Chloe's Book Reviews {CLOSED/ HIATUS}

Vacation with the player

* This review may contain spoilers * 

Username: Legit_skyyyyy

Genre: Teen Fiction/ Romance 

Chapters: 5 chapters 

Specific: N/A 

Book 

Cover - 

 I actually like the cover. It has a nice holiday vibe. 

Blurb - 

The blurb is good. I think there are some unnecessary sentences that could be removed. 

 Some examples are... 

 "They arrive at the jet. He sees her and realizes who she really is. The outcast is his dad's bosses daughter!" 

 {This is sort of a spoiler. This will be introduced in the book, so no need to have this in the blurb.} 

You can also include her name in the blurb. It's better to have the main character's name included at least once. 

Grammar - 

(Chapter One) 

 Within the first paragraph, you tend to fall back on the "I..." sentences. 

Your examples... 

"I get up and get ready for school." 

"I walk into the kitchen to eat breakfast..." 

"I go back upstairs to change and walk into my huge walk in closet..." 

"I grab a grey sweatshirt..." 

This does improve throughout the book, but you tend to stick with the same sentence structure, especially within this short section. You can vary your sentences by switching them up. Also, try to add more details to each statement. This will give personality to each character.

A few suggestions can be... 

"Walking into the kitchen, I'm greeted at the table by my two brothers, Logan and Dallas, who are greedily shovelling eggs and burnt toast into their mouths." 

* You don't have to use my suggestion, but I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say. From my example, you already have some context -- her brothers, their actions and what they ate for breakfast. Sometimes using "I..." all the time can become redundant, especially when it revolves around the morning routine. You want to hook the reader into wanting to continue, so you have to make the first paragraph of your book exciting.  

(Chapter Two) 

 Again with the sentence structure, you need to eliminate some of the "I..." sentences. Or at least weave them in throughout the chapter rather than having a lot of redundant sentences within the same paragraph. 

Note -- by splitting up your paragraphs into smaller ones and having a separate line for each character when saying dialogue will help eliminate some redundancy. You tend to say "I ask..." and, "I say" a lot for the same character. 

Here is your example... 

"I'm gonna name her Blanche. What breed is she?" I ask. "Australian Shepard. Also dad needs to ask you something." "Alright" I say setting down Blanche and making my way into his office."

A suggestion could be... 

{"I'm gonna name her Blanche. What breed is she?" I ask. 

"Australian Shepard. Also, Dad needs to ask you something."