(I'm so sorry for the late review)
Author: @mahjabin86
Chapters: 10 chapters (This included the Prologue)
Genre: Vampire
Specific: Character development, enjoyment, grammatical errors and if it hooks the reader
Book
Cover-
I love the current cover you're using, and I've liked a few previous ones too. It has that mysterious and fantasy-like vibe to it.
I'm starting to think that "Angel" used in the title reflects the first encounter where she believes his Angel story.
Blurb-
Your blurb is good, but it should be written in the present tense, and not in the past.
For example,...
"It's a bloody world. Betrayal, revenge, conspiracy and wrath are common in this realm. Supernatural creatures rule the Empire and treat humans like a trifle. And no, the humans here aren't as innocent as you may think because something in the past, stirs the cold-blooded creatures to counterattack the humans."
(This is an example of what it could look like in the present tense).
Grammar-
(Prologue)
Your example...
"But those who were still outside, their family was becoming sick worried."
This sentence doesn't make sense because of the "...becoming sick worried."
You can add an adjective to piece the sentence together or by changing the sentence structure and joining it on to the previous sentence.
A suggestion would be...
"The people of Waracia went back to their homes to save themselves, as for the ones still stuck in the rain, their family grew sick with worry."
(Chapter One)
You switch tenses in this example.
"Before she could reply back, and start explaining again why not to call her that as it's the name of cloth of some foreign country,"
You write in the past tense but adding "it's," makes it inconsistent. You can change it to "it was."
A suggestion here could be...
"Before she could reply and explain why she hated that name, Max butted in."
or
"She hated that nickname, after all, she was called after a piece of clothing and a foreign country, but before she could protest, Max barged in."
(Chapter Two)
Your example...
"I'm not surprised at all because it happens every time we went somewhere."
If you're using "happens," then the correct word to go with that would be "go."
A suggestion here could be...
"I'm not surprised at all because it happens every time we go somewhere."
If you change it to "happened," then it can stay as "went."
A suggestion here would be...
"I'm not surprised at all because it happened every time we went somewhere."
✿
Your example...
"But the locket she wore in her neck..."
My suggestion would be...
"But the locket she wore around her neck..."
✿
Your example...
"It's mainly because it was her mother's."
You're switching tenses here because of the "it's."
A suggestion would be...
"It was mainly because it belonged to her mother."
(Chapter Three)
Your example...
"He saw her blink twice as disappointment took it's placed on her eyes, while she pouted her lips slightly."
You use "it's" which should be "its." They both have different meanings.
I also suggest you change some of the words, making it clearer for the reader.
For example, how can someone blink twice? It's one of those things that happens continuously. You could mention she was blinking rather quickly on purpose, and perhaps she did that twice.
Less is more.
The same goes for pouted her lips. What else could she pout? Nothing. The meaning of pouted is pushing one's lips forward.
A suggestion could be...
"He saw her blink in disappointment as she slightly pouted."
(Chapter Five)
You could make this sentence sound clearer.
Your example...
"While the chandelier above the table lit the entire place, the fireplace provided warms them."
A suggestion could be...
"The chandelier above the table lit the entire room as the fireplace provided the right amount of warmth."
(Chapter Eight)
I pointed this out in a previous example, but some of your sentences could be worded differently.
Your example...
"It was a full moon night."
A simpler suggestion could be...
"Tonight, was a full moon."
Punctuation-
(Chapter Two)
Your example...
"After drinking the last drop of blood from the second female' body,"
A suggestion here would be...
"After drinking the last drop of blood from the second female's body,"
(Chapter Eight)
The example below is a run-on sentence where you have used commas to split up sentences that could be cut down into smaller ones.
"So the moon was high in the sky, giving a soft glow all over the place, mixing with the light of the burning fire, middle of the wilderness."
A simpler suggestion could be...
"The moon gave off a soft glow as it mixed with the light from the fire, burning in the middle of the wilderness."
Character Development/ plot –
(Prologue)
The only thing I didn't like about the prologue was the fact that most of it consisted of info-dumping with a lot of telling. There was a lot of information about the king and queen that could be added during the later chapters. The prologue always works best with action, which you later added at the end as a cliffhanger, but there weren't any climatic events leading up to that.
I didn't understand why the woman was scared, but then suddenly her nerves disappear when she sees the vampire and almost flirts with him. You mention she felt attracted to him, but could there be some kind of compulsion? It didn't make sense about how clueless she was.
Other than that, I'm intrigued about who the male vampire is at the end. He seems to get all the ladies and has a warming charm to him.
(Chapter One)
This is the first time we see Evelyn, and she seems a relatable character. She's been imprisoned her whole life because of her father's wishes. It's understandable after what happened to her mother, that he feels the same way.
Again, a few things could be pointed out later, like the information about the five empires and the queen. I felt like it didn't fit in with the context of the chapter since it's about Eve and her best friend escaping the mansion to go to a festival. It's almost like jump hopping from one idea to another, back to the present with them escaping.
Tip - I notice that you call her Eve during the narration sometimes when her actual christian name is Evelyn. This can be confusing during the narration as you switch between the two. Narration is usually formal with names, and nicknames can be used during dialogue (just don't go overboard).
Max calls her Evie through dialogue which is okay as it reflects his character.
(Chapter Two)
I'm no good at writing in 3rd person, but you could perhaps describe how Evelyn feels when she has her necklace stolen from her neck. It must hurt a little because I imagined the man pulled or tugged on the necklace for it to unclasp from around her neck.
You do a lot of telling and not showing, especially with her feelings at this particular point.
So, for example, you mentioned she stood in shock. Has she got a fast and rapid heartbeat? Do her fingers move to her neck involuntarily, feeling her neck for her necklace? Do her eyes dart back and forth, purposefully searching for somebody close that could have done it?
(Chapter Three)
I don't know what to make of Evelyn in this chapter. His story about an Angel bringing the necklace to him sounded so cheesy. I would have prefered him to say part of the truth about how he found a thief or a beggar with it, and he took it off him.
Evelyn comes across as naive for believing that an Angel gave him the necklace so easily. I would have at least question it and feel a little sceptical, making it more realistic. Is this because she has been locked up by her father for so long?
If I was Serena, I would want to know how Evelyn got her necklace back. I notice Maxwell interrupts them, but a suggestion could be to show some dialogue between the two while on the journey home in the carriage. This makes the jump from the carnival to the mansion less choppy.
(Chapter Four)
I get the feeling Evelyn is happy that her father isn't staying for dinner so she can go back outside. I did think that after the last encounter, she would have learnt her lesson and not want to go back.
Towards the end of the chapter, everything seems to come into place. Obviously, the mysterious vampire is the one who is set to protect his daughter.
I wonder how they will attack his land if vampires can't enter?
(Chapter Five)
I found this chapter confusing because of all the added names. I forgot who Lord Berlin was? He supports the other empire, right? If his family help Lord Roosevelt, they stand a good chance against the vampires.
I am confused as to which girl Nigel is thinking about. Is he talking about Evelyn?
So far, a lot of characters have been introduced with not enough time to really get to know each one. We don't know the main vampire's name and we've been introduced to a new family quite quickly.
I would slow down the pace and try to describe each character's personalities via dialogue and actions in the narration.
(Chapter Six)
Wow. I didn't expect that to happen so quickly. I liked the appearance of the mysterious vampire, bringing the chapter to life. I tend to enjoy more where there is action and mystery regarding the vampire.
The start of the chapter was a little slow because it was detailing his journey and his steps towards Elerinia.
(Chapter Seven)
Evelyn and I have something in common; we both hate maths.
Evelyn's inner thoughts seem a little childish for her age, but I'm guessing that is just her personality and the sort of character she is.
I find it interesting that the vampire didn't bite Nigel to kill him, but to make him unconscious. It must take skill to hold back the bloodlust and to not accidentally kill him by consuming more blood than necessary.
(Chapter Eight)
I find it odd that we haven't got a name for the main vampire and we are eight chapters in (nine including prologue).
He already knows Evelyn's "false" name, but she doesn't ask what his name is?
You definitely keep people on the edge of their seats, and that's an achievement for this far along.
(Chapter Nine)
Nigel's character starts to shine through during this chapter. He is rather feisty speaking to a vampire in such a crude manner when he knows that his life is on the line.
I love the cliffhanger. I'm intrigued as to what the Queen as planned. Is somebody pretending to be Nigel, or could it be a trap? Great job with the ending in the chapter.
Overall enjoyment-
I enjoyed reading the parts with the encounter between Evelyn and the vampire, and when Nigel got attacked. I prefer reading the scenes with action or some sense of drama than the info-dumping chapters with new characters. I get confused between the kingdoms and the names (Lord Berlin, whose name I think is Markus and Lord Roosevelt gets called Edmund at times).
The main focus should be on:
1- Grammar - I'm not sure if English is your native language or not, but there are a few mistakes in each chapter. This varies from sentence structure, tenses and a few omission of words. Either way, you do a great job overall and throughout. I tried to point out the errors I thought were necessary, but to correct them all, I would suggest Grammarly or an editor.
2 - Descriptions - The descriptions you do use are good, and there is nothing wrong with them. The one I read in chapter eight about the light and the fire was great. It's just about using more complex words (Synonyms) and adding a little more detail to make the descriptions longer. Try to avoid using the same word twice to describe something in the same sentence.
Overall, well done and keep writing!
If you have any questions, just let me know.
Feel free not to take my suggestions, but if you do, I hope you find them useful.
Thank you for letting me review your book. Please check "The Dark Knight's Angel" if you've got time.