(Bookworms Community Reviews)
Author: @pettysmut
Chapters: 3 chapters
Genre: Short Story/ LGBTQ
Specific: Everything
Cover-
I like your cover of the boy smelling flowers. It's simple. I don't know what the story is about just by the cover, but we shouldn't always judge a book by its cover.
My impression is that I always imagine a girl receiving flowers from her lover and smelling them. Maybe the roles are reversed, and since this is LGBTQ, this could be a hidden concept within the cover.
Blurb-
"In which two boys fall in love within 14 days."
I find this to be a little too short for a blurb. A blurb is supposed to attract the readers to choose your book out of the thousands here on Wattpad.
I would suggest adding a little more information about the main character and a little about what happens during the story but not revealing too much.
Grammar-
(Prologue)
There is nothing wrong with the words you have used here. I would, however, place the words differently in this sentence to make it sound better.
Your example...
"...a woman came up to them and pulled gently his mother away."
A suggestion would be...
"...a woman came up to them and gently pulled his mother away.
✿
This sentence sounds lovely and beautiful as if it should be a metaphor, but it took me a few minutes to understand the meaning. Sometimes adding simple, yet efficient words make the sentence appear clearer.
Your example...
"Petals dripping with melancholy bloomed from every pore on his flesh..."
I think I might be a little dumb, but I couldn't understand this sentence, and I even tried to split it up.
"Petals dripping..." - I think maybe you meant "Petals fell..." because petals don't drip.
"Melancholy" can be sadness and sorrow. So, the petals fell with sadness.
"Bloomed" is more of a happy word when flowers bloom, they start to grow, so adding that contradicts "melancholy."
I don't understand how they grew from his pores on his skin.
I would just reword this sentence but try to keep the same meaning.
My suggestion would be...
"The petals fell one by one on his shoulders. The edges started to curl up, making them appear lifeless and old."
You don't have to use my example. I'm just trying to explain that simple is good too and makes it easier for the readers to understand rather than using fancy words, which makes the text harder.
✿
Your example...
"Mourns escaped his lips now and then..."
I think you mean moans here.
Mourning is an action or something you do when somebody dies but it doesn't fit this context.
You can say...
"Sobs escaped his lips..."
"Blue wept..."
"Moans escaped his lips now and then, while the whole church mourned for his brother..."
(Chapter one)
I did notice that some of your sentences feel a little awkward. You misplace the word with another that doesn't fit the context.
Your example...
"Slowly, they were dancing their way down till they reach the ends of his pale body before splattering against the grass beneath his shoes."
A suggestion would be...
"The sweat that lined his forehead slithered down his cheeks until it reached his jawline, dropping and wetting his thin shirt."
(Something easy that readers can imagine since sweat doesn't dance)
✿
Your example...
"He wanted nothing more than to beat him up till he's dead, then beaten up again when he meets London up there."
This sentence could be reworded to sound clearer.
My suggestion would be...
"He wanted nothing more than to beat him to a pulp and wait for London to get his hands on him up in heaven."
beat to a pulp- means beaten badly.
(Chapter Two)
Your example...
"He hesitated, sauntering his way towards Blue who still had not to notice him approaching."
Again, this sentence seems awkward to read.
I would consider rewording it.
My suggestion would be...
"He hesitated, sauntering his way towards Blue who hadn't noticed him approaching."
✿
Your example...
"The round ball of chocolate placed in the centre of his eyes..."
I know what you meant, but you can reword this to make it clearer.
My suggestion...
"His chocolate-like eyes were visible due to the light shimmering above them, making them appear bigger than usual."
Character Development/ plot –
Your prologue is tense, that's for sure. I loved it. It kept me intrigued. It starts to raise questions about why he hates his aunt. Why did his brother kill himself?
I like how you incorporated the mysterious boy at the end. It's a little weird as to why he is watching him in a graveyard, but I'm sure all the answers will be revealed.
I know you commented about how people have said the pace is too fast, but maybe they meant if you gave some more details and fleshed parts out a little more, this could help.
The prologue and chapter one is quite short, while chapter two is a lot longer than the other two. I would try to make them roughly the same word count or have an average, just so it's not so choppy going from one short chapter to a long one.
Blue has a lot of anger inside him obviously, and you show that well. I'm not sure about Chance yet as I've only read three chapters, but things look promising of their friendship between them too. I'm intrigued to see how they fall in love because they seem fairly opposite when they met at the graveyard.
I like that they aren't complete strangers and that they both share a common bond with London.
I find the names that you have chosen to be unique and some people love unique names, but I find it hard to connect with somebody called Apple, for example. I just prefer what I call proper names, London is fine. (That's just my opinion)
Overall Enjoyment-
Your prologue got me hooked, I like the storyline, but the following two chapters after were less tense. It was like the prologue made an impact, but the rest didn't have anything exciting happening. I wanted to know more about London and why he committed suicide. Why does Blue hate his aunt and blame her for the death of his brother? (I know I might find out in the following chapters, but a suggestion would be to have something in those two chapters as a link, trailing the readers along for the ride, so they don't get bored)
I have nothing bad to say about your punctuation, that's pretty clean.
Your main focus is on grammar and your syntax structure. Some sentences sounded awkward, you either have to reword them differently, or you used the wrong word for the context written.
A tip would be to read your sentences out loud to see if they sound clear to you. If you stumble over words or the sentence doesn't flow, then you know you have a problem. Or have someone read it to you and check your work for you. (beta reader)
You have potential, and I believe you can do great things. I like to encourage writers, whilst pointing out their faults, so I hope my review can help you in some way.
Keep up the great work!
If you have any questions, just let me know.
Feel free to not take my suggestions, but if you do, I hope you find them useful.
Thank you for letting me review your book. Please check "14 days" if you've got time.