Author: @I_Dxnt_Even_Knxw
Chapters: 5 chapters
Genre: Fantasy/ Dark Fantasy
Specific: Grammar and Sentence structure
Sentence Structure:
Chapter One -
I notice that some sentences are passive, and we should try to write with an active voice. Passive voice basically means that the sentence is worded in a way that makes it difficult for the readers to understand.
"It was decided then that the entire kingdom was invited to feast and party in the great hall."
This appears to be passive. All you need to do is to reword the sentence to make it seem clearer.
Here is my example, which you can use if you want to.
"With a feast in the great hall, the entire kingdom was invited to join in with the festivities."
This sentence sounds cleaner but also conveys the same meaning as your original sentence.
(I have trouble with passive voice, so I use a free grammar online checker or Grammarly).
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Another example I found of passive voice was this sentence.
"Soon after, the doors were opened, and the hall flooded with people of all ages."
Some of the commas are in the wrong place.
Here is my example which you may use if you want to.
"Soon after the door opened, the hall flooded with people of all ages."
You write in the past tense, and it's quite common to keep using "was" or "were," but this can also create a passive voice.
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A great way to help with sentence structure is by varying the lengths of your sentences. I noticed you like to use a lot of short sentences, which is great but can make this appear monotonous. That's why punctuation is important.
An example I found.
"Everything fell silent. It was just a young princess and the baby."
Here is my example which you may use if you want to.
"Silence filled the room as it was just the princess and the baby."
This doesn't change what you wrote originally but gets rid of the short sentence.
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Chapter Two-
"It poured with rain, and when I mean pour, I mean like rocks falling from the sky type of pour of rain."
I know what you meant when you tried to describe the rain. This seems a little unclear and a little repetitive with the word "pour."
An example could be this.
"It poured with rain and when I mean pour, I meant the rain pelted from the sky."
Pelted means heavy rain.
A way to improve could be to search up words with similar meanings. You described the rain to be heavy like falling rocks. If you type "another word for heavy rain" into google, lots of similar words should appear. This will help widen your use of vocabulary.
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"My mother and step-dad, Conor, had gone away for a couple of nights and my brother, Noah, had gone to stay with his grandparents, leaving me to fend for myself."
There isn't anything wrong with this paragraph, but it's a run-on sentence. That just means there are a lot of commas when you don't need them. That's what a full stop is for.
Here is my example.
"My brother Noah went to stay with his grandparents, leaving me to fend for myself."
A tip could be to read your sentences out loud to yourself. Remember a comma is used as a mini pause.
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You have the basic structure when it comes to writing, which is great. These examples just need minor fixing.
"I breathed heavy."
A suggestion could be "I breathed heavily."
"...followed by my mother's voice shout Noah's name."
A suggestion here could be "...followed by my mother's voice as she shouted Noah's name."
"Jasper pounding out the door."
A suggestion could be "Jasper pounded on the door."
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Chapter Three-
This was a better chapter as I couldn't find any mistakes. You definitely improve within the third, fourth and fifth chapter.
Chapter Four-
Some sentences are good, but you just have to find the right word.
"Rage bubbled through my blood."
A suggestion could be this.
"Rage bubbled through my veins."
This sounds a little better.
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Chapter Five-
"There were many evil creatures and monsters released into Tenth Land when the queen took rule."
The last part of this sentence doesn't quite make sense.
A suggestion could be this.
"There were many evil creatures and monster released into Tenth Land when the queen ruled this land."
Grammar:
Chapter One-
In this sentence, there should be a comma after "suddenly".
So, it should look like this "Suddenly, she jumped back when she came face to face with the princess."
Again, I think Grammarly can really help you with the grammar.
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"I just came to see my beautiful niece, of course!".
There is no need for the full stop after the speech marks. The exclamation mark acts as the full stop. (My top tip is to remember the dot at the bottom of the exclamation mark, which can help you to remember that no full stop is needed).
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I assume you know the difference between "It's" and "Its."
"It's"= It is
"Its" = its (The cat hurt its paw)
"The cries from the baby becomes stronger as it demanded it's mothers attention."
The "it's" in this sentence should be "its."
I hope that makes sense.
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"Elizabeth ran over to the window, her overly full dress and flat shoes slowing her down."
Remember that you are writing in the past tense, so "slowing" should be "slowed."
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Chapter Two-
These small examples I noticed where you change tenses, or you use a present term.
"But when I am, every creak or noise makes me jump."
A suggestion could be to change "makes" to "made."
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"My heart pounded, and I back away."
A suggestion could be to change "back" to "backed."
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I couldn't find any other grammar mistakes in the last three chapters.
My favourite quote from your book is "Chunky but funky."
You did a really good job, have faith in your abilities. <3
I hope this review helped, and please ask questions if you don't understand anything I've written.
Thank you for letting me review your book. Please check "Into The Forest" if you've got time.