Chloe's Book Reviews {CLOSED/ HIATUS}

Beneath the Pink Iron Veil

Author: @Amaboo

Chapters: There is just 1 chapter (short story)

Genre: Thriller/Horror

Specific: Anything

Cover-

I have to say your cover looks awesome. The skull really fits the horror genre. The contrast between the black background and the white skull works great.

Blurb-

"A teen horror/ thriller short story."

I feel like this short sentence can be separated from the main part of the blurb.

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"Cass knows there's a darkness living inside her."

As a suggestion, you can start this sentence as a new paragraph.

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"She knows that part of her has the potential to be dangerous, if she stays in one place."

A suggestion would be to remove the comma as I feel like there is no need for it here.

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"But does she realize how sinister even diabolical it can be? Or is she in denial? Or delusional thinking she can control herself?"

My suggestion here could be...

"She knows that part of her has the potential to be dangerous if she stays in one place, but does she realize how sinister or even diabolical this can be? Is she in denial or delusional for thinking she can control herself?"

Congrats on all the awards you have won.

Grammar-

"...thin and easy to break from the pressure of her feet walking upon them."

You write in the past tense. I would consider changing "walking" to "walked."

Here would be my example.

"...thin and easy to break from the pressure of her feet as she walked upon them."

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"... and then there was nothing but, darkness..."

I think it would be better if you placed the comma before "but" and put a full stop after "darkness"

Here is my suggestion.

"...seemed to give her a horrific aura of blueish-white light around her and then there was nothing, but darkness."

You can then start the next sentence with "The thin white curtains with blue tulips on them..."

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"Her wet clothes had somewhat dried and were sticking to her curvy, yet waif like frame"

My suggestion.

"Her wet clothes had somewhat dried and stuck to her curvy, yet waif-like frame."

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"Her bare feet were walking on something wet, solid, but fragile in the dark."

This sentence is a little confusing. Wet and Solid is fine but fragile means something that can easily break, give way or get damaged.

So, I'm not sure how solid and fragile fit in the same sentence. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

If you're talking about walking on skeleton bones being fragile, you could describe the noise instead.

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"...popped her in the head with the flashlight..."

A suggestion would be changing "popped" with "bashed" or "knocked"

"...bashed her in the head with the flashlight..."

Punctuation-

"She had eaten most of her food and the rest of her supplies seemed pointless to take with her, when she seemed to be stranded for the foreseeable future."

There is no comma needed between "her" and "when"

My suggestion.

"She had eaten most of her food, and the rest of her supplies seemed pointless to take with her when she seemed stranded for the foreseeable future."

"to be" is passive voice.

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"They were a bit dehydrated and starved but, were sound to sleep by midnight."

I would suggest removing the comma in this sentence. A rule of thumb is that we don't always need a comma with but depending if there is an independent clause.

Another suggestion could be changing "to sleep" to "asleep"

My example.

"They were a bit dehydrated and starved but were sound asleep by midnight."

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"The old woman had a broom and tripped her and she fell in the doorway face first."

My suggestion would be...

"The old woman tripped her up with her broom, and she fell in the doorway face first."

I hope that sounds better.

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"I didn't eat those children you did."

Remember to put a comma after "children" otherwise the meaning of your sentence changes.

My example.

"I didn't eat those children, you did."

Character Development/ Overall Enjoyment- 

I loved how you introduced Cass as she was lost and trying to find a place to stay in the rain.

We don't know much about her, but that is what makes the ending great. We start to doubt if the old woman really ate those children or if Cass was capable of killing those children herself.

I actually thought it was the old woman that killed the children because you describe her as a witch. She lives in a creepy building with a broom, and the children are small, so they probably let their imaginations run wild. As a reader, you believe Cass and feel terrified for her as she finds herself in her home. You start to think, what would you do if you were in that situation? Is she going to make it out alive? Is Cass going to be eaten alive too since she is still a child herself at fifteen?

You constructed the story well, and I can tell you put a lot of thought into this.

The pace was suitable for the story.

Thank you for letting me review your book. Please check "Beneath the Pink Iron Veil" if you've got time.