Username: Manglepony3
Genre: Fanfiction
Chapters: 6 chapters
Specific: How to improve writing and my thoughts on their relationship
Book
Cover -
Because I don't know exactly who they are, I did have to research their names. I guess the cover is relevant if you're into this fandom. It's hard for me to review based on the cover.
Blurb -
I liked the blurb when I read it the first time. Once I finished reading the book, I felt like there were a lot of opportunities that were missed that you could have explored further.
Grammar -
I saw no issues regarding grammar!
Punctuation -
This is a minor issue that I point out in most of my reviews, but it's regarding commas and full stops and when to use them correctly.
When using speech tags, a comma should be used. When using action tags, a full stop should be used.
Your examples...
(Chapter one)
"...Right." Ryan muttered, looking away."
A suggestion would be...
"...Right," Ryan muttered, looking away."
(Chapter two)
"Yes, Mr. Ryan."Lewis answered and opened the door."
A suggestion would be...
"Yes, Mr Ryan," Lewis answered and opened the door."
(Chapter four)
"Be safe. Please." He answered..."
A suggestion would be...
"Be safe, please," he answered..."
There are more examples throughout all the other chapters.
Character development/ plot -
(Chapter one - 'Same as Always')
It's always hard to review about characters relating to a fanfiction I'm not aware of, but I'll give it a try. I'm guessing Ryan and Lewis have a really good friendship considering they finish each other's sentences. One wears the same outfit each day, and the other changes his outfit regularly. So, I'm getting Yin and Yang vibes.
(Chapter two - 'Heartbreak')
In this chapter, I get more of a sense of Lewis's relationship with Ryan and how it's just a business friendship more than anything. I could be wrong, but I get a hint of jealousy as Lewis hides his feelings.
I do feel like this scene is rushed, though. If you look at the basic outline of the chapter, as follows:
Two men walk into the office.
They introduce themselves.
They share a common name about a case.
A kiss forms.
The men leave.
Nothing really pushes the plot forward, only the fact that it's clear Marcus has feelings for Ryan and Lewis is jealous as he turns away. The kiss was unexpected and unrealistic, as to me, it felt like Marcus went to the office solely for the kiss. Does Ryan know Marcus? I find it weird that Marcus just randomly kissed a stranger. If they know each other, maybe you could state this. If it really was about the case, more details should be involved about the missing mother and daughter. Until now, the reader has no information to go on about the case or about the rebellion.
(Chapter three - 'We need to talk')
The readers get to understand Lewis's true feelings. When he's battling with his inner voice, I would format it in a way to make the dialogue easier to read.
Your example...
'Lewis, look, he never liked you.' (from his inner voice)
'I can dream! I can dream, dammit!' (from Lewis himself talking to his inner self)
'At least you know he's gay.' (from his inner voice)
'But what if he's not?' (from Lewis talking to his inner self)
See how it's confusing to read without referring to who said what. Even though the dialogue isn't spoken dialogue, it's still between two people - Lewis and his inner thoughts/ voice.
A suggestion could be using italics for Lewis's thoughts/ voice.
'Lewis, look. He never liked you.'
'I can dream! I can dream, dammit!'
'At least you know he's gay.'
'But what if he's not?'
I'm getting a vibe that Ryan is gay, but hasn't openly come out yet since he doesn't want to speak about what happened.
(Chapter four - 'Just Be Safe')
This chapter is pretty adorable. So, I was right. Ryan does have feelings for Lewis, but Lewis thinks he has feelings for Marcus. It's all about one of them making the first move. It's also a nice gesture that Lewis remembered his birthday.
(Chapter five - 'Aww')
I love when I see men get emotional and in touch with their feelings. Things are heating up between them and it's nice to see their friendship turning into something more.
(Chapter six - 'Teamwork')
You know it's serious when they go by a first name basis. It's nice to see that they have a happy ending.
Overall Enjoyment -
This isn't usually the type of book I would read, but as I said before, it's harder to enjoy fanfiction when you're an outsider to this particular fandom.
Things you could improve on are:
1- Description - You lack giving description to all of your characters. I forgot what Lewis and Ryan looked like, although you do occasionally state their eye colour and build. Descriptions like this won't make your readers remember them, but more rather you need unique characteristics and descriptions based on appearance. I actually really loved that Marcus had a big facial scar, proving uniqueness to his character...until, the other man that came with him also had the same scar, lessening this description.
2- Chapter length - I know this is personal preference, but a chapter has to have a start, middle and end. There has to be something happening to revolve around the story and push the plot forward. The chapters were short with some being very short. One chapter, (Just Be Safe), lets me know at the top that it will take me only a minute to read the entire chapter on desktop. I finished the book and there was no mention of the missing people report, the rebellion or the person behind it in any of the chapters (besides the basic briefing). I felt like I read a different book to the blurb. I would like to get to know more about the 'dragon-infested apocalyptic world' and how it has changed over the five years that Lewis and Ryan have known each other. Every story needs a goal and conflict, even fanfiction. There's no conflict and Marcus is a one-time character that appeared only once.
Despite my opinions, you should keep writing and try a basic structure for your next story project. Make the chapters longer with three-dimensional characters and descriptions to set the scenery.
Keep writing & I wish you all the best with your writing journey!
Thank you for requesting the review & I hope it helps you in some way. Please check out "No One Knows You Like I Do (Dawko x 8-Bitryan)" if you have time.