To tell the truth
I just want my youth back
The life that was ripped from me
"You fucked up, Harry." My father's voice sent chills down my spine as the words came out of his mouth. "You know what that means.."
The knife slashed through my skin, layer by layer until the red crimson color began to flow out of me. The blood draining out of my body and another scar to be made. The first of many that I would get today.
"No, father!" I begged, my skin already burning with the pain he was putting on me. "Please don't do this I'm sorry."
"That's not an excuse." He spit out, rage seething through his teeth. "Now fucking listen before I purposely throw the knife straight into your heart."
I dragged my disheveled body, my school uniform stained red with blood already, finding that spot I had become so familiar with.
This is all my fault.
"What do you say Harry?" My fathers voice was loud through the ringing in my ears as the world shut out around me. "Say it."
I watched as he stood in front of me, the knife slick within his hand and ready to be thrown at me. It had become a growing fear, and I knew what it's consequences were.
"I'm sorry!" I screamed as the tears streamed down my face. The hot tears were seeping out of my eyes as I did anything in my favor to protect myself. "Please father, I'm so sorry!"
"Wrong." His voice deadpanned as a grin took over his face. "You know what that means.."
Before I could even react the knife was soaring at me like I was in slow motion. I couldn't move but I could see it coming right at me. It was going to hit me right in the spot..
"No!" I screamed and my eyes shot open as my body flung up from the bed. My heart was beating out of my chest and sweat was covering me. It felt so real, it felt like I was there like the little boy in my dreams, and the coward I still am today.
"Harry?" I heard her soft voice and looked over to her through the darkness and she was propped up staring at me. "Are you okay?"
Fuck. I did it again.
I let myself stay here with her, and here I am exposing my deepest cuts that haven't healed once again. I don't know why I always fucking stay with her, I've never stayed with anyone else in my life.
She just brings me so much comfort.
"What happened?" I heard the comfort in her voice as she flicked on the lamp on the bedside table and took my hands into hers. I know she could feel me shaking as my sweaty palms grasped into hers as my lungs begged for air. "Bubs? You can talk to me."
I instantly felt relief at the nickname, feeling like I could finally breathe some air. She didn't push me to talk, she just ran her hand up and down my back as her other hand interlaced with mine. She knew just the way to comfort me, like she had struggled with this before.
I don't even remember how I convinced her to stay here last night. After we fucked we somehow wounded up fucking in the shower again a couple hours later and it was the best sex of my life, the way she let me be rough with her like no one else had before.
She ordered us room service and begged to let us watch Grey's Anatomy together which I eventually gave in, and actually enjoyed it. We were acting all like a couple and shit, but I knew that this was nothing like anything before so it wasn't even a relationship.
I liked the sex, and definitely enjoyed doing things with her, we had a lot of the same interests and she understood a lot about me. But it would never be anything more than fuck buddies or coworkers, I wouldn't let that happen.
I'm always so confused with my feelings, I never understand anything I feel. I wish I could just process things like a normal human being.
The way she comforted me and understood me in times like this always confused me. No one ever saw this side of me, yet she saw it over and over again and didn't put me down or think I was delusional. She was there for me.
"I'm fine." I spit out through the tears in my eyes, pulling my hands from her to wipe my face. I just stared at the wall in front of me as memories raced through my mind.
The memories and pain haunted me. Even though I couldn't feel it anymore, that lasting sting was always dragging along with every step I took. The scars would always remind me of every time I fucked up. Every time I did something wrong and ruined everything.
"Nightmare?" She asked shyly, her eyes never peeling off of me.
No one has ever seen me in this position. The sheer embarrassment I felt was running through my veins and taunting me. No one would want to see me like this, let alone ever talk to me after knowing what it was about.
"No." I lied even though I knew she would read right through me. She always pointed out those things and knew when I was lying.
"It's okay, Harry." She gave me a soft smile as her warm hand ran up and down my back. "You don't have to be embarrassed, I get them too. I'm not going to push you to tell me anything, but just know I'm here if you want to talk."
Of course she has them too. She's probably just bullshitting me to get information, but is she really that type of person?
"You have them too?" I asked quietly, turning to face her. She looked sad and worried as she sat crisscrossed in front of me.
"I do." She said, she wasn't lying, there was complete truth behind her words. "I told you some fucked up shit happened to me."
"Oh.." I said under my breath feeling at a loss of words. She always seems to understand me, no matter what it is. "I'm sorry you had to see that. I should go."
"Harry sit your ass down. This is your room." She said quickly when I moved to get off the bed. "I'm not going to let you go take some pills to try and distract yourself."
I looked at her in shock when she knew exactly what I was going to do. That's what I was going to do, find some drugs because I have so much access to them and then get high enough to the point I don't remember it.
"Yes. I know, I'm not stupid." She shrugged as I sat back down on the bed, still in shock. "It's what I used to do. We are a lot more alike than you think Harry."
"We feel lost and on that bridge between feeling everything and feeling nothing. You feel like you can't breathe, and you just want to be free and have a break." She continued talking, not letting me interrupt once.
"You want to be a dove. You want to be free and at peace but it feels like you will never get that. I understand that Harry, I am stuck with that goddamn feeling every minute of every day. Call me weird but I know exactly how you feel and I'm not going to let you go fuck it up to try and distract yourself." She spoke with every fiber in her body taking me by surprise when she finally let out a breath signaling she was done.
"I'm sorry.." I spoke under my breath feeling at a loss of words. Every word she spoke felt like bullets flying through me and hitting every wound that I never let heal. Her words were true though, they were so true and I couldn't let myself accept that.
"You have nothing to be sorry for." Her voice came out calming. "I know what I said was probably a lot, and fuck- I can't even accept the words myself even though I say them, but together we can try and figure it out."
"I just feel like I dump everything onto you. I always come running to you when I'm at a low." I said honestly looking at her. "I'm a fucking hurricane and I pull everyone into my storm and tear them up."
"Harry, I wouldn't help you if I didn't want to." I looked into her eyes as she spoke just watching as they flickered. "We are all fucking hurricanes, we are all our own little storms, but one day the storm will die. Storms don't last forever."
I just stared at my hands, missing the rings on my fingers that I had taken off after last night's events. I picked at my nails, not really knowing what to say when she spoke again.
"Can you get me a car?" She asked, making me snap my head up.
"Indiana, it's 5:00 am where are you going?" I watched as she stood up with only my t-shirt covering her. "I have one here, but that's besides the point."
"I'm taking you somewhere." Was all she said as she walked around looking for clothes but remembering all she had was her bathing suit.
"You can wear the hoodie I have over there." I pointed to the hoodie that had been draped over the chair, watching as she pulled the shirt off without thinking twice. I liked that she was comfortable with me seeing her and didn't care. I also really liked her in my clothes which is something I've never let anyone do.
"Get up cranky, we got somewhere to go." She said looking me dead in the eye as she pulled her shorts over her. I groaned and got up from the bed, pulling on a pair of shorts and a hoodie and placed a snapback hat over my messy hair.
"Where's your keys?" She asked when walking to the door of my hotel room and swinging it open.
"You are driving?" I asked and she nodded her head. I grabbed the keys off of the table and followed her out of the room. "Are you sure you don't want to just go back to bed?"
"Nope." She smiled as she dragged me through the hotel. "It's my turn to take you somewhere."
I thumped my feet behind her and rode down the elevator before taking her to the same classic yellow convertible we have been using this whole time. It was my favorite car I have and I rarely used it, but it deserved to be pulled out for this trip.
"You better not crash my car." I groaned when she started the car.
"I won't." She smirked at me before turning the radio up and driving away. It was still dark out as we drove and the breeze was blowing through the car with the music playing.
It was a nice trip, just to have a couple days and relax with no shows or jobs. I was excited to get back into it, but it was always nice to get a break. It became too much sometimes and I got very overwhelmed.
That's where my nightmare must have come from. I've been super overwhelmed and it probably triggered my nightmare. I was feeling a lot calmer and could actually somewhat control my thoughts but my body was itching to take something.
I knew I would relapse eventually, but I wouldn't let myself as long as Indiana was around. That would be wrong of me. She'll be gone in seven months anyways and I'll never see her again, so I would just have to hold on until then, unless things got too hard.
"Stop pouting, Harry." I heard her voice through the loud music as the wind blew through her hair letting it fly everywhere. She was resting her head in her hand against the door as she steered with the other hand. She wasn't even looking at me, yet she could read my face.
"I am not pouting." I said simply, reaching to change the channel on the radio to play something other than basic pop music. "I'm just thinking."
"What are you thinking about?" She asked when leaning to change the radio back, making me mad.
"I don't want to fucking listen to this!" I said a bit more aggressively than I intended. She turned her head to look at me with a stern look on her face.
"And I don't want to listen to your bitchy attitude." She deadpanned before turning the music up again, right as she turned it up one of our own songs started playing and she smirked at me and I shouted a "Fuck you!"
She taunted me with the words of the song making sure to whack my hand extra hard when I tried to change it again. If there was one thing that pissed me off beyond belief, it was hearing my own music on the radio. It's fucking awkward.
"Where are you taking me anyways?" I asked over the music as she sang the words very loud. Her fingers were tapping against the steering wheel as she read some sign on the road at the stoplight. It was way too early to be playing music this loud in a car.
"Did I say you could ask questions?" She said sternly before taking a sharp turn like she was reaching her destination. I could tell we were closer to the ocean, the salty scent filling my nostrils.
"Did I say you could be a bitch?" I mocked her American accent making her jaw drop. A genuine laugh took over my body as I watched her reaction. I noticed that everything felt real around her. No forced smiles or laughs. Real ones.
"Glad to see you are back to your normal self." She said looking back at the road as she took another turn. It was a more private area where we were driving now.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I asked, making a face at her words. I am always nice to her, I can show her what mean is if that is what she would like. I have done things with girls I would have never done before and she should be grateful for that.
"You are cranky and ignore me unless you want to fuck me." She shrugged and I just stared at her intensely. I know she could feel my eyes piercing into her. "Just kidding. A little bit. But actually I have done a lot of things with you that I never have with anyone else."
"What are those things?" I questioned, intrigued by what she was saying, I wanted to know more. "I have done new things with you too."
"Well for starters, I have never really opened up to anyone about my addiction issues or my past. I have never genuinely hugged anyone before. And you were the first person I have ever cuddled with." She spoke nervously and I was honestly shocked. I knew she was awkward and nervous when she asked to hug me, and I felt the same way but it felt so right. "Your turn Mr. Secret Keeper,"
"I can say the exact same things, and you are the only person who has ever seen me in the state you did earlier. You were the first person I ever stayed the night with." I opened up telling her the truth. "You really haven't cuddled anyone before?"
"Nope." She shrugged as she pulled into a parking lot. "You don't get to say anything about it because you hadn't either."
"You are such a softie, that surprises me." I teased knowing she wouldn't like my words. "You really seemed to like it last night when I was choking you out, the bruises look nice."
"I am not soft. I could fuck you so hard that you wouldn't even remember your own name. All you would do is beg for more." Jesus fucking christ. I knew she liked to dominate, but not like that. I have never done that before but something about it was so intriguing and I wanted more. "Got you with that one didn't I."
"Does that mean we get to fuck again?" I asked trying to control my dick before she noticed. Her words gave me too many ideas and they were all running through my mind.
"I don't see the harm in it. It doesn't mean anything." She spoke as she shut off the car turning the radio off. It doesn't mean anything, does it? What the fuck am I thinking, of course it doesn't mean anything. "As long as I don't get fired."
"You won't get fired." I laughed as I sat in the car still. "You really don't have a boyfriend?"
"Or girlfriend.." She added but quickly shut her mouth. "Sorry"
"What the fuck are you sorry for." I asked, it honestly didn't affect me at all with whatever sexuality she was or whoever she fucked. "Why would that change anything?"
"I don't know. The last relationship I was in, he didn't like that I was bi and fucked girls." She said quietly as she stepped out of the car. My hoodie was massive on her but it looked so cute.
Cute? What the fuck am I saying.
"Well that's why he is your ex now." I said and she muttered a quiet 'yeah' under her breath. "I honestly don't care Indiana, you can fuck whoever your heart desires. Really it doesn't bother me."
"Thanks, H. It means a lot knowing someone doesn't care." She smiled and I smiled when I heard the familiar nickname she had used a couple of times. "But no, I don't really do relationships after my last one. What about you?"
"Never been in one." I shrugged, stepping out of the car. As crazy as it sounds, I never have. I have had little flings or whatever, but I have trust issues and just have never felt that need. "Love is dead, am I right?"
"You are right." She sighed as I followed behind her down a path. I caught up to her and for some reason felt the need to slip my hand into hers. I don't know what for, but it felt right. "Friends don't hold hands, Harry."
"Who said we were friends?" I joked making a disgusted face and made her laugh. She had such a bright and glowing smile, but she rarely showed it off. "And why does it matter, we can do whatever we want."
"I'm just kidding, friends can hold hands." She said quietly like she was hiding something. "Are you excited to get back on the road?"
"Yeah, I guess I am." I noticed how she wanted to change the conversation, so I just let the rest of that one go and listened to this one. "It was a nice break, but I like doing the show. It makes me feel normal for about five seconds."
She laughed along with me, the wind blowing through her brown locks as we reached a beach. It was a beautiful beach and the night sky was reaching its end. The day ahead was beginning to poke through and was rising through the ocean. The warm, golden sun was starting to shine through, glistening onto Indiana's skin. She had a nervous smile on her face and bit her slip slightly as she looked at me and back to the beach.
"You brought me to see a sunrise?" I smiled looking into her eyes, seeing instant relief. She nodded her head slowly and I felt so happy. "You did this for me?"
"Shut up, you have done so much for me." She spoke as she pulled me farther down the beach so we were sitting down in the sand watching the ocean. "Do you like it?"
"I love it." I said excitedly as I sat down next to her. She leaned her head against my shoulder and I felt so warm and happy. "No one has ever done anything like this for me.."
"You have done things for me that I could never have imagined someone doing, Harry." She said quietly as her head stayed against my shoulder and she looked out into the water. "You have shown me places I could only dream of, you understand me, and I owe you for being there for me. So let me bring you here, let me show you the sunrise because it is the least I can do."
With that I just sat there in silence. I didn't need to say anything else and neither did she. It was just us sitting there watching the sun rise with the beautiful ocean in front of us, our last few hours of peace. Just us.
At first there appears to be a tiny ball at the horizon. It slowly comes out of the shadow of clouds, increasing in size. We just looked at it. The waves of the seas splash the land gently and that is the only sound we can hear. The sun is bright, and the warmth of the rays emitting from it are making my body go crazy. Goosebumps rise on my skin and I forget everything for a moment. Absolute peace and then I see it all. My eyes can't take any more. The amount of visuals I see are mind boggling. The vast expanse of sea in front of me filled with unknown stories and millions of moments that have been shared here. The beauty of the water is all I can see, the cool breeze of air filled with happiness. This is it.
"I feel like a dove" I whispered just barely so she could hear it
Authors Note
Make sure to vote if you are enjoying it :)