Author: @Hihodough
Chapters: 1 chapter (3,000 words +)
Genre: Teen Fiction
Specific: Anything
Cover-
I think your cover works well and matches the title. I can clearly see the shape of the police badge.
I actually found part of the title quite humorous. "Druglords, Murderers, Donuts."
The black works well against the light-coloured background.
Blurb-
There's nothing wrong with this sentence, but I will give you a variation, and you can pick which you think sounds better.
Your example...
"Phillip "The Bear" Burns was a Police officer... a very different one."
My variation would be this...
"Phillip Burns, aka "The Bear" is a police officer, but a very different one at that."
(aka means also known as).
I noticed you wrote the blurb in the past tense, which is fine.
My variation will be in the present tense.
Your example...
"If you add super strength to his body, then there he is."
A simpler way of writing this could be...
"He is super strong, but after ten years of fame and fortune, Maverick comes along."
You can then continue with this sentence...
"Maverick is a wolf with double abilities, and everybody runs to him, abandoning Phillip."
✿
Your example...
"But that was ten years ago. Now, Phillip doesn't work as a police officer anymore. Now he's an employee of Sunny's market.
He sold his strong muscles for a lazy and heavy body."
My variation...
"Ten years later, Phillip isn't a police officer, but an employee at Sunny's market. He swapped his strong muscles and badge for a lazy, overweight body."
✿
Your example...
"But when he finds out that a drug is spreading through food and produce around Shrew York City, and that it killed many, it is up to him to save everyone from being the next person to be drugged or worse... even though he was gone for ten years."
This paragraph can be simpler. I would also suggest removing "drug is spreading through food and produce" because you want to keep the readers guessing. Otherwise, they already know where and how the drug is poisoning people. You also have to make your blurb a little more exciting to grab the reader. The blurb should be like a mystery with a little hint of what is about to happen.
My variation...
"When Phillip finds out that a drug is poisoning the local residents within Shrew York City, it's up to him to save everybody before they wind up dead...or worse."
Grammar-
This sentence can be simplified as it may be confusing when read.
Your example...
"He dyed his brown fuzz to black to keep people from noticing that he was who he was...and it worked."
My example...
"He dyed his brown fuzz to black so people wouldn't notice him, and it worked."
✿
So far, I've noticed that you are telling most of the story, especially at the start of the chapter.
You are listing the things of Phillip routine. One way to improve is by adding in the senses. What is the scenery like? What place does he live in? I'm actually intrigued because he is a bear, but I get the impression he lives in a normal house and not a cave. The readers won't know unless you describe these details for them.
Your examples...
"He went to his room to change out of his sleeping clothes and into his work clothes."
"He shaved his chin and his extra chin..."
"...and brushed his teeth until it was white."
You could make these sentences a little less mandatory by talking about his clothes. What do they feel like?
My suggestion would be...
"He picked up the sharp shaver as he shaved both chins until the fur was a perfect length. There was food stuck in his teeth from last night's dinner. Phillip was a clean individual that liked to look his best as he squirted toothpaste on his brush."
✿
You don't have to use my exact example, but you can switch up your sentences by trying to add more detail. Instead of saying he did this and then he changed into that and then he went to work.
You do switch tenses from past to present. I would suggest sticking to the past as you started the first half in the past tense.
Your examples of the past tense...
"He stood at the checkout and laid his face on the scanner."
"Phillip grunted and turned off the tv."
"He sat on his leather chair..."
Your examples of the present tense...
"His coworker is named Stephen Olds. He is slender..."
"Golden is a brown spotted pig."
"is" is considered present tense. A way to improve this is by swapping it with "was."
Suggestions could be...
"Stephen Olds, my co-worker was a golden retriever."
(You don't need to talk about him wearing the same uniform as most employee's wear the same anyway. It's irrelevant).
"Gordon was a brown spotted pig."
✿
You could change this example...
" I had to follow my wife around Macy's until she said she was done the shopping!"
Here is my suggestion...
"I followed my wife around Macy's until she finished shopping."
or this...
"I followed my wife around Macy's until she let me know when she had finished shopping."
Punctuation-
(Chapter One)
"Ten years later..."
This can be in italics, so it will be separate from the rest of the other text.
Your example...
"He looked in the mirror and saw himself, the former officer of the A.P.D. Phillip Burns. But that was ten years ago."
This sentence can be fleshed out for an easier read.
My example...
"He looked in the mirror and saw himself, the former officer of the A.P.D. He was the one and only, Phillip Burns, but he left ten years ago."
✿
Your example...
"Halloween is only two days away," Said a lady on the party city commercial. "do you have your costumes ready?"
A tip here would be, when you end a sentence with a comma, the said has to start with a lower case letter and not capital.
And if you end with a full stop, the start of the next sentence of speech quotations have to start with a capital letter.
Here is my suggestion...
"Halloween is only two days away," said a lady on the party city commercial. "Do you have your costumes ready?"
✿
Just remember that there shouldn't be a space between the speech marks and the words. You also need to start each new sentence with a capital letter.
Your example...
" good morning, everybody."
This should be...
"Good morning, everybody."
Here are a few more examples...
" that bad?"
Should be this...
"That bad?"
" how was your weekend?"
Should be this...
"How was your weekend?"
✿
Your example...
"Your Clair."
This should be...
"You're Clair."
Character Development-
I like your book. It's unique and that's good. I haven't read a book like yours before, at least it's not cliché.
You do well to describe Phillip at the beginning. He is a bear that once had it all until Maverick shows up who steals his limelight. You show us a glimpse of what Phillip was like in the prologue. A local hero within the community and someone that appeared in the newspapers.
You do a good job with letting us see him ten years later and how leaving the police force has left him in a lazy state.
One thing I would say is you introduce a lot of animal characters within the first half of the chapter.
(Gordon, Stephen, Pedro, Mack)
It was a little confusing especially when they are all communicating with each other.
I would suggest spacing them out a little, so the reader has time to connect and understand each one. Otherwise, it can be a little bit of a blur.
I think I said this earlier, but a suggestion could be to add in more descriptions about the environment. One scene is at the beach. Own it and write about everything, readers love the small details.
Another suggestion would be to cut out some of the unnecessary dialogue between the characters. You only need things that will push your story forward. If it does nothing for your story, then you should remove it.
This is where the famous saying comes in. 'Kill your Darlings.'
A tip- Having a long chapter is fine, but when it comes to the wattpad platform, it can be quite daunting to read three thousand plus words. Many people read on phones or on the go. It's hard. I would suggest splitting or make this chapter shorter to gain more readers. Then when you come to publish, you can do what you like.
I noticed a few people that have really long chapters. I read a chapter that was seven thousand words for book club, and it took me two days. If it wasn't for that, I would never read it.
That's just something to think about as the author has to think about their target audience and the layout too.
Overall Enjoyment-
I would say your main focus would be on grammar/punctuation. You need to remember to use capitals each time you start a new sentence and no spaces between speech marks.
You have an interesting story idea, which I probably wouldn't have read if I hadn't reviewed it. So, thank you for requesting.
Keep writing and you will surely improve.
I hope this review will help you in some way.
Thank you for letting me review your book. Please check "A.P.D (Animal Police Department) Druglords, Murderers, Donuts" if you've got time.