Author: @Evangeline273
Chapters: 7 chapters
Genre: Fantasy/ Romance
Specific:None
Cover-
Your cover isn't bad, but I imagined it to be more fantasy-like. Something to suggest that she is half fairy perhaps.
The title can also be made slightly bigger and made so that it is more visible against the background image.
People often click on someone's book because of their cover. It's good to have a title that will be easy to read and a background image that tells the reader what the story is about before they read the blurb.
In other words, does the image relate to the story in some way?
Blurb-
I actually can't find anything wrong with your blurb. It's a good length. You give some information to attract the reader, but you don't overdo it.
Good job.
Grammar-
(Chapter One)
Be careful with the tenses. You start writing in the past tense, but then swap to present.
Your example...
"Sluggishly walking to the bathroom..."
My suggestion...
"Sluggishly, I walked to the bathroom..."
Your example...
"...grudgingly drag myself out of bed..."
This should be...
"...grudgingly I dragged myself out of bed..."
Or "I grudgingly dragged myself out of bed..."
✿
This sentence can seem a little confusing.
"I thought about what the notification could be for."
You just need to reword it to make it sound clearer.
Here is my suggestion...
"I wondered who the notification could be from."
✿
You tend to do a lot of telling rather than showing.
Your example...
"I have felt fatigued from deprived sleep..."
Here you could describe how tiredness has affected her appearance. Has she got dark circles under her eyes? Does she yawn? All these are showings.
My suggestion...
"I suppressed a yawn as the tiredness caught up with me."
(You don't have to use this example, but something similar to show the effects and to show how she is tired rather than saying she felt fatigued.)
(Chapter Two)
Your example...
"Adam mumbles under his breath..."
"mumbles" is present,
It should be "mumbled."
Here is my suggestion...
"Adam mumbled under his breath...."
(Chapter three)
"I meet up with Lisa..."
"meet" makes this sentence present.
It should be "met."
It should look like this...
"I met up with Lisa..."
✿
This sentence seems a little off.
"Only ten minutes had passed before entered the principles office."
The next sentence can be combined with the previous sentence. This way, you can cut down on some of the repetition.
My suggestion...
"Only ten minutes had passed before we walked in and took a seat in the stiff chairs across from the principle."
✿
Present/Past tenses.
"...his nose seems swollen." = seems (present)
This should be...
"...his nose seemed swollen." = seemed (past)
"...and see Jacob quickly stand up." = stand (present)
My suggestion...
"...and see Jacob quickly stood up." = stood (past)
✿
In Chapter six, you switch tenses a lot.
Here are some examples...
"I order french toast..."
"Adam opens my car door..."
"He turns to me..."
These should be...
"I ordered french toast..."
"Adam opened my car door..."
"He turned to me..."
(Chapter Seven)
"I stumbled across into the unknown alleyway and lose my balance..."
"lose" is present.
I would suggest to change it to "lost."
My suggestion...
"I stumbled across into the unknown alleyway and lost my balance..."
Punctuation
(Chapter Three)
"Yeah, turns out, Homo Sapiens aren't great teachers."
Instead of using too many commas within the dialogue, don't forget you can use full stops for a single word.
My suggestion...
"Yeah. It turns out that Homo Sapiens aren't great teachers."
(Chapter Four)
Remember to add commas at the end of dialogues before the tag.
Your example...
"And Vivian can help you too." she explains..."
My suggestion would be...
"And Vivian can help you too," she explains..."
✿
Your example...
"I have no reason to lie about this." she says..."
Again, you just need to insert a comma where the full stop is.
My suggestion...
"I have no reason to lie about this," she says..."
Another example...
"For your safety." she says..."
My suggestion...
"For your safety," she says..."
Character Development-
Evangeline's character appears to be clumsy. She almost cut her finger whilst cutting fruit, dropped her phone in the sink and tripped whilst running for the bus. This makes her very relatable. I'm also a klutz.
Evangeline is completely oblivious to most things.
I can definitely feel the tension between Adam and Jacob in chapter two.
The action scene is well written, but there is one part of the dialogue that could be improved.
Your example...
"Don't think this is the end of this. It will be continued."
Jacob threatened them, but you can increase the tension through the words that are exchanged.
Here are a few suggestions...
"This isn't the end. You will wish you could turn back time once I'm finished with you," Jacob spat." (that's a tad extreme, but you can play around with words)
"It will be continued" doesn't seem fitting or threatening for this context.
✿
It's obvious that Adam has feelings for Evangeline. She is the only person that can't see it. As a reader, I wanted to shake her to wake her up. Why else would a guy make a fight over a girl if he didn't like her?
(Chapter Three)
Jacob seems a bit irrational about his decisions. I'm sure there is a reason for that. Or is he driven by infatuation for Evangeline?
The only thing I can fault in this chapter is that some of the scenes go too fast. You need to work on your pacing.
Everybody is in the principal's office, then Jacob quickly shoots Kevin. He gets arrested, while it seems that it hasn't fazed Adam and Evangeline as they kiss. I love that they share this moment, but it could be added later in the chapter or later in the story. I would say, let the plot progress more.
✿
I think this sentence is a little odd.
"Jacob was arrested for trying to shoot Kevin, everyone is okay though."
I'm sure Lisa will find out from the gossip around the school. Somebody brought a gun into a school, and he shot somebody won't go unmissed.
I'm pretty sure she heard the gunshot.
A suggestion could be to add more feeling. It seems that Evangeline said this without any feeling. Shooting somebody on school grounds isn't a small thing. (That's just something to think about)
(Chapter Four)
I was a little confused because Evangeline then calls Kevin, although he had been shot earlier by Jacob (or had I missed the part where Jacob actually missed and didn't hurt Kevin)
Kevin sounds so causal like nothing happened.
You might want to make that part clearer. Kevin either didn't get shot, and Jacob missed, or Kevin is in the hospital badly hurt/ shaken up.
(Chapter Five)
There is a section where your sentences contradict each other.
You said that there was a knife in the side of Adam's head, but then she pulls the knife from his chest.
"There was a kitchen knife in the side of his head."
"I grip the handle of the knife and tug it out of his chest..."
You need to make this section clearer. Are there two knives? One in his head and one in his chest? Where about is the one in his head?
She seems way too calm. Again, a suggestion could be to add more feeling. If I found my boyfriend on the floor, my legs would be shaking, my hand trembling. I would cry so much that my vision would become blurry.
I understand that she may be in shock but, you could explain that she feels numb, hollow, empty.
You did well with creating suspense and adding a "who done it" when you show us that Evangeline was the one that killed Adam and his family.
✿
I love the contrast you have going on between Eve and her cousin, Viv. Viv is funny and different from Eve.
Overall Enjoyment-
I already read your book earlier this summer, but it was nice to read it again. You should definitely keep at it and continue, don't give up. I know sometimes if you leave it a while, it can be hard to get back into the swing of the story again.
I would say your main focus would be on your tenses. You switch a lot from present to past. You start the story in the past tense, so I would stick with it. I know it can be hard and you switch back to the present, especially when it's not easy to spot. I've tried to give a lot of examples throughout the seven chapters that I read.
I would also double-check with your punctuation because sometimes you add a comma in the right place within the dialogue tags, and sometimes you put a full stop when it should be a comma. This makes me think that you maybe don't proof check your work thoroughly.
Other than that, I really like the plot. You had me on the edge of my seat a few times with the suspense. I can't wait to see what happens next.
Feel free to not take my suggestions, but if you do, I hope you find them useful.
Thank you for letting me review your book. Please check "The Chosen" if you've got time.