* This review may contain spoilers *
Username: bibliophiliabelle
Genre: Romance/ New Adult / Mystery
Chapters: 5 chapters
Specific: N/A
Book
Cover -
The cover fits the mystery sort of vibe. It actually reminds me of "Pretty Little Liars" because it centres around a group of friends and something happens one horrible night.
Blurb -
The blurb isn't that bad. You have all the right parts and components but needs a little readjusting. For example, it would look cool if the second paragraph came first, briefly introducing the characters.
Grammar -
(Chapter Two)
It's good that you include some speech tags, but it would also be nice to include some action tags, especially during the office scene when he is discussing with Sylvester. It's harder for the reader to digest when there are just chunks of narration or dialogue without description.
For example, the paragraph beginning with, "How are we going to manage the finance for this event?" He rambles on for the rest of the paragraph, just pure dialogue of him talking to himself when you could add some action to show that he is fumbling around. Like he could be fumbling with papers, notes or trying to find his glasses. What does he even look like? One way of getting action tags in is by combining them with his appearance. (He takes a pause, tightening his tie around his neck) etc...
(Chapter Three)
Since chapter one, I've noticed you like writing simple sentences and you tend to over-repeat things in the following sentences that we already know.
For example...
{Example from chapter one}
"But tonight is different than all other nights. Tonight I can't enjoy the emptiness of the night. The darkness is undeniably extreme tonight. The darkness didn't belong to this night, it belong to my past. The past from which I'm trying to run away from."
The first sentence talks about tonight. Followed by how empty it feels. The third sentence talks about how it feels but on an extreme level. Followed by how the darkness didn't feel right on this particular night and how it relates to the past. The final sentence relates to her past; we already know that she is trying to escape it.
This could be rephrased and take up less space by making your sentence structure complex, rather than running around in circles. (I don't know how else to describe it).
A suggestion could be something like this...
{"The blackness of the night is different than any other as the emptiness soaks into my bones. My past keeps haunting me, and wherever I go, the darkness follows. It taunts me with its tantalising ways, but one day, I will outrun it. I have to."}
Note - My example is in the present tense. Because you switch between the two throughout the chapters, you have to pick which tense you feel more comfortable with.
It's not the best example, but I'm a sucker for descriptions. I've used compound sentences to put all I want to say in three sentences and each sentence roughly pushes the story forward.
Here is another example from chapter three...
"I was in contact with everyone except for a few. Those few important people of my past. I miss them very much. They were my best friends."
A suggestion could be...
{"For years, I've been in contact with everyone except for the two most important people that didn't make it. They were my best friends and I miss them very much."}
Again, I've tried to join together sentences and ideas to push the story along. One trick here is to read each sentence and ask yourself, did I repeat anything that I've already written?
Punctuation -
(Chapter Two)
This is a very minor issue, but one that is most common. You tend to overuse punctuation (exclamation marks and question marks) more than once. It's best to use only one punctuation, and not more.
Your examples...
"Mr. Jory McClose!!"
"No, sir...Opzidopsi!!"
"How are we going to welcome them all??"
Incorrect: !! and ??
Correct: ! and ? (just used once)
Character Development/ Plot -
(Chapter One)
A short but impactful chapter. As a reader, we quickly understand the pain she had endured on that one night, and how meeting everybody at the reunion will bring back ugly memories. I'm glad she is doing the right thing and almost standing up for herself by showing up, although so many people in her past have caused her harm.
There's a quote that fits Hazel pretty well, {'It's better to show up than to give up.' - Bernie Sanders}
We don't have much to go on, but I sense a seek of revenge for the rest of the gracians.
(Chapter Two)
Here, we're introduced to Jose, the head principal. He seems like he has the world on his shoulders and only has the title of his job for another reason, not because he is good at it.
There is some tension between him and Rayn - that much is obvious. I do feel like you could show us the palpable tension between the two. Rayn can't wait to get rid of Jose's power of being principal, but there's nothing to show us that Jose dislikes him apart from referring to him as "the devil of the son." I think rephrasing it would be better as {"the son of the devil."}
Perhaps you could show us some kind of emotion that would connect us to how Jose is feeling. Is he sweating, tapping his fingers on his desk, biting his lip etc...
(Chapter Three)
Rayn appears to not have many friends as he has made enemies with most of them, everybody apart from Hazel. I wonder why they are doing the reunion now after eight years and why they didn't try to make it sooner to bury the hatchet, as they say.
(Chapter Four)
I love the fact that you show us in dialogue that Lara has a French accent. It brings out character development for this character.
Anna has a huge crush on Hayden and that's made apparent from the way she gushes about him. She also talks about how the slave's daughter ruined everything for them that night eight years ago. It's getting interesting because I want to know what happened between Hazel and Anna and why they hate each other so much.
(Chapter Five)
So, today is the big day - Reunion day. I'm expecting big things since there's been a steady build up to this point.
I am confused about who is who and the relationship with everybody. There are a lot of characters and you haven't really gone into depth with any of the characters, so it's hard to distinguish the relationships with them all.
Overall Enjoyment -
While I liked some aspects of the story, I did get confused as I read chapter five. Up until that point, it's just been focusing on one character at a time, but chapter five was confusing because it jumps from character to character. I was half-hoping something dramatic would happen or at least some foreshadowing in chapter five to raise the stakes. Even so, keep writing.
Things I think you could improve on are:
.1. Character Development - Multiple POVs - I think the most significant area you need to improve on is character development, and you can do so in the next few areas I talk about. But for now, I will talk about multiple perspectives.
It's really a skill to make each character sound different from the others, even more so when you are including twelve characters. (I think I did the math right). Anyway, that's twelve pov's that might possibly be included within the chapters. You need to have twelve distinct voices because every real/fictional person has a voice.
The problem I had was that each character sounded the same. Maybe that's why I was confused in chapter five.
For example, each character has to have their own idioms.
Jose - (Chapter Two) "...this dumbo never fails to ruin my mood."
Shiro - (Chapter Five) calls Rayn "dumbo heir."
Is it a coincidence that both characters use the same word?
Also, "Alas" appears in the narration in almost every chapter. Because this is first person, multiple pov's, it's unlikely that the word "alas" will be said or thought by each character.
.2. Description - Lack of description based on appearance/ surroundings - Description is your best friend. It can greatly improve your character development. I had no idea what each character looked like (no hair colour, eye colour, body build).
Readers need something to go off of before they can picture the character in their heads and I don't mean by adding a cast list. You still need to describe in writing the appearance.
.3. Emotion - Lack of emotional connection - This relates to the previous point where the description is everything. What is the character feeling? Show us what the character is feeling through action tags/ speech tags/ body language. I couldn't really feel anything towards Hazel because you didn't show us how the past affected her. You did talk about it, though.
You could talk about tears streaming down her face, or how she clenches her fists when she thinks of her past. Does she have insomnia? Is she on anti-depressants?
.4. Grammar/ Punctuation - I put this point last because I know English isn't your first language. So I wasn't going to make this the top point to discuss; however, you do need to check your work. Perhaps an editor or a group of beta readers can help you. There are a lot of mistakes and misspellings of words, and you switch tenses consistently. I left inline comments on things that struck me as I was reading but definitely listen to your readers' suggestions.
Go on YouTube and watch videos on writing. Practice writing daily. Use Grammarly, a spell checker or ProWriting Aid as a guide. Read, read, read. (Traditional books, not just Wattpad books).
Please remember that this review is based solely on my opinion. If you so wish for the review to be removed in any shape or form, please let me know.
Please keep writing & I wish you all the best on your writing journey!
Thank you for requesting the review & I hope it helps you in some way. Please check, "The Reunion: Decagrace," if you have time.