Chloe's Book Reviews {CLOSED/ HIATUS}

A.P.D (Animal Police Department) Druglords, Murderers, Donuts

Grammar-

This sentence can be simplified as it may be confusing when read.

Your example...

"He dyed his brown fuzz to black to keep people from noticing that he was who he was...and it worked."

My example...

"He dyed his brown fuzz to black so people wouldn't notice him, and it worked."

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So far, I've noticed that you are telling most of the story, especially at the start of the chapter.

You are listing the things of Phillip routine. One way to improve is by adding in the senses. What is the scenery like? What place does he live in? I'm actually intrigued because he is a bear, but I get the impression he lives in a normal house and not a cave. The readers won't know unless you describe these details for them.

Your examples...

"He went to his room to change out of his sleeping clothes and into his work clothes."

"He shaved his chin and his extra chin..."

"...and brushed his teeth until it was white."

You could make these sentences a little less mandatory by talking about his clothes. What do they feel like?

My suggestion would be...

"He picked up the sharp shaver as he shaved both chins until the fur was a perfect length. There was food stuck in his teeth from last night's dinner. Phillip was a clean individual that liked to look his best as he squirted toothpaste on his brush."

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You don't have to use my exact example, but you can switch up your sentences by trying to add more detail. Instead of saying he did this and then he changed into that and then he went to work.

You do switch tenses from past to present. I would suggest sticking to the past as you started the first half in the past tense.

Your examples of the past tense...

"He stood at the checkout and laid his face on the scanner."

"Phillip grunted and turned off the tv."

"He sat on his leather chair..."

Your examples of the present tense...

"His coworker is named Stephen Olds. He is slender..."

"Golden is a brown spotted pig."

"is" is considered present tense. A way to improve this is by swapping it with "was."

Suggestions could be...

"Stephen Olds, my co-worker was a golden retriever."

(You don't need to talk about him wearing the same uniform as most employee's wear the same anyway. It's irrelevant).

"Gordon was a brown spotted pig."

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