Boyxboy Holiday Specials

New Year's- The Journal

                “Flying sex snakes win!” Jack cried, laughing. The others in the circle joined in the laughter.

                Callahan was surprised to find himself joining in their laughter. But then the sight of a black haired boy flashed through his mind and he instantly stopped.

                He set his cards down. “I’m going to go get something to eat,” he mumbled, standing up and hurrying away from the circle of friends playing Cards Against Humanity.

                He went into the kitchen and raked a hand through his hair. Was he allowed to laugh and have fun? Was he allowed to smile? Was he allowed to heal from what had happened?

                It had only been a few months since Nash’s death, and yet, Callahan still found himself tortured by sleepless nights and fits of terrible depression. On the rare occasion that he did fall asleep, he would wake up shortly after, crying out for Nash and covered in sweat.

                He was in college now and had made some new friends. They didn’t know what had happened. Callahan kept quiet about it. He mostly kept to himself, but was trying to make friends. He wanted to move on, but then he would feel guilty.

                “Cal?” Jack came up next to him. “Are you okay?”

                Callahan was on break right now, and his old friend Jack had invited him over for New Years. He knew about Nash. Everyone in this town seemed to know about the suicide.

                Callahan could remember when they would go to Nash’s house for New Years. It would be Nash, Callahan, Damien, and Francis. They would drink and eat and laugh and scream in excitement as the ball dropped.

                “I’m fine,” Callahan said to Jack.

                But he knew he wasn’t fine. Here he was, partying and celebrating and actually laughing. And where was Nash? Where was one of his best friends?

                Six feet underground, a decaying corpse with a bullet wound in its skull.

                “The ball is dropping in a few minutes. Want to help me pour the champagne?” Jack offered.

                “Sure,” Callahan said, moving over to the glasses with him. They began to pour champagne in silence.

                Callahan could remember how he and Damien would clank their glasses together. Nash and Francis would clank glasses. And then they would do it as a group and down their drinks.

                “Do you have any resolutions, Nash?” Francis asked.

                Nash nodded. “Yea. I’m going to be more open,” he said thoughtfully.

                Callahan hadn’t understood what Nash had meant as they brought in 2013. But now he understood painfully well.

                There was something about death that really got to a person. Just when you thought you were starting to heal, it would creep up on you in the most subtle ways. Someone would say a word, you’d come across a picture, a song would come on…little reminders that brought with them the ultimate pain in the heart.

                Callahan chewed on his lip as he poured champagne. He hadn’t wanted to celebrate anything this year. He wanted all the holidays to be over. He had dreaded Christmas, and now he just wanted the ball to drop. He wanted the New Year to come. He wanted to put as much distance between himself and 2013 as possible.

                He knew that it wouldn’t change what had happened. It wouldn’t ease the pain. It wouldn’t fix things between him and Damien. Hell, he hadn’t talked to Damien since graduation. And Francis…Francis Phillips was gone. Just a bad memory now. A boy running from his past, hiding in a state where no one knew who he was or what he had done.

                But Callahan wanted the curtain to fall on this dreadful year. He wanted time to pass. Not because time healed all wounds, but because time blurred the details.

                How many years would have to pass before he forgot what Nash had sounded like? Before he couldn’t quite picture what Nash had looked like?

                How many years would have to pass before he forgot his last words to Nash?

                “Cal? Come on. Let’s go bring the drinks out,” Jack said.

                Callahan nodded and followed him out to the living room. They passed the drinks out to everyone and Jack turned the volume on the TV up.

                His first New Years without any of his old friends. No Damien, no Francis, and certainly no Nash.

                Would Nash and Francis have shared a New Years kiss? Would Nash’s parents have shared a New Years kiss?

                Now Nash was dead, Francis was gone, and Nash’s parents were divorced. What a giant fucking mess.

                “10!” everyone started chanting.

                Nash will never watch the ball drop again. 2013 was the last year I’d ever get to spend with Nash, and I didn’t even know it. We chanted the countdown together last year and I laughed and I held my champagne and I didn’t realize that it was the last time I’d ever get to do it with the people I loved, Callahan thought. For the first time since he could remember, he did not chant the countdown.

                “3…2…1…HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

                People are him yelled and whistled and kissed and clanked glasses. Callahan clanked glasses with a few people before downing his glass.

                The world went on and time passed and Nash stayed dead. Callahan would never understand why it had to happen, and there wasn’t enough alcohol in the world to make him forget. An innocent kid was dead, his parents were crying, his friends were traumatized, and people in Times Square kissed on the screen because it was a brand new year and they believed in new beginnings and the troubles of people they would never know didn’t faze them.

                2013 was the year that one of his best friends had died. It was the year he lost a boy he had considered a twin. He had lost another good friend. His life had changed and fallen apart. He was disturbed and he was too guilty to heal.

                “Good riddance,” he mumbled, appreciating “2014” as it flashed brightly on the screen. Maybe as more years passed, as more distance between himself and the suicide went by, he could actually start to heal.

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A.N.- I want to thank you all and wish you a happy 2014. 2013 was a very hard year for me. I lost 3 people I loved, 2 of them being wildly unexpected deaths. But you were all patient with me. 2013 was a crazy year of ups and downs, between deaths, graduating high school, college, and, of coruse, my writing.

But my New Years Eve consisted of spraying my best friend with holy water while my other friend chanted an exorcising spell at him, my sister seducitely whispering "dick fingers" to me, a wendigo eating the baby, and a bunch of snapchats that I'm probably going to regret. Overall, a good start to my year :)

So I hope you'll all join me in another year of writing. Have a good year, everyone <3

~Jen