Username: ridhikamini
Genre: Action, Fiction
Chapters: 5 chapters (including Prologue)
Specific: N/A
Book
Cover -
The cover isn't bad. It relates to the genre and to the chapters I've read so far.
Blurb -
The blurb is okay. However, I do think it could be improved. A suggestion would be to add the protagonist's name so the reader has some information about the main character of the story they're about to read. All they know is that she is a RAW agent.
I would also introduce key aspects to make the blurb more interesting and to hook the reader. For example, you can add that her husband recently died in an attack or that she is family-orientated as she seems to put her family first. Then this line will make sense and add more to her character as we know she will do anything to save her daughter, "Will she be able to save her family? Or sacrifice her life for it?"
Grammar -
(Chapter Three)
* I left inline comments about the switching tenses.
Punctuation -
(Chapter One)
The commas need to be inside the quotation marks and some need to be removed.
Your examples...
"Do we know who they were?", asked Sun."
"...they were sent by the Indian government", answered Jupiter."
"Anything at all??!!", screamed Mars angrily."
Suggestions may be...
"Do we know who they were?" asked Sun."
"...they were sent by the Indian government," answered Jupiter."
"Anything at all?!" screamed Mars angrily." (you don't need a comma after the ?! and you don't need so many question marks/exclamation marks. One is enough)
Note - Remember that full stops and commas go within the speech marks and not after.
Character development/ plot -
(Prologue)
The only major thing I can critique is you mostly tell rather than show. A prologue is vital because it's the backbone of how your story will proceed. For example, it sets the genre, the pace, the tone and the premise of the story. Because this is thriller/ action, you would assume there would be fighting, action, some drama, but there wasn't anything.
The main character, Ria, narrates the story of how she lost her husband in battle from fighting terrorists. This would be okay if all the information wasn't telling and in the prologue, but you miss opportunities to make this more exciting. For example, her husband died five months ago, so the prologue is re-telling what happened. Perhaps you can start the prologue by actually having the day he died or putting Ria into the action. Put the main characters and us, the readers, into the action and watch everything unfold in real time. Depending on your style and maturity rating, you could make it gory and describe the action, since it's action themed and ISIS related. (Totally off-topic, but it's like having a vampire book without blood if you get my drift).
Here is an example where you tell the reader, but you could expand with 'showing.'
"I took four men down who were guarding the room..."
How did she take them down? She's a soldier, so did she use karate moves, walk up to them and talk to them? There are no details or descriptions about if she is armed. Are they armed?
Another example...
"I was almost near them when suddenly an explosion was heard through my earpiece."
Again, here you could 'show' her feelings. What is she feeling at this moment? That's why I said the prologue would benefit from having it unfold in real time and not a story being narrated five months later. As a reader, I feel nothing towards the protagonist or her husband.
If that was my husband, and I didn't know where he was and there was an explosion, I wouldn't be as calm as she was.
If the explosion is near, she would feel something. The floor would shake, the ceiling might collapse or the objects will move and the noise of the explosion would be so loud she might throw away the earpiece. The sound could also damage her eardrum.
Having said all that, I liked the idea behind the prologue, the premise of revenge and the brief plot I read from the blurb.
(Chapter One)
I love the use of code names. It did take me a hot minute to realise they were code names as it got confusing. A suggestion could be to write next to the code name, the actual person who is speaking so the reader can follow along. I have no idea who Sun, Mars and Jupiter are.
One thing that is lacking in this chapter is the description of the scenery and the appearance of the characters. Where are they? (I don't mean just location, but are they in a building, office, barn etc). What do they look like?
(Chapter Two)
I would advise you to flesh out your scenes by adding more descriptions. For example, when her daughter has a low-grade fever, I would add more descriptions to set the scene. What are her feelings? Is her daughter getting medical treatment to cure the infection? Take time to describe everything because this can really help your readers connect with each character.
It's nice to see Raj and Ria talking about what happened that night her husband died and sharing how they were feeling. They share the same guilt and anger and that's understandable.
(Chapter Three)
I like that you added some basic description about the guy and I also quite liked the information about the man that they are trying to hunt down. My previous comments apply, but I can see where the next chapter might lead us. I'm hoping there will be some incoming action while they try to chase down this gangster.
(Chapter Four)
This has to be the best chapter so far. Some of the dialogue made me laugh and really sets apart some of the characters. Ria doesn't have any flaws until now. She's one of the best RAW agents, is great with planning and I'm guessing she is beautiful, intelligent and witty. I feel like there needs to be a flaw to make her more relatable.
Overall Enjoyment -
I've read this story before because I see my old comments, but I haven't completed it. I liked the chapters I've read so far, but I felt like the chapters lacked conflict and action. Perhaps this will come later on, but there needs to be a hook.
Things you could improve on are:
1- Pacing - Because you don't describe your character's personality, appearance or scenery, many scenes are fast and quick, which makes the past a little fast. In one of the chapters, the flashback was only a paragraph long, which wasn't necessarily needed. You could make the flashback longer, or remove it entirely and show through dialogue that Ria knew about the code name and knew what to reply to.
2 - Descriptions - This leads on from the point above, but many scenes need fleshing out by adding descriptions about what the characters look like. What are their likes/dislikes and features? Where do they live? What is important to them? What are their fears? What does her room look like? What clothes does she wear? What car does she drive?
Some of these points may seem pointless, but knowing every little detail about your character will help you make them three dimensional. I suggest keeping a notebook where you write down everything about each character. This will help slow down the pace.
Keep writing & I wish you all the best with your writing journey!
Thank you for requesting the review & I hope it helps you in some way. Please check out, "Unstoppable" if you have time.