We'll be a fine line
Five Years Later
Regret.
A feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.
Regret.
A word to describe how I felt for a very long period of my life.
The one word I wished I would have never had to feel, but I did. I didn't think the feeling would ever go away.
For a long time I wished life could've been written in pencil so I could erase it all and start over.
I wished for that day after day, until one day I didn't. One day things changed, and I realized life was written the way it is for a reason. I didn't want to erase my mistakes anymore.
When I thought the feeling of regret would never go away, it started to get easier to accept. Day by day I started to realize I had made a mistake, and one that I could never take back also.
The time passed before I could start to forgive myself, but that was the first step to starting my new life. It was a long road I'd have ahead of me, and I knew that, but I was ready.
I had to create a plan to get myself to where I was today. I knew it wouldn't be easy, and I knew it wouldn't be quick, but I saved myself. I still have those feelings of regret from time to time, and especially on this day of the year.
November 3.
The day that I lost my best friends, and the day that my life forever changed. Nothing would be the same from that day on, nothing would compare to the wretched feelings that would forever haunt me.
Five years.
It's been five years since they died.
Harry and Indiana were murdered in cold blood by the ones who had tortured us for months. It wasn't fair to them that they died, they were supposed to live happily ever after.
I refused to believe it was true, nothing that bad could've happened to them. They were supposed to live forever, no one could ever hurt them. After all, they were Indiana and Harry.
Hearing the frail voice of the girl cry out that her own brother had been shot in the heart in replace of her broke me. He was still alive when she left, Indiana was taking care of him.
Everything was supposed to be okay. They promised me they'd make it out of this. Indiana was going to save Harry, and get him help. But the help she gave him was only taken in change for her life.
As the five of us sat in that car, beaten and bruised the seconds kept passing. Sirens started to sound around us, and we couldn't figure out why. We had to run before we got caught.
It was the hardest decision of our lives, but in the end Harry and Indiana had told us to run once we were free. I guess we had to listen to them one last time.
We hid. We hid away as our friends were being torn about. We tried to protect ourselves from what would happen, instead of saving them.
As we fled to the sounds of sirens beating in our hearts, we all wished for nothing more than for them to meet us back where we had started. At Indiana's apartment where we said we would all come back to eventually. Where we'd all see each other again.
They didn't though.
Indiana and Harry never came back to us.
Too much time passed as we sat there, and that's when we realized what was going on. We didn't want to admit as we sat in our silence, but eventually someone had to break down the door to tell us the news.
Hours started to tick away that night as we were too scared to accept what had happened. We were too frozen in our fear to move, we didn't need to say what had happened, we just needed someone to confirm it.
Someone did confirm it.
A knock on the door of the apartment that no longer belonged to Indiana.
It was a policeman.
I still remember the wave of panic that surfaced over me that night. Seeing him stand there, knowing he already knew too much made me scared for what would happen next. I thought he would take us too.
Someone had called the cops on the noises coming from the club. A random citizen had heard the gunshots from within, and panicked. Like a normal person would.
Everything fell apart from that moment on. They had to break the news that our best friends had been killed. Confirming what we didn't want to be true, but knew it would be.
I collapsed to the ground with cries so loud the echoes through the room. The boys had to comfort me as River broke down alongside me. A wave of pain so deep killed a part of me that night, I never knew I could feel so much pain.
They had to carry me off the ground that night with tears streaming down my face. With my world broken, I had to tear myself apart even more just to protect myself.
We had to explain everything to the police. Once I had calmed down enough and Niall had convinced them not to send me to a hospital, they gave us a deal. And we had to make a choice.
In return for immunity, we explain everything.
From Desmond to Hugo, and Jaxson to ourselves. All or nothing, and we had to decide fast.
After all of these years of running and hiding from the police, they turned from our worst enemy to our ally. We didn't have any other choice other than to say yes, we were in too deep of shit by now.
We played a gambling game, and we said yes. We had to explain everything. All from the beginning, until it led to the end. The end of our stories.
It ended with the story of Indiana and Harry's deaths. The months of abuse and stalking from Jaxson being written out in front of us as we opened our trauma to them.
We were finally free after that. That night was the most painful and freeing night of my life. The night my life forever changed, and I became a new person myself.
It was the start of a new beginning. A new orbit.
We all changed that day. Our lives changed, our mindsets were twisted, but most of all, we became a differ version of ourselves.
Our story continued to get written day by day as we trailed along for the rise we had left.
Desmond got arrested after that. He was found in some foreign country he had run to after he realized we knew the truth. The fucked went to jail and we never looked back.
I knew Harry would be happy about that.
Knowing his father was finally suffering locked up like he had been for many years would have brought him so much joy. I wish he would've been there the day we found out he was being locked up for life miles and miles away from us.
Hugo somehow made it out of this. After all, he wasn't doing anything as severe as Martin and Desmond were. I don't talk to him much, but every once in a while we check in. I knew that Indiana was like a daughter to him.
As for the boys, I think we all suffered in different ways. We all felt different, and no one's grief could compare to the others. The one thing we all felt was pain, and regret.
I don't think I had ever seen Liam like that before. He was numb. For days he shut down, not allowing himself to think about the future or any possible outcome. He was struggling.
Liam was always the strong one. I wouldn't say he 'recovered' the fastest, but Liam definitely helped us all get back up on our feet. He was the push I needed to move forward.
He's happy now. Last I heard of he had settled down in an apartment here in New York. I think he wanted to stay close to his home, but didn't want things to stay the same.
I'm pretty sure he's still single. Not that I'm surprised, or saying he needs to find a significant other, I just thought he would end up that way. I understand why though, the last girlfriend he trusted ended up being a psychopath who was in jail.
By the way, Ashley's in jail. She got caught for being tied to Jaxson, and was charged for being associated with it.
He's doing good though, although we don't talk as much anymore I know he'll always call when he's in trouble.
That's one thing that changed for us the most. It's not like we don't talk at all, but things have changed. We all started to go down our own paths in our lives. If one of us was in trouble though, we didn't dare hesitate to go help them.
Even if we were thousands of miles away, we'd be on the next plane we could find. Before you know it we'd be by each other's side helping with whatever was wrong.
I miss the boys, I'm not going to lie and say I don't. Things are different now, we went our own directions but we'll always be grounded to each other.
The band clearly didn't go past what it had lived in those few years. We could have never carried on without Harry, that would have killed us if we tried. After all, we were free from the mafia bullshit, so we made our own choices.
One of the hard things about that whole situation was that the public had found out. It was a big coverup situation, but it still hurt. There was no way to lie and say Harry hadn't been killed, so the story lived on as a case of stalking and homicide.
Fans were upset clearly, but their support truly meant the world. Things felt normal for once with them. I don't know what to say about them, but they truly cared and it didn't feel like a lie to them anymore.
We would miss them, and touring the world. Just the same as they would miss us. We all knew it was for the better though, we had some great times but it was time to be over.
Through it all, we still somehow manage to stay closer than ever.
I'd say Niall and Louis stayed the closest if I'm pointing fingers. They actually moved in together about a year or so after things had happened. I'm not quite sure if they still live together, but I wouldn't put it past them.
Niall had a great idea of moving back to London. It was far, but he said that's where he felt at home. He couldn't stay in New York, it brought him too many haunting memories, and I couldn't agree more.
He was messed up in the head after everything, but who wasn't. I think he felt as if his whole life had been a lie and he needed to start over brand new. That's where he got the idea to move away.
I was sad at first, I wouldn't deny it. Niall really was that person who helped lighten the world, and after months of him being numb to the world, it was so nice to see his smile again. I was heartbroken that he would be moving across the world.
Truly, it was for the best. It really helped him mentally, and I couldn't have been happier. Seeing him live his best life traveling the world these last few years has brought me so much joy.
The thing that did shock me a bit was when Louis asked to join him. I think that nearly sent me over the edge, and I had to take a few days to process that one.
Dear lord did Louis help me through some of the darkest times. Him and I had always had such a different relationship, it wasn't better than the others or anything like that, it was just different. He always understands me so well in a sense.
The amount of weed we smoked in those few weeks after everything had happened was too much to even keep count of. It was never the same though. Anytime we smoked together, it felt like we were missing a piece.
The missing piece was Indiana.
Every time it felt wrong to be there without her. High flyer hours would never live on without her by our sides.
Boy, do I miss her high giggles.
It was teeny and big till the end.
Them dying changed Louis in a way I never would've thought it could. He became someone I looked up to. He wanted to change the world for the better, and I admired that.
He wanted to escape from life for a bit, and think about what he could do to make the world a better place. So that's why he wanted to go with Niall. He thought London would be a good place to clear his head, and I agreed.
They travelled for a while around the world, seeing it as normal human beings and not some monster made from a scratch tube. I was so happy to see them doing that, they inspired me to get better.
After seeing all the boys live their best lives, it made me want to change. I didn't want to suffer anymore, I wanted to be better.
I wanted to live. I wanted to live for Indiana and Harry because they didn't have the chance.
After months of pain, I finally decided to give my life a chance. I couldn't suffer anymore, I realized Indiana and Harry wouldn't have wanted that for me. They were probably rolling in their graves pissed off about how much I was killing myself.
Speaking of graves, their funeral must have been the hardest moment of my life.
It was small, just what they would have wanted. We also didn't bury them in New York, they wouldn't have wanted to be stuck in their own hell there.
So, we buried them in Hawaii. I don't even think it counts as a funeral really, but it meant enough to us. It was just the boys and I, along with Hugo and River. It felt wrong to exclude Hugo from it, but it was also awkward to be there with him.
We wanted them to be settled in a place that they felt the most peace at. The only place I could think of that would come close to that was Hawaii. It was where it all started after all. I knew about all their memories there.
I knew they would have wanted to be somewhere that held a good meaning for them, so we decided on here in Hawaii. We knew they'd feel at peace under the stars and with the ocean.
Which speaking of here in Hawaii, I also live here. That was kind of my next step after my long months of struggles. I wanted to start over somewhere too.
My story is a little bit confusing, but it all started with a girl. A girl who saved me from a long dark road, and changed my life forever.
River.
That wasn't something I really planned, but when you and one other person were with each other at the worst of times you kind of find them. We related to each other in ways none of the boys could ever understand, so I guess you could say it was fate.
Once I had decided to start with my life, I slowly started to open up. River was kind of the person I started to go to when in need. She understood what it was like being in that room that night.
She knew what it felt to leave them at their death beds.
I started going to therapy, it was one of the hardest steps I took, but I needed to do it. One step forward always felt like three steps back, but I was still making progress.
Therapy helped me. I clearly couldn't just open up on the spot and tell my therapist my whole life story that day. It took time, but it helped.
It still wasn't enough. My therapist could never relate to what I went through, and she knew that. She told me the best thing I could do was try and open up to someone who understood what I was going through.
That person ended up being River.
Fate is an odd way to put it, but I started to believe in it. After all of this time, River was my fate.
She struggled, and I struggled severely. We both helped lifting each other up into a better state of mind.
That state of mind may have ended up being in love...
Harry would have my ass for falling in love with his sister.
I know he would, he would probably murder me in cold blood for falling for his little sister. He wasn't here though, and that was always the hardest part about our love story.
We knew he was in the stars watching as we fell madly in love. He was possibly even cursing at us, but all we cared about was that he was watching.
It all started about four years ago. Around a year after Indiana and Harry had died, I finally felt like I was at a somewhat stable point in my life.
The boys all started to do their own things, finally living free. I started to feel more and more alone and only had one person left to call at night.
We had talked over that first year, late night calls becoming our thing. Sleep was a struggle for us at the beginning, and we both felt too bad to ask one of the boys.
Calls soon became asking to hangout, and then soon enough I realized I had caught feelings for her. I tried to deny them at first, one I knew Harry would probably haunt me for life, and two Niall had always had a little fling with River.
That was short lived with that week we had, but I still felt so wrong about it. I was quick to realize that it wasn't anyone else, it was my fault I felt this way.
I was scared. I was scared to love, and scared to find happiness.
I think a little piece of me thought I should have to suffer alone. I didn't deserve to be happy after I took that away from Indiana and Harry.
River changed that mindset for me.
Things happened kind of fast from there. We started to date or whatever you wanted to call that, but we always knew there was more. There was always a part of us tied to each other forever.
After about six months of being together and living in our own dark worlds, we decided we needed a change. I asked her to move to Hawaii with me.
It wasn't much of a problem trying to convince her, she was on board the second I brought it up. We both wanted a new start, and to be closer to Indiana and Harry. Not to mention who wouldn't want to live in Hawaii?
We fell madly in love as we wrote our new chapter in our life. That year actually felt much better than the one before.
I told her I loved her as we sat on the beach one night, reminiscing on all the old memories of our past.
The stars were out that night, scattering the night sky against the ocean. There were two that stood out, right new to each other and brighter than the rest of them.
It was Indiana and Harry.
That's how I knew it was right, and I admitted the feelings I was so scared to say.
She told me she loved me too.
By the end of that year, I asked her to marry me. I know how crazy it sounds, and I got dragged by the boys for it, but it felt right. I didn't want to waste any time that could be taken from us in some sick twisted way.
We were madly in love with no way out and no time to waste.
That was the best night of my life, our wedding. It was elegant and small, but so perfect for us.
She wore the most stunning and fitting dress I had ever seen in my life. It was so simple but so perfectly complimenting to her beauty.
Her hair was much longer than what it was. The dark long waves trailing down her back with a simple curl to it. No extra makeup or anything like that.
Just River.
The white dress hugged the curves of her body, a trail following the mermaid design. A low cut that exposed the tan skin of her back. It wasn't super sparkly or anything like that, it only had one simple design patterned on it.
Roses were laced into the fabric of the beautiful dress. Trailing along like the effect compliments the dress. The simplicity stands out but not out showing her.
I stood across from her wearing a simple light dusty pink suit, the tattoos on my hands exposed. It was simple and matched whatever theme we had come up with, but had one thing standing out on it.
A rose pinned towards the next of the jacket.
Roses for our new beginning.
The boys sat in the small crowd, supporting us through every step of the way. River's parents were more than accepting of me, knowing everything we had been through.
It was outdoors, the beautiful breeze from the ocean against our skin the entire night. Everything felt perfect from the beginning to the end. Just missing a few extra touches.
One of the most special parts of that night was having two seats reserved at any place we sat. For Indiana and Harry, they were there every step of the way.
Not to put aside the fact I was marrying the love of my life, it was just so important to have my two best friends with me by my side.
River loved the idea, and I think it may have meant the world to her too. Seeing her face lit up like it made my world.
We had them by our side through the ceremony in their own seats. During our reception they were amongst the stars looking down on us.
That night was tough though, I must admit it. For many reasons too. From the overwhelming emotions to how fucking hot River looked.
It was a long night, but it was one for the books.
As I pull into the driveway of the house we share on the beautiful island, I start to get stuck in my head with fond memories.
Today was always a hard day, anniversaries of death are the worst. Five years is far too long since I've seen their beautiful faces, and heard their voices.
I can't even begin to fathom that it's been that long.
As I looked up at the house we owned, a wave of sadness came over me. They never got to see the purchase of this home, we didn't get to pester them into helping us.
They never got to see it.
It's a beautiful home. Bigger than the small apartment we had first shared. It was an expensive home, but it wasn't like we didn't have the money.
Once we were out of this mess, we sat on way too large of a pile of money. It was a complicated story, but we had way too much of it to put to waste.
Harry and Indiana's wills were both directed to the five of us. The boys, me, and River. Between them, there was already a lot of money.
Niall ended up with Martin's shares of the mess. When Indiana killed him, the money went to him. It wasn't quite as much, but it was still a gross amount and he didn't want it.
Where it started to get complicated was with Desmond. When he went to jail, he lost all of his money. He clearly had way too much illegal money, and some of it was taken back but we were still left with hundreds of millions.
He had always said if he ever got caught the money would be given to someone else. We could never understand why, but it now makes sense that he would rather have someone start over then his danger be on pause.
The mess was supposed to live on forever.
Sick fuck.
That money was supposed to go to Harry, to carry on his legacy.
Long story short, Harry died.
The money couldn't go to him, so it had to go to the next closest thing. River is technically still related to them, so she ended up with the money.
She was against the idea of having it for so long, until she decided to put it to a better use. A better use that now gives people resources whenever they need it.
Her and Niall came up with an idea. One that was so perfect to carry on Indiana and Harry's legacy. It was exactly what they would have wanted with their money.
Star Starters.
A resource center for young kids who have struggles with trauma or abuse in the past.
Defense classes are taught for free to them, and whenever they need it, someone will be at their side to help them.
If someone needs someone to talk to, there will always be a therapist available. Even if it's as simple as schoolwork, we will be there for them.
We want to give them a new start.
It's so we can teach them and prepare them for the things we had to deal with. So these kids would never have to go through what we would.
They wouldn't be up in the stars, they would shine as their own.
The first one was opened in Hawaii by River and we quickly realized how helpful it was to these kids. We helped out daily, the boys giving it their all and wanting to support our dreams.
Niall grew so fond of the idea that he wanted to use his fathers shares to start another Star Starters on the other side of the world.
Him and Louis manage the one in London. The two of them gave it their all like it was their own second home.
Liam helps with one in New York. We were surprised when he asked if he could launch another one, but we couldn't say no.
The more kids we could help, the better. As hard as it is we try our best, and this is what we spend our own time doing.
We pour our hearts into helping these kids, wanting to save them and get them out of messes we were stuck in ourselves.
There was a small oath between us that we swore we would never let those kids get to where we were in life.
So, anytime they need us, we are there.
Except for one day of the year.
Today.
We use this as the one day of the year to gather ourselves and save it for each other. It's the one time of the year we guarantee the five of us will be together.
It's a sentimental moment and day, but at the same time having the comfort of the boys means the world. This isn't easy for any of us, so being together only means we get to lift each other up.
So as I come home from doing something so special to me, I know I'll get to see the boys on the other side. I know they'll be there for me when I start to shut down.
What I did today wasn't easy. It was something I had wanted to do for so long, but I never felt the time was right. Today was the day I decided to do it though.
I got a tattoo.
Not anything that blended in with the scattered ink on my skin. It was one that stood out so bright against the others.
The words meant the world to me, and I wanted nothing more than to hear them come from that one person just once more.
I take in a deep breath of air as I open my car door. Having me time meant the world, but I needed to be by my people right now.
Lonely was a way to describe how I felt the entirety of my drive home. I was missing the people I loved most, and was too stuck in the moments I'd never get back.
I needed to go back to the ones I had left and cherish them as much as I could.
Brushing away the feelings of sadness, I smile as I look up at my house in front of me. It was such an accomplishment to be able to look at it and know what I've been able to overcome.
I bought a damn house with my wife and I live in it.
The sound of voices chattering instantly fills my ears as I open the front door. Hearing it makes me feel so settled, for once everyone was safe and the giggles and screams were of happiness. Not fear or danger.
I take my time as I take off my shoes, not daring to let my eyes linger on the bandage that covers my tattoo. I don't want to take it off to look yet, I need to wait to be with everyone to do that.
No one hears me over their laughs as I walk further into the house. I can hear everyone joking around as I start to near where they are in my living room, my smile brightening with each step.
As I stand in the doorway for a few moments, I admire them all. They don't know I'm there, so I appreciate how happy and free they all look.
Their laughs are contagious as I watch them run around. My smile is so bright as I try to stay hidden, but it doesn't last long before I'm caught.
"Dada!"
Oops.
That may have also happened over the last five years.
I'm a dad.
"Come here, dovie!" I called her by the nickname I had grown so fond of. I watched her sprint from Niall's arms hitting my chest with a thud making me stumble back.
The warmth of the small body against my chest brings me back to my center. I forget about the bad, and embrace what has given me a million reasons to live.
My daughter.
She saved me from myself and made me the best person I could ever be. My little dovie set me free as if I was a dove myself, floating in my own orbit.
"Lyra, you're gonna hurt him!" River chuckled as she sat on the coach, watching me get tackled to the ground by our daughter.
Lyra Harriet Malik.
Her name being the brightest meaning the world, and carrying on the legacy of two of the greatest people ever.
Lyra is a star constellation that lies in the northern sky. It represents the lyre, a musical instrument with strings used in antiquity and later times.
The Lyra constellation is home to the second brightest star in the northern hemisphere. Vega, the most prominent star.
Our dear Indiana Vega Sommers.
Her star story lives just as bright in our daughter as it does the five of us.
The funny thing is that Harry probably would've had us for making our daughters middle name Harriet. He used to despise the name, but that's what made it better for us.
We loved it as soon as we heard it. We knew it was perfect for our little star baby.
"I sorry," She pouted at her mom, always listening to her the second she said something.
Lyra was a total sweetheart. The perfect mix of both of us, creating a tiny little human we wouldn't want more in our world.
"You're getting so strong!" Liam awed as she crawled on top of my chest. "Who taught you how to do that?"
I watched as Lyra perched herself on my chest, now having me knocked down on my back. She was always such an adventurous person with so much energy, she definitely got that from River.
"Hmm..." She paused for a second, trying to think of the right word to say. She truly did try her hardest with her words. "My daddy!"
Lyra is so smart. Smart like her mom, and smart like her dad.
Everyday she never fails to captivate me. Fatherhood was one of the scariest things to be, but I've never been so grateful for something in my life.
"Damn straight." I chuckled as she poked my chest. She was such a daddy's girl, but River loved to pretend she wasn't.
"Language!" River warned, narrowing her eyes in on me which made me laugh.
Sometimes I question my parenting when I watch Riv. I feel like she knows everything, and there's nothing she could do that was better.
"Language!" Lyra mocked, furrowing her eyebrows just like her mother as she said it. It made us all burst out laughing.
She had just turned three not too long ago, and was learning more and more everyday. She never failed to surprise us with her new facts or things she's learned.
Lyra made our worlds.
The day I found out River was pregnant had to be one of the best days of my life. I was so scared and unprepared, but something deep down told me the entire time that everyone would be fine.
We would be a fine line.
At the time, she was only about four months pregnant. We had only gotten married two months ago, but the timing felt so right. I was twenty four, and felt so young but couldn't wait to start this journey.
We started that new journey together, taking it one day as a time as we climbed the mountain. This obstacle being the most rewarding one.
It led to our star baby being born and welcomed to our orbit.
Our dovie.
"Your dad has a potty mouth, Lyr." Niall exaggerated, nodding his head in the direction of me. Niall always seemed to have an amazing bond with Lyra.
"I know," She piped up, loving all the attention she's getting with the boys here. "Mommy says not to listen to him."
Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see River flash a cocky smile at me. I shook my head at her as she chuckled at our daughter's words.
Those two always loved to team up on me. Lyra and I get back at her just as much though, we have a few tricks up our sleeves.
"Enough picking on me," I rolled my eyes, sitting up to prop myself on my elbows as Lyra crawled off of me. "We have places to be."
I know I broke the mood with that one, but it was time. We knew what had to be done, but this time we actually wanted to go do it.
We wanted to see Indiana and Harry.
"You were the one that was taking forever to get back." Louis nodded at me, starting to bicker just like we always had. These were the moments I longed for.
"I was doing something." I shrugged my shoulders with a dry response, watching Lyra run around to show her toys to everyone.
Just as Louis went to speak again, probably making some stupid remark that I'd enjoy, Lyra nudged him with one of her toys making him focus on her. Every time I watched the boys play with her it made me so happy.
They treated her as their own, like the missing piece to our own worlds.
"Well, you're back now and that's all that matters." River smiled, patting her thighs before she stood up from the couch. "Are you ready now?"
"Yep," I nodded slowly, feeling kind of sad how normal this had become for us. "Did you get any flowers?"
I guess flowers have sort of become our tradition. That and one other thing, but no one else knows about the other thing.
Sometimes I feel bad about it, but then I remember how person it was to both Indiana and Harry, and then me. It was something so special between us, that I kept forever by my side.
"Of course I did..." She smiled at me before helping me off the ground with a reach from her hand. "Is everyone ready to go?"
River turned to look at the three boys who were scattered amongst our living room, watching them with adoration in her eyes. I knew in moments like these, she appreciated them so much.
When things went to shit, she was so scared of not being accepted by then. She thought she would be blamed for what happened, or they'd dislike her for lying to Harry.
The truth is, they loved her. They loved her and they always will. She will forever be a part of our group, no matter what.
River made an impact on our lives.
"Yep." Liam replied a bit quieter, a sense of sadness waving over the room. You could feel the mood instantly change.
Niall and Louis both gave short head nods to agree to Liam's reply. Right as I was about to reply too, something had stopped me.
There was something I needed to do before I could go see Indiana and Harry. I needed to gather myself before I could show them what I had done.
I needed to relive a few moments with them.
"Can I uh... can I go do something real quick before we go?" I spoke up, my voice wavering a bit because I knew they understood what I was doing. "You guys can start getting ready."
"Yeah, that's totally fine." River replied sweetly looking up at me to give me a smile. A sense of reassurance was in her voice.
Her arm had wrapped around my waist as we talked to the boys, now feeling her skin against me. She had a small smile on her voice as she squeezed me slightly.
The boys didn't need to say anything, they all knew what I was doing. I knew they understood, and they knew they didn't have to say anything back. It was a silent understanding between us.
"Daddy, where are you going?" Lyra chipped up as she saw me start to walk out of the room, making me stop in my tracks.
"I'll be right back," I smiled, bending down to meet her level. I brushed back some of the dark hair that had started to fly in front of her face. "You just go get your shoes on."
She pouted at me as I spoke, not wanting me to leave. Lyra tended to get like that, she hated being alone. We also didn't like to leave her much either. It was like we always had a fear creeping behind us.
"Okay," Lyra frowned before her face lit up into a bright smile. "I love you!"
I love you.
Something we had taught each other to say as much as we could, because we didn't know how many times we would have left to say it.
Lyra caught onto it very fast, and for a very long time she struggled with enunciating the L in love. It was more like 'I wove you', but it still meant the world to us.
I would love to hear it on repeat for the rest of my life if I could.
"I love you too." I gave her a bright smile before pinching her sides. It caused her to squeal and run away to find her shoes, but it made me laugh.
I watched as Lyra ran off into the other room, River following behind her. It left me and the boys as I stood up slowly with a sigh.
My legs felt so weak, as I stood. I definitely was nowhere near as in shape as I was five years ago. But I'm twenty seven now, so I have some weak knees.
"I'll be back." I sighed, fixing the shirt I had on as I spoke to the boys. I turned before they had a chance to respond and found myself walking through the house.
I moved towards the staircase that led upstairs, the house being bigger than what we could ever need. It was such a perfect home though, the simple modernness with our touch to it fit us perfectly.
The white marble staircase that led me upstairs felt cool against my feet as I slowly walked up it. Everything felt so surreal and so emotional all at the same time.
As I walked to one of the farther rooms at the end of the hall, a wave of butterflies lined my stomach. I knew exactly which room I was going to, one I didn't go into often.
Different doors lined the hallway, a variety of bedrooms and bathrooms, or whatever River decided to put in that room. I let her do most of the designing because quite frankly, I'm awful at it.
She did it all except for one room. A simple office space I kept for myself. One room that I rarely went into, but held some of my most personal belongings in it.
My feet took the last few steps before I hesitantly stopped in front of the doorway. A chill went down my spine as I reached for the door handle. It felt like it had been forever since I had been in here.
I used to spend most of my days looking and cherishing the items in here, but as the months passed it became less and less. Instead of trying to relive those memories, I started to make new ones.
Hearing the creak of the door open nearly made me cry on the spot. It felt so empty and dark in here, but yet the bright sunlight from the window was shining through.
I picked this room because it had a full wall that was windows. I left it that way with no blinds because I wanted the stars to shine through at night. Indiana and Harry's memories deserved to live under the stars.
My feet carried me to the place where I knew exactly what I was looking for was placed. As I saw it perched on the shelf right in front of me, it took everything in me not to cry.
Even though it's only just a small box, it means so much to me.
A memory box if you want to put it that way.
A box full of memories with the people I missed so much in my life and would do anything to have them back.
I reached for the small black box, my fingertips shaking as I did so. I always got so nervous and fidgety when I opened it, yet it brought me a sense of peace.
My heart longed to relive the memories as I carried it to the center of the room. I found myself sitting down on the ground, crisscrossed on the fluffy rug. The item placed in front of me as I stared at it.
Every now and then, I opened the small box of items I had collected between them. It happened most on days like today, where I felt down and missed them, but most importantly on the anniversary.
Opening it always was the hardest part. I knew I'd be hit with the pain of their missing presence, it happened every time. I always had to push myself to keep going.
I knew I couldn't just leave these items untouched. I couldn't have Indiana and Harry thinking I forgot about them.
If I did they'd probably gang up on me and beat me up at the gates of hell.
I hope they aren't in hell.
As I opened the frail lid of the box, I could already feel the tears build at the dam of my eyes. Every time it felt like a dagger to the heart and another reminder they wouldn't be here to see the adventures of life.
It took me a few moments to gather my thoughts before I could allow myself to look farther. Each item was a sting to my skin, and and ache to my soul. Each item showed how much more they had ahead for them.
Only if it hasn't been taken at our disposal.
My shaking hands reached for the different items scattered in here, not knowing what to simmer on first. The touch of my fingers against the cool material of something I recognized instantly brought a smile to my face.
Harry's lighter.
The beautiful white encasing with the three simple butterflies printed on them. A deeper meaning that I could never understand, but memories that lasted forever through them.
"Welcome to the room," I smiled cheekily, trying to make her feel as welcome as possible. "Dig in."
A small smile flickers across my face as I relive the moment again. When we all smoked together that one morning in the hotel, the first of many great moments.
I remember how nervous Indiana was, scared that she'd get caught for sneaking on the wrong bus. Little did she know she'd stay on that bus a lot longer than just one day.
"White lighters are bad, you know?" She chuckled softly, nodding her head in the direction of Harry's lighter. Her words made a blush creep across his face.
I could hear her voice in the back of my mind, like she was actually here. That was the first morning I had noticed something between them. I could hear it in the softness of their voices as their cheeks flushed with a light pink.
They truly loved each other unlike anyone I had ever seen before. They would go to the ends of the earth just to make the other happy, to save them from themselves.
And that's exactly what they did.
Before I get too lost in the high of reliving the memory, I quickly set down the lighter. There's too many fond memories in here to settle on just one.
The next thing my hands reach for, is something that's too familiar to me. Something I saw worn way too many times, and something that brought up the best of questions.
Harry's classic black sunglasses.
Boy, did he love those things.
"Why does Harry always wear those weird black sunglasses?" Indiana asked out of the blue, making me turn my head to her with confusion on my face.
There were too many answers to this question.
For starters, he thinks he's like super cool or some shit. But then we have other reasons.
Ones that I think Indiana will understand a bit more.
"To cover up that he's as high as a kite." I deadpanned, not being able to hold it in before I bursted out laughing.
Her eyes widened for a split second in panic which only made me laugh harder. It was a look on her face I wanted to capture forever.
I smiled as I pictured her reaction again. Those conversations feeling so far away, but so fond at the same time
She thought I was crazy at first, but then it hit her. I was right all along.
Harry stopped wearing them though. As the months started to pass, he wore them less and less. He didn't think we noticed it, but we did.
He only wore them when he needed to.
It was because he was sober. Indiana had given him a reason to become sober. He was clean when he died, just high on life itself.
Sadness wavers over me, and I know that's my sign to put it down. The thought of Harry being where he wanted to in his life when he died made me want to break into a million pieces.
He was sober, he had found love, he had self appreciation.
But most of all, he was happy.
Setting it down, I feel hurt at the missing piece of Harry not here, but satisfactory about how well he felt when he passed away.
There was no other place in life Harry would've been when he died then there. Something deep down told me he was so settled and at peace when he died.
In the end, they died in each other's arms.
What my hand reaches for next is the one object I doubted bringing with us. It felt wrong to have it here, but at the same time it felt like it needed to be here.
Indiana's knife.
The one she had brought with her that night was now in my hands. Cleaned from the mess it had made, it was like it was brand new. It wasn't though, it has so many terrors laced in its history.
So many different moments, but one I'd never forget.
"Harry doesn't like knives," I nodded in the direction of Indianas hands as she held the small weapon between her fingers.
I've been watching her the last few minutes just twirling it around with no care in the world. The way she throws it up in the air, not bothering to make sure it doesn't slice a finger off terrifies me.
Harry would have a heart attack. Literally.
"I know." She shrugged like it was the simplest thing in the world to know. It wasn't though, and I don't think she realizes that.
Harry doesn't just tell anyone about that.
"You do?" I asked, trying not to sound as shocked as I was on the inside. Truly I don't think I have been this taken back before.
"Of course I know..." Indiana teased with that cocky smile she had flashed so many times. Except this time as she waved the engraved knife up in front of me it felt different.
"I know everything."
Indiana truly did know everything.
If there was ever a question, she had an answer to it. She was so determined to make the best of her world, and help the people around her.
The engraved sketches of the doves at the base of the knife represented her life.
She fought so hard to be free like a dove, yet there was always a dagger stabbing her straight to the heart. Indiana never could've had a perfect life, not until she had died.
I miss her, I miss her so fucking much.
There isn't anything more that I would want then to have late night talks on the floor of a bathroom. Or to stand on the top of a building like it was our last time making memories, except it wouldn't be the last time.
We would never have a last time. There would be endless high flyer hours, and endless memories to be made. Our story together would never end.
But all good things must come to an end eventually.
A tear rolls down my eye from this one, it hurts too bad to look at this item. This weapon, the weapon that did the damage to her.
I missed them so fucking much.
My hands reach for the last item I had saved in here, more hesitant than I ever had in my life. I feel tears start to roll down my cheeks as I grab it between my fingers.
The item itself stood out amongst the others, because it didn't fit for them. One other thing paired with it falls to the floor on the carpet making my sight so blurry from the tears.
It was all yellow.
The simple pale yellow Polaroid camera that shared so many memories. Indiana and Harry's life lay behind the three simple images we have saved from here.
Who knows if there was more, they may have taken them and have them hidden somewhere. But what I appreciate is the ones I've been able to see, and the ones I get to keep of their memory.
My fingers brush over the pale yellow shiny material, feeling a chill go down my spine. It was in moments like these when I could feel them by my side. Like a moment to let me know it was okay.
The memories are in the two pictures I hold in my hand, and I let my eyes linger on them. As I look at them for too long, I realize something.
Sometimes people can just become memories, but other people become a part of your life.
Indiana and Harry would never be just a memory to me, they would forever be a part of my soul.
The two pictures in front of me become so blurry that I can barely see them anymore. Tears are probably falling down onto them, but I can control it anymore.
I look at the bright smile on Harry's face as he sticks his tongue out at the camera. I had never seen a picture of him where he looked this happy before.
There's lots of pictures of him that surface around the world, but nothing would come close to this. Something about this one was so special, and it held a place so close to my heart.
Harry was happy in this picture.
Something I had wanted him to feel for so long.
The one of Indiana glows so bright in the darkness. It was an image only to be seen by a lucky few, and I've never been more happy to be one of those people.
Her features are so simple as she looks scared for her life in the image, but at the same time she's never looked so free. This one singular image right in front of me shows how much she's overcome.
Indiana shows me the strength that I longed to have in life.
She taught me to keep pushing, even through the darkness of the night.
"Dada..." I heard the chipper voice from down the hall instantly making me sit up straight with a deep sniffle.
As soon as I manage to put all the items back in their place, making sure they're in a safe spot I see the little figure come into the room.
Her struts were large like she was in charge of everything, but she instantly stopped in her tracks when she realized I was sad. She always seemed to notice when I was off from my normal mood.
"What's wrong?" Lyra asked with a pout, rushing over to stand near me. Her little body was so small that it matched my height as I sat on the ground.
I appreciate her so so much, I don't know what I would do without my little girl.
"Daddy's just a little sad right now," I whispered quietly, sniffling as I nodded my head. I nearly started crying again when Lyra reached one of her small hands out to wipe away the tears under my eyes.
"Why you sad?" She asked, smooshing my face between her hands. Lyra had always been one to communicate through physical touch, like it was her comfort.
We had never gotten to the point on how to explain these things to Lyra. Now that she was getting older, we had no idea what we were supposed to do. Our parenting stories were a little bit different than most people.
It wasn't easy what we were going to have to explain. We weren't just going to say her father was part of the mafia, and her mother had lied about who she was for most of her life.
Our stories weren't simple.
"I just... I uh miss my friends," I decided to respond after a few moments of silence so I could think. "It's okay though, daddy will be okay."
"Where did your friends go?" She asked, just as quietly as I had been speaking. Her words were filled with so much confusion.
It wasn't easy to explain this. I didn't know what to say, I could terrorize the three year old and say her aunt and uncle were brutally murdered.
God I'm still so fucked in the head sometimes.
"They uh... they went away," I stuttered, trying to come up with something to say. "Mommy misses them too, and all your uncles."
Uncles.
That's what all the boys are to her. Even if it wasn't blood, they always would be there for her when she needed it.
"What are their names?" Lyra asked, peering up at me with wide eyes full of so many different questions.
I wish I could just tell her everything about them.
All I want is for her to have had the chance to know them.
"Indiana and Harry," I smiled at the mention of their names, finally feeling so happy to be able to tell her about them. "That's their names."
Two names that have a million legacies behind it.
A whole orbit of stars filled with their love as they shine bright in the sky.
"When do I get to meet them?" Her hands were now playing with my hair as she spoke, but I quickly stopped then as a frown fell over my face.
"Come sit..." I said, pulling her to sit in my lap. With her tiny body perched in my lap, her back against me. "You won't get to meet them, but they- they left you something very important."
The words were so hard to push out. They hurt more than anything in the world, and it sucked to explain to my own child she wouldn't get to meet the people I longed for her to.
I never thought I would be in this situation, but here I am. Struggling to find words to speak, nothing would ever be the right thing to say.
No words could ever replace their missing pieces from our lives.
"What'd they give me!" She started to bounce around in my lap, at the thought of a gift. Lyra expected something fun and exciting, but what was left for her was irreplaceable.
I slowly reached out to grab her hand so I could show what was most important to us. It was something that River thought of and I couldn't have agreed more.
"When you were born, they left this for you..." I reached out to pull at the little chain around her wrist as I spoke. "It was very important to them and mommy. They wanted you to have it."
The ring.
Not just any ring, the ring that changed it all for us.
It was now on a chain and worn around our daughters wrist at all times. A place so special to all of us, and somewhere so perfect that we could never replace it.
When we had gotten the ring back, we didn't know what to do. We couldn't just get rid of it, but it felt so wrong for either of us to wear.
River asked if it was okay for Lyra to wear, and I couldn't have agreed more.
It was perfect.
"My bracelet!" She squealed in realization of what they had left behind for her. I don't think she had ever really connected it before, but she did now.
"Yeah," I nodded slowly with a small smile on my face seeing her so happy. "They gave you your bracelet."
It made my world to see her happy with such a simple object. To see her appreciate what they couldn't see.
"I need to thank them for it!" Lyra gasped at the realization, jumping up to her feet and out of my lap where she had been sitting.
Nothing broke me more than hearing her say that. She deserved to be able to thank them. Lyra should've met them, and it shouldn't have to be under this circumstance.
She was still going to go see them, even if it was a little different, we would make it work. All of us together would go see them as if they were still here with us.
I stood to my feet, brushing away the feeling of sadness as I stood up. The tears now long gone, and only filled with happiness and smiled as I looked down at Lyra.
Hesitantly, I reached for her hand wanting to give her a reassuring squeeze. Her comfort was what I needed too to keep getting through today. I just hoped she would appreciate what I had to say.
"Let's go see Indiana and Harry, little dovie."
***
"I can't believe it's been five years." Niall sighed like it was unbelievable as our feet shuffled against the grass.
It was unbelievable, that's the problem.
"There's no way it's been this long." Louis shook his head as we got closer and closer to the spot we knew they were buried.
After I had a small mental breakdown with Lyra, she finally gave me the strength to get up and keep moving. She helped me keep pushing to get here.
So now we were in the cemetery. All six of us, maybe not the place for a three year old to be, but we wanted her to be there with us.
Taking the few short steps to be exactly where they laid was heartbreaking. Each short stride was just a reminder they weren't here.
They were quite literally six feet under.
"Boy, do I miss them." Liam let out a puff of air as we stood right in front of their gravestones, reading the names written on them in bold letters.
"Me too."
All of us managed to agree in sync somehow, making this feel even weirder. It felt so off to be standing next to each other looking down at a stone, instead of up at their presence.
I don't think any of us would ever get used to the fact that they truly were gone forever.
We refused to believe it, even to this day. Even five years later.
"Where are they?" Lyra asked, peering over her mother's shoulder where she was placed against her hip.
The whole car ride here she couldn't stop blabbering about how excited she was to see them. We couldn't just break it to her like that.
She's just a child.
"They aren't coming, baby." River replied quietly, tucking some of Lyra's dark hair back behind her ear.
"Why not?" She pouted, her eyebrows furrowing as she tried to figure out what we were saying. Lyra was always so observant about everything.
I could tell River didn't know what to say. She nervously glanced over at me, and she didn't even need to tell me. I already knew how she felt deep down.
It's the same way I feel.
"They don't- uh they don't live up here." I decided to say, trying to come up with the right words to speak. But in reality, nothing would ever be the perfect excuse.
"But- but where are they?" Lyra asked, fumbling with her words which started to make me feel awful about trying to bring her here.
Maybe it was an awful idea?
I'm starting to regret it. I feel like absolute shit now for bringing my goddamn three year old to a cemetery. Not just any cemetery, the one where her aunt and uncle lay dead.
"They live in a super cool underground mansion," Niall awed, deciding to speak up instead of us. "No one else can go down there or else their secret will be exposed."
What is he doing?
"What's their secwet?" She gasped, totally in awe of what Niall was saying and not confused at us anymore.
Whatever Niall is doing, it's working.
"Come here..." He pointed at her with a come here motion, making River step closer to them before he leaned down to whisper. "They have unicorns down there."
Dear lord, Niall is going to make my child believe unicorns are real.
"No way!" Lyra's jaw dropped, making us laugh through the sadness surrounding us.
"Yes way!" Niall mimicked her gasps as he said it, all of us just watching as her smile slowly started to phase.
We could tell deep down she knew something was off. Lyra was way smarter than us, truly this kid could figure anything out before us.
The world around us started to fall silent, not knowing what to say. We couldn't terrorize Lyra with our stories, but now didn't feel like the time to make jokes.
It just felt like a blank page in the storyline.
"Mommy," Lyra called, making River sniffle slightly before turning her head to meet her eyes. "I don't want to be here anymore."
She knows.
"Okay, dovie..." She nodded slowly, wiping away a few tears I hadn't even realized had fallen down River's cheeks. "Let me do something real quick."
Lyra nodded slowly, before River lowered her to the ground. Her body stood next to mine, her arms wrapped around my legs as we watched River move around.
The flowers she had in her hand got lowered to the ground at the base of the headstone. Sniffles started to become louder from River as she lowered herself to her knees in front of them.
It hurt me so badly to see her sad, there was nothing I could do to take that pain away. We both suffered with it every single day.
"I'm sorry."
She whispered the same words she did every single time we came to visit them. Her head was placed against the gravestone that read Harry's name, letting her feel close to him once more.
It was the only time she got to be with them again.
Every time she ever got to be this close to them, she apologized. She apologized like it would change something, or they would forgive her for something they weren't mad at her for.
I wish she knew they weren't mad at her for anything.
When they died she couldn't forgive herself for it. The worst part of it was her knowing he died with that letter from their mother in his hands. He didn't even get a chance to read it.
She tore herself up over it, and how he deserved to read it himself.
River never read the letter.
She actually had decided to bury it with them, knowing it should be close to Harry and only homes to him. So now every time she came here she felt the need to apologize to him for not being able to give him a chance to read it.
It broke me to see her that distraught.
We stayed silent as she had her own moment with them, not wanting to interrupt it. Tears welled at my eyes as I tried my hardest not to burst out at the sight.
Seeing River bent over their gravestones brought me back to that night five years ago when she was bent over their bodies instead.
She didn't deserve to see that.
"C'mon, Lyra..." River stood to her feet, moving back towards where I was standing. Her hand went to reach for Lyra's. "Let's go wait in the car."
"Hey," I called as she stood near me, now holding our daughter's hand encased with her own. "I love you."
I pressed a quick kiss to her lips, wanting to wipe away all of the tears. I knew it wouldn't do much, but I just hoped it would help her feel slightly better.
"I love you too."
Her words were simple but made my heart swell. Every time she said it, it made my heart jump with joy. Even in the sad times.
I watched as she started to move away, Lyra's hand being pulled before she suddenly stopped in her tracks. She dropped her hand from Rivers before turning back to look at the gravestones.
"Thank you for my bracelet."
Broken.
That's how I felt when I heard the words. Tears started to roll down my cheeks as I watched my daughter thank them, knowing she would never be able to do it to their faces.
Watching as the two of them walked away and out of our sight it was just the boys and I left. Forever there was one of us missing. The boys would never be the boys without Harry.
Nothing could ever be the same.
"You have such a smart girl, Zayn." Liam sniffled quietly as we were finally left with just us.
She is so fucking smart.
"I wish they could've met her." I sighed quietly, feeling so hurt at how much they would've loved Lyra.
"They watch over her," Louis nodded, making me look over towards him. "They watch over all of us. Why do you think we're all in one piece?"
I chuckled at his words, knowing how true they were. Whenever I came close to doing something stupid something always told me not to. It was them, they stopped me.
They protect me.
"God, the things I would do to just sit and talk with them one more time." Niall groaned, and I couldn't agree more with him.
"I have an idea," Louis smirked, making us all look at him with confusion laced in our bodies. "Let's have one last high flyers hour with them."
As Louis spoke, I watched him pull out a small plastic baggie filled with perfectly rolled joints. It was just like the old times.
Part of me still wishes it was the old times.
"Louis," I chuckled, watching as he started to open the baggie up. "You can't be serious right now. Are you?"
I wouldn't totally be against the idea, but it's just been awhile.
Nothing against weed itself, it's not like I'll never use it again. I just haven't been in that lifestyle in awhile. I actually have to be responsible with what I do, after all I am a father.
"Of course I'm serious," He shrugged, pulling out a joint for each of us. "Smoke up, boys."
With a shake of my head, and a light laugh, I listened. I reached for a joint, all of the boys giving in too. We did deserve a small little break after all of this, it would be quick.
The one thing I didn't expect was for him to have two extra joints just to be placed on each of their gravestones. Right at the foot of them, our silence being enough to appreciate
We didn't need to say anything, we just needed to get high and live our lives.
So, that's what we did. We spent however much time we had smoking away our joints, pretending Indiana and Harry were smoking theirs even if it was left untouched.
We shared memories upon memories we had with them, looking back on the times so long ago. Over the years, and over the months we knew both Indiana and Harry felt so far away.
Sitting there in that moment as we smoked our pot away, high on the memories of life. The time passed, and the stories were told. Some unheard from each of us, only to make us laugh so hard that we cried.
Hearing new moments or little embarrassing or funny stories about them that I had never heard before made me feel like they were still here. Like they truly were making new memories with us, not missing from them.
One that nearly made me start crying of sadness, was when Louis started to talk about that night up on the roof. We were as high as we felt now, and how all of us had a death wish.
When they asked if that's what we had been joking about that next day, it broke him and I when we had to say yes. That joke was gone now, disappeared into thin air as the three of us would never get to share inside jokes like that again.
God, I wish that I could feel that same thrill that I did that night on the roof again.
"I'm gonna pee my pants," Niall was laughing so hard, nearly falling on his back as we talked about the time Louis had attempted to pants Harry on stage. "I can't do this!"
There were tears of laughter practically falling down all of our cheeks, we didn't feel very sad anymore. We were sentimental over everything, but we felt so much peace with them right now.
"Me too," Louis snorted, bringing his hands up to wipe away his tears from under his eyes. "Lord, we need to go."
"Fuck, we've probably been holding River and Lyra up." Liam sighed as we finally came down from the high of our laughter, with the weed starting to wear off.
You could feel the mood totally change in an instant. As our highs wore off, and the unsettled feelings started to come back. We were reminded of what today was actually about.
"Shit, we probably have." Niall slightly gasped at the realization of how much time we had probably wasted. We all knew River wouldn't care though. "I gotta pee so bad, wanna start heading out?"
"Yeah that sounds good." Liam nodded with agreement before he helped Niall stand to his feet. Louis followed behind, but I stayed sitting.
I needed just a few minutes, and they knew that too. I had some special things I wanted to show them, and I wanted to be alone. They understood my space.
Sometimes we all needed a little time with them alone.
"Uh- do you guys mind if I-I take a few minutes?" I swear I probably sounded like a stuttering mess of a middle schooler, but as much as I knew the boys, I still got awkward about my feelings.
I hated that I still couldn't express how I truly felt all of the time.
"Of course, Z." Louis nodded, placing a hand on my shoulder knowing how nervous I was starting to feel in this setting.
"We'll be waiting in the car," Niall smiled at me as he shoved his hands into his pants pockets awkwardly. "Take your time."
As he spoke, I gave him a thankful nod letting them know how much I appreciate them. They walked away after that, leaving me alone in my thoughts with nothing else to protect me.
The wind started to pick up a little bit, breezing through my hair as I turned my body. I sat crisscrossed in front of their stones, my hands laced in the grass in the ground.
I didn't know what to say as I sat alone, I wanted to show them what I had done today but I didn't know how. I couldn't just show them like I wanted to, I didn't know what to say.
"Hey guys..." I whispered quietly, a heat of embarrassment flushing my cheeks as I started to talk to myself hoping they were listening. "I miss you a lot, I hope you know that."
Part of me felt so stupid and like someone would judge me for talking to myself in the middle of a random cemetery. Deep down I secretly knew if one person was to judge me, it would probably be Harry.
That little bitch had a temper sometimes.
I loved him though, and I miss him every day.
"I did something for you two today, no one really knows what it is." I continued to speak, reaching my hand out to run my fingers over the engraved lettering of their names.
Sometimes I did this because it helped me feel closer to them. When I talked to them, this made me feel like they were actually here. Even though they never actually would be, I liked to pretend they were.
"Actually, I haven't even looked at it myself." I chuckled at the thought of not even looking at what I had done to myself. "I wanted to wait to show you guys."
My voice became quieter as I began to pick at the grass around me. I keep saying I wanted to wait to show them, but I truly never would be able to do that.
Life sucked, shit turned so bad so fast and nearly everyday I wished to change things. Would I ever be at a place where I was settled with what had happened?
No, I probably wouldn't.
"I guess I should probably show you now," I sighed, pulling my wallet out slowly so I could truly have them with me by my side.
There was one thing I kept to myself that not one single soul had seen besides the three of us. It was a special item that was homed in my wallet. One I didn't look at often unless I needed to be reminded of them.
"God, you guys were so in love..." I said in awe as I pulled out the small piece of paper. What was on it was such a beautiful sight and so close to my heart.
I set the item down in front of me, tears starting to well at my eyes at the sight. This was always one of the hardest things to look at, knowing I'd never truly get to see them again.
A picture. A picture just between us, one I had taken and no one else but us knew about. Something so special and close to our broken souls. This picture saved me.
My heart broke as my fingers started to pull at the bandage over my new tattoo. It was a constant reminder and dedication to them, but at this point it hurt more than it made me happy.
Today as a whole just brought back one too many feelings I had wanted to push away forever.
Regret, anger, sadness, confusion, and most of all...
Guilty.
I was one of the reasons they died. I tried to play the hero and got myself stuck. They had to come rescue me and ended up sacrificing themselves to save us. They were always so selfless.
They truly cared so much for us.
Instead of trying to escape the storm, they stood in the eye of it. Stood as such bright stars shining around as they fell in love as the star and the moon. Just the two of them.
When I start to get sad about their stories and how I wanted them to be rewritten, I think about how it can't be changed. Everything happens for a reason, and you get stuck with a fate. Good or bad, stuff always comes to an end.
They were angels in the mix of a million devils.
They were angels that just wanted to go home early.
Indiana and Harry wanted to live as the stars in the orbit above us, instead of stuck on an Earth where they couldn't escape the storm.
Their memories of yellow Polaroid cameras, and black roses on a boat, rings that led to scary stories, and black sunglasses that created inside jokes would soon fade into memory instead of a chapter.
Their love would disappear into a turning page as they fled for the sky.
Nights under the sky between the two of them would no longer be under them. Instead they would be in them, up in the sky where they were bound to be.
Indiana and Harry's love would never end, they loved each other so much that they had to go. They had to escape to their freedom up in the sky.
It was time for them to go home, and now I feel at peace with that. After five years, I truly do realize that they are okay.
When I get sad over missing them, all I need to do is look up. Look up at the sky and be reminded there is no missing piece. They'll always be there for me.
They'll always be the stars I look for in the night sky, shining so bright now that they've become one.
So, as I finally pull off the bandage over my arm I look up at the sky before I read what I've written on me permanently. The blank space that had been waiting for something to be written on it was now filled with something so meaningful.
The welcoming night sky starts to come over the island, I start to picture the stars above me. I imagine them up above me protecting us all like their lives depended on it.
In this story, it did. The story eventually came to an end, and it was now.
Happiness was a welcoming feeling as I read the words tattooed on my arm out loud. My eyes pierced to the small picture in front of me like I was truly saying it to them.
Indiana and Harry's story was coming to an end full of happiness and love. The life they deserved being rewritten in the stars.
There's no ending to this story because the words taught me one thing. There will never be an ending, it's just a new beginning.
So, I close my eyes to old ends and open my heart to new beginnings. The words forever tainting my skin became my new start.
"We'll be a fine line."