Problem Kid

Chapter 23

I hate the start.
Multiple religious speeches are made by a priest as he drones on and on, causing me to want to slap him and take over.
I don't.
I'm not against religion, it's just that it wasn't what mum would have wanted.
I wait until finally, family members begin to speak.
"First, we have the deceased's birth child. Everleigh," I stand shakily, looking down at Jimmy who gives me a confident but broken smile. Summer follows me up, resting at my feet with a loving glance up at me.
"Well... hi... you know me. That's my mother..." I point at the coffin, freezing and stammering a lot. I breathe, staying silent for a moment. I scan the crowd and see many sad, reassuring smiles. Sam gives me a small thumbs up. Jack smiles gently. Maya waves with tears in her bright, child like eyes.
Jimmy nods.
"My mother, was an amazing person. She still is... she's beautiful... kind... smart..." I look down at my paper with my carefully planned speech written out before throwing it in the trash can beside me.
"You know what, I don't need this. All I need to say is already in my heart. My mum. My mum is amazing. She's the one person who's been there for me all my life. She's the one who taught me everything. After Dad died, I felt like I had nothing. My mental health did get worse. I struggled with everything and I lost all hope however who was there to pick me up and help me get better again? My mum. Who fought all my battles when I was going through my POTS diagnosis? My mother. Who saved me from myself? My mother. Who helped me reach 18 when I didn't even think I'd make it to the next day as I lay, aged 14 in a psychiatric hospital? My mum. She's the one person who I could always rely on and I have. She saved me countless times. She helped not only me but so many other people. As a nurse, she's helped so many people and saved many lives. My mum did not deserve to die," tears cover my face. When did they get there?
"She got me Summer, my service dog, who has saved me. She's helped me live. My mum has helped me learn to love, live, and breathe again. And what has the world replayed her with? Absolute crap. She's never going to get to see her daughter marry. She's never going to see her grandkids grow up. She's never going to get to experience life fully. She's been snatched away and it's not fair," I speak slightly louder, anger in my voice.
"I love you, Mum. I love you. I'll see you again one day. I'm sorry for the times I let you down. Thank you for the good times. Thank you for everything. I love you," I return to my seat, my mind blanking out everything around me as I phase out.

"Everleigh," I jolt my head up.
"Sorry.... were going to the... burial... now," I nod.
"I'll push you," I stay silent, avoiding eye contact with Jimmy as he begins to move me towards Jack, Sam and Maya who stand at the end of the lines of seats. Maya points at my lap and I nod, allowing her to sit on my legs. I wrap my arms around her and we both cry silently on our way to the grave which is only some meters from where we had just spoken. I stay in my chair, maya seated on my lap. Her weight presses down on my sore legs however I don't mind. In silence, I stare at the hole where my mother's coffin is slowly lowered with tears falling from my eyes at a steady pace. People come over and pat me on the shoulder and talk to me which only leads to the struggle of suppressing a major panic attack. I stay where I am, shaking violently, until I'm called up to throw the first handful of soil atop my Ma's resting body. I stand, fighting my dizziness, and walk towards the wheelbarrow where I take out a handful of moist brown soil and stand above my mother. With a small whisper, I say goodbye and drop the soil before reaching into my handbag and taking out my small flower which I drop down there too. As a single tear rolls off of my chin, Summer let's out a single pained bark and we walk back to my chair which I collapse into.
"You did great," Jimmy whispers. I stay silent as we wait for everyone else to do their part. I don't pay attention. I'm too busy crying to even notice my dog who jumps onto my lap. When I do feel her, I just bury my face into her soft curls and let out another strained cry.
"Oh baby..." Jimmy whispers. I shake my head, pulling away from him as people disperse to go to the party.
"I need time," I say shortly before pushing summer off my lap slowly and pushing the wheels of my chair to move myself down the gravel pathway. Taking one last look at my mother's now soil filled grave, I murmur a goodbye before speeding up with Summer by my side as i race away.

Finally, I stop. I settle my chair beside a bench and lift my legs, arms wrapping around my knees as I stare over the vast mass of Gravestones before me. I sadly admire the lake behind it and think how much my mother would like the beautiful blossoms shedding over it, the emerald grass surrounding it and the few swans and ducks basking in the summer heat, gliding gently across the water. Tears drip down onto my legs. I sob louder, alone. Suddenly, I huge wave of nausea overcomes me and I throw myself towards the bin beside me, holding my hair back as I retch and gag. I groan as finally, after minutes of nausea and heaving, I throw up into the bin. I take a tissue from my bag and wipe my mouth clean with a bored frown. After a moment, I sink my dizzy form back into the wheelchair and sigh, closing my eyes. I need to think.
"Everleigh?" I open my eyes.
"Are you ok?" I blink.
"It'll be ok," I close them again.
"Please talk to me," I keep them closed.
"Let's get you back to the car," I don't open them. I just feel the movement below.
"You'll get through it," I'm unconvinced, Sam.
"I'm here for you," I open my eyes and look up, tearful.
"I'm sick," I whisper.
He tilts his head.
"I threw up. I'm dizzy," he smiles softly.
"Maybe it's just a little bit of sickness. We'll get you in bed," I shake my head.
"The party. Not yet. Mum wants me there," He nods.
"If that's what you want but if you get bad, you are coming home," I look down, nodding. He pats my shoulder. As we get to the cars, jimmy looks over. I close my eyes. Jack tries to talk to me in the car. I close my eyes. Maya talks to me. I hug her. I close my eyes. Summer looks at me. I close my eyes.

I'm breaking.

The party kicks off at the local pub run by my mum's friend. We got the booking for the night free as a gift from management. We put a £300 tab on the bar. I get a vodka diet coke.
"How are you coping, chick?" The manager, Lisa murmurs.
"I'm fine," I say blankly. She shakes her head.
"I'm sorry," she hugs me. I hug back slightly.
"Thanks," I drain my glass. I order another.
"An amazing woman, your Ma was. Saved lives. Taught me to save my first life. Amazing," a man from her work tries to converse with me. I nod.
"You coping ok, babe?" Jimmy murmurs, checking on me as I drain my third glass.
"I'm fine," I repeat for the 1000th time today.
"You're not," I shake my head.
"I don't want to talk right now. Please, just have fun. It's what she wanted," He sighs.
"I'm not leaving," I growl.
"Leave or I will," I retort and he bows his head, tail between legs as he leaves me with my fourth drink. I chug it. I go to the toilets. I puke. I order another.
"She was a true legend," another woman from the hospital smiles.
I nod.
Glass six.
Gag.
Drink it anyway.
Heave.
Push it down.
Order another.
Tequila Shots.
Take 3 straight.
Vodka bottle passed around.
Chug.
Jäger Bombs.
Neck it.
Whiskey.
Shot.
Heave.
Choke it down.
Vodka Diet Coke.
Drink.
Forget.
Remember.
"Babe, lets get you home," Jimmy pats my shoulder. I look at the clock. It's 2am and I'm sitting in my same place at the corner, 8 empty glasses and 6 empty shots in front of me. Summer is pacing the room. She keeps looking at me. She's scared. I can't do anything. I finish my drink before jimmy can take it.
"Ok,"
Sam, Jimmy and I get in a taxi.
Jack took Maya home at 12.
I sleep on Jimmy.
I wake up.
"We're here," I stand shakily, disregarding my wheelchair and drunkenly calling Summer in.
Unlock the door.
Run to the toilet.
Throw up.
Sleep for an hour.
Wake up.
Throw up.
Sleep for an hour.
Wake up.
Heave.
Sleep.
Pain.
Broken.
Wake up.
Cry.
Sleep.

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EDITED