Username: PaleAire
Genre: Romance, LGBTQ+ (MxM)
Chapters: 5 chapters
Specific: Flow, voices, and if the dialogue and prose are balanced
Book
Cover -
I like the cover, although I do think your name could be written in the same colour so it can stand out a little more. The cover fits the title.
Blurb -
Your blurb is great, but I would perhaps reword a few sentences.
Your blurb...
"Richard Topaz, a college student, is forced by his friend to apply to a speed date, where he meets and falls head over heels over a cunning young man. Come to find, Flynn is the Prince of Graivania? Though Richard is still in the closet and his new boyfriend is a big secret from his family. Richard must navigate life while dealing with many challenges that come his way, when his normal and royal life clash."
A suggestion could be...
"Richard Topaz, a college student, is forced by his friend to apply to a speed dating service, where he meets and falls head over heels with a cunning, young man, Flynn, the Prince of Graivania. Though Richard is still in the closet and his new boyfriend is a big secret from his family, Richard must navigate life while dealing with many challenges that come his way. What will happen when his normal life clashes with royalty."
Grammar -
You've done a great job editing and rewriting parts that I didn't find many errors. The ones I did find throughout the chapters, I left inline comments to. I thought that would be easier for the editing process. Sadly, the editing is a long, winded process that can sometimes feel like a never-ending circle. But you are doing great! Keep it up!
Punctuation -
There are a few missing commas, but nothing major. I've left inline comments regarding these.
Character development -
(Chapter One)
Richard comes from an African family with strict views, so it's understandable that he doesn't want to tell his family that he is gay, for fear of what they will say. I like Gina and how forth she is by signing him up for speed dating.
A suggestion would be to make Richard's inner dialogue in italics, rather than bold text. This is because the boldness stands out too much and can pull the reader away from the story. It looks out of place.
(Chapter Two)
I actually like the way you narrate the story as if it's an actual story and the narrator is going over what happened as if it's the past - like a retelling of Richard's story.
Richard is on a speed date and his first date doesn't go the way he was expecting, although I think it was going okay until Stevie brought up the subject of what Richard's family thought about him being gay. Maybe Richard was defensive and that's why he lied, ending the possibility of a second date because he was scared. Either way, his reaction was relatable.
(Chapter Three)
One thing I will say is that the dialogue doesn't need to be in italics. You can have it in normal font because the speech marks indicate that it's spoken text. While his inner thoughts can be in italics instead. Perhaps this is a stylistic choice, but this is most common.
Your strengths are definitely with dialogues. You make them both have distinct voices and that is something that is hard to do.
I'm glad he got on well with Flynn. They sound like they are opposite from each other, but they say opposites attract. It's clear there is some sort of chemistry.
(Chapter Four)
This is the first story I've read that is tackling such a sensitive topic as HIV. I like Richard's friendship with his old school friend, and you even made him relatable when he states he doesn't like hugs. I find that a small personality trait that some people find strange.
If his mother knew all this time that he was gay and was worried about his aunts finding out, she should have tried to find a way to tell them. There's no perfect time to tell them. There's no perfect time for anything. But I do feel like his mother should have confided in him about her worries and had a 'heart to heart' talk. Richard had spent years worried and in hiding over the fears of his mother's opinion.
(Chapter Five)
This was quite a shorter chapter than the others, but a vital one in getting to know where they both stand in the relationship. It must be hard to withstand a relationship with a royal. Maybe Flynn has been in this position before with ex-boyfriends, so he is worried about how this might work out.
The flow so far is smooth and you go from one scene to the other very well. I really found no faults.
Overall Enjoyment -
I enjoyed reading the five chapters and I'm intrigued to see where this will go. They have a good relationship from the get-go and both characters are different in personality. I have a feeling that one of them might be HIV positive since you mentioned that they will both get tested.
Things I suggest you might want to improve are:
Because of the editing, your story doesn't need much attention on the grammatical front. I would just say keep reading over your work and continue with the editing.
Some points you could discuss to further character development could be: - Talk more about his family. His father passed away, but we don't know why. Was he close to his father? - You could talk about the strict views his family have over homosexuality and the origin of his family because his mother mentioned Nigeria, hence why homosexuality is frowned upon. (These are generalised thoughts I had whilst reading).
Keep writing & I wish you all the best with your writing journey!
Thank you for requesting the review & I hope it helps you in some way. Please check, "Falling For Royalty," if you have time.