(I apologise for the very long wait for your review).
Author: @Mini_Peppermint
Chapters: I've read 8 chapters (Prologue – Seven) although you requested 10 chapters. I will explain why in the Overall Enjoyment section.
Genre: Young Adult
Specific: Everything/ going in the right direction
Book
Cover-
The cover is okay, but the only worry I have is that it doesn't really stand out amongst other books in your genre. Other covers may look more eye appealing because there is a lot of white on white.
The title is great, and I can see how the title fits in with your story.
Blurb-
Your blurb is okay.
Here's your blurb...
"From every wound, there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says, Eleanor, survived. Her whole life is one big struggle. Suffocating luxurious life keeps interrupting her search for a place in the world. Unfortunately, it's not the only thing in the way.
Most of the time, it's one single person, trying to make something of himself as well. With one simple decision, Lukas becomes her biggest nightmare and the sweetest escape. And as hard as they both try to deny it, they both need each other to survive."
I would reword a few sentences, making it more precise. You don't have to take my suggestions if you don't want to.
My suggestion would be...
"From every wound, there is a scar, and every scar can tell a story. A story to show that Eleanor survived as her life proved to be one big struggle. Her luxurious background and suffocating lifestyle interrupts her search for a safer place in the world. Unfortunately, it's not the only thing in her way.
Lukas is trying to make something of himself. With one simple decision, he becomes Eleanor's biggest nightmare and her sweetest escape. As hard as they both try to deny it, they both need each other to survive."
Grammar-
(Prologue)
One of the first things I noticed was the switching tenses.
Your example of past tense...
"Eleanor always considered herself a fighter."
"In those late nights..."
You've picked the past tense, and therefore, the rest of the chapter should be in this tense.
You switch to the present tense in this example below.
"Eleanor still finds mother's bright ocean blue eyes..."
"She drinks each drop..."
You then go straight back to the past tense with this example...
"The warrior continued to grow..."
My suggestion would be to change the present sentence into this... "Eleanor found her mother's bright ocean blue eyes..." and "She drank each drop..."
✿
There were quite a lot of tense changes that I couldn't write them all down, but I would suggest glossing over this chapter to fix them.
"is" shouldn't be used if you're writing in the past tense.
Your examples...
"That is when Eleanor realized there was never a beautiful family."
"It's funny how everyone praises life with endless resources..."
My suggestions in the past tense would be...
"That was when Eleanor realized there was never a beautiful family."
"It was funny how everyone praised life with endless resource..."
(Chapter One)
I think you should add a determiner to this sentence.
Your example...
"Buzzing phone in Eleanor's pocket distracted her from the gloomy mind."
It would make sense if you started the sentence with "The" and changed the word order to fit the context.
Here would be my suggestion...
"The phone buzzed in Eleanor's pocket, distracting her from her gloomy mind."
or
"Eleanor's phone started buzzing in her pocket, distracting her from her gloomy mind."
There are even a few more examples, such as... "Eleanor's phone distracted her from her gloomy mind as it vibrated in her trouser pocket."
✿
You've made some typos. I will write them down, so you can change them.
Your example...
"...his arms immediately tangled around Camillia's waste,"
Instead of "waste," it should be "waist."
You change tenses again, so I would keep an eye on that.
You did pretty well, but occasionally the present tense creeps back in without you realising.
Your example...
"It takes bravery..."
"Lukas didn't even bother with any explanation and made his way towards Eleanor, with each step his smile widening."
My suggestions in the past tense would be...
"It took bravery..."
"Lukas didn't even bother with any explanation and made his way towards Eleanor. His smile widened with each step."
(Chapter Three)
I would be careful with words and construction of some sentences as some, are again, confusing.
Your example...
"Look since you'll be changing exactly me,"
Did you mean challenging me? Or shadowing me?
Punctuation-
(Chapter One)
There doesn't need to be a comma separating the dialogue tag because it isn't relating to speech.
Your example...
"...you walk away when I'm done with you," his fingers cupped her chin turning her fully back to himself.
My suggestion would be...
"...you walk away when I'm done with you." He cupped her chin, letting his fingers press lightly against her skin."
I would use more descriptive imagery to get your ideas across.
Your example is hard to understand because he is cupping her chin, so therefore, Eleanor is already facing him. The second part doesn't make sense. How can he turn her body to face him when she is already facing him because he has his fingers around her face? (If you can understand what I mean).
(Chapter Two)
This is a common mistake, so I wouldn't worry too much. You occasionally put a comma after the dialogue tag when it should be a full stop.
Your example...
"Of course, sir," Tom learned to obey without hesitation very fast."
English is an easy but complex language because there are so many rules that are applied at different times. One rule is that there should be a comma separating the speech and tag when it relates to speech, for example, "Of course," Tom said." (note the comma in the example).
Now, when the tag is relating to any action from the character, there should be a full stop. For example,..."Of course." Tom passed the salt towards Phillip, maintaining eye contact."
My suggestion for your original example would be...
"Of course, Sir." Tom obeyed without hesitation."
Tip- Keep your writing simple by removing the words that don't add any flesh. I removed these words (learned, to obey, very fast), and the sentence still carries the meaning across. Fewer words are better and more precise.
(Chapter Four)
Your example...
"The burning liquid glass in Lukas' hand was disappearing too fast."
While trying not to focus too much on grammatical issues, it is very important as it conveys a message of what you're trying to say.
So, when I'm reading this sentence, I'm trying to piece parts of the information given for it to make sense, and that's the fun part of a reader's imagination.
"The burning liquid glass" doesn't make sense. I know you're talking about the liquid inside the glass. Is it alcohol? Alcohol can have a burning sensation. If it's not, then I would suggest describing the type of drink because I have no clue why it's burning.
A suggestion could be...
"Lukas chugged back his alcoholic drink, burning his oesophagus."
Please note - oesophagus (British spelling)
esophagus (American spelling)
(Chugged – take a swig of his drink in a quick and swift movement).
"Lukas' hand" should be "Lukas's hand."
This is because his name is being used as a personal pronoun stating that the glass belongs to Lukas.
Character Development/ plot –
(Prologue)
I actually consider this to be a chapter instead of a prologue. Prologues are best kept short (one thousand words or less) and are rather vague than the other chapters.
It goes straight into Eleanor's story where most of the chapter was telling. This was until the last third of the chapter where you introduced other characters alongside dialogue and action.
I liked how you connected the beginning of the chapter to the ending, relating to Eleanor as a fighter. Towards the end, she learns to act like a warrior.
(Chapter One)
Quite early on, I can guess where the story might go, but I'm not 100% as there could be some twists and turns (which I hope there is).
By the way you started chapter one, I'm guessing Eleanor is the prey, and throughout the story, she will become a predator.
I have to be honest, but this paragraph confused me.
"As Eleanor sucked in the freezing air the cement was flowing with her, her fingers clenched into fists. It slowly lifted the body soaked in the cruel laughter, feeling the head still spinning. The body was struggling, feeling too embarrassed, even though there was no one around. But Eleanor trained it well enough..."
Are you talking about Eleanor or the actual cement?
"...the body," implies that it's not Eleanor, but I wanted to make sure, otherwise it should be "...her body."
You did well introducing Lukas and Camillia. It's too early on to understand the relationship between Eleanor and Lukas. I don't really understand why he doesn't like Eleanor. I can't find a reason why he would make fun of her.
I know you are writing in 3rd person, but you can still label whose body part it is. You miss out personal pronouns and use "the" to label each part, which is confusing to distinguish who you are talking about.
Your examples...
"The legs unconsciously stepped away..." - Whose legs are you talking about? Because you're writing in 3rd person, it gives you even more reason to label who is stepping away because the readers have to guess.
"...that left visible red marks on the neck." - You're talking about Eleanor, but it's more common to say "...red marks on her neck."
"Eleanor was still catching the breath, helping the body to recover..."
My suggestion here would be... "Eleanor was still catching her breath, helping her body to recover..."
Tip- I would recommend researching more on personal pronouns (she, he, her, his). This can help avoid the examples above of which I listed.
Obviously, you don't have to take my advice. I'm not a professional, but speaking as a reader, parts of your writing has me confused.
(Chapter Two)
I love the way you introduced Phillip and how you immediately give him a bad vibe towards Eleanor. This shows that they have a rocky relationship, and perhaps something happened between them in the past.
You also do a good job showing Eleanor's fear and uneasiness when she asks for a job. I can imagine it takes some guts and courage for her to ask him, considering she knows his persona.
The way you portray Eleanor as rich but isn't that stereotypical better-off female that we see in most books is great. She is down to earth and a guarded character. Right away, I can see the character's goal of wanting to show the world who she really is and not what others perceive her to be.
(Chapter Three)
There seems to be some instant chemistry between Rene and Eleanor unless charming is a part of his characteristic.
You added a little surprise at the end of the chapter, which established Eleanor's relationship with Lukas.
(Chapter Four)
We start to find out more about the plot and in which direction it's heading. I think you're pacing is good so far because we're only at chapter four and suddenly a negotiation is taking place. I have to admit the storyline is a little cliché, but that's not always a bad thing if that's your style.
It's quite obvious that he is starting to get feelings for Eleanor. He feels a little guilty about the negotiation because he will hurt her in the process. What I don't understand is that Lukas has been hurting Eleanor all along with his bullying and nasty comments, so why should he start caring about her now.
(Chapter Five)
So, it becomes apparent that Lukas talked to Rene and persuaded him not to accept her as an employee. It does sound weird for him to interview her when they have no intention of accepting her.
(Chapter Six)
While I understand why Lukas is trying to involve himself surrounding Eleanor, I really don't like his possessiveness towards her. So, she isn't allowed to think about anybody else before she sleeps and when she wakes up, but just him. How does he know what's good for her when he clearly isn't good for her either?
He starts to care about her and shows his affection in an unhealthy way.
This reminds me of "The Kissing Booth" where Noah warns off all the guys from dating Elle because he thinks she is too good for them and that they will hurt her.
Again, I can't really see anything different or unique about the story so far. I'm guessing that Eleanor will find out about Lukas, get hurt but then they will fall in love because she will see a different side to Lukas.
(Chapter Seven)
I have to say I love Eleanor's fierceness towards Lukas in this chapter. She isn't afraid to give him her piece of mind, especially after he smashes her phone just because she wants to go out with Rene.
I have to say that I like Eleanor and how you perceive her to be from a rich background, but she doesn't seem to be over her head. In the beginning, she seems to be reserved and doesn't fight back against the bullies, but we see she is capable of showing fierceness against Lukas.
However, I love the part when she discovers that she is locked in the library with Lukas. I'm sure that will create more tension between them both.
Overall enjoyment-
I believe you are going in the right direction because the plot starts to come through in chapter four. Now while it is a little cliché, I struggled to find anything original that stood out. This may be because I haven't read further enough or because I've read or seen a lot of similar running themes on and off Wattpad.
The best advice I can give is to keep doing you, and all the rest will fall into place. That's mainly what the first draft is for, so you're able to see where you can add twists & turns to excite the readers.
Things I believe you should focus on are:
1- Grammar: Sentence structure/ construction. Some of your sentences are hard to read. So, by rearranging the words around, this can make it easier to get your meaning across.
Tense changes- The Prologue needs the most work in this criteria as you write in the past tense but switch to the present throughout. This is a small issue that can be fixed. Just remember all these words changes the tense to present. (It's, don't).
Possessive Pronouns- His/her body instead of the body.
His legs instead of the legs.
Possessive apostrophe- Lukas's hand instead of Lukas' hand. Eleanor's room instead of Eleanors' room. This is like the previous point where it shows possessive belonging to that person.
2- Punctuation regarding speech tags and action tags: You often use commas after the dialogue, when sometimes it should be a full stop. This all depends if the tag is relating to speech (he said/ she said) or if it's an action tag (his fingers brushed the collar of his shirt).
3- Description: You could add more physical descriptions about the character and their appearance. Unless I missed it whilst reading, I can't remember what Eleanor or Lukas looks like.
The main reason why I didn't complete until the tenth chapter was that it started to lose my interest. This was because I couldn't see much originality and Lukas seemed the cliché bad boy type, but suddenly is trying to be possessive around her. I don't know if that's because of the deal he made or because he has real feelings.
Overall, your book is promising, and I can see how much work you've put into it.
Keep up the good work!
If you have any questions, just let me know.
Feel free not to take my suggestions, but if you do, I hope you find them useful.
Thank you for letting me review your book. Please check "My little El" if you've got time.