Username: lustflames
Genre: Mystery
Chapters: Prologue + 2 chapters
Specific: N/A
Book
Cover-
I have actually seen your cover a while ago, and it captured my interest. It reminds me of the poster for the second season of "13 reasons why." It fits the genre well.
One thing I would point out is that the title is hard to read on the cover. I would use a brighter shade of red because the title fades into the background a little.
Blurb -
The blurb is quite interesting. With snippets from her extract from the book and a 3rd person take, there is lots of information to feed the reader. You use short and simple sentences that pack a punch.
Grammar-
Chapter One:
Your example...
"After five minutes, there was a step backward taken from me..."
This sentence is passive and sounds awkward to read. It would be better if you put the person doing the action first.
A suggestion could be...
"After five minutes, I took a step backwards..."
Punctuation-
Chapter One:
You use commas in places where a full stop works better.
Here are some of your examples...
"She nodded without saying a word, I was delighted that she didn't argue..."
"Daisy, let's clean this out, your room is a total mess."
Suggestions could be...
"She nodded without saying a word. I was delighted that she didn't argue..."
"Daisy, let's clean this out. Your room is a total mess."
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You use commas with action tags, rather than dialogue.
Your example...
"It is, that is weird we are in October," I shrugged..."
A suggestion could be...
"It is. It's weird as it's October." I shrugged..."
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And you should use commas with dialogue tags.
Your example...
"Anything suits you anyway, you are the prettiest girl I have seen." He said..."
A suggestion here could be...
"Anything suits you anyway. You are the prettiest girl I have seen," he said..."
You do similar mistakes in the other chapters. I would suggest to re-read and copy and paste your work into a word document or online checker to help with errors.
Another suggestion could be to read more on when it's best to use a comma, full stop and punctuation regarding dialogue/ action tags. You will pick up more knowledge the more you write. Practice makes perfect.
* I have a reading list specifically for Writing help/tips by other authors that may be of use *
Character Development/ plot -
Prologue:
Straight away, we're invested in Daisy's life as she lays in hospital with memory loss. I do agree with other comments about how somebody with possible amnesia probably won't be concerned with what their name is at first. The most rational thought would be where am I? How did I get here? Still, her reactions are more or less believable.
One thing that caught my attention was the fact she said this... "All I was concerned about was my mom, I needed a mother more than a father."
If she had memory loss, how would she know she needed a mother more than a father. This wasn't explained enough for it to make sense, considering she had just found out that her father is dead. Did something happen in her childhood that made her dislike males? Did she not have a father growing up, and therefore wasn't concerned with having a father in her life? If it's because of a motherly-daughterly bond, then maybe you could suggest she feels a connection to her mother somehow.
Chapter One:
I wonder if there is more going on under the surface that we don't know. I mean, just because her mother is a murderer, doesn't make Daisy a murderer, too. It's strange that in the first chapter, Daisy calls herself "a monster" without any explanation or evidence to support this. It would be nice to get some validation as to why she feels like this.
In this chapter, she doesn't want to remember her mother, which is a huge contrast from the prologue. Here, we see that she wants to forget her mother's face and wishes she had pictures of her father instead.
I feel for her as it can't be easy having these awful dreams and hallucinations. I wonder what is causing them. Is it her depressive state or something far more sinister?
Chapter Two:
Despite everything she has gone through, it's nice that she has a friend. I liked Liam's introduction from the previous chapter. I hope Liam can be the comfort she needs and pull her out from the sorrow invested pit that she has put herself in. I still can't understand why she hates herself so much, though. The boys seem to like her for no reason. Usually, when we make friends, they become friends with us for a reason. Daisy seems rude and passive-aggressive.
Overall Enjoyment -
Although I found a few small holes in the story, regarding Daisy, I did like the premises of your story. Everything started to come together from the cliffhanger in chapter two. I like how you weaved in the hallucinations and how they involve Daisy and her memory loss. Good job!
Some areas you might want to consider are:
1- Pacing & Character development -
I thought the pacing was too quick in the prologue where she has some sort of memory loss, but then at the end of the chapter, she reads an article and it all comes back suddenly. I did like the hallucinations aspect, where she regains some memories throughout the chapters and I'm guessing this has something to do with her involvement as to why her mother murdered her father.
But meeting Liam and him taking an interest in her was a little sudden when she was rude to him for saving her life. I felt like this could maybe be introduced a little later as I wanted to get to know Daisy's character a little more, especially when you bring in the 'more than friends' aspect.
Keep writing & I wish you all the best with your writing journey!
Thank you for requesting the review & I hope it helps you in some way. Please check, "Hamilton High Blood," if you have time.