works like this. Being an only child for 13 years, I pretty much run this place. That means that anything in the fridge is mine unless otherwise labeled. In short, put your name on your leftovers. Otherwise, Dad or I will most likely eat it without asking. Living in this house you will soon figure out that hungry boys are not responsible for their own actions.

No one questions the Horan's badassness. There are serious consequences for anyone stupid enough to do this. You see, are inherently badass. It's in our blood. Seriously, have you seen Dad's guns? And Mom, though a Horan by marriage, is still every bit as badass, except Mom is more of a badass in speech than in appearance. Mom can kill a person with words alone. Trust me, I've seen it done. What all this means is that Horan's don't take crap. If anyone's mean to you, first you kick them where it hurts. Then, you call in your family for back-up. Mom might give you some lame lecture about how bad violence is, but at the end of the day, we all got your back and whoever messes with you won't know what hit him.

Siblings don't tell on each other. I've never had a brother or sister before, but I've learned enough about 'em from my classmates to know that we're supposed to have each other's backs. Now, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, but if I come home one Friday night at 2 am it's your duty as a good sister to not say anything to Mom and Dad. And I promise to do the same for you.

Spend a lot of time at our uncles' houses. They're also our godparents, which makes us pretty important to them. And they treat us really well. Uncle Louis will make your favorite dessert (I recommend the oatmeal chocolate chip cookies) for you whenever you want. And if you're ever arguing with Dad, go over to his house. More often than not, he'll side with you and yell at Dad about it. And going over to Uncle Zayn's house or Uncle Harry's house is just awesome. They are the ultimate spoilers and you should definitely appreciate it. And by the way, always suck up to them around all major holidays because they give the best gifts. And Uncle Liam has the best superhero collection. Ever. He'll let you borrow anything in his house.

There are double standards in the Horan household; live with it. This rule is Dad's and not mine, but I still thought you should know. Personally, I don't care when you start dating. But Dad is overprotective as hell and mostly of his women. Ask grandma about that one. So, if you want to date that's fine but be secretive, and always ask Mom first. At least then you actually have a shot of getting to go. And if Mom's on your side, you're doing pretty well because as stubborn as Dad is, Mom's even more stubborn. Even so, good luck to you on the dating thing, and I'll pray for all your dates. I don't even want to know what kind of torture Dad has planned for them.

And finally, if Mom says "no," she means it. If Dad says "no," it means maybe. This is crucial to getting your way in this house. When you ask Mom something, her answer is her answer, and unless you have an iron-clad argument you aren't going to change her mind. So, save yourself the time, effort and humiliation, and just accept it. Dad, on the other hand, is far more flexible. When negotiating with him, try to imagine what reservations he might have and come up with rebuttals to them. If you have even remotely good arguments, you'll usually win. Also, this is crucial: pout. Nothing makes Dad cave easier than seeing you sad, so use your Mom pout (which you will inherit) and your puppy dog eyes, and Dad's toast. In fact, watch Mom or me do it once and you'll see just how easy it is. How do you think I got Dad to feed me dessert before dinner? Trust me, it may not seem this way, but Mom is the tough one and Dad is the softie. If you only remember one thing from this whole note, remember that.

Sincerely,

Your Brother James

P.S. I realize you may not be able to read this, which is why I've made an audio recording that I will play for you every night. Hopefully, you will learn from my mistakes and won't have to make them yourself. Also, sorry for all the cursing. According to Mom, it's a horrible habit, but you better get used to this because Horans are notorious potty mouths.

-

A/N: Wow! I can't believe all of the views this story has gotten! It's incredibly insane & I owe you all an apology for not updating.

But fear not! I'm back and I won't go anywhere anytime soon. Thank you so much for reading!!!