word count: 1470 words
warning: contains swearing, talks about depression & death
request for @TitiDolan
[26th may 2020]
❥
it felt like everything was crashing down, one by one. you knew that ethan did not want a baby just yet but you thought he would be by your side no matter what. so to see him standing in front of you after saying the words he did.. it didn't feel like real life.
"me or the baby." his words were ringing in your head. your mouth was open in shock and you struggled to find the words to respond.
"i-i can't choose." you whispered, making him scoff and shake his head. he raised his neck and rubbed the back of his neck harshly.
"y/n, fucks sake. you can't be serious right now! this is a baby we're talking about! a baby that we can't take care of!" he yelled making you take a step back.
"like hell we can't take care of it! of course we can! we have money, we have jobs, we can get a house!"
"i don't want a baby at this time in my life, y/n. why can't you understand that?" it went silent as they both breathed heavily.
"so i'm doing this alone?" you replied quietly making his eyes widen.
"is that your decision? you're choosing something that's not even alive yet over me?" he was bewildered. he thought you would choose him.
"the fact that you made me choose just shows you're not the choice worth making." you shook your head, making your way to the front of the house where your shoes and purse were. ethan followed you silently, watching as you tied your shoelaces on your sneakers.
you sighed heavily, standing straight and placed your purse over your shoulder.
"my child and i are gonna be very happy, ethan. it's a shame you won't be its dad." you said softly, leaving the house and leaving his life.
that was 1 year ago. you were a few weeks along at the time. it was extremely difficult to leave ethan and raise your child alone but you knew it had to be done.
you thought that was the worst time of your life but the worst was actually yet to come.
your baby girl, esme, was only 3 months old at the time of her death. it was the worst day of your life. it happened after you were both in a car accident. it seemed minor to you but only hours later, you held your daughter's hand as she passed from complications.
it was as if your life was over. you had so many plans with her and when she died, you did too.
your family saw the impact esme's death had on you and took you to see a doctor where you were diagnosed as clinically depressed. you were given medication and attended therapy once a week. you knew it wouldn't work but you did it to get everyone off your back.
you had to go to the hospital to speak with your doctor so you waited in the waiting room.
being in silence was your favourite thing as it allowed you to think. you thought about esme, you thought about where your life would go, and you thought about ethan.
you wondered how he would feel if he was still here and was a father to your child. while your in pain right now, he's probably enjoying his life and being care-free.
you thought about yourself. you had put on a bit of weight since having esme and hadn't worked it off yet which didn't bother you. you were dressed in jeans and a massive hoodie with slides. your hair was pulled back in a messy bun.
you didn't have any makeup on and your eyebags were as clear as ever. anyone could see how tired you were just from your eyes.
you sighed and rested your elbows on your knees and stared down at the floor. a voice interrupted your thoughts.
"y/n y/l/n, dr harries is ready for you." a nurse said as she stood closely by you. you slowly stood up, following her to your doctors office.
45 minutes later, you left his office quietly. you spoke to the receptionist about a future appointment and made your way back to the car. before you could, you ran into someone.
"sorry-" you started but stopped when you saw who it was. you couldn't believe your eyes as you stared back at the man who forced you to make that horrible decision a year ago.
"y/n, didn't think i'd see you here." ethan said, slowly shaking off the surprise he felt. you nodded, not wanting to give a definitive answer.
"it's so nice to see you." grayson said, standing next to his brother.
"it's nice to see you too, gray." you replied smiling. ethan furrowed his eyebrows.
"how about a good to see you, ethan?" ethan said making you frown.
"what?" you asked.
"you said it's good to see gray. why not me?" he continued making you squint your eyes at him slightly.
"you know why, ethan." your reply was quiet but had a slightly serious undertone. grayson began to grow uncomfortable seeing the turn the conversation took.
"oh come on, i'm just kidding. live a little. i know it's kinda difficult with the baby cos she's got you looking a little scruffy but-"
"e, what the fuck." grayson whispered as he nudged his brother. you stood there taking it all in.
ethan had no idea what happened to your baby. neither did grayson. you made everyone who knew swear that they wouldn't tell ethan or his family anything about esme. no one knew.
"y/n, i'm sorry about what he said-" you cut grayson off and continued to stare at ethan.
"it's fine i expected nothing less. it matches his character."
"i didn't mean to offend you. i was just pointing out that the baby has you-" ethan tried continuing.
"what baby? what fucking baby are you talking about?" you said, slightly laughing. ethan and grayson looked confused, "you've actually got to be kidding me."
with every word he said, you got angrier. you didn't know what it was but something about the way he was standing in front of you and talking to you about esme and your body made you angrier than ever and you couldn't hold in your year-old pented up frustration.
"what do you mean?" grayson asked confusedly.
"i'm asking your brother what baby he's talking about. huh ethan? what fucking baby? the baby you told me to choose between a year ago? the baby i had to go through labour for all alone? the baby whose hand i held while she passed just a few weeks ago?" you felt tears stinging at the corner of your eye.
ethan's eyes widened as he heard your words. he didn't know how to react or what to say.
"you think my pregnancy is the only reason i look like this? i lost my 3 month old baby, i'm fucking depressed and on medication." a tear streamed down your cheek and you quickly wiped it away.
"y/n, we had no idea." grayson said sadly.
"of course you didn't. i didn't want your family to know. none of you had the right to know about what happened to esme since none of you cared enough about your daughter, niece and grandchild." you spat, feeling hatred coursing through your body. grayson looked away quickly as he felt too ashamed to look you in the eyes. it was true. no one in his family even bothered to reach out to you after you left ethan, though they all knew you were pregnant.
"her name's esme?" ethan asked quietly, looking down at the floor.
"yes. i named her myself and raised her myself." you stated proudly. ethan nodded silently.
"i'm so sorry for your loss, y/n." ethan said, raising his head to look at you. his eyes shone with unshed tears.
"i don't need your pity. just stay away from me and stay out of my life. you two and your family." you spat, walking quickly to your car. ethan and grayson stood there dumbfounded, watching you walk away. they were frozen, not knowing what to say or do.
you were breathing heavily when you sat in your car but it felt like a weight just lifted off your shoulders. you had all that anger pented up inside of you that it felt good to let it out on the people that deserved it.
❥
sorry i had to make ethan kinda a douchebag at the end , i didn't wanna make it of him after a surgery bc it wouldn't have been sad i guess