You were alone, left out in the cold
Clinging to the ruin of your broken home
Too lost and hurting to carry your load
We all need someone to hold
Warning: This chapter will mention relapse and suicidal thoughts
"We need to talk." I said anxiously as she stared at me in disbelief.
The one person that I feel the most comfort with looks the most confused and worried to talk to me. I'm lost and confused too, that's why we need to talk.
It's been eight days. Eight long days of hell that I've put myself through. I thought I would be able to just give myself time to think about it, but nothing can ever be simple with me.
I subjected myself to the wrath I caused. I chose to give up on the fight I was battling. I know Indiana knows, I know she's disappointed but she was at the point where she felt like she couldn't talk to me.
I didn't want to wait this long, or let things get this bad, I just had so much to think about. So many different things going on in my brain that I just wanted to work out. But instead of taking a day or two to keep to myself and calm down, I got high as a kite to the point I couldn't remember my own name.
I thought it would shut out the pain, but it just made me hurt more. I just want to understand why everything is like this, and I think I get it. I just made things worse for me.
When I realized I couldn't take it anymore I fell back and relapsed. I told myself just one time to distract myself, but it never is just one time is it?
It isn't, it really isn't. I tried, I really did but I should have known better than that. It's never enough. You just want to feel one more moment of peace without that feeling gnawing at you.
But it never goes away. No matter how high you get, it won't take away the pain or the memories. It's always underlying at the bottom of the dark hole, and one day you just have to take the fall and meet the bottom.
I am meeting the bottom today.
I am sober today. I decided that enough was enough, and that I wanted to actually talk about it. I don't want to be like this anymore.
I didn't want to be like this to begin with. I tried to stay calm and think about it the night she told me, but the pure panic I felt when I thought about how I was going to handle this with my father took over me. I wasn't mad at her for who she was, she is exactly who I thought she was but with a major detail hiding out.
I was upset, I'm not going to lie, and I still am but it isn't worth it. I thought I was scared that I had been used again, but I hadn't, she truly wanted me for me. It wasn't the fact she lied to me, it was the pure trepidation that something would happen to her.
I spent days thinking about how I would cover this up to protect her until I just stopped. I didn't need to cover it up, I wouldn't be telling anyone.
I was hurt by the situation, I still am hurt, but this doesn't need to be what it could be. I care about that girl more than anything is the world and I would do anything to protect her.
I spent so many nights up, and thinking about what life would be like if we had met under different circumstances. If I was just a college boy, and she was a normal girl, but we aren't. We are both hurricanes who got the chance to cross the same path and blend together as one.
Our weaknesses join together to build a strong storm. We might be a disaster, but at the end of every disaster the sun will come out eventually. She makes the bad worth it. She is my sun.
"Talk?" She asked quietly, making me snap out of my thoughts. Her grip on the door was hard, and she looked like she was holding on as if someone would rip her away from me.
"Yeah.." I said nervously, running my hand through my hair as I shifted my weight on my heel. "Can I take you somewhere?"
I wanted to take her somewhere where she could feel at comfort. I wanted her to feel like she was in a safe place as we spoke. It didn't matter to me where I was, because she is my safe space.
I also wanted to talk to her sooner, but I couldn't. I hated knowing that she was just a little ball of anxiety, and she felt like she couldn't even be in the same room as me. I knew she was hiding out with Zayn most of this time and I was really happy she had him.
He tried to talk to me, but I just shut him out. I don't do good with talking, I like to let my problems eat me apart instead of working through them one by one. He knows I appreciated his concern even if I didn't show it. I'm pretty sure he also knows the truth, but another part of me doesn't know because I feel like he would have been a bit more hectic and mad.
I'm lying, that man is as cool as a cucumber. He wouldn't have made a big deal out of it, because unlike me, he knows how to handle his emotions. I can tell he's confused, his whole life he's always worn a mask and pretended to be fine, but deep down I can see how he feels.
Him and Indiana needed time with each other. Not just a quick drive, but they needed to really get to know each other. I would have always thought I'd be a jealous fuck, but I'm not. Under normal circumstances I'd probably be a little annoyed by them being together twenty four seven, but they need each other. They understand each other in ways they don't realize.
"Oh," She spoke up sounding a little confused at first. "Yeah. Just give me a sec to change?"
I gave her a short nod as I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my jeans. I stepped back as she started to close the door, clicking the heel of my shoe against the ground. It stung a little bit when she shut the door on me, but I don't know what I expected.
I don't get to be invited in anymore. I showed her that I didn't trust her, I fucked up a lot. I just want to explain why I hid. Why I didn't stand up for how I really felt, instead I was a coward.
At first I did it for her safety. I didn't know how I would act, and I just felt hurt. I think anyone would feel that way if they learned someone they cared deeply about had been hiding who they were. I needed her to leave so I didn't do anything I would regret.
My brain wasn't thinking straight that first night. It was a foreign feeling, and I was scared. I was scared that I had let myself get hurt again, I was scared that I just proved my fathers point. I don't deserve to be happy.
That was screaming at me the whole time she tried to finish explaining, and I wanted to listen but I couldn't. My head felt like it was going to explode, and I needed her out of there before I snapped. I destroyed my hotel room until it was barely recognizable that night.
After smashing every item in the room, instead of just taking a second to breathe I wanted to cover my pain. I ran to the one thing that I knew would take it away, even if it was just temporary. Drugs.
I got so high to the point I couldn't tell my left from right. The wretched toxin was pumping through my veins as I tried to stumble through the hallway. I stopped though. I stopped when I heard her.
I heard her and Zayn. She was crying, really fucking hard. In that moment when I heard how distraught she was, I realized she truly didn't want to hurt me. I stopped in front of his door that night.
I was just frozen, with my hand held up as if I was going to knock. I almost knocked, I wanted to. I couldn't move though, my body wouldn't let me. After around twenty minutes of just standing there, I heard her scream the words that triggered me.
"I will never be enough for him, I will never make him happy again."
"Harry?" Indiana's soft voice snapped me out of my thoughts and I quickly looked up, startled by her being in front of me. "You okay?"
"Yeah sorry, just zoned out a bit." I said with a nod as I pushed off of the wall. "You ready?"
"I couldn't tell," She tried to make a joke, letting out a light laugh. It took me a few seconds to register it, so I felt like a dick that ignored her joke. "Uh.. yeah."
"Then let's roll," I said trying to put a smile on my face. I wanted to show her it was okay, she didn't need to feel nervous.
I hate how awkward things feel. As we walked to the elevator, it just felt weird. It was odd knowing that the person I was closest to also felt the most distanced from me. I didn't like this feeling, I wanted the warmth and fuzziness I felt around her.
The elevator ride was very fucking uncomfortable. I just stared at her, then got really embarrassed when she caught me. She didn't say anything, but it still felt weird. I wanted to look at her and see how she really is, I can read her very well.
She was wearing that same flannel she always seemed to wear when she was anxious or stressed. Maybe it was her comfort item? Her eyes were tired. Apart from the fading bruises that scattered her body, she looked worn down.
I hated knowing she was hurt. Both physically and mentally. No matter how hurt you get physically, nothing compares to the deep wounds inside you. I could take physical pain any day, but the feeling when you are hurt mentally just destroys me.
"Your cuts are- healing nicely." I stuttered as we walked out of the elevator, and she followed a little bit behind me.
God, I just want to mentally smack myself across the face for that one. She's going to think I think she looks like shit. Why does this have to be so awkward?
"Thanks," She said with a smile, and I relaxed a little bit. "That doctor did good."
"He is good, he's nice." I said in agreement. "I'm sure he was thrilled to be there at four in the morning."
I might have been in a pissy mood and confused, but I'm not a total dick. I wouldn't let her wander around with some serious injuries, so I sent her the best person I knew of. I spent a lot of time in California on some major jobs that required doctors, and I knew he would be willing to help. He would also be paid a shit ton of money.
"He was very, looked a little concerned for me." She said with a light laugh, making me feel a little more comfortable. "Luckily it's just a concussion and some broken ribs, plus a couple of bumps and bruises. Nothing I can't handle."
Just?
"Well, you are quite the tough one aren't you?" I joked and earned a laugh from her which made my body warm with that unfamiliar fuzziness. "It's this one over here."
I pointed to the dark grey Tesla that was parked at the curb a few cars down. It was one of my favorite cars, I shipped it to places that I would be staying at for longer chunks of time. It just so happened to be stuck here from my last job which was nice.
I liked it because it was safe. All the windows were bulletproof, and it drove nicely. I liked to use it when I was doing one on one jobs. When I was alone, I didn't have the help of the other boys so I relied on the protection of this car.
"Nice car." She said as she opened the door to sit down slowly.
"Thank you," I said as I turned on the car. "Music?"
It was the only thing I could think to ask. I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable, but I know that she feels comfort with music. Who doesn't? There's so many different types that fit any situation.
"The radio is fine." Indiana said as she buckled her seatbelt.
"Okay," I said, exaggerating the words out as I leaned forward to turn the radio on.
I flipped through a couple of channels and it seemed like nothing good was on, everything was super gaudy or too old. I almost gave up when I came across a familiar song.. Sex On Fire.
Just the fucking song to play at this moment in time. I froze up instantly not knowing what to do, and the look on her face said the same thing. She was just staring at me with an awkward smile.
It was a song of good memories. The ones when we were just enjoying our time together and not worrying about all the bad shit that would come to hurt us. It brought back a good feeling.
Fuck it.
I turned it up.
I didn't know what else to do, and there was no way in hell I'd be getting out of this awkward situation, so why not just go with it. The loud music started to shake through the car's speakers, and it felt like peace.
I knew she was awkward too, but she went with it. It was like that time in the car, where it was just us on the road and the loud music through our ears.
It wasn't super busy out, and a shutter went down my body as we passed a bridge that went over the road. It wasn't the first time I had seen that bridge.
That first night when I overheard what she said to Zayn, it broke me. And I ran. I ran to the drug store on the corner of the street near the hotel and got the biggest bottle of vodka I could find.
My brain wanted to panic so bad, but the drugs wouldn't let me. It just all mixed together, and spit me out in the worst combination ever.
I ended up sitting on the edge of the overpass for hours. I sat there, drinking away the pain until the sun came up and someone stopped to ask if I was okay.
I said I was fine, but in all honesty I wasn't. They said they were worried that I was going to jump and wanted to make sure I was alright, and I just laughed about it.
I would have done it, that was the most painful thing. I sat there and tried to get rid of my problems, but it only felt worse. My body wouldn't let me move and I felt so trapped. I felt like that was my only escape.
I actually thought about it. My brain was shouting at me 'if you jump you won't have to deal with any of this'. And I really thought about it. I cried and stared at my hands just thinking about the mess I caused.
I was so hurt, that I would have let it take over me and let it end me. I didn't want it to, I really didn't. And I was finally able to snap out of it when the drugs wore off.
I said that was the only time I would do it, but I knew it wouldn't. I ran when I could finally leave, I didn't want to be stuck there anymore. I couldn't stand to face Indiana yet so I left on my own. I just wanted to be alone.
I wanted to be alone in my thoughts. I just wanted to be able to understand it. I felt so hurt that the one person that taught me how to be me again was hiding something from me. I didn't want to be mad at her, and I don't think I was, I was lost.
Lost in all the unknown emotions and feelings. I felt something new that night, I didn't know what it was. I also felt like I lost an unknown feeling. A good one that I still don't quite understand, but I felt like I lost a good part of me.
I felt like my old self again. I felt numb, I let the drugs shut me out from the world. I was cold and heartless, I was the Harry I wished would never come back. It did though, and I wanted nothing more than for it to hide away again.
"Where are we?" Indiana spoke up when we were nowhere near the city now, and started to drive up a hilly area.
"We are going somewhere," I said simply as I pulled into one of the parking spots near a sign that read out the name of a trail. "We do have to walk a little bit, hope that's okay."
"As long as you don't murder me, I'm fine." She tried to let out a light laugh but deep down I could see there was a part of her that wouldn't be surprised if that happened.
I just shook my head and turned off the car. When I opened the door, I was hit with the cool October breeze. It was nothing too bad but it still made me shiver. My nerves were mixing with the cool air and I felt my stomach twist.
I watched as she slowly stepped out of the opposite side of the car tightly wrapping her arms around her body. She took slow, cautious steps as she met me at the front of the car. I gave her a soft smile when I could see her face through the dim lighting, I just wanted her to feel comfortable.
All I want to do is hold her hand and laugh with her as we laid under the night sky, but that's not how things can be. It's awkward, and cold. The fire started to go out, and I just want to be able to fuel it again.
"I like your flannel," She spoke up and I looked down at what I was wearing, forgetting the clothes I had on my body. "The color suits you well."
I had on a red and black flannel over a black t-shirt and black jeans, topped with a matching black snapback. Colorful, I know. It's warm, so I don't really give a fuck what I look like.
"Thank you." I said as I sighed, walking down the path to the place I was looking for. "I like yours too."
She gave me a nod before looking back at her feet again. The pebbles scuffed under our feet and I felt my heart beat speed up as we got closer to what I wanted to find. I hope this can be what she needs.
As we got closer and closer, and the heavy trees around us started to lessen, the pit in my stomach only grew. I know this was a big part of her, and I know this is what brings her comfort. I need her to feel that with me.
I need her to know that I'm not mad and I don't want to hurt her. I want her to feel at peace and like she can be herself around me again. So, I brought her to the stars.
"Stars?" Indiana gasped when we met the end of a path that overlooked a cliff.
It was a beautiful sight, it wasn't my first time here. I like to come here late at night when I get stressed. No one ever comes here anymore, and in the night sky it overlooks miles of fields. It's nothing but yourself and the peace of the stars.
I turned to look at her nervously, but felt my own smile take over my face when I saw a bright one on hers. Her eyes were watering as the moonlight glistened across her eyes. They were tears of shock and something else that I couldn't quite describe. She tried to wipe them away quickly, but I just looked down and smiled to myself.
The stars are her comfort, they are what makes her feel the most comfort. The stars light up our dark night sky, and she is my little star that lights up my dark world.
She stared at the overview frozen in her spot, but my gaze was on her. The dim light that danced across her face through the darkness of the night. Her beauty glistening through the sadness.
"Sit down with me?" I asked, holding out my hand before I could realize what I was doing.
I nearly pulled away in embarrassment, but was surprised when she actually grasped my hand. The moment she touched my hand, it felt like I was coming up for a breath of fresh air. That feeling when the sun starts to shine through the rainy clouds.
I took the chance I had, and engulfed her tiny hand in mine as I pulled her closer towards the edge of the cliff until I reached a flat area. I sat down, letting go over her hand because I didn't want to go too far too fast.
I watched as she sat down only a few feet apart from me as she overlooked the stars. The ocean isn't far from here, and if you looked close enough you could see it in the distance. The moon was reflecting off of the dark water and casting its light, mixing with her sparkling stars of the sky.
"How do you feel?" She asked and I watched as she picked at the grass under us. "I want to know how you felt, how you feel now."
It took me a long time to figure out how I felt. I spent days just fighting with myself, and all I wished was to be able to understand it. I spent hours pacing back and forth trying to figure it out, I just wanted to work everything out. To do that, I needed to figure out how I felt.
"Disappointed," I said honestly. It was a new feeling to me, but it was how I felt. "I didn't, I mean I don't think you were lying about who you are. You opened yourself up to me, and I recognize that. It's just I felt so hurt and confused. I felt disappointment."
I really don't think she was lying about her feelings to me, which only made me even more confused.
"You should be disappointed in me," Indiana sighed, hugging her knees to her chest. "I hid something major from you. I didn't think things would get to this point, and I just let it go on and on until I realized it was enough. You deserved to know the truth."
"The truth is a funny thing," I said with a light laugh, and I could see her tense up a bit. "Life is just a vacation from the truth, vacation always ends one day so we have to face the truth."
"You're not like.." She said slowly like she was trying to come up with the right words. "You don't hate me?"
"I could never hate you," I laughed, but it was the truth. "I was confused and scared, my brain was at a very bad place at the time. The more I thought about it, I realized how many hints I missed. But I know, I know you didn't lie to me about who you are truly."
I felt so conflicted. When I actually allowed myself to think about everything, I truly realized how fucking stupid I was. I put everything aside thinking someone like her could never do this type of thing, and boy was I wrong.
I mean the night we met she watched me murder her fucking coworker and didn't freak out. I really was oblivious to it all. And the situation in the mall? I've come to the conclusion that I'm as blind as a bat.
"Yeah," She said as she nodded her head. "I fucked up quite a few times and was a little bit worried when you didn't question who I was. Most twenty year old girls would pass out at the sight of blood."
"I guess you're just special," I laughed as I twisted one of the rings on my finger. "But really, I thought about it so much. I don't want to leave you."
"Why?" Indiana asked, sounding confused. "You should want to leave me, I don't deserve to have someone as pure as you in my world. Fuck, I engaged in this knowing if you knew who I really was you'd absolutely fucking hate me. You still don't even know who I really fucking am, you'd really leave with that one!"
"We'll see about that," I huffed as I uncrossed my legs in front of me. "Who are you really?"
I think I already know the answer to this, for once I actually did some research. If I'm right then I'm honestly going to be embarrassed as fuck.
"The Princess." She said the words I thought would come out of her mouth, and I couldn't tell if I was shocked, thrilled, or confused.
"Shit, no fucking way." I said as my jaw dropped and she looked like she was about to burst out in tears. "Do you know how much of a fucking living legend you are?"
I expected this, I prepared myself for this and I want her to know it's okay. But in all honesty the figure she holds has always scared the shit out of me. I know the type of shit she's done. I know the power she holds, and I've always wondered who the face behind it was.
You hear the name, The Princess, everywhere. Anyone in this industry knows it, you need to look out for it. You never get the real name, or get to meet the face behind it. I guess I should feel honored.
"I guess," She shrugged shyly and I just chuckled. "You don't want to leave?"
"I don't want to leave." I whispered as a breeze of air blew by us.
Indiana just shook her head before she tilted it to look at the stars. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her knees that were pulled into her chest. She looked so lost and thought and like she didn't know what to say.
"I didn't want to tell you like that, really. I wanted to do it calmly, but some fucked up shit happened that I still need to figure out. "I was fucking pathetic for it. I just wanted to-"
"Indiana, stop." I said cutting her off. "You told me, that's what matters. I took the time I needed to process, and it was more than what I wanted. I understand why you did it, and I'm sorry I left you for so long."
"Why are you apologizing?" She let out a dry laugh as a few tears ran down her face. "You should fucking hate me.. you should have left me and never came back. I should have left this fucking tour, but instead I dragged you into my mess.. I put you in a dangerous situation multiple times! You should hurt me, you should want me dead! This was supposed to be nothing.. I was going to do the job and never look back, but you. You. You fucking showed me the light, and I fucking hurt you!"
I could feel my own tears streaming down my face now and I didn't know how to react. She looked so raw and honest as she poured her heart out in front of me, and then there was me. I just stared at her, feeling more lost than ever.
"Harry," She sobbed, pulling at her face trying to wipe up the tears. "Say something!"
"There's more to this than just us," I said speaking the only words I could think of. "There's a lot we need to figure out, but for now I just want to be with you. I don't hate you, we will figure this out."
I just spilled out the words. It hurt, I couldn't lie. To know that the one person I trusted after years of not being able to trust myself lied to me. I know she's who I really met. She is the Indiana I know, and I want to know that person. I always want that Indiana with me.
"I'm sorry," She broke into a thousand pieces in front of me. "You'll always be my moon no matter what, even if I'm not your star. You showed me it's okay, you showed me how to trust again."
"Shh," I said, scooting closer to her. I just wanted to be near her. "I know, you will always be my little star. Do you hear that?"
She gave me a soft nod, and looking into her sorrowed eyes only let one thought into my brain. Before I could even think, I pushed our lips together softly.
Our lips met, and our tongues collided in a wave of peace. To feel her and have her this close to me again, it felt better than anything in the world. It was the same warmth and familiar fuzziness.
It felt so familiar, but also so unfamiliar. I just want to understand it.
My hands cupped her cheeks softly, not wanting to touch any of her bruises. It was so different from anything I've felt before. It was warm and passionate, there was no heat or lust, it was just us. Me and my little star.
"Thank you." I mumbled against her lips softly as I pulled back a little bit. I could feel the tears running down my cheeks, and I just wanted to scream the word I think I finally understand.
After so many years of struggle and fighting, I think I truly understand what it means. I can feel it because of Indiana.
"For what?" Indiana asked, sounding confused. She looked so lost, but also so relieved all at the same time.
Her tears were drying, and the left over glossiness in her eyes shimmered with the night sky. She is so beautiful, she shines in her world no matter the darkness around her. I owe everything to her because she is the reason I know how to say this.
"Thank you for showing me how to feel happiness."