Username: darkest112
Genre: Werewolf
Chapters: 5 chapters including the Prologue
Specific: N/A
Book
Cover -
The cover is nice and pleasing to look at. The only thing I would say, and this is personal style, but I would use a pen name on the cover instead of the Wattpad username. That's because if you decided to upload the story on another platform, they will have your username and it's not professional. Using a pen name will cover your identity, but will also give you a professional vibe and feel. Again, it's your choice.
Blurb -
I like the blurb, but I feel like you give away too much in the main paragraph. We know she doesn't fit in, that she doesn't know her father, and that she is a werewolf with a demanding inner wolf. We know her life is miserable and that she has a rocky relationship with her mother. You tell the reader that her mother gets killed, which is something the reader should find out. You even included that her pack gets rid of her and she goes to a new pack. There is nothing that I haven't read that has happened in the first five chapters I read because it's all in the blurb.
Let the reader know some things, but keep the rest hidden like a secret. There needs to be a balance of not being vague, but not giving away too much. It's like a trailer for a movie. Have you ever seen a trailer where the whole plot is thrown in and you feel like there isn't any need to watch the movie, it's the same thing. Keep the reader guessing.
Grammar -
(Prologue)
You use quite a few filter words. By removing words such as 'only' 'just' and 'actually,' your writing could be more precise.
Here are some examples...
"She couldn't believe that her mate had actually rejected her..."
"Her mate was just but a mere pack doctor..."
"She only took four shots..."
Suggestions could be...
"She couldn't believe that her mate had rejected her..."
"Her mate was a pack doctor..." (Personally, I would rephrase this as to "Her mate was the doctor of the pack...")
"She took four shots..."
(Chapter One)
You switch tenses throughout the chapter. The majority of the chapter is in the present tense, so I would advise sticking to the tense you are more comfortable with.
Examples of the past tense...
"I tiptoed into our house, crossing my fingers and hoping my mom wasn't in."
"I wasn't really in the mood to get scolded and yelled at..."
"I wasn't being rude..."
"My life was far from normal."
"Pain was no stranger to me anyway."
Suggestions to the present tense could be...
"I tiptoe into our house and cross my fingers, hoping my mom isn't in."
"I'm not really in the mood for her to yell at me over small, petty issues that have little to no importance in our lives."
"I'm not being rude."
"My life is far from normal."
"Pain is no stranger to me anyway."
(Chapter Two)
Again, I'm confused about which tense you're trying to use as you use both together.
You start the chapter in the past tense. Here is an example... "I pushed the door open, trying to act confident, as I stride towards my next class."
If you want to write in the present tense, a suggestion could be, "I push the door open, trying to act confident as I make my way towards my next class."
Then in the next sentence, you switch to present tense. Here is an example... "Swallowing harshly, I try to calm my erratic and wild beatings of my heart."
If you want to stick to the past tense, a suggestion could be, "Swallowing harshly, I tried to calm the erratic and wild beatings of my heart."
Then in the next sentence, you switch back to the past tense, but you continue to use present as well. Here is an example... "School is one place I dreaded and whenever I came here, it never ended well for me."
'is' - present tense
'dreaded' 'ended' - past tense
If you want to write this in the present tense, a suggestion could be, "School is one place I dread, and whenever I come here, it never ends well for me."
If you want to write in the past tense, a suggestion could be, "School was a place I dreaded, and whenever I come here, it never ended well for me."
You then switch back to the past tense. Here is an example... "I was lucky I was in my final year though."
If you want to write this in the present tense, a suggestion could be, "I'm lucky that this is my final year."
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Be careful of using repetition. Here is an example, "Shaking my head to class, I head to class my head bowed down..."
A suggestion could be, "Shaking my head, I proceeded to my next class..." (past tense)
"Shaking my head, I proceed to my next class..." (present tense)
(Chapters four & five)
Your grammar gets a little better in these chapters as you mostly stick with the present tense.
Punctuation -
Your punctuation wasn't that bad. You do miss the placement of commas, or you place a comma in the wrong place.
Tip - Use the 'text to speech' and have your laptop read back over your work. Play it several times at different speeds because it will help you to find the subtle pauses where a comma should go.
You can also change the font size or colour, which will help you to spot simple errors whilst reading over your work. Sometimes all you need is a fresh pair of eyes to skim over your work.
Character development/ plot -
(Prologue)
You do a good job showing Miranda's emotional turmoil from being rejected by her mate. I wonder why he rejected her. One thing leads to another, and by the end, I can see a possible result of what will happen.
(Chapter One)
One thing I loved and thought was unique was the fact that Corrine can't ever have a mate because her mother didn't mate with her intended mate. I've never seen that before, although I haven't read many werewolf books. You show us that she doesn't have a good relationship with her mother and doesn't even have any similarities based on appearance. Perhaps she resembles her father.
Corrine's life seems centred around the outcome of never being able to find a mate and the repercussions surrounding her mother's actions. Corrine has to pay the consequence.
(Chapter Two)
I love that Corrine is trying to adapt to her fate of being mateless and looking toward the future. It must be hard when she is surrounded by mates and that is something expected from them at an early age. It's normal she is feeling like an outcast. I'm guessing this has never happened before.
(Chapter Three)
I love the hidden conflict that is at the end. Her mother, although they had a distant relationship, was protecting her daughter from the pack. Now, Corrine has to run and protect herself from the pack, all because she is deemed mateless for the rest of her life.
But is this the only reason why Chase doesn't like Corrine? I feel like there is more going on.
(Chapter Four)
This is an interesting turn of events. She has to join the enemy pack which has been decided over the course of her life, but Corrine has no say in the matter. I'm wondering if she will try to escape and go rouge, or will she accept her fate. Something about her character tells me she will try to escape and get revenge for her mother's death.
(Chapter Five)
I don't know why Corrine's mother didn't leave earlier and try to build a better life for Corrine. I think going rouge would have been a better outcome for Corrine then staying with the pack. The pack seem horrible.
Since we're five chapters in, I would like to see Corrine's wolf and more of a connection with her inner wolf. Several times it says she tries to keep her wolf calm and in check, but werewolves have anger issues, and not once did her wold pop out when she was feeling 'something.'
Overall Enjoyment -
I did enjoy reading your book, but I felt like some parts were rushed and I forgot I was reading a werewolf book. I'm guessing more happens between the pack later on in the chapters and her wolf comes out, but in the first five chapters, nothing really hints that this is a werewolf book apart from the words 'Alpha' 'pack' etc.
Things I think you could improve are:
-1- Grammar - Tenses - Throughout the chapters, I was confused on which tense you were trying to stick to. You switched back and forth. A free online grammar checker like Grammarly really helped me with my grammar (I used to suck until I tried this). I use Grammarly for everything because it gives me confidence.
-2- Widen vocabulary - Your vocabulary is basic (that's not necessarily a bad thing), but I notice you overuse certain words like smirk and head. Corrine constantly refers to her mother's mate rejecting her. Telling the readers once or twice is enough.
Try and only use one word each in every sentence. For example, search for other words for 'head' in Google, or 'smirk.'
Every writer has specific words we go to. Stephenie Mayer overuses the word 'chuckle.' Edward is always chuckling. How many people do you know in real life that chuckle all the time when they talk? Not very many.
You use 'smirk' over eleven times in just the first five chapters. You say 'smirk' and 'smirking' twice in the same sentence when referring to Chase. I'm pretty sure Chase smirks in his sleep.
If you want to find out which words you overuse, you can type into the search engine (if you use Word or any other online document) and it will show you the word throughout your entire manuscript. That's why it's a good idea to have your work in a document, not just on a phone.
Keep writing & I wish you all the best with your writing journey!
Thank you for requesting the review & I hope it helps you in some way. Please check, "Bonds And Bones," if you have time.