CHAPTER 7 : REGRETS

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I never made u choose because I knew what u were going to choose from the very beginning

I could never win Sam

I never stood a chance

I never did

(at this point, my tears were falling non-stop and i was shaking. I couldn't even talk straight without hiccuping and choking from my own tears
I was surprised Sam could still understand me

She tried to come to me to hug me but I gestured to her no,
Shaking my head desperately
Knowing that there was still more that I had to say and if she hugs me now, i would just lose myself in her hug and lose my will to continue talking)

M: I know this isn't an excuse Sam, but I was so desperate!

It hurt so much!

It was unacceptable leaving u Sam!

She wouldn't even allow me to contact you Sam!

(I heard a growl from the background and I knew it was from Sam.

I tried my best to ignore her obvious look of rage and pain and focused on continuing)

I didn't know what to do!

How could I just disappear on you like that?!

How could she even think that I could afford to?!

Leaving u was torture enough Sam and now I had to let u go completely?!

It was too cruel Sam!

(I was almost hyperventilating at this point and I was nearly shouting but I still kept Sam at a distance.

The absence of Sam's warmth was excruciating, because she was all I needed right now!

I was so desperate to run to her
I wanted to hug her
To kiss her but knew that I couldn't)

M: I thought of a thousand ways to tell you that I needed space.
but I just couldn't do it Sam!

How can I say it and make u believe it?!

I wasn't even sure if I wanted u to believe it because that was the last thing I wanted!

Deep down I was hoping that u would find out Sam, so this could all be over

U said u knew me the best right?

Then how could u have believed me when I said that I wanted to leave u?!

(I said that a little too forcefully and was feeling guilty. I didn't want to blame Sam. This wasn't her fault. It's just being vulnerable sucks!)

I want u to know that I was losing my mind Sam!

I just couldn't keep it together!

I was so desperate!

So insecure!

I didn't know if you would still be waiting for me when I came back
Or even if you waited, would we still be the same?!

A lot can happen in a couple of years Sam!

We've been together for even less of that!

I didn't even know if I could ever come back!

I didn't know if I still had you to come back to!

I was constantly haunted by thoughts I couldn't get myself away from

All I knew was your grandmother hated me and wanted me away

I surely thought that she will use our time apart to introduce u to new people and I didn't want to doubt your love for me Sam but I wasn't thinking straight at that point!

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