Don't tell me it's over, 'cause I don't want to believe
'Cause now I've opened my eyes and I have found a way to breathe
The truth sets me free
"I need to tell you the truth." Her words echoed through my head and my stomach dropped.
I know everyone keeps something to themselves, and I didn't want her to tell me until she was ready. It can't be that bad, so I didn't want to push her into something.
Or maybe it's because you're scared of the truth.
I won't admit it, but I am. I'm confused and lost in emotion lately, and she's been the only constant in my life. I won't leave her, I promised her.
I'm just scared for what could come out of her mouth. I'm scared I let someone use me once again, and gave myself up for someone who didn't want me for me.
She wouldn't do that though, she's opened her heart to me and shown a different side of her. Just like I've shown her part of the real me.
I'm hiding stuff from her too, she doesn't know about all of my past and trauma. She doesn't know half the shit my father had done or what I have done. But is the truth different than hiding something?
There is a very fine line between the two, and both are morally wrong. Lying is telling someone something different than what the truth is, where as hiding something is just partially or completely hiding it.
Everyone does it, I'm sure there is not one person on this planet that hasn't done it. Just at what point does it cross the line between something small, and something altering?
"Are you sure?" I spoke up as I sat down slowly on the bed placed in the middle of the hotel. "I can explain everything. I think we should wait till the morning, you need a doctor."
She is hurt, I can tell. Indiana is trying to put on a brave face and mask her problems like she always does to help other people.
Her body is bruised and broken, the blood covering her body says it all. She has a cut along her forehead, on top of cuts on both of her arms and her thigh. It made a chill go down my spine, it was wounds from knives.
"No, Harry." She said as she sat down on the bed next to me, grabbing my hand to caress her thumb over it. "I can explain everything."
"What do you mean you can explain everything?" I was confused and watched as her face dropped, she is really nervous, I can tell. "This is my fault."
I'm confused, I feel like I'm missing something major. I know I don't know how to handle things, but I'm just confused now. I don't know how she would be able to explain everything that's happened, it just doesn't make sense.
"No it's not, Harry." Indiana's words were slow and she took a deep breath, making her chest shake before she spoke again. "I've been lying to you."
Fuck.
This is exactly what I was scared of. It was just another person who didn't want me for me. It's always the same result over and over, no one is really who they say they are. I'm tired of letting myself get caught up in this shit.
"Lying to me?" I said even more confused than I was before, I dropped her hand, and she looked upset but also like she expected this. "About what?"
"I'm not who you think I am." She said quietly as she looked down at her hands now. "I didn't want it to be like this, but you deserve to know the truth."
I deserve the truth? Apparently I don't deserve shit if everything good that ever comes to me always goes fucking haywire.
"Then who the fuck are you?" I spit a bit more aggressively than I intended to. I stood up from the bed, making her jump in her spot as if I was going to jump on her and I just shook my head in disappointment. Does she really think I would hurt her?
"Harry, please just sit down." She said quietly with a plead as her eyes started to water. "Let me explain everything to you, I'll go all the way from the beginning."
Her eyes were filled to the brim with tears, and they looked like they were just about to burst out. They aren't her normal golden bright brown, they are dark, they are hurt, they are worried. Her skin is pale and she looks like she could pass out at any second.
"Don't tell me what you don't want to tell me." I sighed as I sat down on the bed again. I ran my hands through my hair nervously as I watched her give me a shy nod.
I hate seeing her like this. So different from her strong demeanor. I know she's hurting underneath, all day every day, but she knows how to stay strong and to cover it up. Seeing her in front of me like this right now, she looks so broken and distraught.
I'm not a total dick. I would never force someone to tell me something so personal just because they owe me an answer. I don't want her to force every little detail of her life out of her just to please me, I want her to tell me what she wants.
Yes, in reality a perfect explanation would be nice. But this isn't how the world works. We aren't robots that have no emotions and power through stuff. As much as we try to hide it, we are really people, and we fight daily struggles.
I know how hard she has fought. I haven't even had time to process what she told me the other night about her childhood, so I can't even begin to imagine how she must feel on the inside. Our books as humans are long, and full of complicated words that we don't understand, and I've only read a chapter out of hers.
"I just want to tell you how I got to this point in my life," She said, giving me a sad look. "If you want me to just cut to the chase or stop at any point let me know. Okay?"
"Okay." I said quietly as I twisted one of the rings on my finger as an anxiety thing. I really don't know how this could go right now, but I have very mixed feelings. "I don't want you to feel pressured to say anything you don't want to."
"I know, I won't." She said, giving me a reassuring nod and squeezing one of my hands before dropping it. "Do you remember how I told you I had been abducted when I was seven?"
Oh, we are going way back. This isn't looking too hot.
"I do," I spoke as I looked at my hands, not really knowing what to say. "Are you okay?"
"We aren't going to talk about how I am right now," She said and I snapped my head up to look at her surprised. "I don't want to go off topic, or put this aside."
Put this aside? She was abducted for fucks sake. If anything we should be talking about how she is coping more than we should be talking about whatever we are now. She obviously hasn't talked to anyone about it and I don't know how she's even here to see this day.
The shit she must have gone through, it was probably unimaginable. I wouldn't have lived to see another fucking day if it happened to me. Even though the life I had lived with my family was god awful, I would have never survived being taken by someone else. I'm not strong enough.
"Well," Indiana continued speaking after a few moments of silence. "I was there for about six years, so from the ages of seven and thirteen I was held captive."
My eyes widened as she spoke, and hers never met mine. It looked like she was opening up to herself as she spoke, admitting something she never wanted to tell herself. I could watch and see as the flashbacks started to hit her, his breathing wavered and it was just like how I felt in my moments. She is stronger though, she can push through it and speak on it.
"They did unspeakable things to me," She said, her eyes finally looking up to meet mine. Stray tears were rolling down her cheeks, and I hesitantly reached my hand out to wipe them away. "And one day I want to be able to admit them to you, but I can't even admit them to myself yet."
"You can tell me one day when you're ready." I said, giving her a soft smile as a sign of comfort. "I promise."
I hope.
I won't break a promise, promises are forever. A broken promise is like a broken heart. It's just a lie, and I hate lies. I don't make promises unless I mean them and I can keep them.
"He did very bad things to me, and he published them for people to see." She said sniffling and my heart broke. "I thought it was never going to end, until one day it did."
I knew what she meant, she didn't even have to say the words but the fucking thoughts made my blood run cold. The fact people fucking do that for a living, the fact they do that to children enrages me. I feel so sick, it just disgusts me.
"Oh, Indie," I said quietly as she started to break down and let out a strangled sob. "Did he rot in hell?"
"No," She said wiping the tears from her eyes, and I tried my best to keep my jaw from dropping. "I don't know what happened to him, I'm sure he's still doing it. It's just that someone saved me."
This fucker is still running around to see another day? I'm gonna find out who it is and find them on my own and strangle him with my own bare hands then I chop his dick off and make him choke on it. I'm fucking pissed that these people just get to walk around on this planet.
Not that what I do is fucking angelic, but I don't abduct and rape children to put on the goddamn internet. I know the shit that has been done with those types of things. There's sick websites that these fuckers have posted it on, I've had a few jobs where I've dealt with the people behind them. I wish I could kill every single one of them.
"I'm glad somebody helped you," I said with a smile trying to make her feel any better than she was right now. "We can find that man, I'll take every single one of them down."
"I've tried to find him, Harry." She said, her voice starting to waver and I could tell her nerves were picking up. "I didn't just get saved by someone normal or the cops, I was saved by someone who made me who I am today."
I shifted uncomfortably on my spot, feeling my own nerves start to kick in. The pit at the bottom of my stomach was building higher and higher, and my ears were starting to pound. It's the feeling when you know something is about to happen.
It's the feeling or trepidation.
"Who saved you, Indiana?" I asked, getting the hint she was leaning towards. This is where shit is about to hit the fan, I can feel it.
This is the now or never moment she has, and she has to take the leap and hope the ice doesn't break under her.
"I was saved by someone who helped me from my weaknesses, but he is a dark man," Indiana spoke, moving her eyes to look at mine. Her face was emotionless except for the silent tears rolling down her cheek. "I was saved by Hugo Callahan."
"What?" I said barely audible as I felt my body go numb.
This is the one thing I was not expecting. The happiness, and the light in my life, my little star to be connected to my greatest enemy. I felt myself shut off everything before my world shattered around me.
This is way more fucked up than I thought it was.
"Harry, please just let me finish explaining." She said tugging at my hand and I hadn't even realized I was standing up. "Please."
The tears were full on sobs now. The hot streams were running down her face as she tugged on my arm. I pulled it harshly out of her grip, not recognizing the feeling I felt right now. She looked like she had been stung when I pulled my hand away.
"Explain what?" I yelled as I tugged my hands at the roots of my hair. It was the only distraction to take away from the mental pain I felt. "The fact you are fucking using me for what? To get information on me?"
"Harry, please." She cried even louder, and I tried to calm down my rapid breathing. "I'm not using you, I wouldn't fucking do that! I wanted nothing to do with you."
Her words stung me, but I knew she was just trying to get me to realize it was true. I really don't think she would use me like that, but maybe I'm just trying to hide the fact that I am going to end up hurt and alone again?
"Then what are you doing here?" I screamed, making her flinch when I punched my arm into the drywall, making it leave a massive hole.
I didn't want to yell at her, or act this way around her but I couldn't control it. It's just how I react when I get scared of being hurt again. How I react when I know things are going to be a shitshow.
"I'm on a job here, I work for Hugo. I have for seven years." She said the words I didn't want her to admit even though I already knew they were true. "I didn't want to do this, and when I got forced to I didn't want anything to do with any of you. I tried to keep to myself, but you showed me a different side of me. I wanted to tell you this whole time but I couldn't. I didn't want to lose you."
I don't want to lose you either.
"Indiana," I warned, trying to control my anger. "What are you doing here?"
I don't know if I'm mad at her, or just mad at the world that everything in my life has to go wrong. I can't believe for once in my life I thought something would go normal, and I might actually have a shot at rebuilding myself.
"I'm on a job posing as your stylist so I can get closer to my target," She said, stopping part way through her sentence to choke on a sob. "I'm going to murder your father."
What the fuck?
I don't give a fuck if my father is alive or dead, and in all honestly my life would be much better without him. I won't put aside the countless times I've tried to hurt him, or plotted to hurt him, I've just some weird fucking connection to him even though he's hurt me so bad. He still has me on a leash.
I feel so lost and confused. If I thought understanding and processing my emotions before was hard, then this is a fucking arduous journey. And apparently it's never going to fucking end.
"Please leave." I said not even looking into her eyes, I couldn't handle it right now.
"Harry, no." She said standing up from the bed as she tried to walk towards me but I put my hand up and stepped back to warn her. "Please, don't just shut me out. Talk to me."
I want to talk to her, but I can't. This is too much for me, and it's dangerous to have her around me right now. I can't control myself anymore and she needs to leave.
"Indiana, just go." I said waving my hand at her. "I'll send a doctor to your room, I just can't talk to you right now. I need time to myself to think."
To think, that's one way to put it.
I know that's not what is going to happen, but I don't care. I knew it was going to happen at some point and I don't need her here for it. It's the cycle of life, and this is how I handle my shit.
"Harry-" She tried to plead again, but I cut her off. Her face was sorry, and truthful I could tell, but I couldn't take looking at it right now.
"Indiana, I told you to fucking leave!"