Chloe's Book Reviews {CLOSED/ HIATUS}

Matt Miracle

Username: JosephEchewisi

Genre: Thriller/ paranormal 

Chapters: 4 chapters 

Specific: Characters

Book 

Cover - 

I like the cover. It's mysterious, yet fits in with the genre of your story. The blackness going up his arms suggests the demonic entity creeping up his flesh and taking over his identity. 

Blurb - 

I also liked the blurb. I couldn't see any major issues. 

Grammar - 

Eyes that see: 

Your grammar isn't bad and I didn't see a lot of errors that needed pointing out, but one minor issue was when you talk about two or more characters. You never issue a name, rather you state who the speaker is via their descriptions. 

Your examples...

"So what do we do now?" the man with the cigar said," 

"We watch" the man with the glasses responds."

"...that's why she killed him" the man with the spectacles extends his arm..." 

"What do you think happened to him?" the other guy said."

"I guess he's long gone" the other man puffs out a ring of fire..."

Now, if you're anything like me, I need at least a name to be able to picture and link it to a character, especially when there are two characters in this scene. It's clear one wears glasses and one smokes, but I don't have any other clues to signal more to their identity. How can the reader get to understand the characters when nothing more is given, but mere description (and it's the same description each time). The man lights his cigar at least twice in the short extract I read, spitting out his cigar to relight a new one. I hope this makes sense, but I can't get to grips with which character is saying the dialogue, and the character's actions are repetitive. 

Chapter One: 

In this chapter, you switch from past tense to present throughout. I can give you some examples, but you will need to revise this entire chapter and stay consistent within one tense. 

Your examples of past tense...

"Oliver looked among the crowd."

"She was afraid of something greater."

"The DJ stopped the music..." 

"...a voice pleaded out for silence."

Your examples of the present tense...

"The crowd claps moderately..."

"Mr. Wilder pauses and looks..." 

"He gives a signal..."

Chapter Two:

Again, you switch tenses in this chapter, which I recommend you revise. 

Your example...

"Jane jumps across a few felled trees and scattered logs."