(Previously named Shadowkissed)
Author: @CourtMyers
Chapters: 10 chapters
Genre: Paranormal/ Mystery
Specific: None
Cover-
I love your cover. It's appealing with the grey background and the woman with the red petals trailing off her. If I had to make suggestions on how to make your cover better, it would be to remove the red writing along the side or to make it bolder. Nobody can read it, and I feel like it doesn't do anything for the cover.
I also would suggest removing the stickers and put them in a dedicated chapter because it overcrowds the cover. This is just a personal preference. I know some people don't like to stick them in chapters.
Blurb-
There are a few miss spellings.
Your example...
"Death has a sick since of humor."
This should be...
"Death has a sick sense of humor."
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The first part of this sentence seems incomplete.
"When death welcomes you with open arms, only for life to take you back."
A suggestion could be...
"What happens when death welcomes you with open arms, only for life to take you back?"
Since you changed the title, you will have to replace the old title in this sentence to keep it consistent.
"Shadow kissed is about a girl named Rose Desira Violance."
A suggestion would be to join this sentence together with the following one to minimize short sentences. A tip is to have a good balance of sentence structure (long and short sentences)
It could look like this...
"Hunted kiss is about a girl named Rose Desira Violance, who died and was brought back to life."
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There is a missing comma which should be placed before the dialogue tag,
"Not quite." He whispered."
It should look like this...
"Not quite," he whispered."
Apart from that, your blurb looks okay.
Grammar-
(Chapter One)
You start the first paragraph in the past tense. "My mother shouted from the kitchen, as I grabbed the keys to my jeep."
Shouted and grabbed are the past. I don't think the comma is necessary in this sentence as "as" is a binding word (conjunction) to join the words together.
In the next sentence, you skip to the present tense.
"My tone is of annoyance, for the fact she says that every time I leave the house."
"is" is present.
My suggestion for the sentence would be this...
"Yes, Mom," I said, a hint of annoyance in my tone. Every time I left the house, she said the same thing."
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I noticed a misplaced word.
"Closings the door behind me I through my duffel bag over my shoulder."
You don't need the extra "s" on "closing" "through" should be "threw"
Here is my suggestion...
"Closing the door behind me, I threw my duffel bag over my shoulder."
I know you said that the book is unedited, but a suggestion would be to have a quick read out loud before you publish each chapter. That way, you will be able to spot mistakes. Also, you will have less to edit at the end when you finish the book. There are simple mistakes, and I'm not sure if they are easy typos or you haven't properly checked your work.
Your example...
"...my avitar classes sit comfortably..."
I know you meant "glasses," but you should correct it as soon as somebody points it out to you or always check your work through a spell check.
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You can join some sentences together, so they aren't too short.
Your example...
"My sarcastic snap ending with a playful statement. As my body starts to jive a little."
My suggestion would be...
"My sarcastic remark ended with a playful statement as my body started to jive a little."
I wrote my suggestion in the past tense as you switch between both throughout the chapter.
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Your example...
"But I'm sure the only reason there friends is because their mom's are."
You just need to swap "there" with "their"
My suggestion...
"But I'm sure the only reason their friends is because their moms are."
I removed the comma from "Moms" because there is a difference.
Mom's= possessive noun meaning something belongs to them. Moms= Plural noun meaning more than one.
(Chapter Two)
Your example...
"Beaming down to there sweet little sister..."
Again, you've got the "there" and "their" mixed up.
Their- personal belongings. It belongs to them. "Their shoes are dirty." There- something in another direction. "It's over there."
My suggestion would be...
"Beaming down to their sweet little sister..."
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"What did my foot get stuck to?"
I would suggest putting this into italics. It sounds more of her inner thoughts.
Your example...
"He's figure towered over my mother..."
"He's" should be "His" He's = He is His= belong to him
What you wrote is this..."He is figure towered over my mother..."
That is an easier way to spot your mistakes.
It should be this...
"His figure towered over my mother..."
(Chapter Three)
Your example...
"The deeper I swam the dark it got."
A suggestion would be...
"The deeper I swam, the darker it got."
(Chapter Four)
"His hands grab my shoulders spinning me black to the direction of the car."
My suggestion would be...
"His hands grab my shoulders spinning me back to the direction of the car."
Again, this would have to change if you decide to use the present tense.
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Your example...
"Has she been her the whole time?"
I would italicize this as it's her inner thoughts.
Also, I noticed a typo.
My suggestion...
"Has she been here the whole time?"
(Chapter Five)
Your example...
"God that would have been embracing."
You misplaced the word. You meant embarrassing.
My suggestion...
"God that would have been embarrassing."
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Your example...
"Good your awake!"
You got your and you're mixed up. I can't tell if this is a typo or you type too fast.
My suggestion would be...
"Good. You're awake!"
(Chapter Six)
Your example...
"Get up. Alls I'm saying is it was good, from what I saw and felt, he was hot and I woke up with out my pants on."
I would suggest changing the wording in this sentence. It reads a little awkward.
My suggestion would be...
"Get up, Alls. All I'm saying is, it was good. I woke up without my pants on."
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Your example...
"The mall was quite, surprisingly."
You mixed "quite" and "quiet"
Quiet= not making any sound
My suggestion...
"The mall was quiet, surprisingly."
(Chapter Seven)
"That kind of trust isn't giving it's earned."
My suggestion would be...
"That kind of trust isn't given but earned."
(Chapter Nine)
Your example...
"If I where ever to loose your I don't know what I would do."
You mixed up "where" and "were" It should be "lose" and not "loose" as they have different meanings. It should be you and not your.
My suggestion would look like this...
"If I were ever to lose you, I don't know what I would do."
Punctuation
(Chapter One)
You need to remember to put commas in between the speech and the dialogue.
Your example...
"Sup James." I said, nodding my head."
My suggestion would be...
"Sup, James," I said, nodding my head."
(Chapter Three)
A missed comma. The comma in this sentence can split up the sentence when needed.
Your example...
"Loud hollers erupt ahead signalling we're close to the top."
My suggestion would be...
"Loud hollers erupt, signalling we're close to the top."
(Chapter Four)
Your example...
"Go, home Rose." He commanded."
The comma is in the wrong place There needs to be a comma separating the speech and the dialogue tag
My suggestion...
"Go home, Rose," he commanded."
Character Development-
I love how you add small details from chapter one about how much she loves her blue car. She even gave it a cute nickname. I know it's silly, but that helps the readers discover a little about your character. We get to know her relationships, likes and dislikes.
I loved how you ended the first chapter. At first, I didn't know which direction you were going for, but the cliff-hanger at the end confirmed it.
The second chapter follows the first chapter nicely. I wonder how nobody finds it weird that she literally died for five minutes and she is alive? Maybe you could elaborate a little further with this. Did her heart kickstart again? I know there have been some instances where people have been buried alive and they were actually presumed dead but weren't. I think there is a name for that.
I liked that we get to see James's POV quite early on.
I felt like chapter four was a little rushed as she left the hospital. A suggestion would be to slow down and describe in more detail about what she is feeling. She just died; her body went into shock. So, I'm sure she would be feeling a little traumatized or disorientated.
I found a few things unrealistic. I say this because I had a dog that lived for nine years and he wasn't old, but he had to be put down. Of course, this depends on the breed of dog. So, I did research and actually six years for a Golden Retriever is middle-aged, not old. They live up to 10-12 years roughly.
I would suggest changing the dog's age to nine at least if you want her to be considered an old dog.
The other thing I found unrealistic was when she was being questioned and he asked her which way the current flowing. They should cut her some slack. She just died! When someone is drowning and losing oxygen, chocking on water, I don't think she will pay attention to the current. These are just suggestions and my opinions.
I like how you incorporate a flashback in chapter five when she takes a shower, the images of what happened come back. The water must be a trigger for her.
It's nice to shine some light on how Dena felt with the 3 G's. Bullying and suicide should be brought up in more conversations as bullying are one of the triggers.
By chapter seven, I finally get a hint of the plot as it unfolds. Rose can see the dead because she died, but none of the living can. I also love the descriptions about Eros, you make him sound yummy!
I was a little confused in chapter nine. Who is the man? And why does she keep having visions? This is great at keeping the readers hooked.
Overall Enjoyment-
I loved reading your book. The mystery and suspense kept me hooked on each chapter. Your main focus would be grammatical/ Punctuation errors. You misspelt a lot of words, which I'm not sure if it was just a typo. Even so, it's best to read over your work before you publish to get rid of them. You often got words mixed up with each other. You can look up the difference between where, were, there, their, your and you're.
Another suggestion would be to swap "u" for "you."
You can use an online grammar checker or Grammarly. This can help you with spelling and the sentence structure.
If I'm completely honest, the grammatical mistakes would put me off from reading your book, although you have a lovely concept. Some people might be put off from reading with simple mistakes, that's why it's crucial to edit/ check or even have a proof-reader to check your work before publishing.
Remember, we are all human. So, mistakes happen and are inevitable. I make a ton of mistakes, but I try to learn and correct them.
If you have any questions, just let me know.
Feel free to not take my suggestions, but if you do, I hope you find them useful.
Thank you for letting me review your book. Please check "Haunted Kiss" if you've got time.