Username: incrediblestories2
Genre: Romance
Chapters: 4 chapters
Specific: Description & imagery. Is it well written? Opinion on writing style, plot and multiple POVs.
Book
Cover -
It's aesthetically pretty and eye-catching. I also like that you included a dandelion which signifies making a wish.
Blurb -
I didn't find any faults with the blurb.
Grammar -
Chapter One:
I would try and avoid repetitive words or phrases in the same paragraph.
Your example...
"I didn't take a moment to breathe in the day."
In the next sentence, you use, "I ran to the car, not taking a moment to bask in the light..."
Readers pick up on this quite quickly.
Punctuation -
Chapter One:
I wanted to point out that you need a comma when stating, "he said/she said," (and it's the same with replied, asked... etc)
Your examples...
"That was Justin. Drive." I replied..."
"Justin is handsome." My mother said..."
Suggestions would be...
"That was Justin. Drive," I replied..."
"Justin is handsome," my mother said..." (lower case for 'my mother' because of the 'my').
Character development/ plot -
Chapter One:
I liked how you introduced the protagonist and her backstory. We get a glimpse of her life, showing us her relationship with her mum and how she feels towards her crush, Justin. Her passion for running is relatable and I liked how you dived into why she likes to run and how it makes her feel. All these details can make your character three dimensional. The pacing is good because you give the readers a 'good vibe' throughout the first half of the chapter with subtle hints about cancer (bruises, dizziness). We know it's going to happen, yet we still hang on for the final bang when she collapses and her world is turned upside down.
Chapter Two:
I'm not usually a fan of multiple POVs because I feel like each character will sound the same, but I like how we see her mother's side of things. It's unusual to see a parent's pov, but it also makes sense considering what's about to unfold. Her emotions are realistic as it's any parent's worst nightmare.
I'm very familiar with AML as my character has been diagnosed in my story, but for other readers that may not be familiar, I would perhaps suggest explaining what it is, the process of treatment, the side effects of treatment etc. I'm sure the parents have a lot of questions surrounding her diagnosis.
I felt like the monthly time skips took away important information about Aubrey's diagnosis as it doesn't feel like we're there with her during her journey. It builds like a barrier over what's happening (like cling film) and stips away the importance of the situation. Because it's in the mother's pov, I also don't get to see the progression of her emotions throughout the entire process. I hope I'm making sense.
Chapter Three:
In some ways, Justin's perspective was a little sad with the bad birthdays and how his parents seem to always forget each year. It tells us a lot about his family and relationships and that he's just a normal teenage boy that craves love and attention from those that matter the most. It's also sad that when good things happen on this particular birthday, he already foresees something bad will happen.
It's nice to see that Justin and Aubrey can help each other, and hopefully, he can make her see that her illness doesn't define who she is as a person.
I felt like some parts were a little rushed. Again, I think it's because of the time skips. There is a small paragraph about eating Ice Cream, which I think you could add more descriptions to flesh this part out.
Chapter Four:
I'm glad good things are starting to come to light for Aubrey. I understand why she would think Justin pitied her and that's why he agreed to go on the date, but I hope he still feels something for her after all these years apart.
Because of the two-year time skip, I'm feeling disconnected from Aubrey and the other characters. She's now cancer-free and returning to school, but what was she doing in the two years away? Was she being homeschooled? Did she take two years off from study? And because it's multi pov, what are the other characters doing within this long time frame? How did her parents deal with her cancer progression? Perhaps the cancer is just a minor subplot, leading up to the major storyline, but the beginning of any story is the most important point and it's a point that builds the backbone of any story.
Overall Enjoyment -
I really enjoyed reading this story! It's a little sad at the beginning, but with the prospect of hope during the later chapters. Your descriptions make it easy to picture what's happening and your style is easy to follow. I can't wait to see how Aubrey and Justin's relationship progresses. I hope you will continue with the story.
Things you could improve on are:
1- Pacing - too much or too little information - In this case, you overuse the time skips often, sometimes more than three times in a chapter and you probably don't even know you're doing it. Time skips can be anything from a few hours, days, months and even years. For example, in chapter two you have one time skip when her mother is at the hospital, another time skip when the doctor comes with the news, the next is a few hours after for the MRI scan, then a month has passed, then two months have passed, then three, then four.
It's similar in every chapter. You could integrate scenes together so it's not so jarring. An example could be in chapter four when she talks about being in hospital for two years and then she talks about having picked an outfit, then there's another mini time skip about what her outfit consists of, then another time skip where she calls for her mother down the stairs to go to school.
What I'm trying to say is, there is a way to flesh out each section and make it run smoothly without the unnecessary use of time skips ( ******). By all means, continue using them, but only when the time is significant enough and when you know it's relevant and the reader isn't losing out on important information.
2- Punctuation - Commas within dialogue/tags - This is quite a common issue that I point out in many of my reviews, but it's the easiest to correct. Remember to use a comma in speech tags like "he/she said, replied, asked" and use full stops for action tags like "coughed, laughed, sighed."
For example, "Okay." I say..."
Suggestion, "Okay," I say..."
Keep writing & I wish you the best with the rest of your writing journey!
Thank you for requesting the review & I hope it helps you in some way. Please check, "Make A Wish" if you have time.