So, before you go
Was there something I could've said
To make your heart beat better?
Warning: This chapter will briefly mention eating disorders
Numb.
That's how I feel. And emotionless, but that might be from the effects of the mass amount of weed I just smoked.
The mass amounts of weed I smoked as I hugged my knees on the floor of Zayn's bathroom. The cool tiles underneath me as my back was pressed against the cabinet. My body rocking back and forth, the only sign of any emotion on me being the dried tears that stained my cheeks.
Zayn's bathroom floor, that's where I am. I couldn't be by myself, god knows what would have happened, but this was the only place I could think of coming to. I haven't told him why I'm in this state currently, and I don't know if I'm going to, at least not yet.
I don't want him to leave me too.
Well, Harry didn't leave me. He made me leave. The sound of him screaming at me to get out was haunting me as it replayed in the back of my mind. I'm confused, but I don't think I should be confused.
He's the one that has the right to feel the way he does, so it doesn't make sense that I'm confused. He said he wanted to talk to me, but he just couldn't do it tonight. I knew what he was going to do, I'm not stupid.
Harry was going to relapse, and take drugs tonight and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Relapse is part of the recovery though, so I know he will be okay and I might be able to help him through this.
Maybe I won't be able to help him through this, but if I can't I will make Zayn. Speaking of Zayn, he is sitting opposite of me with a very concerned look on his face as he smokes a joint. I know I didn't come to him in the best shape, but I needed him.
"Zayn," I cried, banging on his door hoping he was awake. "Please wake up."
The door of his hotel room, and he was shirtless and looked confused before his eyes widened at the sight of me. I knew it wasn't a pretty one, but he would have to deal with it.
"Indiana?" He asked confusedly as he adjusted the grey sweatpants that were laying low on his hips. "What are you doing here?"
"Can I stay here, please?" I asked letting the tears stream down my face, there was no point in hiding how I was right now. I fucked up. "I screwed up, I can't be alone."
The way I ran to him reminded me of how Harry came to me around the time we had first met. When he was in a dark place, he'd always end up running to me, and all I wished right now in this moment was that I could do the same.
My eyes floated to the ceiling as I replayed the moments in my head. I would run to Harry if I had the option. No offense to Zayn, I'm very thankful he let me come in. He could have just left me alone and shut me out, but he was concerned for me and was there for me.
"Yeah, yeah, you can come in." He said opening the door wider so I could trudge my sore body. "Did you see a doctor?"
"I did, yeah." I said quietly and nervously feeling very out of place. "I'll be okay."
"Good, how about you come sit down." Zayn said as he walked into his hotel room. "I can get you a fresh pair of clothes maybe a shower, I'm sure those aren't very comfortable."
I liked that he tried to lighten the mood. Even though he could tell how much I was hurting, he tried to make a joke. It might have been out of pure awkwardness, but that's okay. He could see I wasn't well, both physically and mentally.
I will be okay, at least physically I'll be okay. Harry didn't lie, within twenty minutes of me having a total meltdown on my hotel room floor, and contemplating my whole life there was a doctor at my door.
Part of me was really hoping it would be Harry when the knocks rang through my ear, but I was disappointed when it wasn't. It was a middle aged man who looked disappointed and annoyed to be awake and at some random girls hotel at four in the morning.
I would be too if I was him, but I'm sure he was being paid a lot of money to do this. I didn't question anything he was doing here, and he didn't question any of the marks on my body. It was a win win.
I was seriously lucky to get out of this with only needing stitches on the gash on my arm, a broken rib or two, and a wicked concussion. It could have been way worse, so at least I can be happy about that. The doctor seemed concerned when I winced as he checked out my hand, but didn't ask questions. Just recommended icing and that he could give me a splint if I needed it.
I put it off, like I do with most of my problems and said it was fine. He was stern and very serious when he told me I needed to be careful with my head. He wanted me to try and avoid as much light and activity as possible, and said he didn't want me at concerts. I honestly don't think I'll have this job after tonight, so I won't really have to worry about that.
It was the basic boring doctor stuff as he bandaged my wounds, with the seven to ten day recovery time for my head and around the same amount of time for my arm. The cut of my forehead surprisingly wasn't as deep as it felt, it was just embedded with pieces of the mirror which made it hurt like a bitch.
As he removed them he offered me pain meds, but I wouldn't do that tonight. As much as I wanted to, and just wanted to be distracted from the ache in my heart I wasn't going to relapse again. So suffering through the pain was what I did.
I had already contemplated taking drugs tonight, but I didn't want to escape my problems like that anymore. I also knew it would have a wicked downfall effect, and I really don't want to be like that.
As much as it distracts me for those few hours of time, in reality I'm just pretending to be fine. My brain is just confused and mixed up with everything. I don't use drugs for pleasure, I use them for pain.
Mental pain. The pain that haunts me and flashes through my mind. The worst kind of pain I ever felt was telling Harry the truth, but I couldn't be hurt. It was all because of me.
"Teeny?" Zayn asked quietly and I lowered my head to look at him. "You're crying again."
I didn't even realize you could cry while high. Usually weed covers any sadness I feel, but this is too strong for me to fight.
"Sorry," I mumbled quietly, wiping the tear away quickly. I took another deep inhale of smoke even though I knew I needed to stop, I couldn't.
I thought the weed would cover the pain, and I think it is. I just feel so numb to everything. But what does numb even mean? I know I'm hurt, but maybe I just can't process it right now. I wish I could process things like a normal human, but I rely on wee instead.
It's a funny thing, but weed can actually help with the symptoms of a concussion. Zayn was really concerned when I barged into his room covered in blood and begging for weed.
For the first however long I was in there, he refused to give me weed because he didn't want me to pass out and die. I forced the poor boy to google it for god sake.
"Indiana," He warned, groaning, pulling his phone out as I curled in a ball on his bed. "You shouldn't smoke weed right now."
"Fucking google it!" I yelled not being able to control my anger anymore. "I can smoke goddamn weed with a concussion!"
His eyes widened in surprise at my harsh remarks but he just sighed and opened his phone. You could've sworn I was like a hormonal teenager about to get their period.
Well, I probably was so that would just add to the list of things today.
"See, it says it right there!" I whined pointing to the screen. "Weed is safe to be used and may even withdrawal some symptoms. Perfect."
"Fine, we can smoke then." He sighed, shoving the back into the pocket of his sweatpants. "Can you please shower first though, I don't like blood."
I ended up taking a shower, even though I had just bandaged all my wounds. I don't remember exactly how long I was in the shower for, but it was enough time for Zayn to get concerned.
I was sitting down on the floor of the shower, as the water that was too hot pelted my body. My knees were pulled into my chest as the dark red color washed away beside me. I got so stuck in my head, that I apparently didn't hear him knocking on the door for five minutes straight.
I knew he was just trying to make me feel better when he joked about thinking I had passed out in the middle of the shower, but I wouldn't have been surprised if it happened. I was so dehydrated, and hadn't eaten in god knows how long.
Even though I knew I was starving and needed to drink something, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Zayn had to force me, literally.
"You need to eat something," He sighed as I sat on the ground of the bathroom floor staring at the wall in front of me. "Even if it's just something small."
"I'm not hungry." I deadpanned as my eyes welled with tears again.
I don't know why I'm so emotional, it seems like any time someone says a word to me I just want to burst open and sob. I wonder if Harry feels the same way?
"I know you're not, but you need to." He said, raising his voice a little bit as he began walking out of the bathroom. "You can't smoke until you eat."
I watched as he came back into the bathroom with a shit ton of weed, two water bottles, and some sort of food I couldn't see. He had a sad smile on his face, and I know he's trying his best to make me feel better even without asking questions.
"Are you gonna force me to watch you smoke weed without me?" I tried to make a joke turning to look at him for the first time but I couldn't even get myself to smile.
"Yep," He said, sitting criss crossed on the ground across from me setting all the stuff out on the ground between us. "So it's your choice if you really want to smoke that bad."
"Twinkies?" I asked when he set the food down in front of me as he pushed the water towards me like I was a stray animal.
Yes, Zayn forced me to eat twinkies. He swore it was just because it was the only food he could find, but he really is just a little kid at heart. And I really like that about him.
He comes off as shy and reserved, but also strong and someone if you saw passing on the street you would stare. But in reality once you get to know him he is all warm and mushy. He just wants to be there for others. Maybe it's because he never got that type of comfort when he was younger?
I wish I could be that way. You always see people who have a lot of trauma, are nice and try to be the person they wish they had, but that isn't me. I'm just a bitch, I've never had anyone to be nice and warm to.
Well, I didn't until Harry.
Harry made me want to be a better person, he makes me want to fix myself. He made me want to have a relationship with someone again. I wanted to fight to be better for him.
But sometimes a relationship can't take the truth so you find yourself trying to be someone you're not.
I don't think I was hiding who I was. I showed him the real me, unlike everyone else around me, he saw my scars. He saw the wounds that never healed, he just got twisted up in a wicked hurricane.
I was the one that ruined this though, I engaged with him. I took initiative even though I knew I was hiding the truth from him. I knew it was wrong from the beginning, yet I still did it. I still pulled him into my path, and now I damaged him and spit him back out.
He has every right to completely hate me. I would understand if every fiber in him just wanted to murder me, but for some reason I feel like he doesn't. I know I shouldn't assume things, but he really seemed like he just needed some time to himself.
I didn't want to leave him, I didn't want him to do that shit to himself, but I knew I needed to. I had to let him handle it how he wanted to, because I lost the privilege of helping him.
I wanted him to fix me up, even though I knew I would end up having the fix the path in front of me.
"Zayn?" I spoke up, my voice hoarse from the events that happened, and the thick smoke covering my throat. "If I tell you something, can you promise you won't leave me tonight?"
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore, the weed has taken control of my brain. I just can't keep this to myself anymore. I shoved too many things into the bottle, and now it's ready to explode.
"Uh.. yeah?" He said, sounding confused as he took another drag of the joint. As he exhaled the smoke he tilted his head back exposing the ink that littered the area.
He was still shirtless, and only in a pair of sweatpants and I seemed to be matching him. Plus a Batman t-shirt, but he had given me a pair of grey sweatpants to go along.
I couldn't bring myself to move after I got out of the shower and changed. I just collapsed to the floor and that's when I zoned out and just stared at the wall.
Zayn had come in quietly to check on me after some time, and that's when he had brought me the food. I forced myself to eat, and even though it wasn't anything substantial I was proud of myself for eating.
I've struggled with eating habits in the past. Seven years of being trapped, and barely getting a meal a day didn't help me in the best way. So nowadays, especially when I find things getting tough I just forget to eat, or can't bring myself to do it.
That's why I was proud of myself for eating. I could tell Zayn understood what I was going through. He kept making little jokes and remarks to help me stay distracted and I really appreciated it.
Even though inside it was still my every racing thought, he was keeping me together on the outside.
After I finished eating, he finally let me smoke. He seemed hesitant at first but he had already smoked one joint completely by himself while he watched me eat.
He started to relax as the weed hit him more, and he just acted as if everything was fine. Well, not fine, just as if things were okay for this moment in time. He didn't push me to say anything, he just sat there as my company. We didn't need to speak.
"Promise me," I begged as I looked into his eyes, they were glossed over and tired. "Promise me no matter how pissed you are, you just stay with me until the morning."
Harry also promised he wouldn't leave, but I gave him a reason to. Even though I was half out of my body that night, I remember holding onto him for dear life and begging he won't leave me.
I wish I could do that now.
"I won't leave you, I promise." He said holding his pinky up to me, making me let out a small smile. "No matter how bad this is, I wouldn't let you leave when you're like this."
I felt bad making him promise to me that he wouldn't leave tonight, but I needed him to stay. He has a smile on his face as I intertwine our pinky's and my heart breaks, he doesn't know what's about to happen.
"Okay," I said shakily, running my hands down my pants, the cuts on my wrists apparent. "I fucked up things with Harry. I fucked up things with all of you."
I didn't like the feeling of uneasiness I felt in the pit of my stomach right now. I felt beyond nauseous and even the weed couldn't cover up how nervous I was. I don't know why I thought I could get through this without being anxious, I would've been more concerned if I was a fucking cool bean.
"What do you mean?" He asked, wrapping his arms around his chest as he shifted against the wall. I hated that I had to do this to him, but it needs to be done.
"I'm not just some college student who got a lucky job, I don't even go to college." I let out a chuckle as the words came out of my mouth. The more I thought about it, the more insane it was. "I was sent here on a job. I work for Cruel Blood."
The reaction was just the thing I was least looking forward to. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped before he tried to compose himself. I expected him to react like this, he should. But he didn't get angry or walk away, he just nodded his head to himself trying to grasp it.
"Are you after us?" He asked quietly as he just looked at me, he didn't even raise his voice or anything. He was just calm and sounded confused.
"No, no," I said quickly. It's true though, even though I'm supposed to do anything in my power to get to Desmond. "I'm not here for you, it was just a way to get closer to Desmond. I'm supposed to.. you know."
By the end of my sentence my words were so quiet I'm sure he barely heard them. I just hated that things had to be this way. I just want one thing to go in the right direction in my life.
"Oh," He said nodding to himself, and I anxiously pulled my bottom lip between my teeth to pick at the skin. "Okay."
"Okay?" I said even more confused. He just shrugged his shoulders and I didn't know how to act. This man must have issues if he's not freaking the fuck out.
"Okay," He said reassuring me. "What are you worried about?"
The way he said worried made a chill go down my spine for some odd reason. It was just different, and I didn't like the way it felt. I didn't like the way anything felt now. I felt like my old self.
"I.. I don't know." I said honestly, starting to feel myself get emotional again. "I just hate that I always fuck things up. I don't want to lose Harry, and I don't want to lose you!"
I was full on crying now, and the realization hit me. I really fucked up, and I was deeper in the wrath than I thought. I didn't want to lose the last piece of me that kept me together.
"You won't lose me," He said with a chuckle, and I just felt so confused. "And you won't lose Harry either, I promise."
"How do you know that?" I asked, raising my voice a bit, not knowing how to control myself anymore. "How are you not enraged that I'm not who you fucking thought I was!"
"You are exactly who I thought you were." He said sternly. "Come here, just lay down. It's okay."
I hadn't even realized how much I was shaking when he grabbed my hands and pulled me closer to him. I wanted to protest and not let him touch me, but I couldn't. I was too weak, and he just pulled me into a hug as I sobbed into his chest.
"I lost him," I cried, I cried with her ounce in my body. The tears falling down onto his shoulder. "I'm going to lose you too."
"Indiana, you aren't going to lose me." he said, pulling back, but keeping his grip on my shoulders. "Lay down."
He guided me to lay my head across his lap as he stretched his legs out. I just cried. I couldn't stop it anymore. It was the type of sob that I couldn't control, and it felt like it was never going to end. I was never going to get any air.
My body is so hurt and wound up from what happened in the past day, and my brain is fucked up and confused. I can't even process anything that's happening. My brain won't let me. It won't let me fucking understand that I screwed up once again.
"I'm not mad, I'm just confused." He said looking down at me as he ran his hand over my cheek slowly to try and calm my breathing. "You are exactly who I thought you were. I obviously don't like the idea that you are working for my enemy, but I know you. You are still the same person I've met underneath your strong shell. And Harry knows that too."
"No he doesn't." I cried again just from thinking of Harry. "He made me leave him, he hates me!"
I'm beyond happy that Zayn isn't as pissed as I thought he would be, and I want him to know that but my brain won't let me let go of Harry. I care about him so much, I care about him more than anyone in the world.
Never be scared again.
My mothers words rang through my head, and I tried so hard to fight them. I'm not scared. I'm not scared.
"He doesn't hate you," Zayn spoke, running his hand through my hair. "He just needs some space to process it, I'm sure he will understand it eventually. I can promise you he doesn't give a fuck about his father if that's what you are worried about."
"What if he doesn't come back?" I asked quietly as the realization hit me that he may never speak to me again.
"He'll come back." Zayn gave me a reassuring nod. "I've known him for a very long time, and he cares about you more than anyone he's ever met. He will come back, he's just scared that he's been used but he'll realize sooner or later that he isn't. He knows it."
I wanted nothing more than for Zayn's words to be true. I wanted Harry to be able to understand me again. I wanted him to see me like he did before and not think of me as a backstabbing bitch.
"What if he never wants to see me again?" I asked as a slow tear rolled down my cheek, but his thumb was quick to catch it. "What if I have to leave all of you boys, I'm not even here for my job anymore. I'm here for you guys."
I've never admitted it to myself, but I just said the words without even thinking about them. They were true. I wasn't focused on my job, I've barely done shit for it. I'm here for the moments I make with them. The happiness and the thrill I feel when I'm around them.
"He will want to see you again, I'm sure of it." He said, giving me a tight lipped smile. I know he's trying his best, and I feel horrible for throwing this all on him. "You know how he is though, it takes him a while to understand things so it might be a little bit. But I need you to wait it out. For you, for him, and for me. Okay?"
"Okay." I said just barely audible. I just wanted this to all be a bad dream, maybe I'd just wake up and have a normal life.
"And you aren't going anywhere until we figure things out. I'm assuming him and I are the only ones that know?" He asked and I gave him a shy nod. "Then it's going to stay that way for a while. You are going to stick around with us, we need to figure things out and I will always be here."
"What if he wants me to leave?" I asked the words I didn't want to. I just had to think of it, because I knew it was a very high chance that they could come out of his mouth.
"He won't." He said simply as he gave me a soft smile. "I don't want to hear any more what if's."
"But-" I started but he cut me off with his finger pressing over my lips.
There were so many different scenarios running through my head right now. It's too hard to keep them in my head, I'm a thinker. I overthink every little thing, it's just how I am and right now is not helping me.
"No more buts. I'm here, and I'll be here for you the entire time." His soft brown eyes were pure, as they looked at me filled with a mix of emotions.
"Whatever happens, we'll be alright."