(Bookworms Review Community)
Author: arthurajiri
Genre: Mystery/Thriller
Chapters: 5 chapters
Cover-
Your cover suits the title and genre. The red font could suggest blood and death. The only thing I would say is I couldn't read the small red lettering at the bottom. I also couldn't read your name, which is important.
Blurb-
I like that you started your blurb with a rhetorical question.
Your blurb is short but sweet, which hits all the right notes.
The one thing I would suggest is to remove the dialogue that you put in the blurb. This is like a spoiler for the readers, and they will come to that particular dialogue later in the chapter.
I can see that you want to create a mysterious vibe. You do this already with this particular line, "you're next sweetheart," which sets up the book nicely.
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I noticed a few punctuation errors within the blurb.
Your example.
"Jacob Madison asked her to go on a date with him of which she refused only to wake up to the news of him been found dead in the woods the next day with a text stating, "you're next sweetheart"
There should be a comma after "refused" to split the clauses otherwise this will be a run-on sentence. I would suggest putting a comma before "sweetheart" as it's a form of endearment or it's addressing someone in particular.
Here is my suggestion.
"Jacob Madison asked her to go on a date with him of which she refused, only to wake up to the news of him found dead in the woods the next day with a text stating, "you're next, sweetheart."
Grammar-
Prologue
"The ground was sticky as it rained, this, impending her movements."
I would consider changing the word "impending" as it suggests present tense and so far, you write in the past tense.
A suggestion could be this...
"The ground was sticky as it rained. This impeded her movements."
The word "impeded" is the same but is the past participle.
Another suggestion could be this if you wanted to keep the word.
"The ground was sticky as it rained, impending her movements."
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I would consider removing this sentence "She brought her phone out of her pocket," because in the sentence before, you say, "As she ran, she tried calling for help on her cellphone."
This suggests that she already has her phone in her hands as she was running so, "She brought her phone out of her pocket," isn't necessary.
A suggestion could be...
"As she ran, she tried to get her phone out of her pocket and call for help."
This sentence combines the two sentences together for it to make sense.
"From the shadows, he watched her. He saw her cry out for help but let her shout all she wanted..."
A suggestion could be this...
"From within the shadows, he observed her silently as she cried for help."
I think this could bring more suspense and that eerie vibe.
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"He knew that they would be no one coming."
This sentence is grammatically wrong. You used "they" instead of "there."
My suggestion...
"He knew that there would be nobody coming, and her voice became weaker as time passed."
Please feel free to take my suggestions if you so wish.
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"He liked to have fun in the chase, watching as his victims run and scream for help."
This sentence is good. You just have to remember that you are writing in the past tense. "scream" is present.
The past would be "screamed."
"run" should be "ran" in this sense.
A suggestion could be...
"He liked to have fun in the chase, watching as his victims ran and screamed for help."
(Don't worry, tenses are hard. I found it a struggle as I kept switching from past to present)
"She stopped in her tracks and bringing her hands to her neck,"
Again, "bringing" is the present tense. I would suggest using "brought."
So, it will look like this.
"She stopped in her tracks and brought her hands to her neck,"
"...looked up to see who it was but the person was wearing a black mask..."
"wearing" and "smiling" can be changed to "wore" and "smiled."
A suggestion here could be...
"...looked up to see who it was but the person wore a black mask and smiled down at her."
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"It wanted more,"
Did you mean him? "He wanted more,"
"It enjoyed the way the blood splashed on his face."
A suggestion could be to change "it" into a pronoun.
"He enjoyed the way the blood splashed on his face."
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"Winston High was not a school that you would wanting to go late."
This sentence is a little wordy and unclear. You are using the wrong verb form.
I would consider changing the sentence structure.
Here is a suggestion.
"Winston High wasn't the type of school that you would want to turn up late."
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"She shivered as she saw the leaves on the tree moving at the sign of a wave of hard wind hitting it."
I get the gist of what you are trying to say. This sentence is unclear to the reader. Sometimes simple is better.
A suggestion could be...
"She shivered as the leaves swayed with the strong blast of wind."
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Chapter four
"They were people dancing..."
It should be...
"There were people dancing..."
"This dressing would be for waste..."
Another suggestion could be....
"This dress would be a waste...."
I feel like that sounds clearer.
Punctuation-
I noticed some missing comma's in this section.
Your example...
"The rain poured down heavily making her strain her eyes and wipe vigorously on the screen to keep the water out but there was no signal."
My suggestion...
"The rain poured down heavily, making her strain her eyes and wipe vigorously on the screen to keep the water out, but there was no signal."
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"Oh...Lisa!!"
A good grammatical rule would be to stick to one exclamation mark. It's very common to overdo it with the exclamation marks, but it's incorrect.
It should look like this.
"Oh...Lisa!"
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Chapter one
"Get your ass off the bed and go get ready, it's already 7 am" her mum said..."
In any dialogue with he said/she said, there should always be a comma before the speech marks.
So, the sentence should look like this.
"Get your ass off the bed and go get ready, it's already 7 am," her mum said..."
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"Hey, honey!! don't choke on your food..."
Remember that there should be a capital letter after you use a question mark or exclamation mark.
"Hey, honey! Don't choke on your food..."
"Yes, mum!! heard you" she yelled back..."
A small tip here would be to capitalise "Mum" as it's an introductory word like "Yes, Peter."
When it's "my mum" there is no need for capitals.
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Don't forget to use full stops to end a sentence, which is really important. I noticed that you didn't use any full stops to end your dialogues before your dialogue tags.
Example.
"Hey!! Brittany!! Over here" Clara called out..."
In this instance, you need a comma after "here."
"Hey! Brittany! Over here," Clara called out..."
Character Development-
In the prologue, the first paragraph is gripping for an opener as it draws the reader in.
The prologue was very good and gripping. We learn a lot like her name. Lisa doesn't recall how she ended up in the woods, who captured her or why she is there.
Chapter one shows a lot of character development. We learn about new people as they make their way to school.
We start to understand more as readers about Lisa. She was stabbed a lot of times and eventually found in the woods. We start to know what kind of person she was, apparently a kind girl but the end seems more sinister.
Maybe there is more to Lisa than what we know so far. This is a good chapter.
In chapter two, it was nice to see an ordinary conversation between the girls about going to a party. There wasn't anything moving this chapter along with consideration to the plot. You could talk more about the text message that is on one of the girl's phones. I know that if I was her, I would be scared, and my heart would be in my mouth with fear.
I liked how in chapter three you introduced three new male characters. Any one of them could be the killer, and I have a feeling that each one will try to get close to Sarah.
In chapter five, I would suggest whose POV it is. You don't have to state a name. You can just put in italics or bold "mysterious man POV" or "Killer's POV."
Anything to give us an indication that this chapter isn't in the 3rd person and it is a POV of someone in particular.
It's also nice and refreshing if you could extend the killers POV in this chapter. It's dark, and it would be nice to get inside the mysterious person's mind. What makes him tick? Why did he choose Sarah and not Clara?
Overall Enjoyment-
I agree with a previous comment about putting sounds and noises in italics.
The only main issue is your grammar, punctuation (lack of) and your tenses.
You keep switching between past and present throughout. I've corrected some in this review. I would suggest to re-read over the chapters to see if you've missed a full stop in dialogues and to minimise your exclamation marks.
I liked your story so far. I especially liked the creepy stalkerish parts. A suggestion would be to extend those parts and make them longer since your genre is mystery/thriller, I don't see much going on within these chapters.
Thank you for letting me review your book. Please check "Death in the Woods" if you've got time.