Username: amaranthinepoetry
Genre: General/Literary Fiction
Chapters: 3 chapters
Specific: Writing style and quality
Book
Cover -
The cover fits the title and the format is set out in a nice, pleasant way.
Blurb -
The blurb is perfect!
Grammar -
Chapter One:
This is rather a mild point, but I think by cutting out the filter words, your writing would be more precise and meaningful. Words like "just," "then," and "only" etc.
Your examples...
"Aanav then produced a thin cigarette..."
"He only let out a set of hisses..."
"Aanav then pushed the bowl lightly..."
"Aanav closed his eyes, just for a brief moment..."
These filter words act as a barrier that separates the reader and the meaning behind the action. That's how I describe them anyway. They don't really bring anything to the sentence but increase the word count.
Suggestions could be...
"Aanav produced a thin cigarette..."
"He let out a set of hisses..."
"Aanav pushed the bowl..."
"Aanav closed his eyes for a brief moment..."
Hopefully, you can start to see a difference.
Punctuation -
You have an issue with "it's" and "its."
(Chapter One)
Examples...
"...looking at it's luscious red cover,"
"...as if bleeding from it's edges."
It's = It is
Its = belongs to a person/object (possessive)
Suggestions here would be...
"...looking at its luscious red cover,"
"...as if bleeding from its edges."
(Chapter Two)
Examples...
"...the circumference prodding out of it's conical appearance."
"On it's tiles,"
"...a puff of gust with mud flew towards it's partner."
Suggestions here would be...
"...the circumference prodding out of its conical appearance."
"On its tiles,"
"...a puff of gust with mud flew towards its partner."
(Chapter Three)
Examples...
"Eventually every part of it's body tore through,"
Suggestion would be...
"Eventually every part of its body tore through,"
🌸
(Chapter Two):
I would be careful with the overuse of the semi-colon. Sometimes it's unnecessary.
Your example...
"He himself seemed unaware of what life was; or better- where?"
It would be better to use a comma, rather than a semi-colon. A semi-colon works when two independent sentences work on their own, but also relate to one another. So, let's break this down to see if a semi-colon would work. The basics would look like this...
"He himself seemed unaware of what life was."
"Or better- where?"
The last sentence isn't really an independent clause. It doesn't make sense on its own.
However, if you add in a comma, it would look like this...
"He seemed unaware of what life was, or better, where?"
Personally, this sounds better to me, but you're welcome to do what's best for you.
Another example is...
"He didn't like to speak a lot to the people, and so would quietly buy what he could afford, mostly bread, milk and cheap vegetables, just ample; from the tiny supermarket at the local fuel-station."
A lot of the words here can be simplified as it sounds waffly. Like... "He didn't like to speak to a lot of people," could be, "He didn't like speaking to a lot of people,"
"...and so would quietly buy what he could afford," could be, "so he bought what he could afford,"
By removing all the filter words, the sentences sound precise and to the point. Again, you do what's best for you.
For the semi-colon, again a comma would sound better. This sentence on its own doesn't really make sense without the previous context. "From the tiny supermarket at the local fuel-station."
A suggestion for the whole paragraph could be...
"He didn't like speaking to a lot of people, so he bought what he could afford: mostly bread, milk and cheap vegetables from the tiny supermarket at the local fuel station."
Character development/ plot -
Chapter One:
Your writing is engaging and detailed. Your descriptions are vivid and figurative, almost like poetry in a way. I love how you start the chapter with a strong opening about Aanav describing his love for the book he's reading.
Chapter Two:
Sometimes you use what I call flowery language because some sentences are hard to understand by how you word your sentences. Some readers have pointed out a few examples, and I would be cautious as it can make it hard for the readers to follow along. I think a lot happened in this chapter, but some parts were over described like the birds, for example. He had gone from talking about the mountain to the birds and I couldn't quite follow along.
Chapter Four (which is really chapter Three):
Aanav and Aarav are siblings, but their names are so similar, so each time I have to re-read and make sure who the speaker is. There is just one letter difference between the names, so if you have a quick reader, they won't even know the difference. Again, it's your personal choice and you chose the names for a reason, but having names so similar is hard work to digest.
Wow. I actually thought this chapter brought a lot to light about the home and the family dynamics. It's a different chapter from the previous ones that were more detailed about landscape and living things. And you ended on a cliffhanger which is a great hook for readers.
Overall Enjoyment -
I really loved the last chapter I read and the cliffhanger had me hooked, but I didn't enjoy the previous chapters as much. I think it's because some parts were hard to distinguish what was going on, but I also felt more of a connection with Aanav due to his family ties and how his mother treats him. Nevertheless, your descriptions are great and fairly detailed. Writing style is hard to comment on because everybody has a distinct writing style that will differ from writer to writer.
Things you could improve on are:
1- Punctuation - unnecessary semi-colons - This is a minor issue, but you use them a fair bit when a comma could be used.
- the difference between it's and its - It's a small issue, but can easily be fixed. Remember 'its' is a possessive form. 'It's' is a contraction of 'it is' or 'it has'.
Keep writing & I wish you the best with the rest of your writing journey!
Thank you for requesting the review & I hope it helps you in some way. Please check, "A Storm on the Mountain" if you have time.