(Sorry if there are mistakes. I'm writing from my phone).
Username: @SabrinaEttey
Genre: Mystery/Thriller
Chapters: 3 plus Prologue
Specific: Everything
Cover:
I actually think your cover is too dark. I understand that maybe you did that because of the genre, but the gun is too dark to distinguish. I can't see what is in the background because of the title. Maybe just a tad lighter and then it would be better.
Blurb:
Your blurb is great! It sounds interesting to read.
Grammar:
(Chapter One)
"She collided with people after people or their smoky shadows."
You would want to try and avoid using repetition of words in a single sentence. This can make it awkward sounding and hard to read.
A suggestion could be..."She collided with hoards of people and their smoky shadows."
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"Music got louder. Heart beat quicker. Blood drip dripping from the neon lights on ceiling. Drenching her in dark crimson."
Here you have lots of monotonous sentences, making your sentences abrupt and incomplete.
A suggestion would be to join the sentences together with a comma.
"The music became louder as her heartbeat quicken with each thump. The blood dripped from the neon lights on the ceiling, drenching her in dark crimson."
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"She forced her bright red lips stretch into a smirk..."
An easier way of saying this would be... "She smirked before letting her chocolate irises meet his grey metallic ones."
This is because a novel etc has to meet a certain word count. You make sentences longer than what they should with filler words or unnecessary words. You can still get the meaning across, but with less words and by adding more descriptions.
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Some of your paragraphs need rewording.
Your example...
"Sweat trickled down her head, small black hair strands on the nape of the neck on the back prickled, white shirt clinged to the skin, navy blue skin tight jeans felt heavier on her legs."
Several points I want to discuss here.
- Be careful using run on sentences. You separate sentences with commas and this makes each sentence unrelated to one another. It can also speed up the pace because you aren't taking the time with the descriptions.
- Try to remove the filler words. Words like "felt" can make your sentences seem heavy, and they are unnecessary. By removing them, it can give your words more of an impact and keeps it precise. This is great to remember for the editing phase.
- I do really like how you describe what's going on in your descriptions. You use a good set of verbs, which is great for the reader. You want to keep the reader somewhat engaged, and you do that.
A suggestion could be...
"Sweat trickled down her forehead, causing the black hairs to stick to her skin. A shiver shot down her spine as the hairs on the nape of her neck tingled. Her white shirt clung to her flesh and the navy blue skin-tight jeans fitted snug against her thighs."
(This is just a suggestion, which you don't have to take).
(Chapter Two)
I've noticed that sometimes you miss out the determiner in some of your sentences, making them awkward sounding.
These are... the, an and a. These are often the articles that you add before a noun or object.
Your example...
"Was it because of smell, or cold or was it the weird feeling on the pit of her stomach that something ominous was going to happen?"
A suggestion could be...
"Was it because of the smell, or the bitterly cold air that created butterflies in the pit of her stomach?"
I wouldn't necessarily use "something ominous was going to happen," because you would want to create a sense of suspense. It's just my opinion, but saying this would imply that something bad is about to happen.
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Be careful with filter words...felt, realised, like, okay, but, thought, seemed, saw.
Your example...
"Sara felt her hands getting clammy," (This is telling us she felt her hands become clammy).
A suggestion here could be...
"Sara wiped her clammy palms down her jeans," (This is showing that her palms are sweaty, hence she is nervous)
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Beware of changing tenses.
Your example...
"His body leaning against the grey wall..."
A suggestion could be...
"His body leant against the grey wall..."
Punctuation:
There are a few instances where you need a comma in some of your sentences. I can't go through all of them. There weren't any major errors, but I do advise Grammarly or Prowriting aid (the free versions) to help with grammar/punctuation.
Character development/ plot:
(Beginning Chapter)
This is more like a prologue, but I actually really enjoyed it.
(Chapter One)
I was a little confused with the whole bullet wound. I didn't even know she was shot until she is in the car, however long after the incident. The readers will be confused by this. I would make it obvious she got shot. This is the conflict that you really want to explore with by using descriptions of the pain, the sound of the gun and make the chances of survival slim for your character. Instead, she walks out like Rambo and shrugs the bullet off like he fired a pea.
I find it weird that she has a open wound and she's having a shower and washing her hair like nothing happened. Surely, a open wound would cause infection and she is bound to lose blood or bleed out. I would advise to listen to other comments and suggestions because this part isn't realistic and needs to be explained a little.
She would need medical attention to close the wound because she realistically needs stitches to close the wound. Also, there is no mention that she got the bullet out of the wound.
The part about her powers is intriguing. I'm excited to find out more about how intensifying the pain can make it go away.
(Chapter Two)
I'm guessing this chapter is before she escapes?
I'm a little confused with her powers? Did she magically heal herself with her powers? If so, a suggestion could be to make it clearer because she literally runs down the stairs the morning after she was shot, unless I'm completely confused with what's going on.
I like the interaction with the rude guy in the office. I'm almost shocked that she demanded him to pick up the files, considering she was the one that bumped into him first. It's an unusual request for anybody to ask outright. This shows she is confident and strong headed. She won't take any nonsense from anybody.
(Chapter Three)
I really like the details of the murders and how there is a creepy link between the two murder cases. A suggestion would be to change the location as both murders are at the same location, but a month a part, which seems a little unrealistic as the police would have had the area searched and cordoned off with a police presence.
I think it's a cool idea that Sara will be fish bait, but putting herself in danger like that, knowing the murderer is looking for girls and the next girl that will be killed will be the same age as Sara isn't well planned. They should have police officers or somebody watching the whole mission, in case something goes wrong. She shouldn't be alone, even if she is a S girl.
The problem with your main character so far is that Sara seems so perfect and pure. She has magical powers and thinks she is invincible. I haven't seen any vulnerability or weaknesses to your character as of yet. I've only read three chapters, so maybe it's too early to say.
Overall Enjoyment:
I enjoyed reading your chapters, although some parts were more interesting then others.
Things that I suggest you need to focus on...
-1- Grammar - I know English isn't your first langague, and that's amazing that you have written a novel which isn't in your native language. I do think Grammarly and ProWriting Aid will help you construct better sentences and help you with punctuation.
-2- Character Development- I didn't really connect with Sara and I think this is because there is no vulnerability or weakness. She seems like a Power Ranger on her own turf and this causes a problem because there isn't room for improvement. A character has to be balanced so that they can progress throughout the book. Towards the end, the character has to learn something about themselves that they didn't know from the beginning. They have to grow as a person in some way. (I've only read three chapters, so I'm basing this point on only the chapters I read).
Perhaps in the first few chapters, maybe her healing powers won't work because the bullet is silver and she has a silver allergy, raising the stakes. There has to be something to put the main character in a bad situation, causing conflict for the Protagonist (unless something happens later in the chapters).
-3- Reality - Your biggest issue is about unrealistic situations. As a writer, you have to do research on anything you aren't sure about, otherwise your readers will pick up on it and leave comments about how unrealistic things are. Of course, you can add your own touch, but the premise has to be realistic for the readers to believe it. For example, she got shot and she is able to sit in a car fine, walks home and starts talking about her interior design and then washes her hair in the shower. From my knowledge, the bullet is still in the wound because I don't think you explained her wound visually, only that she patched herself in the shower.
Another example I found was when there were three murders in the same location, on the same day but a month apart each time. You can have murders on the same day, but with each body found in the same location, and in the same park is unrealistic. Where are the police? After one murder, surely the area will be blocked off and searched.
All I can suggest is to take in other readers' comments and suggestions. A lot of other readers' have pointed out the same issues.
You've done a great job so far, and keep writing.
If you have any questions, please do ask.
If you've got time, please check out "The S Girl." Thank you for requesting for the review.