Chloe's Book Reviews {CLOSED/ HIATUS}

Bittersweet Ending

My suggestion would be...

"I can hear noises, but it's slightly muffled."

If you don't like my suggestion, you can look up synonyms for hearable or audible. There are a lot of words that can spice up your vocab.

(Chapter Two)

Your example...

"He walked out slowly and turned to face me when he arrived at the door,"

I would reword this because it sounds like he already walked out of the dorm and faced her, so the part about him arriving at the door afterwards doesn't make sense.

Also, I would consider changing the comma to a full stop before the dialogue because it's an action and doesn't relate to speech.

A suggestion could be...

"He walked to the door and slowly turned around to face me."

Punctuation-

(Chapter One)

This isn't a mistake, more like an observation that may confuse readers.

You put the punctuation on the outside of speech marks which isn't wrong, but a few readers and maybe judges might mark you wrongly. British Convention tends to put the punctuation on the outside of speech marks, where the American Convention puts it in the inside. Most people these days put the punctuation on the inside. I just want you to clarify if you use the British Convention or if it's a mistake.

If you do awards, and you use the British Standard regarding punctuation, it might be a good idea to make a note for people at the start. (just a suggestion)

Note- In chapter three and four, there are places where you put the punctuation inside the speech marks, but you switch between both. They might be typos, and you don't realise. I would suggest fixing it in the chapters to make it consistent, whether you choose to put them inside or outside. It has to be consistent throughout the book.

(Chapter Three)

In this sentence, you just miss a comma.

Your example...

"...throwing on a white hoodie and black jeans pairing it with black trainers."

I suggest the comma to go here...

"...throwing on a white hoodie and black jeans, pairing it with black trainers."

✿

Your example...

"I turned on the radio and the song 'Medicine' by Queen Naija."

This is an incomplete sentence.

A suggestion would be...

"I turned on the radio, and the song 'Medicine' by Queen Naija came on."

✿

Your example...

"I smile and said "Hey, Hannah, how are you?"

My suggestion would be...

"Hey, Hannah. How are you?" I said, smiling at her."

✿

Your example...

"She cuts me off and replies "How am I?"

My suggestion would be...

"She cuts me off, replying, "How am I?"

✿

Your example...

"I explained everything to her and not once did I cry instead, hatred coursed through my veins."

There is a missing comma.

Here would be a suggestion...

"I explained everything to her, and not once did I cry, instead, hatred coursed through my veins."

(Chapter Four)

A note- you don't have to highlight the times in bold. It's a little distracting to keep seeing "08:40 AM" and "08:49" in bold.

✿

Your example...

"... it took a good 15 minutes to get there,"

I would suggest using words instead of the numerals for times etc.

A suggestion could be...

"... it took a good fifteen minutes to get there,"

Character Development/ plot –

You lead us straight to the drama in chapter one. I'm shocked at how mildly calm she is. What kind of boyfriend invites his girlfriend to meet him at the cafe, just to stand her up and be caught making out with a different girl in her dorm room? The flashback is a nice touch.

The thing I like about your character is that her boyfriend betrays her, but she doesn't let it defeat her. Sure, she has a good cry, but she gets right back on that horse and hatches up a plan.

I love Arianna's friendship with Hannah, and she is a great friend to have. I hope she doesn't listen to Michael because she does deserve to be loved. Just because she had a bad relationship, doesn't mean he is correct about everything. He sounds toxic. If Arianna isn't careful, she will start to loath herself or believe Michael was right.

It was nice seeing Arianna go to school, and the drama unfolds as the Queen B trips her up, creating tension. I'm intrigued by how she will meet Alessandro.

Overall enjoyment-

I read four chapters because I really wanted to see how Alessandro would appear in the story. I was a little disappointed that he didn't show up in the chapters I read. A suggestion would be to make your chapters longer as it will be more substantial. Your chapters are quite short, making the pace a little fast. Slow down with each chapter and really add detail, descriptions and add words to flesh out the chapters a little. 

On the whole, your tenses were good. Some sentences needed rewording. Pay attention to punctuation with dialogue and dialogue tags. Remember to stay consistent if you choose to put your punctuation outside or inside speech marks, and not to switch between the two.

Keep writing and keep up the good work!

If you have any questions, just let me know.

Feel free not to take my suggestions, but if you do, I hope you find them useful.

Thank you for letting me review your book. Please check "Bittersweet Ending" if you've got time.