Username: pour-me-some-liquor
Genre: Romance, Teen Fiction
Chapters: 5 chapters
Specific: N/A
Book
Cover -
I like the cover, but the title doesn't match. It says, "Love and other disasters." A suggestion would be to change the title or to change the cover so that they both match, otherwise it adds to the confusion.
Blurb -
I didn't see any faults with the blurb.
Grammar -
(Chapter One)
You mentioned that this is the unedited version, and you have an edited version, so I'm not sure what edits you have done regarding grammar, but I will vaguely go over a couple. (If you already know this, then please ignore it).
Your examples...
"My dad is 35 years old."
"Since he had me when he was 18..."
Usually, we write ages in word form and not in numerals.
So a suggestion would be...
"My dad is thirty-five years old."
"Since he had me when he was eighteen..."
(Chapter Two)
The same thing applies to this chapter.
Your example...
"...I spot 2 more doors right by mine..."
A suggestion could be...
"...I spot two more doors right by mine..."
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When you use "dad," it should be a capital. When it's "my dad," it's always a lower case because of the 'my'.
Your examples...
"In my dream closet, dad."
"This means dad will be in the room opposite..."
A suggestion would be...
"In my dream closet, Dad."
"This means Dad will be in the room opposite..."
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Just be aware of when you change tenses. You write in the present tense, and you do a great job, but I noticed this example...
"His chest vibrates as he chuckles at my excitement, his arms wrapped around my shoulders."
A suggestion could be...
"His chest vibrates as he chuckles at my excitement, his arms wrap around my shoulders."
(Chapter Three)
Be careful of overusing certain words. You use chuckle a lot.
Your examples...
"No promises dad." I chuckle and pull away."
"Were you drunk when you came up with this name? She chuckles..."
"I chuckle at that, "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."
Punctuation -
(Chapter Three)
When using action tags, there should be a full stop and not a comma.
Your examples...
"Yeah, I figured," I smile at her..."
"Thanks kiddo," She grins at me..."
A suggestion would be...
"Yeah, I figured." I smile at her..."
"Thanks, kiddo." She grins at me..."
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There should be a comma before any name, nickname or noun.
Your examples...
"Good morning honey,"
"Good morning dad."
Suggestions would be...
"Good morning, honey,"
"Good morning, Dad."
Character development/ plot -
(Chapter One)
You add in the right amount of backstory relating to her father and the passing of her late mother. This information is relevant as to why they are moving and as to why the house means a lot to both of them. It's hard to move out of a home that has so many precious memories, so I could relate to the main character and what she's going through.
(Chapter Two)
They move into their new expensive looking house. I like the details of the interior of the rooms, but remember not to go overboard. Why? Because some readers aren't going to remember the layout of each room in the following chapters. Only tell/show us the layout when the time is relevant. For example, a suggestion could be she goes to unpack her belongings, then you can describe the closet, or her desk etc. Rather than describe each room and everything in it. This is just an example. Don't feel like you have to describe every little thing in the same chapter. Perhaps you could weave some details throughout this chapter, rather than all in one chunk.
You give us clues about her rebellious side and that she doesn't always like to follow rules. She likes to sneak out and skip classes.
(Chapter Three)
We get a brief introduction to Martha, and she seems quite quirky. The problem I found with the characters is that they all speak the same. They all have a sense of humour, and Martha says "kiddo," when referring to Hera, the same as her dad. If you're going to use certain nicknames etc, make it for an individual to make them unique.
I like Hera and her rebellious personality, but has she always been like that even when her mother was alive? I was wondering if her mother's death had anything to do with her behaviour. It's not really normal to punch a guy in the face on the first day of school.
(Chapter Three - Bonus part)
It's nice to get a different person's perspective and learn about Ridge's relationship with his family. So far, the story is quite cliche with the rich kids getting into an elite school, having luxurious homes and the boy feels like he just has to get to know the new, hot girl. Cliche is okay if that's what you're going for, but making your story unique and having some original aspects can help make your story stand out from the thousands of books on Wattpad. Why does he have to get to know her? Why is everybody rich, hot and rebellious?
(Chapter Four)
Even though Hera was acting in self-defence, I do think detention was the right action in this situation. I love how protective her father is. I'm intrigued to see how the meeting between Hera and Ridge goes. Is he the guy that picked up her sanitary pads in Target?
Overall Enjoyment -
I did enjoy the chapters I read, but I think the only thing I sort of disliked was the fact that everything is perfect. They live in a perfect, rich neighbourhood with a fancy house. They even have a cook and a cleaner. I've read a lot of stories with the same idea on Wattpad, so maybe that's why I couldn't connect with the MC as much.
Things I suggest you improve are:
-1- Editing and polishing your work - You said this was the unedited version, but I suggest you upload an edited version because I noticed quite a few mistakes and errors. You want your work to be the best it can be, so it's a good idea to give readers a polished version - having said this, it doesn't have to be perfect.
Besides the confusion on the title, and minor grammatical errors which I talked about previously, there isn't much I can find fault with.
Keep writing & I wish you all the best with your writing journey!
Thank you for requesting the review & I hope it helps you in some way. Please check, "Friendships And Other Disasters," If you have time.