GAP 3: FOREVER STARTS NOW

CHAPTER 4 : FEAR

Sam promised to be honest with me...
To let me in...

She allowed herself to be just Sam when she was with me

She wanted me to be the one that could see her...
The real her...

And like the greedy person that I was, I grabbed it wholeheartedly...

i was unable to ignore how special it made me feel...

I enjoyed every bit of her that only I could unravel until it became a drug that consumed me.

And now, that came back to bite me because, try as Sam might to hide her sorrow from me,
I could still see it
I could still feel it in every fiber of my being

She couldn't have hidden it from me even if she wanted to, and I didn't want her to either

It was just giving me mixed emotions

I didn't know if I should be happy that I could see her suffering, or be broken because I could

I guess, knowing that I couldn't do anything about it

Knowing that i couldn't make her feel better or even talk to me that's making me feel useless and depressed

Sam and I were suffering and we were both trying to hide it from each other

and we were both failing

Sam knew this was bound to only get worse,

But she was still silently begging me to let it go...

And seeing how much she needed it, i did...

But how long can we leave things like this Sam?

I wanted to wait until you were more stable... Both mentally and emotionally

I didn't want to open your wounds again when you were still unprepared for it, becuase God knows how agonizing that would be for the both of us, but I don't know what to do Sam!
I want u to stop hurting!

You asked me for more time and I gave it to you but damn it!
It has been weeks Sam!
How much longer do I have to wait?!

Then on a normal boring day,
i don't know...Maybe it was the built up frustration or maybe It was the fact that I hardly slept and was just too tired...

But I felt my patience waning dangerously low

Then when I saw you staring out the hospital window, unfocused and unmoving for God knows how long and for how many times already today

I just snapped

For others that don't know you Sam, they might say that u looked rather serene, calm and at peace

But you could never hide it from me and u never did

All I could see Sam, is the exact opposite from the truth you were so desperately trying to project to the world

All I see is
Pain...
Suffocation...
Desperation...

Is this your way of asking for help Sam?

Is it space or help that u need?
I just don't know anymore! This is so frustrating!

I haven't felt as alone as I do now Sam

The only other feeling that came close was when I was forced to leave u

I knew you loved me

I knew you are just hurting

I knew you just needed time Sam but this hurts so freaking much