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Sam's POV

S: No! No! No!
I agree, Mon! I agree!
Please don't leave me!
Please! I'm sorry!
I'll do anything you want, Mon!

(Just then, I saw the biggest smile on my lover's face.

Mon then ran to me and hugged me...tight!

I could feel her fears and his exhaustion with her trembles and tears

She was afraid of letting me go!

My Mon was scared too, and all I could do was cry with her.

It took a while, but we calmed down, and now I could see again my Mon's beautiful smile

I missed that smile.

I haven't seen Mon smile like this for a very long time.

Most times, I even ask myself if she's happy with me.

She fakes her smile a lot, and I pretend not to notice

This is why I have this grappling fear that Mon will leave me.
She thinks she's good at hiding her emotions, her pain, her frustration... but Mon, I see them all

I know it hasn't been easy.
Being with me had always been hard, but especially so recently.

I know my actions have been driving a wedge between us

I know I have been an utter mess!

I know! I know!!

I'm frustrated at myself, too, but what could I even do?!

I can't control it!

The voices!
The doubts!
The frustration!
The loneliness!
The fear of being consumed!
The pain of hurting you!

It's not like I didn't try!

The problem is I can't stop myself from thinking about everything, and it's driving me insane!

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

Why is it so hard to admit I am weak?!

That I no longer have the control I was so proud of?

Why is it so hard to admit that I'm falling apart?

Mon is right, I am afraid!
I'm not trying!
I'm running!

what am I even afraid of?

The damn voices that I'm pretending not to hear?

The hollow pain I constantly feel?

The thoughts stuck in my brain that I could never tell a soul about?

Mon asked me why couldn't I open up in my sessions?

And the answer is because I don't know where to start
Or how to start

It feels like once I start, I'd just fall apart
Will I ever be able to climb back up if I lay everything down?

Ughhhh! This is so annoying!
Why does everything have to be so complicated?!

All my life, I was told to keep it in!
To hide all of my weaknesses
To not have a weakness!

I was taught that my emotions were never meant to bind me or control me!

I was always told to let my brain overrule over everything

My heart was a weakness, and I couldn't let it win!

We don't love, we control!
We own! We overpower!

Let no one have the power to hurt you, Sam!

Don't let anyone have the satisfaction of seeing you cry

Smile, Sam!

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