* This review may contain spoilers *
Username: -saeris
Genre: Romance/ mystery in Fanfiction
Chapters: 5 chapters
Specific: Is it interesting enough and a page-turner for readers? Or is it slow? How can I make things better? What major problems are there?
Book
Cover -
I like the cover. It's simple and fits in with this particular Fanfiction.
Blurb -
I thought more could be added to the blurb. It's too brief, and although I read five chapters, I wouldn't have gotten anything from the blurb. I know I've only read five chapters, but there needs to be a correlation between the blurb and the story.
From the first five chapters, these are the points I gathered:
- Taehyung works as a prosecutor in an office with his best friend who is an investigator.
- His girlfriend is mysteriously sick and we don't know why.
- They both need to talk as a couple rather than lie and hide things from each other.
The blurb you have at the moment is too vague.
Your blurb...
"A boy who's trauma bonded to a soul, he can't seem to move on from. A girl who's burning out little by little while paying for her sin of mere existence."
You don't introduce any of the main characters. What's the trauma related to? I don't understand the 'bonded to a soul' part.
The girl is 'burning out little by little,' so I'm guessing her mystery illness could be from exhaustion. Perhaps she is lying and keeping a secret about a sin she has committed. (This is what I assume anyway).
The blurb sort of has to be blunt and straightforward because the readers aren't mind readers. It's easy as an author to know what the story/plot is about because they wrote it, but as a reader, they are starting from point zero. That's why a blurb is important to entice and let the reader know what the book is about.
A suggestion would be to introduce the main characters and give a glimpse of what the plot is about. Where is the setting? What is his job? Then add some sort of conflict, and perhaps pose a question or cliffhanger at the end that gets the reader guessing. It could be related to him being wrongly accused (this ties it back to the prologue).
Grammar -
(Chapter One)
Your example...
"That man who refuses to tell his name."
Instead of "tell his name," you could use 'say his name.'
Your example would work if it's displayed like this... "That man who refuses to tell me his name."
A suggestion could be...
"That man who refuses to say his name."
So both suggestions could work depending on a few details.
(Chapter Two)
Your example...
"With my thoughts flying out of the window, I slammed the door open."
I would consider using a different word to replace 'slammed.' 'Slammed' means to shut with force, like you can slam the door shut, but you can't slam a door open. I would use another variation to the word open. (Heaved, pulled, tugged or opened with force could be examples).
A suggestion could be...
"With my thoughts flying out of the window, I opened the door with force."
Sometimes simple is better.
Punctuation -
(Chapter One)
Your example...
"I wish I could go home too," he let out a sigh..."
This is a very minor issue, but there should be a comma before 'too.'
A suggestion would be...
"I wish I could go home, too," he let out with a sigh..."
Character Development / plot -
(Prologue)
This was a hooking start as we come to learn that he's being held as a prisoner, and I'm guessing he's being held unfairly. The tables have turned on him since he was once a prosecutor himself. Now he's feeling what it's like to be behind bars.
You do a good job showing the emotions he is going through while he mentally and physically adjusts to his situation.
(Chapter One)
In contrast to the previous chapter, this one was a little more mellow. There's a little mystery surrounding the investigators and the death of a woman. I would like to know more about that, which I assume will be addressed more in the following chapters.
I like seeing the interaction between Taehyung and his wife. I was half expecting something to happen to keep me on the edge of my seat, but nothing happened. I don't know why, but when he was choking on the food, I thought it was because his wife had poisoned him - that would have been a twist and a half. *Gone Girl vibes*
I am curious as to why she has to feel that she has to please him so much. She seems like she suffers from low-self esteem and lacks confidence in being a wife.
(Chapter Two)
I'm surprised to learn that Jimin is Areum's brother. It makes sense that he would be concerned and protective of his sister, and that explains the relationship between him and Taehyung.
I'm wondering what illness Areum has. I'm getting a feeling it's more than a cold/flu. You do a good job of building suspense, hinting that there is something more going on under the surface and I can't wait to find out what it is.
It's understandable that Taehyung is worried and concerned about his girlfriend, but at times I found their relationship hot and cold. Areum keeps things from Taehyung, and I'm getting the impression that he walks on eggshells around her, (the phone conversation where he didn't want to wake her up because he wanted her to rest and tried his best not to make her upset or on edge). It was a nice gesture, but it made her situation worse and Areum's reaction was unexpected.
(Chapter Three)
Pregnancy was the initial thought I had but then I thought that would be a little too obvious. She had lost a lot of weight in a few weeks, so I didn't think that this was common.
I'm still trying to work out where the prologue fits into all this.
(Chapter Four)
It was nice to see a different perspective - Park Jimin. It's obvious he is a hardworking investigator that works overtime. Is that because he doesn't have a 'family life' compared to Taehyung and he tries to block out the loneliness.
So, from what I understand, Taehyung wants to start a family, but his girlfriend doesn't want to right now. She is waiting for the right time due to her ambitions. She doesn't want children to get in the way. This is somewhat relatable.
I really like how you go into detail about Taehyung and Areum's relationship. I want to know more about Taehyung's family life when he was younger since he's always held on to wanting unconditional love. You also mentioned in the blurb about his trauma.
(Chapter Five)
I have to say, this chapter had to be the most gripping chapter out of the five chapters as a whole. I love the contrast of how he plans the perfect date. The anticipation. The suspense. I love the romantic vibe you have going on and the little brief moments of their past that you subtly bring in (her favourite restaurant she saw in passing and the type of person she is by preferring food over flowers).
You left me wanting more after the unexpected cliffhanger. I did have a weary feeling that things weren't going to go as planned.
Overall Enjoyment -
I enjoyed the prologue and the fifth chapter the most. They were the most compelling and gripping. There's nothing wrong with the other chapters, but you focused a lot on them as a couple. I didn't know how the prologue would fit in with the story/plot until the cliffhanger in the fifth chapter.
I believe things start to get more exciting after chapter five.
Things you could improve on are:
-1- Re-read and check your work - This is the most obvious, but I noticed some minor errors with a few missing commas and full stops. I didn't pick them out as examples because I'm not that picky. But it's best to keep checking and re-reading your work in intervals and at different times of the day. (You will be surprised at how much your eyes become accustomed to your writing).
To answer your specific questions, it's hard to answer if the chapters I read are page-turners, as reviewing is subjective. Personally, I felt like the prologue hit a good standard. It was gripping and then the thrill went down during chapters one, two, three and four. The end of chapter five picked up things and I could tell things were getting exciting.
I didn't really care so much about their relationship as to wonder why and how things led him to be behind bars.
It's hard for me to point out the specific points on how to make the plot/ storyline better as I've only read nearly half of the book. But for me, I felt the thrill aspect was missing. At times, parts were sad but relatable. You did a good job of showing emotion and getting across what they were feeling.
Please remember that this review is solely based on my opinion. If you so wish for the review to be removed in any shape or form, let me know.
Please keep writing & I wish you all the best with your writing journey!
Thank you for requesting the review & I hope it helps you in some way. Please check, "Sanity," if you have time.