So I can't sleep. I haven't slept in I dunno, what day was it when Hannah kissed me?
I can't blame her for everything though, I kissed her back, a lot, and for a long period of time. Then I didn't tell Poppy about it, and I don't think that she told James about it because I saw them snogging on the train, and go into the bathroom together.
And that hurt, that hurt so fucking much. But it's not like I can show any emotion to anyone. I know that if I tell Louis he'll be pissed beyond belief, cause you know, James is his family too and that's just all-around fucked up. And like, sure I hate James and everything, but he's my family. And I fucked up.
God, I fucked up so bad.
I turn off my light and throw myself on my bed, looking up at my ceiling. I can faintly hear Mum and Dad in the kitchen, laughing and talking quietly amongst themselves. I can't talk to Dad about it, he'll get too awkward and he'll judge me. Not to my face of course but I know he'd judge me. Family is everything.
Mum? I could talk to Mum about it. But Mum'll tell Dad. Course Mum is easier to talk to, and if she told Dad then he might not be so disappointed in me?
I sit up in bed. One thing for sure, I've got to tell someone or else my brain is going to explode. I hear the front door open and close, and I can hear Mum humming to herself. Which means that Dad's gone down to the store to work on things. Now or never I suppose.
I pull on a black jumper and put the hood up, I dunno why but it makes me feel like I can hide from all my problems.
"Mum?" I say, walking into the living room.
Mum looks up at me, and apparently, she can read my face cause she puts the book that she was reading down. "Hey, bubba." She pats the couch cushion beside her and I sit down cross-legged and facing her so we can have a conversation.
"What's on your mind? Do I need to get Dad?" Mum asks.
"No, I don't think I want him to know this," I say quietly.
I look up from my lap at my Mums face, she nods once, "Why don't you want your dad to know?"
"He'll be disappointed in me. Judge me."
Mum nods a few more times, "Okay. What happened?"
"I uh – kissed someone I shouldn't have. Well, they kissed me, but I didn't stop them." I say all at once. I look back down at my hands, fiddling with one of the rings I wear all the time.
"So do you want me to ask questions, or do you want to just talk for a minute?" Mum moves on the couch so she's also sitting cross-legged facing me, our knees touching.
"You ask questions."
"Alright, why do you think you shouldn't have kissed this person? There are many different conversations that we could be having so I've got to understand-"
"Cause she's James' girlfriend," I say really fast.
Mum and I look at each other long and hard. "Was this before or after you started dating Poppy?"
"After."
"Have you told Poppy?"
"No."
"Has she told James?"
"Don't think so."
Mum nods slowly, processing all the information that I just sprung on her, "So she kissed you first." I nod, "And you said that you didn't stop her." I nod again. "Why do you think you didn't?"
"Cause I think I love her? We became friends when she got on the quidditch team last year and I never thought much of it, but then this year I saw her on the train and I felt all weird and kept thinking about her. Then I found out she was dating James so I tried to stop liking her and that didn't work obviously." Once I start talking I can't stop. I tell Mum about how much I don't like being in a relationship with Poppy but I'm scared of breaking up with her. And how much it hurts that I can't just be with Hannah. Things that I didn't even know I was keeping in spills out.
Mum just nods along, she doesn't say anything, doesn't interrupt, listens to every word I say. Once I finish it feels like I just ran a marathon. "And then your Dad invited her to come over for dinner." She says. Instantly we start laughing together, "shh your siblings are trying to sleep." She says after a moment.
"And then Dad invited her over for dinner, and Uncle Bill invited her to nan and pops for Christmas dinner," I say. Mum and I start giggling again and we try our hardest to keep a straight face.
"It's not funny." She says.
"It's really not," I say back to her.
"Do you know what you're going to do?" She asks.
That's the thing I love about my Mum. She doesn't tell me what to do, doesn't even really give me advice. Just lets me talk and figure it out myself. "I've got to break up with Poppy."
"Do you know how you're going to do it?"
I shrug a bit, "I guess I could ask her to come by some time and we can get some ice cream or something and talk?"
Mum nods, "That sounds like a fantastic idea. Don't make her pay though, that'll add insult to injury."
"Listen, Mum, I may kiss my cousin's girlfriend, but I don't make girls pay for things," I say.
Mum hangs her head and puts her hand on her forehead, "Cheeky bastard aren't you." I can hear the smile in her voice when she says it.
"I'm gonna head off to bed now," I say after a minute.
Mum picks up her book from the coffee table, "Feel better?"
"Yeah, thanks for listening Mumma." I peck her on the cheek and get off the couch.
"That's what I'm here to do love. Get some rest, you've got a busy fucking holiday ahead of you by the sounds of things."
Leaving the living room, I start walking down the hall back to my room. Ophelia's door creaks open and she pops her head out, "You kissed James' girlfriend!?" She whisper shouts at me.
"You're a bastard you know, mind your own fucking business," I whisper shout back at her.
"That's fucked up dude. James is your cousin! Blood-related!"
"Don't you think I fucking know that?"
"I dunno what to think right now."
"Get your fucking nose out of my business before I hex it off your face got it?"
Ophelia's eyes go wide for a moment, then they turn into small slits as she glares at me, "You can't even do magic right now dumbass."
"Who's to say I'll do it when we're home?"
And with that, I open the door to my room that's opposite the hall of Ophelia's room and shut it behind me. I make sure that it doesn't slam shut though.
I take my jumper off and toss it somewhere in my dark room. Crawling under my sheets I lie on my back and stare up at my ceiling again. My eyelids start to droop closed, like all the stress I've been holding in the past couple of months has melted away and for the first time, I can actually have a good night's sleep.