Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah, they were all yellow
Warning: This chapter will have mentions of PTSD and rape
"Rise and shine, sleepy," I felt the comforter get ripped away from my body, the freezing air hitting me. "It's time to get up."
I refused to open my eyes, not wanting to face the light of day. I was laying down on my stomach with my face smashed into the pillow.
"Fuck off," I groaned, moving my hand to cover the side of my face. "I want to sleep."
I tried to shut my eyes and close Harry out of my head, but I should have known that wouldn't be possible. He's like a fly, once he finds you he won't go away.
"You need to get up," He repeated, and I could hear him walk closer to me before he brushed the hair covering my face out of the way. "You'll feel better once you do."
I opened my eyes so I could look at him. The bright sun coming through the window was making it hard to see his face as he stood over me. He looked sweet and innocent right now, almost too much.
"What are you?" I teased, giving him a harsh stare without bothering to move. "My mother?"
"You don't have a mother," Harry responded quickly, but panic quickly flashed over his face. "Shit! I'm sorry- I didn't mean it like that."
I laughed.
It was honestly really fucking funny, and the way he panicked made it even better. The poor boy looked like he was going to shit himself, and it was only entertaining me.
"Harry," I forced myself to speak through my laugh after a few moments. I could tell he was mentally hitting himself over and over for that. "You're okay. That was funny."
"Fuck- I sounded so mean," He groaned, throwing his head back. "I'm sorry, please forgive me."
I couldn't get over how mad at himself he looked. In all honesty it really did not affect me at all, and if it did do anything it only made me happy.
People are always too shy to make jokes about it, but that's how I cope. Making jokes is how I cover up the deep pain I have, but that's okay.
"If I forgive you, will you let me stay in bed all day?" I asked, trying to hide the smirk on my face as I spoke.
"No," He responded quickly and I pouted at him. "I'm gonna make you come with me no matter what you do."
Why is he so insistent on me going somewhere? There really isn't much to do around here, so I don't know what he plans on doing.
"Where are we going?" I asked after a few moments, letting out a sigh. I knew I would end up going either way, I just want to spend time with Harry.
"We are going on a hike," He said cheerfully with a smile and I just widened my eyes at him. "So you better get up and get dressed."
"A hike in the middle of Detroit?" I laughed at him, and a frown took over his face. "Where is that even possible? And you aren't even dressed."
I hadn't realized it until now, but as I trailed my eyes down his body I realized all he had on was a towel. It was low on his hips, and his hair was slightly damp.
"I went on a run and took a shower," He said tilting his head slightly. "I was waking you up before I got dressed. I also happen to know that there are many places you can hike in Detroit."
Yesterday was a long day from the combination of being up super early, and then nearly getting railed to death. They had a show last night in Detroit, and now we had the day off before we go to Cleveland tomorrow.
I was planning on spending it in bed, but I guess Harry was thinking of the total opposite. A hike sounds like fucking hell, especially with how sore I am.
"I don't want to move," I protested, pushing my face back into the pillow. "My body hurts."
"Are you really that sore?" He asked, and I quickly snapped my head up to him. He had that stupid fucking smirk on his face, but I wasn't going to feed his ego.
"I don't know, Harry," I deadpanned, pushing myself up onto my elbows. "I think one good look at my ass would let you know how I feel currently."
Apparently my words only excited him. His antsy hands reached out to lift the material of my shorts so he could stare right at my ass.
Harry cocked his head to the side as he took in the sight. He just nodded at it like he was a fucking dad proud of his son for winning a medal. Sometimes I wanted to slap him across the face and tell him to knock it off.
"What?" He asked, sounding amused after a few seconds. "Are you not enjoying them?"
There were about three handprints on my ass. Two of them overlapped and were painful as fuck. By the end of the night last night I couldn't even sit. I stood the entire fucking concert and all Harry did was make fun of me, even when he was on stage.
He would mock me and pretend to sit down before wincing and standing up to rub his ass. If I could I would have gotten on the fucking stage and kicked him in the balls. I probably would have been fired for that though.
"I love them," I forced a smile as I pushed his hand away so I could stand up. "It's a great reminder of you."
As I went to walk past him and towards my suitcase on the floor, he stopped me. His hands grasped my hips and turned me so my front pressed up against his.
Our faces were only inches away, and my hands flattened on his bare chest. The skin was warm from his shower still, a few droplets of water glistening on him.
The towel was low on his hips, and I couldn't stop myself from letting my eyes wander. His abs flexed in the golden lighting from the morning sun, and it was all my mind could think about.
"Good, that's exactly what I wanted." His voice was a bit quieter and deeper as he captured my lips against his. It only lasted a few short seconds, but just that was what I needed. "Now go get dressed."
He stepped away from me slightly, groping my ass in one of his hands and making me yelp. That fucker just wanted to mess with me, it was all he had in his head.
"Ouch!" I winced at the soreness and swatter at his hand. "Stop being such a fucking prick."
I shook my head and walked away from him so I could go to my suitcase. I could hear him chuckling as I crouched down to dig through my clothes.
"That's a new one," He laughed at what I had called him. "Wasn't really expecting that from you."
Without hesitation, I raised my arm and flipped him off. I could hear him dramatically gasp as if I had offended him, but I just held it up.
I hope he's offended by it. He better be or I'm going to shove it up his ass next.
I dug through my suitcase that laid on the floor of Harry's hotel, shoving the stuff around. We had given up on trying to convince the other to stay in whoever's room, we just went to whoever's room was closer and didn't put up a fight.
We didn't have enough energy to fight each other over the stupid things like that. We would just crash the second we hit the bed, wrapping ourselves in each other.
I didn't hesitate to stand up and pull my shorts down right in front of him with my back facing him. I could feel his stares on me, but I ignored them as I pulled the tank top over my head.
"Damn," He awed and I rolled my eyes. "No warning for that?"
"What are you gonna do?" I asked, turning around with nothing but a pair of panties on. "Get a boner?"
His gaze went directly to my tits and I could see him visibly gulp. He didn't say anything, and I knew my answer would be right. Bad for him thought because I wouldn't be doing anything with him.
Maybe for him...
No, Indiana. Get a grip on your pussy and do something normal for once.
"Would you just get dressed," He groaned, throwing his hand around so it moved up and down. "You're putting me in a mood."
"Aww, are you not enjoying staring at my tits?" I poured sarcastically, running my hands over my bare breasts. "I thought you would enjoy them."
"I would stare at them all day if I could, darling," He gave a cocky smile as he dropped his towel and pulled a pair of boxers on from the other side of the room. "But I'm being nice. Take it as a warning that if you keep it up you'll be a lot more sore than you are right now."
"Touché," I pursed my lips as I pulled on a pair of leggings. "I need to give my ass a few days."
It wasn't a lie. I definitely would, and probably could do a lot more if I tried, but I didn't want to. I'd rather be able to sit at the next damn tour then have to stand the entire time.
I quickly threw on a sports bra and a grey crew neck sweatshirt on, reaching down to find a pair of shoes. I grabbed a simple pair of vans, slipping them on before turning back to Harry.
He put on his simple pair of black ripped jeans, and his usual flannels. Today it was dark blue and green and instead of putting it over a t-shirt, he just buttoned it.
The top few buttons were opened, letting it dip low onto his chest. I found myself staring at the tattoos that started to peer out the top before I forced myself out of my trance.
"You ready?" Harry asked, breaking the silence as he put on his shoes.
Am I ready to do a normal couple type thing for once? No is the honest answer because I don't know how to feel about it.
Is it because of what we talked about? I know we both hate this so much, but did what I say make him feel like he wasn't doing enough?
Everything he does for me is more than I could have ever imagined. All I meant by our words was that I wish we didn't have all this dark stuff around us. I hope he knows that's what I meant, and not that I wasn't satisfied by him.
"Let me go to the bathroom," I said, grabbing my phone off of the night stand. "I'll be right back."
He gave me a short nod as he crouched down to grab something from his bag again. I moved around him and made my way to the small bathroom, shutting the door behind me.
I had to pee really fucking bad, it felt like my bladder was about to explode.
I quickly went to the bathroom and washed my hands. The water was cold and sent a chill down my spine making me shiver.
As I brushed my teeth I pulled out my phone to check up on some things. It was just past ten in the morning, and I had multiple texts and emails.
It was mostly basic stuff about payments and checkups. The things that stood out to me was the email from Hugo saying I needed to give him a progress report at the end of this leg of the tour.
Still hadn't figured out what the fuck I was going to say, and quite frankly I don't want to. It's going to be a lot to figure out what I'm doing, but I just need to settle down in New York for a few days.
I finished brushing my teeth, setting my phone down on the counter so I could spit when it buzzed. I furrowed my eyebrows but when I looked at it, a smile took over my face.
River: Four more shows! Cant wait to see you, I miss my bitch <3
It made me happy seeing the message from River.
This is probably the longest I had gone without seeing her, and I honestly missed her.
There were too many gross boys on this tour. The only women were super techy and were in their forties. I tried talking to them but after five minutes my head hurt.
I quickly replied telling her I missed her too, and we would be getting together the second I came back. I needed to see her and have some fun in my life that wasn't related to the mafia. Maybe she could even come to the last show?
"What's the smile on your face for?" Harry pestered me the second I stepped out of the bathroom, and I rolled my eyes.
"Am I not allowed to smile?" I teased, grabbing the second hotel key and the small backpack I had laying next to my suitcase.
"No," Harry laughed, and I bent down to my suitcase and glanced at him before I reached for something. "That's not like you to just smile."
He wasn't paying any attention, and I hesitated before grabbing something that felt so sacred. I quickly put it in my bag without giving a second look so I wouldn't panic.
"I'm in a good mood," I said honestly as I stood up and put the bag on my back. "My friend texted me and it made me happy."
"River?" He asked and I gave him a nod as we started to walk towards the door. "She seems sweet."
His hand pressed to the flat of my back as he opened the door for us and I stepped through. The hallways were quiet and brightly lit with fluorescent lights.
Sweet is one way to put it. She's sweet... in many different ways.
"She's very sweet," I said with a light chuckle. "I think you'd like her. I know Niall would love her."
"Let me guess," Harry questioned, tapping his finger against his chin like he was looking for an answer. "They're both crazy party animals?"
"Ding, ding, ding," I laughed and Harry let out a cheerful 'Yes!'. "If you put the two of them in a room with alcohol, it would be game over."
That's one thing I've learned from both of them. They like to drink, and they like to drink mass amounts of alcohol.
They also both get plastered and do dumb shit, but we don't need to mention that. I've just gotten to witness the best sides of them both.
"Let's do it then," He answered back and I cocked my head with a confused look. "Have her go out with us one night when we get back."
I widened my eyes a bit, quickly looking away before looking back at him. We were walking down the long hallway, passing all the doors as we moved towards the elevators.
"That could be fun," I answered honestly as I thought about it. "I know she's a pretty big fan of you guys. She nearly shit her pants when Zayn answered the phone once."
"Is she really?" Harry asked, raising an eyebrow and I gave a big nod. "Bring her to a show."
"Really?" I asked, surprised, not expecting him to offer that. "Can you do that?"
"Yeah, why not," He shrugged as we stopped walking and pressed the button to wait for the elevator. "It is my band after all."
"She would really appreciate that," I said wrapping an arm around Harry's side and giving him a squeeze. "How about the last show? Is there a way you can get a pass without... you know."
My words were quiet at the end, and I hated how nervous I sounded. It didn't really hit me that the person who was in charge of all of those kinds of things was dead.
Spencer was the one that handled all the backstage shit, from passes to the stage being built. He really held this tour down and it was so weird without him.
When news broke that he had passed away, it was awful. They said he was in a car accident, and everyone felt heartbroken. It was so hard to watch everyone as they heard about it.
"Yeah, I should be able too." Harry gave me a nod, and I could see the change in his mood.
"Any new news?" I asked as the elevator doors slid open and we stepped on. "How things are going to go or whatever?"
"Not really," He signed, leaning against the railing. "I think we're just gonna finish these next few shows off and then we'll work from there. I think they want to get someone new for overseas."
"That sounds... fun," I thought about the words as I said them. I didn't really know what to say. "Maybe things will be better once you leave America?"
"We leave America," He corrected me and dramatically said we. "And who knows if we'll even make it there."
He let out a deep sigh and I shook my head at him. Harry always tends to look so negatively, he needs to brighten up sometimes.
"Why wouldn't you make it there?" I asked, feeling confused at why he was saying that.
I know things are bad around us, but we aren't going to lose this battle. Harry and I are survivors and we always keep fighting. No matter what.
"Who knows at this rate," He shrugged his shoulders as the elevator doors opened to the lobby. "They might have us smashed dead by next week."
"Jesus," I groaned as I stepped out of the elevator. "Is there a need to be so gruesome?"
I went to turn to go out the main lobby, but Harry nudged my elbow and pulled me in a different direction. It was towards the back exit with an employees only sign but he didn't seem to care.
"I'm just stating the possibilities," He looked at me like I was missing something as he raised his shoulders. "You gotta expect the worst."
"No, Harry," I groaned at his words. "You are supposed to prepare for the worst. Not expect it."
I expect a lot of bad things in my life, but I don't expect my death in every situation. I just leave the door open that it might approach me.
"Whatever," He rolled his eyes as he pushed the back exit open. "It's the same thing."
When the door opened there was a black SUV ready for us in the alleyway. He always got cars so quickly and I questioned it sometimes.
"Not the same thing," I shook my head at him. "Where's your car?"
The past couple of weeks he's had his Tesla wherever we've gone, but today it's gone. He likes that car a lot, he hates pretty much any other car.
"It's going to New York right now," He spoke as I started to walk around to the passengers side. "I want it there for when we get back."
I gave him a nod, and opened the door so I could slip into the car. Harry shut his door loudly, startling me a bit before he apologized quickly.
I slipped the small bag I had down onto the ground between my legs as Harry turned on the car. Music immediately started to play lowly in the background from the radio, but I didn't pay any attention to it.
"How far is this place?" I asked after a few minutes as he started to pull away from the hotel. The scenery of Detroit was actually very pretty.
People talk it up to be some sketchy place, but it's beautiful. I feel like it just hits a spot in me, I don't really know why.
Last night after the concert, I walked back to the hotel with Louis because it wasn't far, and it was stunning. There were so many different lights brightening the whole city, and it was so lively.
There were also a shit ton of sports fans which is apparently due to the fact they have a bunch of major fucking teams that are hosted there. I don't know much about it, but apparently the bars did.
"Not far," He said, turning his head to glance at me. "Maybe around fifteen minutes?"
He was right. Fifteen minutes later we were pulling up to some metropark around a lake. There were cars scattering the parking lot as we drove through it so Harry could find a space.
He pulled into one, shutting the car off and grabbing his classic black sunglasses. I hadn't seen them in awhile, and in all honesty I was starting to miss them.
My hands stopped on the bag on the ground, not wanting to grab it but I pushed myself too. I wanted to do this, I just needed to build up the courage. This felt right.
"Fuck- it's cold," I groaned when I opened the car door and the breeze quickly hit me. "Why didn't you tell me it was this cold?"
"It's the middle of November in Michigan, I assumed you would know it's chilly." He shrugged as he walked around to meet me at the front of the car. "And it's not that bad, suck it up."
Suck it up, okay. You suck up your bullshit about dying then.
He started walking away from me and I followed him down the path. He was heading towards some trees that had a sign directing to a path. I hoped this wouldn't be long, my legs fucking hurt.
"Would you shut up with the bullshit today?" I rolled my eyes at him and he dropped his jaw jokingly.
"I am not bullshitting you," He gasped like a little kid, looking up at the trees above us. "You should appreciate this, I don't like going to public places."
I let out a little sigh, drooping my shoulders as I looked around. It was really beautiful here, you could see the lake through the trees as we walked down the path. The trees around had drops of water on them from the early morning and the sun was bright.
Appreciation is just a small bit of what I feel for this. I'm nervous, but it means so so much to me. He knows that, I'm just not good at showing it.
"I really appreciate it, Harry," I gave him a tight lipped true smile, nodding my head softly. "Truly. It's super peaceful, it's what I needed."
I did need this honestly. To be outside and just relax and get a fresh breath of air. It felt so nice to be out here, Harry was right when he said I needed this.
"We did need this," Harry spoke quietly as he stepped closer to grab my hand. "C'mere."
Our fingers laced together and I took a deep breath. I felt like I was just letting things go for a bit. Escaping from my reality was a way to put it.
I wish I could be like this forever. Just pretend things are fine and enjoy my life. If I could just do normal things like this with Harry everyday.
The silence was loud, but welcomed. We didn't really speak much as we walked. Our hand in hand as we took in the scenery.
The brown and orange surround us as the leaves start to fall off the trees. That process always confused me, I never understood the cycle of how leaves changed colors.
Cold breezes blew through my loose hair as I looked at the path ahead of me. My thumb ran over Harry's soft skin, brushing over the small cross tattoo he had on his hand.
His skin was warm against my hand, giving me comforting squeezes every few minutes. I loved the moments like these with him. When we could just get lost in each other and we didn't need to say anything.
Being with each other was enough for us. It always was.
What caught my attention and broke our silence was the sudden sound of people. I turned my head to look at where the noise was coming from and was surprised when groups of people started to run past us on the smaller path next to us.
"What the-" I mumbled under my breath feeling confused until the realization hit me. "Is there some sort of race going on?"
I hadn't realized it until now, but on the second path it was roped off. I don't know why I didn't notice it, but there was clearly something going on. Now there were people breaking our silence and running past us.
"Must be," He said turning his head to me, but he had that stupid smirk on his face. "Only one thing to do."
I furrowed my eyebrows confused on what he meant, but before I could ask he just shrugged his shoulders and ran. He had that bright smile on his face the entire time he did it, and it was contagious.
He ran in front of me and jumped over the rope. There were two people running past that gave him a weird look but he just ignored them.
The way he jumped over it and started running made me laugh. It was so unlike him, but yet it seemed like something he would do.
I crossed my arms over my chest, laughing lightly as I watched him run away from me. He looked back at me when he was a distance away and stopped to turn back.
Our eyes met, and I felt my heart swell. The way he paused for a moment, not moving as he stared at me. His chest was heaving up and down slightly from the distance he had run and I just shook my head at him.
It felt so good to see him like that. He looked happy, and when he saw my smile it only made his grow bigger. The dimples were deep in his cheeks as he walked back towards me.
I wanted him to stay like that forever.
I wanted to feel like this too.
"You are like a little kid," I laughed as he got closer to me. "Looks like you're doing the walk of shame."
He looked down at the ground shaking his head and a few strands of hair fell over his forehead. As he looked at the ground I could see his bright smile still and I wanted to picture it forever.
The way he walked back to me was funny. He rested his hands on his hips as he tried to catch his breath, stopping and bending over when he reached me.
"Running isn't easy," He inhaled deeply as he bent over in front of me and I ran my hand up and down his back. "Didn't think running that far would have me bent over and out of breath."
"That's not the only thing that could have you bent over-" The words came out of my mouth before I could stop them, and he immediately froze and shot his head towards me.
"What did you say?" He asked like he had misheard it and I could feel my cheeks flush with embarrassment.
I said what I said, and I meant it. I wouldn't be saying it again, but I knew he heard it. He can just let it process in his head and ponder on it.
"Nothing," I said, clearing my throat. "Get up and start walking."
I turned away from him and started to walk away trying to get rid of my embarrassment. He stayed still for a minute but straightened up and caught up to me.
"You know I heard you," He snuck up behind me, pinching my waist and making me squeal. "You don't get to pretend I didn't."
"I know you did," I said, pretending to be confident with my words even though I was mentally facepalming myself. "You were the one that stuttered and couldn't produce a thought."
"Oh I was making thoughts, that's for sure." He smirked, pulling hit bottom lip between his teeth and I cocked an eyebrow at him.
"They better be good thoughts," I warned, and he shrugged his shoulders. "The kind of thoughts I like."
There're many different things I like, but Harry letting me do anything I want to him would have to be at the top of my list. I still haven't seemed to crack the code with him, and it really gets on my nerves.
"You'd love them," He said, a bit quieter, wrapping one of his arms around my waist as we walked. "They involve you?"
"Do they?" I asked and he gave an approving hum. "What am I doing."
"Fucking me," He whispered against my ear and I nearly tripped over my own feet. "What? The dick got your feet tied up?"
Holy fuck, apparently it does.
I never thought he would let me do that to him, but hell I can't even lie about how many times I've thought about it. There have been nights where I've had... dreams about it. Very, very nice dreams.
"Have you been thinking about that?" I asked and his cheeks flushed slightly but he gave a nervous nod. "Dirty, Harry. Very dirty."
"Just as dirty as you, babe," He teased and I pushed him away from me with a disgusted look. "Hey! I'm just speaking the truth."
I know I'm dirty. There's nothing wrong with that but I don't need him to tease me about it in the middle of a park. God knows where it could go from there.
I could hear Harry chuckling to himself as he kicked one of the heels of his shoes against the ground. I nodded in disappointment, trying to hide my smile but I lost.
"Keep your eyes up here," I pointed at him when I looked back and noticed he was staring at my ass. "That is not polite."
"I'm just taking in the view," He sighed, pretending to put his hands out like he was taking a picture. "It's a nice one and I'm trying to enjoy it. Stop ruining it."
"Well you're looking at the wrong view, dumbass." I groaned and turned so I could go through a more hidden path through the trees.
I don't know if you are allowed to go through here, but I am. The view of the lake is over in this direction, but it looks like there is some sort of hill leading there.
"Where are you going?" Harry asked as he trailed behind me, his feeling shuffling over the ground.
The leaves were crunching under our feet as the warm colors fell around us. The wind was picking up the closer we got to the blue water, my hair blowing all over my face.
"I'm tired of walking," I answered, looking back at him and he raised an eyebrow. "I want to find somewhere to sit."
That wasn't a total lie. My legs did hurt, and I did want to find somewhere to sit, but that wasn't the reason. I wanted to sit so I could do something I never had before.
"You're tired of walking already?" Harry asked and I nodded slowly. "We've only walked like two miles max."
"That's two miles too many," I smiled at him and he rolled his eyes. "Don't you want to just sit in the peace and quiet."
I pushed away a tree branch as I spoke, exposing a flat open area that overlooked the lake. It was beautiful, and just what I needed. It was the perfect place.
"Yeah," He agreed quietly. "That would be really nice actually."
I knew it would be. We liked the time where we could just sit in the quiet areas where it was just us. We tend to like the outdoors a lot.
Maybe it's because of how open it is here?
The water was dark blue, almost black looking as it was exposed to us. The grass under our feet made noise as we walked out into the open area.
I could see that it was secluded from everyone. People running deep within the woods on the opposite side of the lake. No one would see us here.
I sat down criss cross on the ground when I walked out a bit further. Harry followed behind me, standing over me for a second before he sat down in front of me.
My bag was moved to sit between my legs, my fingertips holding onto it like it would be ripped away from me. I watched Harry, taking in his every movement.
His eyes still covered by his sunglasses, the soft smile that still played on his lips. I watched as he brought his hand up to his hair, brushing his hand through it.
Harry is so beautiful, and it never failed to captivate me. The way his body moved to take in the things around him always interested me. Harry was special.
I trust Harry.
"What's wrong, darling?" Harry spoke up, interrupting my thoughts and making me look up.
"Nothing, sorry." I mumbled sitting up straight and brushing my pants off.
"You wandered off in the head of yours again," He said, reaching out his hand to tap the temple of my head. "What happened."
I had wandered off into the far space in my head again, and I didn't even notice. Thank god Harry always senses when I get there. Things can get bad in my head.
"Just... thinking," I stuttered out my answer and Harry tilted his head like he knew I was lying. "I'm appreciating being here with you."
I really was. I was just taking in the moment because we don't get many of them. They are really special to me so I like to live them as long as I can.
"Bullshit." He deadpanned and I looked up and I knew he could tell. "You've been clutching onto that poor bag for dear life the whole day. Did you hide a body in there or something?"
I tried to crack a smile at his joke, but my nerves took over and didn't let me. The bag, it's a funny thing that's hiding in it. In all honestly I never thought it would live to see the light of day again.
"It's not big enough for that," I let out a light laugh, hearing his own come from his mouth. "I brought something."
I decided to be flat out with my answer. There was no point in trying to stall, if I was going to do this, I needed to do it.
"You did?" He asked, raising an eyebrow and I gave a shy nod. "What did you bring?"
Honestly I felt bad. The way he was looking and me and smirking made it seem like he thought I brought something sexual. It was very very different from that.
Well it could be sexual, but I am very fucking far from that.
"I wanted to try and do something if you were okay with it," My voice was far from its normal strong demeanor. "You know I've had some issues with being photographed."
Some issues is one way to put it. Technically it would be more like being terrorized and taunted for six years, but some issues is a small glimpse at it.
"Yeah you've told me that you've had problems with it since you were little." He nodded slowly, and I could tell how his whole mood changed.
He was tense now, his shoulders were raised and his eyebrows furrowed slightly. The nervous crease laid between his eyebrows as he bit at the skin on his lips.
"Well when I was taken, they used to take pictures of me..." I started to speak and I already started to feel myself get emotional. Not a single soul knows that this happened. "I was young, and I was nude."
It hurt to bring up the memories again. The moments started to replay through my head, and it felt like slashing through the barely healed scars that covered me inside.
The images of my frail and bruised body laying on the ground as they hurt me. Countless times they raped me for their pleasure so they could take pictures of it.
I was just a little girl.
"Oh, baby," Harry said softly and tried to reach for my hand, but I pulled it away.
I didn't mean it in a bad way, and he knew that. I just wanted to stay strong and keep talking through my problems without having to stop.
"They would use me... for their pleasure." The words felt like knives stabbing through me. "It went on for years, and the pictures never stopped. When I finally got out of it I couldn't bring myself to think about taking anything that had me in it."
For the longest time I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. Every time I looked at myself all I saw was the marks they left on me.
I still do. The way they carved themselves into my skin, they changed me forever. What was the worst was that I couldn't get over it.
"You are so beautiful, Indie," He spoke, pulling his knees to my chest. "Inside and out."
I gave him a small smile, really appreciating his words. They were what I needed to keep getting through this.
My fingers toyed with the zipper on my bad, not just ready to open it up yet, but that was okay. I was opening up my heart to Harry.
"I felt ruined by them. They raped me hundreds of times to the point where I was so weak I just let it happen." I felt so ashamed when I said the words. "I felt so stupid for just giving up and stopping fighting. I still do."
Every time I think about this, I always get mad at myself for not pushing harder. Maybe I could have escaped earlier if I tried harder? I'll never know because I never tried.
"You aren't ruined by them," Harry said, his tone serious but warm and comforting at the same time. "You aren't weak or dumb for giving in. Sometimes we just can't take it anymore so we give up, you aren't alone. That doesn't make you weak though, you came out on the other side and are so strong."
I needed his words. Keeping this inside me for so long hurt me more than I thought it would. I was containing it all in a bottle when in reality I needed to take the cap off.
Telling someone what happened is what I needed. To finally admit to myself that I have PTSD from what happened to me, and that I will never not suffer from it felt so good. It hurt, but it felt like opening a door.
"When I found the pictures of me as young as seven years old on the dark web, I told myself I would never let a chance of that happening ever happen again." I felt the emotions hitting me, but for some reason I felt mad. "I didn't want anyone to ever see my face again, I felt so mad at myself and like I was worthless."
"You are worth a million smiles, baby," Harry said with a comforting tone making me feel better. "I wouldn't be here without you. Honestly, I would probably be dead somewhere because I didn't think I deserved to be here. You showed me I'm worth something, and I want you to see that."
I want to see that too, Harry. I'm really fucking trying to.
"I'm trying to accept that," I nodded, letting a tear run down my cheek. I didn't need to hide how I felt anymore. "That's what I want to do here."
I swallowed the nerves that felt like they were about to burst out of me, and just said it. It was more so I wouldn't trip myself out of doing this, because I needed to do it.
There wouldn't be another time like this for a while. Where it was just me and Harry in the peace and quiet of the open nature. Where no one would see us and I could be comfortable.
"What do you want to do?" Harry asked, looking down to my hands where I slowly started to unzip the bag.
The soft yellow camera started to peek through the zipper hole, and I could see Harry's facial expression change. His eyes widened a bit before he settled back down and waited for me to speak.
"I want to take a picture..." My voice was just barely audible as my fingers grazed over the camera before pulling it out. "Of me. I want you to take a picture of me."
Harry froze instantly, his breathing cutting over and his movements. I could tell how much that hit him, in a shocking and one of the most impactful things I could have done.
"Are you sure?" He asked so quietly, his eyes welling with a few tears that made me start to cry. "You want me to do this for you?"
All I wanted to scream was yes. I wanted to yell it so loudly so the whole world could hear, but all I did was nod softly. I couldn't bring myself to say anything else over my anxiety.
My hands started to shake slightly as I held to the plastic object in my hands. It was funny to me how something so simple and so small could cause me so much trauma.
I stood up, watching Harry furrow his eyebrows before I held a hand out for him. He grasped it tightly and stood to his feet.
He followed me with his hand in mine as we walked closer to the water. The yellow object was held in my other hand as I tried to keep myself calm.
When we reached the edge where the grass met the sand, I stopped. My heart was racing and my head was starting to pound with the intrusive thoughts. I really wanted to do this though.
"Will you do this?" I turned to Harry, meeting his eyes for the first time and seeing all the pure emotion in them. "For me?"
"Yes," He said breathless with the brightest smile I had ever seen on his face. "I want to show you how beautiful you are. I want you to see the powerful and captivating woman I see."
His eyes were filled with tears as the dimple carved into his cheeks. I had never seen him look so emotional and happy. He looked truly happy.
"Show me," I whispered under my breath, taking all the courage in me to grab his hand and place the camera in it. "Please."
He hesitantly took the camera from me and before I could sike myself out I turned on my heel. I took a few steps away from him with my back facing him.
Tears were slowly running down my face, but they weren't bad. They felt good for some reason. Like I was letting go and accepting at the same time.
It hasn't hit me that I'm doing this yet. I feel the panic, but not like before. My body isn't shutting in on me and locking me away from the real world.
The memories aren't haunting me in my head.
"Indiana," I heard Harry's voice and I wiped the tears from my eyes to face him. "Are you ready?"
I turned my head to look at him slowly and give him a nod. My eyes pierced shut taking one last deep breath. When I opened them he had lifted the small yellow camera that looked tiny in his hands up to his face.
It took everything in me not to scream 'Stop!', but I didn't. I kept my breathing calm as I let it happen. I let my life step forward into a new beginning with one simple thing...
A flash.
Before I could even realize it, it went off and I broke into tears. They weren't bad, and Harry was quick to rush and comfort me.
He cradled me in his arms as I fell to the ground and let out sobs. The comforting words he whispered to me were getting lost in my thoughts, but the one thing that didn't intrude me was the haunting memories.
I felt so good. I was so overwhelmed with everything I always felt so absent too. The things I was against felt like they were all being let one.
I feel like I achieved something.
"Baby... baby," Harry cooed against my ear, his voice finally coming back into my senses. "You're okay, it's over."
"I did it," I choked out a sob and broke out into a smile at what I had done. "I took a picture."
I did it.
"You did, baby," He whispered as he slowly stopped rocking me. "I'm so proud of you."
Those four words were so simple, but they seemed to be the words that made me feel most accomplished. Hearing the simple words of someone being proud of you felt better than anything before.
"Can I.." I started to speak, stopping so I could sniffle and collect myself. "Can I see it?"
"Of course," He said, shuffling so he could sit across from me like we had been earlier. "Here."
He slowly handed it to me, and I grabbed it from him with my eyes shut. I didn't want to see myself yet, but just feeling the thin picture in my hand made me heart race.
When I slowly opened my eyes, it was like seeing a whole new world. It was me. A picture of me.
I looked so tired and worn out, but also at my peak. My eyes were filled with unread emotions and the wind blew my hair everywhere.
"It's me-" I smiled, looking up at Harry who awed at me with his eyes bright. "I'm on a piece of film."
"You are," He replied, and it felt like the reality was hitting me of what I did. "You look so fucking beautiful. This is what I see when I look at you, the person who never gives up and always fights for who she cares about."
I fight for you, Harry.
"I made it," I whispered so quietly I wasn't even sure if he could hear it. "Thank you, Harry. You showed me I could do this."
"No," He answered and I set the small picture down on the grass in between us. "You did this. You should yourself you could do this, I just helped you cross the finish line, my little star."
I looked at Harry with so much adoration. In that moment I realized something I hadn't before. He made me feel something I hadn't in over fourteen years.
I wanted him and this feeling to last forever.
"I did." I murmured to myself and I watched Harry's green eyes. The ones I felt like I could get lost in forever.
The small paper object laid flat on the ground in front of us, and I couldn't take my eyes off of it. The yellow camera still held in Harry's hands brought a light smile to my face.
I hated yellow. I hated cameras, but I did it. My hands were shaking slightly as I looked at Harry, and felt nothing but that overwhelming warmth.
I learned to like yellow.
Harry was my yellow.
It was all yellow.