CHAPTER 4 : FEAR

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I found our moment so perfect that I couldn't make myself break the spell

There were still a lot of words left unsaid, and Sam was doing all she could to avoid it

We haven't even started talking about her issues yet, but I just didn't know how to talk it out with someone who is clearly denying them...

It's not all Sam's fault, I too was partly to blame

I was avoiding pushing her to talk about it too, because I was dreading her answers

I knew... I knew how much i have hurt Sam, but knowing about it and hearing it directly from her is totally different.
Imagining Sam's face telling me how much I have hurt her and even that is already plain agony. Now imagine dealing with it for real.

I was so scared of her blaming me

I was so scared of her hating me

But most of all, I was so scared of her still saying she was tired of everything and still wanted to kill herself.

How could I even handle that?
There's absolutely no way it would end well.

I know I probably wouldn't be able to stop her if she really wanted it, so the only response I could live with is, "Let's go do it together."

So yeah, as stupid as it may be, I would just probably tell her...

Let's go Sam.

Let's take the plunge together

If u can't take it anymore, then bring me with you because living without you is something i am not willing to undertake.

This is why I needed us both to be stronger because we can not do this to each other.

I know we both needed to get this off our chest,

I know we needed to prove that we are strong enough for each other and that we could be our own support system

I know that we can work through this together Sam...

But I was afraid knowing that I wasn't strong enough to catch us both when we finally break down and lay everything bare...

Being honest with one another is what we were both running away from...

Knowing we both weren't strong enough to handle it

Knowing we were both trying our best to play pretend...

Too scared of what it would do to our fragile minds

Too scared of not being able to stop each other

It's funny actually how we could value something so much yet choose to avoid it at the same time

Sam doesn't want to hurt me, so she is carrying all the weight even after knowing she can't handle it,

This, in turn, is slowly eating her alive

Me on the other hand, was busy walking on eggshells... afraid of pushing her and pushing myself past the brink of no return.

I was stuck between what I know I had to do and what I know you needed me to do.

This was slowly breaking me Sam

We both knew what honesty would bring

Pain, drama, hurt & trauma

In other words, HONESTY for us right now is the embodiment of all our fears

One that we crave the most but was terrified to have.

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If Sam claimed to have known me the best in this world,
It was undeniable that I knew her the best too

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